Share Ideas Please! How do you give your children a sense of stability and consistency while...

[pranava]

I worked full time, but in a very flexible job from the time DS was 5 weeks till 8 months. He slept a lot of his day away at those ages. I then lost that job and was home with him until 16 months (that was a blessing in disguise). I've been working full time again for 2 months now and with commuting time and work time, DS is in daycare 11 hours a day Monday through Friday. I feel terrible and guilty about this. I'm doing my best to stay connected with him, give him as much time as possible, and keep his life stable and consistent.

I'd like to hear what everyone else does to stay connected with their kiddos. Advice? Tips? This is what I try to do -

-I get fully ready for work before DS wakes up and then get him up 1 hour before we leave the house so we can sit and have breakfast and talk/cuddle time to start each day.

-I try(although only successfully 50% of the time) to throw things in the crockpot in the morning so I can spend less time cooking when I get home and more quality time with DS.

-If I do cook at night, I do it one handed with DS on my hip telling him all about what I'm doing and letting him stir stuff.

-I try to leave cleaning till after he goes to sleep or on weekends.

-We have the same bedtime routine every night and I don't rush it. He has a bath, a two story minimum, and then we lay and look at the moon and stars projected on his ceiling for a bit before I leave the room.

-Weekends I try to do at least one fun outing with him besides the mundaine grocery shopping and such.

I try for as much quality and quantity as I can get in 3 waking hours we have together Monday through Friday. I miss him and he misses me. I've been toying with the idea of putting him in daycare where I work, but that means an hour and 20 minute commute every morning and then again in the afternoon. I don't know if that's worth it or fair to him, but we could spend that time talking and singing.

Any other ideas/tricks to increase quality and quantity of time together?

[meemee]

Originally Posted by pranava

I miss him and he misses me. I've been toying with the idea of putting him in daycare where I work, but that means an hour and 20 minute commute every morning and then again in the afternoon. I don't know if that's worth it or fair to him, but we could spend that time talking and singing.

oh MAMA!!!! you are LOSING almost THREE hours with your son. if he travels well i would definitely move him to a dc near me.

for two reasons

1. to not miss out on that time
2. in case of emergency if he was sick and the dc called me i'd be able to be there right away. even at 8 when dd is sick she NEEDS her mama. (actually i do too, but my mama is far away)

i didnt really do anything different than you did. i think you are on the right track.

however there was a limit my dd could handle. when i had that hour and a half commute each way my dd couldnt handle it and i ultimately gave up my job. public transport so i couldnt take her with me. i hated my job too so i was looking for change and dd was in an EXCELLENT dc so i didnt want to move her.

however one thing to note even at that young age a sense of closeness and connection comes from your actions not just the time spent together. by the way you listen and honour your child's feelings. listen to their views and follow their decision. children long to be heard and the closeness and connection comes from you being able to do that.

[madskye]

I had a long commute when DD was a baby, and bringing her into Manhattan with me wasn't a do-able option for me.

I did pretty much everything you listed.

I also felt pretty good that DD had a dependable schedule. I thought that fostered a lot of security. She knew what time we we went to daycare and what time I would pick her up every day. She had a routine she could relax into. It all worked really well, honestly.

[Super~Single~Mama]

I do everything you do. I would think about the commute with your ds, and check out the daycare at your work thoroughly before moving him - it might be a good fit! My school has a daycare and it makes my life so much easier - he's just right down the hall everyday! I even go nurse him at lunch sometimes!

Otherwise, it sounds like you're doing GREAT. Of course he misses you - you're his mommy - and of course you miss him, you're his mommy! Thats normal, and if you can do the commute without him having a bad drive everyday (or a late afternoon nap - thats the worst) then go for it. The only problem with that is if it doesn't work, you lose your space at the other center.

[hakeber]

I think you are going above and beyond anything most moms are capable of. I would very much like to say I do anything near as committed as you to keep my relationship stable with my DD at the moment, but the truth is there are days when I just can't.

She is with her dad at least when she is not with me, and occassionally she is with an in home care-giver.

I agree with the PP who said it is not the quatity but the quality of time you give to your kids. I think you are on track with both.

I don't have anything quite as regimented as you, but then I can leave her sleeping at home if she is sleeping in the am.

I always leave the t-shirt I wore to bed wrapped up under her face before I go and she uses it to cuddle through the day.

I also come in and hug her straight away and she goes in the sling for all dinner and bed preparations.

She co-sleeps with me, or in her cot right next to our bed, so she can cuddle with me at night when she needs to.

During the weekend we have lots of together time.

DS and I had a similar thing going on and though there have been days here or there where Daddy is the favorite, I am still his mommy. I will always be his mommy and ultimately his numero uno.

I would say don't kill yourself being super mom. You are doing an incredible job, but you also sort of sound like you might be headed for a major burn out...well I would if I tried keeping up with my job and the schedule you described above. Are you a single mom, as well? ( I only ask because I would be so stressed if I had to take on all that, and wow, thank god DH takes on half the responsibilities of basic home care...man alive! That schedule would kill me. You really are a super mom )


BTW, my son now attends the same school at which I teach and it is really nice to have the ride to and from school together playing I spy and being silly, though sometimes I miss that 40 minutes to prep, mark or just silently meditate on my day. He's really chatty right after school and says the funniest things ever! I would say it might be nice (since you have to get your DS up anyway for DC) to have that time in AM to be together.

[MovnMama]

You are doing a wonderful job, mama! I've been working or attending grad school since my DS was 3 months, and I don't think I ever got more time than you are getting in. And kudos for getting that all to happen!

I do want to agree with PP on a couple of topics - potential for burn out and the long commute. These are my two concerns for you. And they are contributing to each other - you are working extra hard to compensate for all the time spent away, but the commute is your biggest time suck. I never had to commute like that, so again, I commend you.

I would look for ways to shorten/eliminate the commute, but I know this isn't always possible. If the dc near you is high quality, I would definitely bring DS on your commute with you. This is what I would do and your best option short of getting a job closer to work or moving closer to your job.

In the car, you can do sing-alongs and rhyming games, and talking to him, even just about what you are planning to do during your day at work, or what you two will be doing on the way home... then you are still spending time together. As he gets older he'll participate in the conversation more and learn great verbal skills. Especially if he is FF in his seat, he can see you and you could mount a special mirror to see him too (barring the possibility of it distracting you when you drive.)

Good luck mama. Remember to care for yourself as well as you care for your DS.

[seriosa]

I had my son in daycare 9 hours a day from the age of 6 mos to 5 years. We are super super close and have always been so. I think you are doing it just right, your child knows you are there for him. When he is with caretakers he
is fine, and when he is with you he knows he is the center of your attention, you are really with him.

From my own personal experience, I do feel at peace with the decision made to continue working full time, and with how my son has lived through it. He has a wonderful outgoing, affectionate, sociable personality. He is a happy child, and he was through all his daycare years. It can work out just fine, despite all the (inevitable, I know) guilty feelings that assail you. You are doing great!

[GuildJenn]

I think you are doing great given a really tough situation, and I think the point about being WITH him when you're with him is an important one. He will see your eyes light up when you see him - that's a gift too.

As he gets older you can talk to him about things. For a long time I didn't say to my son that I miss him and that the worst thing about working is being away from him because I didn't want to upset him. But a comment he made led me to start. I talk about what I like about work too, but I also make it clear I hate being away from him.

We also have some love rituals - I give him kisses for his pockets (kisses in his hands) and that kind of thing.

I also think having a good care provider is critical to security and love. I do feel at peace with working and I think as your son gets older you'll see just how strong a bond you still have. I agree that if you can shave the commute it will help, but sometimes we just can't.

[LifewithSage]

I agree that it sounds like you are doing an amazing job. However, I agree with a few others that burn-out is likely with all that you are taking on. I try very, very hard to engage my children when I am with them. There are times however, that I have to recognize my own need for some "down" time. It's hard, but I think as working moms sometimes we're too hard on ourselves for the time missed with our children. I know my children would love to have me around more often, but I know what I am doing is best for our family and my children are growing into wonderful little people even while I'm away during the work day.

I also think if your son is a good traveler that I would look into the daycare near you. It might be nice to have him on your commute for extra time and it might be nice if you'd have the option of running over and having lunch with him sometimes.

I will say, even though my husband is mostly home with our children while I work, I'm still the one they run to when they're sad or need hugs/kisses or just want to cuddle. I'm their mom and being away from them while working doesn't change that and never will.

[sewchris2642]

To put it bluntly, you are stressing out over nothing. Your son knows that you love him. And that you are his mother. He will grow up loved and secure in that love. And grow up thinking that his life is normal and how it should be. At different stages of his life, he will prefer you over his dad, his dad over you, and tell both of you that he hates you. Right now, it's harder on you than it is on him. If you treat it as normal, so will he. And it is normal because that is your life right now. But it wouldn't hurt to look into dc closer to work.

On a related note, you only mention you and your son. Is his father in the picture? Are you together with his dad? If it is 3 of you, then use that. Your son can spend time with his dad while you do dinner. Or dad can do dinner while you spend time with junior. Trade dinner chores with bedtime chores. One does dinner; the other one does bedtime. Switch the next night. Remember kids need their dads just as much as they need mom. Can you stagger your work schedules so that your son isn't in dc that long? Whoever leaves last does the dc run and whoever gets off first does the pick up. Disregard the above if it is only the 2 of you on a daily basis.

[Caneel]

First of all OP, I think you are doing GREAT. Try not to sweat it so much. Seriously, you seem more committed to a connection then some of the sahms I know.

Is your DS old enough to help with dinner and household chores yet? My DS and I have great fun loading the washer and "cooking" together. He likes being a little helper and the interaction is great.

I would also vote on switching daycare. He will get used to the ride.

[pranava]

Thanks so much for all the replies and words of wisdom

I never even considered the potential for burn out! That is definitely NOT what I want, so I think I've come to the decision that the commute must go. Just how long it will take to find a decent job in my hometown, who knows!? But it will be my future goal.

It's just hard right now because it's just me and 18 month old DS. He's not quite old enough yet to understand why he's being left, so that makes it harder, but I know he knows I love him and that I will be there for him.

[CI Mama]

I want to 2nd what many have already said...
You're doing a great job! You're doing a lot for your son. It's important that you also take care of you. I wish you really good, swift luck in finding a job closer to home.

I think security for kids can come from a lot of places, not just from parents. If your son has good relationships with caregivers, that's a good thing for him and for you.

For now, if he's in daycare near your work, could you bring him to see your workplace from time to time? Then when you say "mommy's at work" he'll be able to picture the place where you are. If that doesn't work, you could take some pictures of you at work and put them in a little album for him.

Other PPs have had great ideas, too.

Keep us posted on your situation!