i was diagnosed as bipolar as a teenager after having an incredibly difficult time and being hospitalized on a few occasions. i was on a long list of medications for almost two years before weaning myself off of them at 17 and learning to cope on my own. i did great for a few years, so well that i believed that my diagnosis was wrong. i had my beautiful wonderful daughter at 19 - and besides life being a general struggle as a single mom, i did pretty well. i didn't think i would ever have to deal with anything again like i had when i was 15.
of course, i was wrong. this last year my head has gotten worse and worse. it is so scary and awful. it's getting more and more like how i was as a teenager. except now I have real responsibilities like caring for my daughter. i am in an midwifery apprenticeship and i am having a harder and harder time doing my job and being able to give it my all to help moms and babies. how can i take care of others when i can't even take care of myself?
there are so many things going on in my life that i need to be present for. there are so many things i am doing or planning on doing. i want to be teaching my daughter. i had wanted to start trying for another child with my partner. i am so close so getting my CPM and having my own midwifery practice. i am so sad and angry and upset and FRUSTRATED that my brain is out to get me and i can't do all the things i want to be doing. i could tell you all about my symptoms but you guys probably already know how it is. I am so afraid I am not going to be able to have the things that i wanted in life. I am afraid I will never have my life's dream of being a midwife and I am terrified that I won't be able to have more children responsibly because I am so unstable and irresponsible when i'm not functioning. THIS SUCKS and I am so upset about it. i feel like a failure and a disappointment. i still haven't gotten the guts to tell the midwife i work for about it, which i really obviously need to do. i need a break from that work but i feel so guilty about leaving everyone who expected me to be there for them.
i am so tired of my brain and the things it does to me. i am so scared of taking meds again. I was just prescribed abilify and puked all night and all day after taking it for the first time. i missed a birth because i was so sick. i am letting people down. i am letting my daughter and partner down. they have to deal with me all the time and they don't deserve that. they deserve a caring wonderful mama and wife.
i am so upset. my life is being turned upside down and i feel like i can't do anything about it because it just HAPPENS to me. i am so alone.
yeah, so there is my vent, i could go on but i'll stop there and spare you all!
thanks y'all, for "listening".