I'm getting the wrong parent to help after birth!

[MamaPhD]

Higuys,
Not exactly sure if this is the right place, but I have a situation I'm not sure what to do with.

-Background:
So, my parents came and stayed with us for about a month after my first baby, which was really great. My mom cooked me homemade comfort food daily and they were an amazing team for DD andI! I asked them to come again (obviously!) for my second baby due in March. Turns out my sister is preg with her first baby and we have the exact same due date! Both my sister and I have in-laws that are not available (would prefer our own parents than in-laws anyways), and I told my sister she can have my parents because it's her first and all, etc, which is fine by me.

-Situation:
A few days ago I found out that only my mom will stay with my sister & my dad wants to come to our place. He will be a lot of help with DD because DD adores him to death, seriously, and we will need help with DD when new one arrives. But the thing is other than "playing" with DD, my dad really can't do anything bless his heart. He doesn't cook/clean/change diapers (if DD is not potty learned by then)/etc. On top of that he really only eats food from our country every single fre#$%ng meal in his life - this tends to be quite elaborate. Our ethnic grocery store is like 30-40 min away & hard to find restaurants close by too. My family (DH, me,DD) eats all kinds of food (Ameican/Italian/Thai/Indian/Chinese/whatever) and especially post partum, I plan on counting on take outs and easy stuff (bagels! canned soup!) for most meals. I don't want to have to feel like I have to take care of him on top of myself and new baby. Food really becomes an issue. He eats maybe 2-3 meals that are not HIS food in the whole year and says stuff like "yeah, this food really is OK if I keep telling myself there is a whole country full of people eating this stuff for years..." He will insist anything is fine but will make small comments or have stomach trouble, poor guy. Sigh!

But my dad is a sensitive guy and he will be CRUSHED if we don't ask for him. Currently he is saying he can't stay with my sister alongside my mom (who takes care of him 200% everyday, including food!) because he has to housesit their home, which is really an excuse to keep him available for me.

So what to do! If he comes, I will probably have to hire someone to help plus stress over food 3-4 times a day, or try to find someone from my parents' country who can cook, which is gonna be nearly impossible. If he doesn't, he will be literally crying. Help!

[beanbean]

If food is the only issue, why not just call him and explain the dilemma? Maybe he'd be much more accomodating if you explained how difficult this is for you all. Could someone prepare a week or two of "his" meals before the baby is due and freeze it until his arrival?

I'd be willing to have someone come just to play with the oldest, if that person wasn't going to be a huge drain on us. Is your dad otherwise self-sufficient?

Maybe you could have him stay for less time?

[Honey693]

Originally Posted by beanbean

If food is the only issue, why not just call him and explain the dilemma? Maybe he'd be much more accomodating if you explained how difficult this is for you all. Could someone prepare a week or two of "his" meals before the baby is due and freeze it until his arrival?

I would do this. I'd also try and convince him that your sister would appreciate having both parents there for some of the time (if she really would, I know I liked having both of mine) so I'd try and split the time. If your mom was going to stay with your sister for 2 weeks I'd tell your dad to stay with you the first week and your sister the second or something along those lines.

[happysmileylady]

I have one that was born in November of 08 also, and I just had my youngest 2.5 weeks ago. Even if all your dad does is keep the 2 year old occupied, that's a GIANT help. Thankfully I have family in town to help when I need it...but that means that there's no one here unless I do REALLY need it, ya know. Man, if I had someone to occupy my nearly 2 year old while my 2 week old was cluster feeding for 2+ hours, I would be in heaven. Right now Mickey Mouse Clubhouse is my friend

As for food...you have a few months. Perhaps you can cook some meals up now and freeze them. That way, all that has to be done is pop it in the oven and heat it up. And you could make the food your dad likes, or even some for him and some for you guys. And perhaps then, he can help by throwing the stuff in the oven for you. It's not really cooking, but it's still helpful.

[pollyanna123]

FWIW, the main thing I felt like I NEEDED with #2 was help with #1. So except for the food issue, I would say that having your dad is better than having neither of your parents. I agree that you should discuss the dilemma with him and consider freezing as much as possible for him ahead of time.

[MamaPhD]

Actually food is pretty much the only downside. Maybe I'm just overthinking it. I think I'm also just bummed my sister gets my mom! We had the whole thing planned (so we thought) to stagger our babies, oh well. Yeah, my dad is really great and he and DD really get along awesome. He also knows the area a bit (like where safeway and target are) and can drive DD to preschool so it will be a lot of help. Thanks you guys for letting me think this through positively!

[kalamos23]

You know, it could be a non issue if you or your sister goes early and the other goes later, kwim? Is the food from your country easily freezable? Or is it stuff that is more made to go right then? Maybe if you could tell us what kinds of food your dad likes we can help brainstorm for which ones might work best frozen beforehand.

[greenmulberry]

I don't think you should worry about your dad having the right kind of food. Can you just call him up and say, "Hey dad, it will be great to have you around to help with DD, but I want to warn you I won't have time to cook the kind of food you like or have the kitchen torn up with elaborate meals, so we might want to think about how we are going to handle that now?"

[GoBecGo]

A bit of a different (though possibly useless!) perspective.

My mother died in January 2005, before i had any babies.

My DD2 was born in June. I called my dad when i was in labour and he arrived an hour before (and witnessed it all) my DD2 did. He hung out with us while we babymooned, he ran to the store for us, he entertained DD1 (who adores him), he made the food he CAN make (bacon sandwiches over and over, ) for us. He entertained guests (made tea/coffee, chatted and etc.). He did NOT do any laundry (MIL did it for us) or bathe/bedtime DD1 (DH did it while dad kept me company), or cook anything more elaborate (we ordered in/cooked my frozen meals/had bacon sandwiches ), or help with baby-specific tasks (beyond cuddling).

Honestly? I wouldn't have traded. it wasn't what my mum could have done, but it was wonderful all the same. And very special to share that time with him. It was a further opportunity for us to get closer (which only really began coming up after mum died) and i am really looking forward to "next time" so we can share with him again.

Obviously ymmv, but i just thought i'd chime in and say expectations can be off, he might really surprise you, and it might be the most wonderful thing you could have had happen after all.

Best of luck

[isign]

I say take help where you can get it! Mine are 14 months apart and I didn't have any help with either. I got DH for a almost a full week with #1, 1/2 a week with #2. I had no one, (long story, my mom isn't the helping type), except for people from church who brought food for a week. I would have loved for someone to help me out, even just so I could get a shower.

[homemademom]

Originally Posted by GoBecGo

A bit of a different (though possibly useless!) perspective.

My mother died in January 2005, before i had any babies.

My DD2 was born in June. I called my dad when i was in labour and he arrived an hour before (and witnessed it all) my DD2 did. He hung out with us while we babymooned, he ran to the store for us, he entertained DD1 (who adores him), he made the food he CAN make (bacon sandwiches over and over, ) for us. He entertained guests (made tea/coffee, chatted and etc.). He did NOT do any laundry (MIL did it for us) or bathe/bedtime DD1 (DH did it while dad kept me company), or cook anything more elaborate (we ordered in/cooked my frozen meals/had bacon sandwiches ), or help with baby-specific tasks (beyond cuddling).

Honestly? I wouldn't have traded. it wasn't what my mum could have done, but it was wonderful all the same. And very special to share that time with him. It was a further opportunity for us to get closer (which only really began coming up after mum died) and i am really looking forward to "next time" so we can share with him again.

Obviously ymmv, but i just thought i'd chime in and say expectations can be off, he might really surprise you, and it might be the most wonderful thing you could have had happen after all.

Best of luck

This brought tears to my eyes. How sweet.

OP, I hope everything goes great with your dad. I agree that childcare is the #1 issue when having another child. I would have eaten a cold cereal or sandwich for every meal if I didn't have to worry about my other kids. I hope it's a wonderful time for you!

[happysmileylady]

Originally Posted by MamaPhD

Actually food is pretty much the only downside. Maybe I'm just overthinking it. I think I'm also just bummed my sister gets my mom! We had the whole thing planned (so we thought) to stagger our babies, oh well. Yeah, my dad is really great and he and DD really get along awesome. He also knows the area a bit (like where safeway and target are) and can drive DD to preschool so it will be a lot of help. Thanks you guys for letting me think this through positively!

I totally understand that. My due date with the new one was 9/22. My mom planned her vacation (not on purpose) for the first week of September. She was a major part of our labor plan in regards to what to do with my 2 older ones. Her vacation was from 9/6 to 9/13. When I had my appointment on 9/10, ultrasound showed a serious decrease in fluid levels, little one's growth rate had slowed quite a bit and she was measuring a month behind, so we had to do an induction. I called my mom BAWLING. She ended up cutting her vacation short a few days, so that she could drive back (12+ hour drive) to be here for me. I honestly don't know if I could have made it through the induction if she couldn't have made it back. So I totally understand wanting mom there.

[MrsBone]

Originally Posted by MamaPhD

Actually food is pretty much the only downside. Maybe I'm just overthinking it. I think I'm also just bummed my sister gets my mom! We had the whole thing planned (so we thought) to stagger our babies, oh well. Yeah, my dad is really great and he and DD really get along awesome. He also knows the area a bit (like where safeway and target are) and can drive DD to preschool so it will be a lot of help. Thanks you guys for letting me think this through positively!

I agree with the other posters too, take help where you can get it. I know it must be hard to not have your mom there. My mom basically lived with us for a week after DS was born and my MIL basically took over the following week. My hubby was also off for 2 weeks (DS was born the day after Christmas) so I had plenty of help. I never did laundry, made only maybe one meal a day for a good 2 weeks straight. It's always a huge blessing to have lots of help, but having some help is better than none. I would be frank with him though and see if there's any way he can help out with meals, since that is your biggest stressor. Mama doesn't need to be stressing over making sure her Dad is taken care of after birth. Sorry, you just shouldn't! Honestly though, while it is important to eat healthy after birth, especially if you're breastfeeding, getting food in your belly, whatever kind it may be is good, no matter what it is!

[Jodie8]

WOW! I think you are really blessed to have such wonderful parents and I would accept the love and not stress about it. Some of us aren't that lucky, but you are so go with it

[MamaPhD]

Thanks guys. My dad is a gracious guy so I know he will say it's all good and quietly suffer inside! I'm totally sure. I am actually kinda curious how he will be without my mom cuz they are such a team and do everything together all.the.time. But yeah, it totally would be great to have him here. What was I thinking??? Hormones? Perhaps! My parents are coming to visit in 2 weeks so I'll talk to them then about the details & start training him, ha!

[emma2010]

You're so lucky to have such loving parents. I am expecting #2 and wish I could have some kind of help with my #1. For now, MIL is coming for one week to entertain my #1. My dad doesn't even want to come for a visit during normal time let alone coming to help with my #1 during tough times; my mom would come but implied she wanted to be paid.

As for your food concern, I agree with other mamas about freezing the dishes from your country. I think your dad would appreciate you for trying to take care of his needs as he would be at your house helping you with your DD.