More or less work, really?? - Page 2

[*MamaJen*]

Originally Posted by GoBecGo

When i was with XP there was a lot of work, and more than that, a huge strain because of the stress between us and because for me the expectation of help, unmet, of help is worse than there being no possibility of help.

So true.

[mommy_to_2angels]

That's great, Jen! That's awesome that you have such a great support system. I am fortunate in that as well. My family, although disfunctional, is very supportive. Unfortunately all my friends are 1500 miles away, but I am making new, great friends here as well. I agree, it's not a contest who has the biggest deadbeat. Every situation is different.

[knitterma]

Originally Posted by Oh the Irony

What annoys me though is how people throw it around like it is some horrible thing. "I feel like a single mom" is their way of saying their life sucks. It isn't meant as an empowering thing usually.

Yeah, I meant it literally. Like, I literally felt like a single mom when i was married. not because my life sucked then, although it did, but because i didn't feel like i had a partner in any way(financially, emotionally, romantically). i already **felt** single.

[candycat]

Originally Posted by knitterma

Yeah, I meant it literally. Like, I literally felt like a single mom when i was married. not because my life sucked then, although it did, but because i didn't feel like i had a partner in any way(financially, emotionally, romantically). i already **felt** single.

Ditto.

[lilyka]

EVERYTHING is soooo much easier. NO more tip toeing, no more fear, no more trying to be good enough to make him stay, no more trying to be better than the other women. No more doing his laundry, living off an allowance. No one overdrawing my checking account or running me into debt. Not doing his laundry (that man has more laundry!!! This from a woman with three daughters. My laundry has been cut in half since he moved out) My bills, all of them are lower. Whats absolutely crazy though...he was NEVER here. Seriously. He got up, went to work, came home and went straight to bed (or surfed porn and chatted with his girlfriend in the basement but never talked to me or did anything in the house). I am not sure how he ended up being so much work....But a lot of the time suck and stress involved dealing with him. Chasing him around to find out if he was with *her* again (I was a little mental. I will admit it. you would have been too), trying to provide for all my children's needs in a way he approved of, inside of his budget, etc etc mess mess mess.

[grisandole]

I was a single parent for about 9 years...then got married...then divorced...have been for over three years. Ex was involved w/childcare and would also cook and help with cleaning. So in that aspect it is more difficult in that I do that alone (of course, the kids help out). However, PARENTING and DECISION MAKING was MUCH easier as a single parent (DS1's father is not in the picture).

As a single mom, I had complete control over my life and ds1's life. When I was married, I controlled a lot. Now, I have about 50% control over the next 10 years. I am mostly okay with it in terms of parenting decisions as ex and I are on the same page abut 75% of the time. However, it is really difficult to not have control over MY life...in that I cannot move without a court battle (and I don't mean a huge move, either), which effects what jobs I can take, which then effects finances.

I would happily take single parenting with no father in the picture over this any day!

[butterfly1976]

Originally Posted by grisandole

I would happily take single parenting with no father in the picture over this any day!

I have to agree! My kids' dad lives in the same town, but has nothing to do with them. His family would pop up maybe once or twice a year. I truly believe that messes with a kid's head when parents do that. They would make promises to them that they wouldn't deliver. I remember once my daughter sitting on the steps waiting for him to pick her up and he never showed. Still breaks my heart a decade later. Plus, about 95% of the time, he didn't pay child support even if he had a job. After awhile, I just put my foot down and told him to go away. Don't pop up on birthdays or Christmas, etc.

When I hear about these stories from these fathers who try to make the kids/moms' lives a living hell, it breaks my heart. A lot of these men chose to walk away, but they know they can still cause pain and the do it with causing drama. I hate it. But I am grateful for the most part the kids' dad and his family stay away. I know my kids will always have some kind of pain in regards to their dad. We gave him a million chances, but I am glad he never comes around. They're older now, and I've told them if they want to talk/see him, just let me know. They say no. They don't care anymore.

[Devaya]

It's much less work for me too. My ex was also very uninvolved, and is in fact more involved now that he takes DS regularly once a week - bc he then has to be totally responsible for him during that time. There's much less housework, laundry and I can cook simply - he was fussy about food - which saves a lot of work and time. My ex did do a fair amount of housework, but he did no childcare at all when we were both in the house - he acted like this was my job and he always slept late (he seldom started work before 10 am or midday as he worked shifts) leaving me to do the unrelenting grind of getting up morning after morning with DS. So...that's made it easier b/c now that I do early mornings every day, t here's no difference really and I haven't had to adjust.

Overall although it feels hard sometimes, 14 months on since becoming a single mother, I am starting to appreciate it more and more - the simplicity and freedom mainly. But I agree with others who've said that its easier in some ways with a dad who isnt around - bc I too am restricted in terms of moving where I want (tried recently but it got too complicated with his threats to take it to court etc, and I decided not to) and my ex likes to have a say in all the important decisions wrt DS, but takes absolutely no responsibility for informing himself of the relevant factors involved in those decisions - e.g. I've been the one to do all the school tours when deciding on a nursery school, but he tries to veto any decision I make just for the sake of it (it seems!). I know single mothers without fathers on the scene, and they have just built up a great support network of friends etc.