S/O: bringing Christmas down to a reasonable level

[Nitenites]

I know we've talked about this here before, but I need to rehash!

Background: to DH's family, Christmas is a BIG DEAL. It's a big gift-giving holiday, complete with all the expectations and bells and whistles. In his family, there is MIL, 2 BIL and their girlfriends, a nephew & a niece. That's 7 people, at $25 (minimum) each. $175, just for DH's family. We have 4 (going on 5) children of our own, and it's getting to be a bit much.

I would really, really like it if they would stop buying for us. I would really, really like to stop buying for them. (Well, except for niece & nephew. They're kids, and I don't mind buying for them at all.)

No one in the family has that much cash. They're all horrible with money. MIL just "walked away" from her house and has creditors after her, but continues to eat out with friends regularly. BIL just complained about his student loans ($30K) on facebook. (He went to community college!) They don't have the money to spend on gifts for everyone, yet they continue to do it. In 2008, when DH lost his job, we just bought for the children (ours & the nephew, niece wasn't here yet), letting everyone know we wouldn't be buying for anyone else that year. We got the whole, "oh, you poor things!" that year. The funny thing is, I feel like we're more financially stable than they are! (Maybe because we can say 'no'?)

And then there's the stress factor. I just want to concentrate on family time, making traditions - Church activities, baking cookies & fudge, driving to look at Christmas lights with hot chocolate in a thermos and jammies on, decorating the house, a big Christmas Day get together with yummy food - not the stress of, "Will she like my gift? Does he already have that movie? How much of this plastic cr@p can we leave here at MIL's?" Aaarrrgggghhh!

The catch? Christmas is a Big. Deal. to DH's family. Unless there are tons of gifts to open, I feel like MIL doesn't feel like she's done her motherly/grandmotherly duty. I don't want another stressful holiday! I want a warm, family-centered day to build memories with my children and DH, and for the kids to have a good day with their grandmother, uncles, and cousins.

If you've made it through this long post, thanks! Is there anyone else who's unplugged the Christmas machine (isn't that a book?) successfully?

[philomom]

I'm a big believer in used gifts or re-gifting. I do not do gift cards. Holidays are more than just an exchange of money between houses.

[Nitenites]

But still, that involves looking for a gift. I want to get rid of the whole gift expectation. It's not just the $$, it's the stress.

[philomom]

So travel this year to get away from the craziness. Or be brave enough to make the no-gifts announcement in an early holiday card.

[Nitenites]

Yeah, can't travel - they'd still expect gifts when we got back. Avoiding the inevitable!

And since they all live within a 10-mile radius, sending a card would just be silly.

I guess I'm just looking for the magic words that say, "This stresses us out. Doesn't it stress you out? Why don't we all just STOP?!"

[Marissamom]

I tend to try to stay $10-$20 for my family members (there are my mom, my dad, my stepdad, this year my dad's girlfriend, my three sisters, and one BIL on my side, on DF's side we give to his mom, his oldest sister and her husband and two daughters, his youngest sister, and may give to his brother and his daughter this year, though I'm thinking of just giving a gift to each family this year, even doing family gifts it's a minimum of 12 gifts, ouch! and that doesn't include the gifts for each-other and DD).

could your kids make something for the adults? Christmas tree ornaments or fridge magnets? that way you can keep the cost down, and have something for the kids to do to prepare for the holidays. in my experience, most people appreciate gifts made by children more than store-bought gifts.

[Marissamom]

you could also suggest a secret santa exchange for the adults, that way you only have to worry about getting one present.

[JudiAU]

Dear Family (email all),

We've been feeling overwhelmed with Christmas gift-giving the last few years and want to concentrate on the spirit of the season rather than on the gifts. We'll just be buying presents for the children this year (cousin one, cousin two) and they will be small gifts. Adults can expect a special secret something that the kids will be making for them. They are very excited about their surprise.

DH and I have everything we need. If you want to buy gifts for our family, please buy or make gifts for the children only.

Love- DH & Me

*** This email stops the craziness with the adults but gives them a little bit of flexibility with the kids. Should make the pill easier to swallow.

[PNCTink]

Though I am not really a big fan of secret Santa, this is what my family started doing about six years ago. My aunt said enough was enough since our family had expanded so much and everyone agreed on a $20 limit. So the adults do secret Santa and then my grandparents buy for all of their great-grandchildren and respective grandparents get for their grandkids. They draw names out of a hat on Thanksgiving when everyone gets together. I wish DH's family would do the same really. They live in England and we're expected to buy for MIL, FIL, BIL, SIL, DH's Nan, and Aunt. And it's not what we think they's like-it's a listed item. Drives me nuts. Then they just put money in our bank account there so they don't have to pay for shipping and we spend an equal amount of money on gifts for our kids from them.

[limette]

Originally Posted by Nitenites

Is there anyone else who's unplugged the Christmas machine (isn't that a book?) successfully?

I bought this book either last year or the year before and I love it. We were never really plugged into the machine but it was still helpful. I reread it last month and will probably reread it again before Christmas. It really helps you define what you want out of the season and how to go about making the holiday meaningful for you without all the extra fuss that you might want to unplug from.

I recommend it every time this subject comes up.

[Sativarain1]

That book has great ideas! I need to re borrow it from the library.

[ILoveMyBabyBird]

Ugh, i know, xmas is becoming a nightmare in the finance department, I guess that isn't just it, for me, I guess I get irritated with my sister, she always gets the angel tree or something for her kids and i know that they make out lists and stuff, well i told her well in advance i was getting dn a ride on toy and angel went and bought one for her so i had to return the toy and scramble around last minute to get something. Then there was dn2 last year who sold a nice toy i had just got him for his bday for .25 at a yardsale, it was a remote control car that was of good quality. Then there is the name drawing, I've already gotten out last year and won't get in this year again, which just leaves one person to buy for, but there is a 40$ minimum, yes minimum and many people spend like 75$+ dollars and I am just irritated that there is not maximum. When I spend 75$ on that gift that is about how much I plan to spend on my own ds, so it is just gotten way out of hand, not to mention, one aunt just lost her house and several aunts and uncles are unemployed. It's like I wish someone would get a hold of the name drawing in our family. Of course my sister and her kids i have to buy for also, but i told dh this year I am sticking to a strict budget, and buying more practical gifts for the kids, as i know my sister gets more stuff for her kids than my ds through the angel tree and I don't want to have to return any toys this year. I am thinking blankets and clothes and maybe 1 small toy for the youngest and a movie for the older ones to share. Dh and I just buy what we want whenever, but i do like ds to get dh one thing, but that is it.

[GuildJenn]

We didn't unplug the machine but we did tone it down.

We're the boring relatives that buy everyone books, some years. We try to pick books that will be meaningful and nice for the recipient. We also do start with the clearance racks. It cuts down on cost and it cuts out a lot of time spent anywhere other than the bookstore. It supports an industry we support, and we mostly buy at local independently owned or local chain stores. (Sometimes we do cave and go to Chapters.)

Although I'm sure it's not very exciting, kind of like the grandma that knit a sweater every year, it works for us.

Some leaner years we've given everyone baking instead, and some lusher years more. For us it's a nice middle ground.

So...I'd suggest if you don't think cancelling the gift giving will go over well you could pick ways to scale back and meet people halfway.

[taramoon13]

yeah we kind of just got over stressing about it. everyone knows that we are trying to survive very tightly on one income right now. we just try to pick out one useful, quality (non-expensive) gift per person and that's it. luckily my family doesn't care. i am shocked that some people's families actually have $$ limits, i mean geeez is it a competition or what!??! you mention that you want to bake things with your kids, why make some nice cookies, fudge, salsa, jam, etc. and give that?!?! what a special gift for someone in your family to receive. to me, if anyone actually had the nerve to comment (negatively) on what i gave them as i gift then maybe they need to read "how the grinch stole christmas" again because they've obviously gone way out of the realm of "holiday cheer"

[OkiMom]

I was planning on doing it this year but DH spoiled it by telling people I had already started making things for the holidays So now I need to figure out what to do. His family has 11 people and mine has 5. Then we have 2 children, a baby on the way, DH and myself. Way to many people to think about..

Since you live close by your relatives how bout doing a cookie box for each? Thats what I would be doing if I didn't live a plane trip away.. Framed pictures maybe? You can get frames from the dollar tree for 1.00 each.

Orrrr. you could just say that you aren't doing holiday presents for the adults anymore and pray your DH backs you up.

[Biscuits & Gravy]

For a while my family drew names. Every adult who wanted to participate would write a small "wishlist" with our name on it. We'd fold them up, then each draw one. We'd buy a gift for the person we drew, and could either go from their list or find something we thought they'd like. We had a $25 limit.

After years of doing this we all became so predictable that it wasn't fun anymore. We always knew my uncle would ask for a wallet, socks, or shirts/hats for his favorite football team. One aunt always asked for the same perfume. It got hard to come up with ideas, and we were in a rut.

So a couple of years ago we started doing a Yankee Swap/Rob your Neighbor/White Elephant, or whatever you want to call it. We each buy a gift that we think is fun or nice, wrap it up, put it in a pile. We draw numbers. The person who gets #1 picks the first gift from the pile. The next person can steal that gift, or unwrap one from the pile. It keeps going like that until the end, when the first person gets the option of keeping what they ended up with, or stealing/swapping with someone else. It is fun, unpredictable, and always a surprise. We lowered the limit to $20 to keep up with the economic times. Participation is optional. If you can't afford it, no big deal.

I don't exchange gifts with my brother and SIL. We buy things for the kids, and have a limit of $15 per child.

Our family has come to realize that we don't care about gifts, just spending time together. The little ones get gifts, but the adults just eat, drink and have fun. We play games and get rowdy. While I will admit that I love to buy gifts for people, I am relieved that we don't have the added expenses that a lot of people I know have.

[zebra15]

Ya know I've always wondered why we 'default' to the higher expectations? So if part of your family has grand expectations and another part wants nothing to do w/ the gift exhange why does it always default to grand ideas?? Don't those relative with huge plans realize they are hurting the feelings of others too??

So anyway, I really like the sample email above. If people choose to give gifts, so be it, you don't have to do anything you dont want to. Your financial sanity is worth more than a gift that will probably be forgotten by the new year.

[earthmama369]

DH and I both have huge extended families, and when we started out, we did something for *everyone.* I'm not kidding, our gift list was over 75 people and then we did cards for another hundred or so. Insane. Having kids has been a wonderful perspective-inducing experience and we've reined in a lot. We're down to under 30 friends and family to gift for this year, for the first time ever. And another 20-30 cards. That's much more do-able. I seriously shop sales and look for great gifts at "steal" prices. I acknowledge that it's a lot of work, but I enjoy the hunt, so as long as I'm not stressing myself out, this works for me. I found a gorgeous hardcover coffee table book of photographs for my dad, a photography buff, marked down from over $60 to $14. There are no flaws; it was overstock. Perfect. That's his main gift. He's going to love it. That's the kind of price range I try to end up working in -- $2-$20 at sale prices, but for items that are really worth $20-$100. DH and I also do some crafting, and that comes into play a lot when we do gifting, as well.

[confustication]

The only solution we found was to stop. My sil had HUGE Christmas expectations, and they were doing a lot better than we were financially. One Christmas she gave my daughter 37 gifts. Yes. 37. All at least $5, ranging to $50-ish.

She gifted the rest of us with things at least in the double digits in terms of items- she's one of those people who sees Christmas as good or bad based on how much is under the tree. There was simply NO WAY we could do that.

So, I decided to simply explain that we were striving to combine 'something you want, something you need, something to wear, something to read' with handmade Christmas for the adults and it actually worked out really well. She adapted to the not-over-the-top Christmas with our family, and even her own family has toned it down some.

I am working to focus the holidays on family traditions, and gifts have really taken a back seat to that. It is a lot less stressful, and the traditions have more meaning in the long term than whatever gift is unwrapped.

For our family, modeling the changes worked. Visitors commented about how relaxed and joyful everything seemed at our home, and they realized that the holidays didn't hinge on the shopping frenzy.