More or less work, really??

[candycat]

Edited by candycat - 12/25/10 at 4:54am

[Minxie]

I wasn't married to my DS' father so can't speak to that perspective but...the hard part for me is that you are ALWAYS ON DUTY. If he's at school, I'm at work or I'm on my way to get him. If he's with a sitter, I am on my way back to him. The ultimate responsibility always lies with me, especially since his dad is not involved, and it's more the emotional toll than the physical one.

[candycat]

Yup. I do get that. I just think I felt like that even while we were living under the same roof... It was all "mommy's job" etc (his words) - the kids weren't his responsibility. I don't get his perspective but whatever...

[doubledutch]

it is so much easier. stbx was taking them just a few hous once a week, and that was an improvement over living with him. now he's done an overnight and plans to do so again this weekend, which is completely awesome. during the week, yeah, it is always me and it's hard that i can never get to work early or stay a minute past five, but that's okay. it's worth it.

for example, tonight we got takeout, walked to a wooded park with a big creek running through it, had our picnic, came home, and we've been playing outside since then, even though it's dark out now. this would never fly with stbx. he would have been demanding attention, needing me to run his errands or bring him somewhere or listen to something he recorded or just listen to him talk, and the kids would be watching their tenth hour of tv. i'm so glad that's not my life anymore.

[Halfasianmomma]

Yep, I agree with you.

Things I no longer have to deal with:
- cleaning up the constant sticky beer spills, left sticky on the living room floor
- cleaning up the endless empties or broken glasses he always dropped
- cleaning up the DISASTER zone of a kitchen left over after he cooked "gourmet meals" for us (that we couldn't eat because it was always too spicy)
- having to iron his work clothing because I "owed" him for those gourmet meals (honestly, I'd rather have KD than eat those damn meals of his)
- endless hours wasted arguing about stupid stuff
- stress over unpaid bills, services about to be shut off, being evicted
- stress over him SCREAMING about toys on the floor
- having to drive out of town to the native reservation to buy him cheap smokes (or else he'd blow the budget on regular packs)
- having to drive him to get booze
- having to run out of the house with a baby in tow when he freaked out, yelled, and threw stuff
-having to clean a DISGUSTING bathroom because he didn't know how to aim

Yep, life is definitely easier...

[Oh the Irony]

Significantly more work here. My ex worked quite long hours, but he would cook, do dishes, laundry, pack kid's lunches and take kids to school. At that time, I worked very part time from home.

Now I do all those things, everything else and work a great deal more hours.

[*MamaJen*]

Completely! Like, utterly and completely. In every way -- timewise, financially, emotionally, everything, it's so much easier on me being a single mom than it was being with my son's dad.
I think that from worst to best, it goes: bad partner --> no partner --> great partner. Sure, I look at my friends that have really amazing, engaged husbands that pull their weight and are true partners, and I think that it would be nice to have a relationship like that.
But my ex was just a dead weight in almost every way possible. I wound up paying 100 percent of all the bills, groceries, everything. He cleaned a little, but he (and his dog) made a huge mess all over the place. His laundry was out of control, the grocery bills were really high, he would leave the AC on full blast all the time so the electric bill was pushing $300 in the summer. He watched DS some, but I did so much more. He wouldn't even fix things around the house, even though he's in the building trade. If he started to fix something, he literally always abandoned the project halfway through.
Oh, I'm starting to vent, aren't I?
Anyway, now DS and I are living together in the most darling apartment ever, within a mile of my school and his daycare. We eat well on about one-quarter of our old grocery bill, and it's pretty easy to cook for one adult and one toddler. Instead of doing endless loads of laundry full of guys work clothes, I do one load per week. I spend so much less time cleaning. Even before we moved into the apartment, my electric bill was about half of what it was each month, compared to the same month the year before when my ex was living with us.
I spend more time caring for DS without his dad there to pick up the slack, but I'm not constantly irritated like I was when my ex was supposed to be watching DS, but he would turn on the TV or fall asleep and DS would come looking for me.
I have so much more positive emotional energy. I'm so much happier. I'm surrounded by healthy, positive people instead of a depressed, freeloading alcoholic.
Sure, it can be rough and stressful being a single mom. I know a lot of single moms are in really tough financial situations, and it makes my life a lot easier because I have enough income to support myself and DS, not lavishly, but enough for everything we need and some of what we want. (And it's a huge weight off my mind knowing that if I was in a financial crisis, my awesome parents would help out.)
DS and I have a good life together, and he's thriving. I tried to make it work with his dad for 15 months after he was born. I'm so glad I didn't waste any more time than that.

[mommy_to_2angels]

I am much the same. My ex did nothing. Didn't care for the kids, didn't do laundry, didn't cook, didn't clean, didn't pay the bills, go grocery shopping or anything else. I covered everything while he went out fishing, drinking and playing pool.

Now I don't have to:
1. Do his work uniforms (which they would have done if he wasn't too lazy to bring them in)
2. Clean up his fishing gear so it didn't stink up the garage
3. Cook his dinner, cakes, cookies and whatever other misc. crap he wanted
4. Clean up gross milk glasses left overnight
5. Listen to accusations of cheating and bullshit
6. Have to tiptoe around his moods.

My life is much easier. And my new boyfriend, he made me banana bread, babysat my 2 kids for me yesterday when I had to work late, cooked them dinner, bathed and put them to bed. And he understands what I want without me even having to ask. I love it!

[mexicali mami]

It's funny that I read this because I'm still living with STBX and was washing a ton of dishes tonight and thinking to myself, pretty soon, I'll have a lot less dishes to wash.

Can't wait to see what else gets easier...

[haydn'smommy]

MUCH less work.
STBX is still living here right now, but he was out of town all last week and I got a taste of what it will be like next mo when he moves.
My house stayed clean and neat. I didn't wake up to a mess in the kitchen that I had cleaned the night before. My living room didn't have piles of his crap sitting everywhere. My bathroom was spotless. I could sleep later cause I wasn't worried about having to get done and clear out for him. It was more relaxed and calmer and the kids were so good for me (my oldest goes crazy when daddy is here).
It really made me excited for being on my own.

[GoBecGo]

When i was with XP there was a lot of work, and more than that, a huge strain because of the stress between us and because for me the expectation of help, unmet, of help is worse than there being no possibility of help.

After i left him it was easier in a lot of ways because i only had to worry about me and DD(1).

Now i'm with DH though, and it's MUCH easier than when i was single. I really think who you were with and what exactly their contribution was makes a huge difference.

[MissLotus]

Oh, yes. Life got so much easier when my ex moved out, even though I was the only parent 24 hours a day with a baby, no family nearby, etc. 24/day parenting alone was MUCH easier than 24/hour parenting alone but with another adult in the house who was difficult (and that word here encompasses bouts of abuse, drinking and those sorts of fun things), didn't help so much as interrupt (who wakes a sleeping baby?!) and make me worry because I constantly had to supervise that he wasn't giving our infant food he would choke on, etc. Ex caused nothing but worry, more work and huge amounts of stress. So when he moved out, I sighed the biggest sigh of relief - and years later, am still relieved. Anyone who thinks it's easier to live with another adult who stresses them out, than to be "alone" - well, I do believe they're mistaken.

[josybear]

i'm 1.5 years clear of him, and i continue to be thrilled by how much better my life is. quite literally the only think i miss is his skill at making pancakes. those were good. but then, he'd somehow use every dish in the house while making them, so pancake day was still a lot of work for me.

i'm living on 1/3 of the income that i enjoyed when i was with him, but i eat better, sleep better, do less housework, have an easier time with the kids, and don't have to keep two preschoolers silent all day so they don't wake up their light sleeper of a night shift working daddy.

i have a hard time imagining a guy good enough to give up all my freedom for, so i suspect i'll be single for a long, long time. i'm completely ok with that.

[doubledutch]

bec, i completely agree - knowing it's all on me is less stressful than expecting the other adult in the house to act like one, when he never does.

[butterfly1976]

It's been easier for me as well. The kids have gotten older so that helps too. I believe there are some men out there who pull their weight with the woman/kids. But I do think there's a lot more who do nothing. A lot of people come to relationships with nothing to offer/give. What's truly sad is that some of us ladies keep these men around for too long. I'm talking about myself here.

I was single for a very long time before I got with my boyfriend. We've been together about 15 months or so. It's work. Maybe it's just me, but there seems to be a lot more work when there's a man in my life. I just don't know. It seems to be a lot of taking and not giving from the man's part. Then again, maybe that's my problem for not picking better or putting my foot down more. I'm thinking outloud...LOL

[knitterma]

I can relate to the "married single mom" comment, because that is exactly how i felt when i was married. being a single mom IS hard, no question, but not necessarily harder than being in an unhappy marriage with a spouse that didn't pull his weight and was also very critical.

[Oh the Irony]

Originally Posted by knitterma

I can relate to the "married single mom" comment, because that is exactly how i felt when i was married. being a single mom IS hard, no question, but not necessarily harder than being in an unhappy marriage with a spouse that didn't pull his weight and was also very critical.

What annoys me though is how people throw it around like it is some horrible thing. "I feel like a single mom" is their way of saying their life sucks. It isn't meant as an empowering thing usually.

I'm the only one so far that has said my life is harder! It certainly is harder but it by no means sucks.

We've had threads about the whole "feel like a single mom" thing before. It does annoy me when it is thrown around by someone who has the benefit of a spouse that contributes financially--even if that is the only contribution. It is a significant one. It also means they haven't yet made, or been forced to make, a step away from the "safety" of being partnered. There is this huge leap and emotional process that you go through to become single if you were partnered with children.

As mentioned, it can actually be harder to be partnered with a bad spouse. So why use the single mom comparison at all?

[candycat]

Edited by candycat - 12/25/10 at 4:58am

[mommy_to_2angels]

I have to agree with Candycat. My ex didn't provide financially, emotionally, physically. He didn't even "babysit". Although how a "father" and I use that term loosely, can babysit his own children, I don't know. But I was a single mother, for all intents and purposes. I was just a single mother of 3 children instead of my own 2 children.

[*MamaJen*]

I don't take offense to the "I feel like a single mom" comment. I feel like that can degenerate into a contest over who has it the worst. It's a woman expressing the fact that she is struggling with a lack of support in her life -- I'm not going to take offense to that.
You could have a woman who is partnered with a guy who doesn't pull his weight in anyway and is basically a dead weight, and he's basically an extra mouth to feed, and probably abusive to boot. Or you could have a single mom whose ex is an all-around solid guy, pays $1,000 per month in child support, spends a ton of time with the kids, pitches in to take the kids to the doctor or to sports events.
Honestly, I felt more single when I was with my ex than I do now that we've broken up. Before, I was waiting on my partner to come through for me, and he never did, and I was just pissed off and disappointed all the time. Now, I'm surrounded by a wonderful and supportive group of friends and family who often help out more than he ever did. For example, I live within a mile of my sister and two of my oldest and best friends. When I got stuck in traffic and couldn't pick up DS from daycare by closing time, one of my friends was able to run out and pick him up -- she has a carseat, and the daycare was just a couple blocks from her house. When I showed up 20 minutes later, I was thanking her and thanking her, and she was like, whatever, it was two minutes away for me, it's no big deal. And I was like, well, it's a really big deal to me.