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another bipolar mama venting, needing support

post #1 of 4
Thread Starter 
hello everyone! there seems to be a lot of bipolar moms on here. i am having a really hard time with life and just feel like i need some support... maybe just to feel like i'm not alone in this struggle.

i was diagnosed as bipolar as a teenager after having an incredibly difficult time and being hospitalized on a few occasions. i was on a long list of medications for almost two years before weaning myself off of them at 17 and learning to cope on my own. i did great for a few years, so well that i believed that my diagnosis was wrong. i had my beautiful wonderful daughter at 19 - and besides life being a general struggle as a single mom, i did pretty well. i didn't think i would ever have to deal with anything again like i had when i was 15.
of course, i was wrong. this last year my head has gotten worse and worse. it is so scary and awful. it's getting more and more like how i was as a teenager. except now I have real responsibilities like caring for my daughter. i am in an midwifery apprenticeship and i am having a harder and harder time doing my job and being able to give it my all to help moms and babies. how can i take care of others when i can't even take care of myself?

there are so many things going on in my life that i need to be present for. there are so many things i am doing or planning on doing. i want to be teaching my daughter. i had wanted to start trying for another child with my partner. i am so close so getting my CPM and having my own midwifery practice. i am so sad and angry and upset and FRUSTRATED that my brain is out to get me and i can't do all the things i want to be doing. i could tell you all about my symptoms but you guys probably already know how it is. I am so afraid I am not going to be able to have the things that i wanted in life. I am afraid I will never have my life's dream of being a midwife and I am terrified that I won't be able to have more children responsibly because I am so unstable and irresponsible when i'm not functioning. THIS SUCKS and I am so upset about it. i feel like a failure and a disappointment. i still haven't gotten the guts to tell the midwife i work for about it, which i really obviously need to do. i need a break from that work but i feel so guilty about leaving everyone who expected me to be there for them.

i am so tired of my brain and the things it does to me. i am so scared of taking meds again. I was just prescribed abilify and puked all night and all day after taking it for the first time. i missed a birth because i was so sick. i am letting people down. i am letting my daughter and partner down. they have to deal with me all the time and they don't deserve that. they deserve a caring wonderful mama and wife.

i am so upset. my life is being turned upside down and i feel like i can't do anything about it because it just HAPPENS to me. i am so alone.

yeah, so there is my vent, i could go on but i'll stop there and spare you all!

thanks y'all, for "listening".
blessings.
post #2 of 4
((hugs)) I have some understanding of what you are going through. Dh has some of these problems and I can tell you it has been a horrible sturggle. It got to a point of major changes needing to happen and we went with some holistic treatment (the meds never worked for him). He takes Flower essences every day now, and if he doesn't he goes back into his negative behavior. I would research them a little if you can, perhaps taking cherry plum for feeling out of control, red chestnut or mimulus or aspen for anxieties/fears. If you have some depression or anger there are some for that as well. If you want more info let me know, I would be happy to help you out if I can.

In peace & health,
Kimberly
post #3 of 4
Quote:
Originally Posted by redcanary View Post
i am so sad and angry and upset and FRUSTRATED that my brain is out to get me
I completely understand. I feel the same way. I feel like I've been cheated (and my child and DH have been dealt a very bad hand since they have me in their lives). It doesn't feel nice.
post #4 of 4

redcanary- sorry you are having such a hard time.  One good thing is that you are not alone.  I've been feeling the same way lately but I'm pregnant & really scared.

 

mommahhh- I know how you feel too.  Don't be so hard on yourself though.  Easier said than done, right?

 

I need to look into some natural/alternative treatments to get me through this.

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