Biological before Adoption? - Page 2

[HeatherAtHome]

There is a lot of info at fosterparents.com. I joined and have been reading for years but hardly ever post. I just sit back and take it all in.

[Smithie]

"That being said, my own bio son is living proof that you run similar risks giving birth."

Heh. At the training, while we were running down the list of "common behavioral issues" presenting in foster kids, my DH and I were sitting there think, "yup, we've dealt with THAT, we've dealt with THAT, everysingleday we deal with THAT..."

[AllyRae]

Originally Posted by heatherdeg

That being said, my own bio son is living proof that you run similar risks giving birth. He is the reason we felt comfortable fostering kids with serious problems--we had BTDT with him (and to this day, he's been our most serious "case" )

It's about managing that risk in the best interest of everyone involved with the information you have available to you.

ITA! My bio son has autism and has been in some type of therapy since he was 12 months old. My adopted daughter has RAD & selective mutism with some possible processing issues. My bio daughter has FPIES and Selective IgA deficiency. All of them have multiple food allergies. For reals, you never know what you're going to get. :

[RedOakMomma]

op~

we were in this situation and decided to do bio first. One thing to consider is finances (especially in international adoption). The bigger you make your bio family, often the larger your family income will need to be in order to be approved for international adoption. For the US government's approval it's not too hard--the poverty guidelines for a family aren't too difficult to meet. But for each country's guidelines you may be surprised.

For example, when we looked into adopting from China, we were shocked that we'd need an annual income of 60K (10,000 for each family member, including parents, children, and the adopted child-to-be) in order to qualify for adoption. We didn't qualify to adopt because we'd had one too many bio kids for our income (according to China).

Not all countries have those kinds of guidelines, but it's good to be aware of them, or at least to be aware that the more bio kids you have, the more closely certain countries will evaluate your finances, your education, your income, your debt, etc.

Personally, I don't worry too much about whether adopted or bio kids come first. We can always tell dd, in complete honesty, that she was the first child we ever talked about, the child we planned the longest, the child that was in our hearts since before we were even married. I don't know what that will mean to her, if anything, but I feel we can always let her know that she was as wanted as any of our children, and dreamed about from our early days of dating.

I worry more about her being the only adopted child in our family. Kudos to you for wanting to adopt twice, and for seeing the importance of your children having that bond of adoption and race. Our plans haven't worked out that way, though years ago we had hoped they would, and I worry about it a lot. It is certainly not ideal.

[spargel]

Hi! We started out choosing international adoption over pregnancy from the start. As the wait time increased, we started thinking about pregnancy as well. I'm now 26 weeks pregnant and we're still waiting for our international adoption to go through (it's been just about 4 years now with several more years likely to wait).

Honestly, I've never worried about my adopted child feeling like they were second best/ second choice. I think it's all in how you raise them. Both of my children will know that they were equally wanted, although they came to me in different ways and that it makes each of them very special in very different ways.

I think that no matter what, you could come up with pros and cons for both. If you have an adopted child first, then they may look at your pregnant belly and wish that they could have come to you that way instead of from their birthmom (a common comment on the adoption board I belong to).

Don't worry about what your ILs will say. You have plenty of time to train/teach them appropriate adoption language. We have many training in my family (both sets of parents are in their 70s and can be counted on to say the wrong thing! ie, bio vs real, birthmom vs real mom, asian vs oriental, never using the term "our own", etc. It's actually kind of fun.

[pregnant@40]

Different perspective here. Our first was a biological, colicky (in infancy), and sensitive child. My husband and I often remarked that if we had adopted our child, we may have thought that he had serious issues & reconsidered our choice (of course we said this in humor, we would really never give up our child). It was a shock to us just how difficult and demanding a kiddo can be. We learned through the process that parenting is a tough job, period. It was nothing like my expectations pre-baby, despite experiences of having worked as a nanny & watching friends w/ kids, etc... but it's also the most amazing thing we've ever done of course, and the love for your child knows no bounds! It's an intense, life-long love.

So brought this up b/c just in case you do adopt a difficult child & then wonder if the child has behavioral/psychological issues, you're also probably facing the shock and awe of being a parent for the first time. Some kids have more challenging temperaments than others. When I hear in the news of parents giving up previously adopted kids (a horrific thing for the child, and of course nothing a "mothering" reader would do), I think to myself that these parents probably didn't realize just how difficult raising a child, any child whether adopted or biological, can be. No one should enter this relationship without serious preparation, reading, thought. Of course adopted kids sometimes have experienced real trauma & need extra support, but just know that if it's difficult, it's pretty normal. And of course you will fall in love with your child regardless of origin, and your child will know that they are special to you. Your child is your child, and that's that.

I think what you are doing is highly admirable, by the way. You are obviously a thoughtful person & have a lot to offer. You will change someone's world.

[krisnic]

Thank you pregnant@40. I appreciate that. It's always good to hear that you're doing something right.

[pumpkingirl71]

Originally Posted by Smithie

... and thus, of course, they are forgoing babymaking during their prime fertile years and absolutely lined up around the block to adopt America's waiting population of older-than-toddler foster kids.

I just have to say that any feeling that adoption is about charity sets your family up for failure and resentment.

[CrazyCatLady]

I just wanted to chime in as a 2x birthmom. I only consider couples that already have kids. How they acquired them didn't matter to me. I actually had extra respect and appreciation for the parents who could have bio kids and still chose to adopt later.

So should you ever decide to pursue domestic adoption, there are birthmoms out there who will like that you already have kids in your home (adopted or bio).

Good luck deciding.

[krisnic]

Thank you Melaya. That's good to know.

[gumshoegirl007]

Our experience is a bit different. We adopted two children (a sibling pair) via a public adoption in 2007. They were older children - 9 and 11 - at the time. Our plan was initially to adopt an older child, between the ages of 5 and 8, and then later have a biological child of our own. We ended up adopting two, and are currently pregnant with our third child.

There will be a significant age gap in our children once the little one arrives. We know our children quite well and are anticipating some of the emotions/regression that we may face once the baby arrives. The addition of one new member of our family is involving big changes for us all. And, for the most part, the kids are excited.

Our kids have different fathers and the same birth mother. The result is that they're different races - our daughter is basically white, and our son is a multiracial white, chinese, aboriginal blend. The baby that is currently on its way is also multiracial - white and sri lanken. So, our house will be quite diverse in that way. And, to further complicate issues, as my Wife and I are a lesbian couple who conceived using a known donor, she's also going to have to adopt the baby once it arrives. Our kids thought it was quite cool that all of the children in the household had to be adopted in some way.

I think that in having a baby or adopting, it's always a gamble. You never really know what kind of child that you end up with. In adoption, however, you do have the option to be more selective and really reflect on what kind of needs you're equipped and able to deal with. I think bigger than the question of fitting in to your family, feelings of belonging and birth order, is how ALL members of the family will complement one another.

Our two children currently have complex LDs and one has significant behavioural issues. We knew that if child number 3 were to be adopted, that it would be more challenging than we'd like to take on another kid with an LD. Obviously with a baby, that's still a possibility, but that's a risk you take with any child.

[krisnic]

Well, the world kind of decided for us. A week ago a 14 year old joined our family. It's a child that I have mentored for 2 years and we have gotten to know very well. It's a POA situation, and I'm not going to get into specifics, but we are all happy, healthy and wonderful. Thanks for all the advice!

[marsupial-mom]

Wow, congrats!

[heatherdeg]

Originally Posted by krisnic

Well, the world kind of decided for us. A week ago a 14 year old joined our family. It's a child that I have mentored for 2 years and we have gotten to know very well. It's a POA situation, and I'm not going to get into specifics, but we are all happy, healthy and wonderful. Thanks for all the advice!

[WifeMomChiro]

Congratulations!

[krisnic]

Thanks guys!

[Whistler]

Congrats!!!

[Smithie]

Congrats!

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"I just have to say that any feeling that adoption is about charity sets your family up for failure and resentment."

I can't speak to charity, but in our household we're never found that tzedakah leads to failure and resentment. Probably because it's a fundamentally different viewpoint, to the point where the term is untranslatable. I would very much doubt that the OP has taken a teenager into her home as an act of charity, but that doesn't mean she's not a perfect tzzadik.