Cash gifts that come with stipulations

[ElaynesMom]

My dd just turned 3, and for her birthday my FIL (her grandfather) gave her 100 dollars cash. It is a very generous amount, but the problem is that he has stipulated that is only to be used for lessons (specifically dance, though he said music would be ok too). Enrollment in dance class (and almost all other lesson type activities) costs much more than 100 dollars where I live. My husband and I don't really want to spend what little extra money we have to make up the difference in the cost of lessons, plus dance clothes or an instument. It would be different if she were a bit older and really expressed a desire to do these things, but I'm not sure how much she'll get out of these activities this year.

So, I guess my questions is, how do you handle cash gifts that come with stipulations. My FIL only wants us to use the cash towards something that is going to cost us extra money. Do we thank him, but not accept the money? I don't want to seem ungrateful, but it doesn't seem fair to my dh and I to be forced into spending money on something we don't want.

[gbailey]

Originally Posted by ElaynesMom

My dd just turned 3, and for her birthday my FIL (her grandfather) gave her 100 dollars cash. It is a very generous amount, but the problem is that he has stipulated that is only to be used for lessons (specifically dance, though he said music would be ok too). Enrollment in dance class (and almost all other lesson type activities) costs much more than 100 dollars where I live. My husband and I don't really want to spend what little extra money we have to make up the difference in the cost of lessons, plus dance clothes or an instument. It would be different if she were a bit older and really expressed a desire to do these things, but I'm not sure how much she'll get out of these activities this year.

So, I guess my questions is, how do you handle cash gifts that come with stipulations. My FIL only wants us to use the cash towards something that is going to cost us extra money. Do we thank him, but not accept the money? I don't want to seem ungrateful, but it doesn't seem fair to my dh and I to be forced into spending money on something we don't want.

It was very generous of your FIL to give your DD such a generous gift and yes, the stipulation is annoying even though it sounds like he meant well.
Can you or your DH explain that the difference in the lessons isn't in your budget right now. Would you be willing to set the money aside for a class next year when she may show some interest?

[texmati]

It sounds like FIL wants you to do the leg work of getting the gift. I'd take the guidelines very loosely, perhaps putting the 100 dollars towards tickets to a play, or cd's, or just in a savings account to be combined with next years dollars, or to use in the future for school plays and such.

I doubt FIL's up to date on the price of lessons for 3 yo's!

[Girlprof]

I would probably let your DH handle this one since it is his father. Your FIL may have no idea what dance lessons actually cost, but I think in most places, it is more than $100. I would look to suggest some possible compromises:

1. As has been suggested, save up for dance lessons next year.

2. Not lessons, but $100 would buy you a really great collection of play instruments for a 3 year old.

3. Many dance studios do birthday parties and $100 would cover some of the cost of that. What about a dance party - wouldn't have to be a birthday party.

4. In our area, a full year of dance is much closer to $1000, but a session of some sort of Mommy and Me (for 5-8 weeks) is right around $100. Is there something like that you could do?

[Hoopin' Mama]

I would set aside the money for the future, if you think at some point you may want to encourage her to try music or dance. Then you can add to it.

Or I would get really creative with the "music and dance" category. For instance, buy her a whole bunch of kids instruments and some cd's and you can play at home. Or take her out to the next kids musical or concert or something that comes along.

[milosmomma]

Originally Posted by Girlprof

4. In our area, a full year of dance is much closer to $1000, but a session of some sort of Mommy and Me (for 5-8 weeks) is right around $100. Is there something like that you could do?

This is what I was thinking. Some sort or rec program or something that's closer to that cost.

[Norasmomma]

Personally I don't accept "gifts" with stipulations. My grandmother would give a gift of dance lessons to DD, but then would have a list of things we must do to get the gift.

IMO a gift is just that, a gift.

It's very generous, but if it's not in your budget the gift won't really be useful.

[dakotablue]

Honestly, I would just tell him that it was a wonderful gift and you will be putting in a fund until you have enough money in that fund to afford lessons. Then it will be up to him to ask how much they cost, or just wait until next year when he gives another 100 to the fund before taking her to do something cool.

Oh and do actually put it in the bank.

It is a nice idea and thought, I'm sure he doesn't know how much they cost.

[Drummer's Wife]

Did you check out Rec centers? Their programs are more affordable, and you should be able to enroll her for at least one session for that amount. Especially at age 3, and they tend to be mommy and me type classes.

Otherwise, I would save the money until you have enough, OR, tell FIL that if he asks and spend the money on your DD for something else entirely. You can always do dance/music 6 mos - a year from now with your own funds and tell him then part of it came from his gift.

[ElaynesMom]

Thanks for the responses. He was very specific that it be used for lessons, so I think for now we will put it away to use in the future and use it for music lessons or soccer or whatever my dd has an interest in.

As for doing a program at a rec centre or doing a shorter mommy and me class, well, we don't have those where I live. The rec centres here are used for the hocky and swim teams, swimming lessons, and public swimming and skating. They don't have any dance/gymnastics, etc. The dance studios in our town do have mommy and me classes but they are for children up to 2 years old, so my dd is too old already.

[childsplay]

Originally Posted by Drummer's Wife

Did you check out Rec centers? Their programs are more affordable, and you should be able to enroll her for at least one session for that amount.

Rec centers are great....around here they have dance lessons for 3-5's for $27/two weeks (10 - hour long morning lessons) !

[St. Margaret]

Our city rec program has a session (maybe 5 or so weeks?) for $80-90. I would love it if people would pay towards that for DD this Christmas!!! She so doesn't need any more stuff.

But giving money and being really strict about what it's for, when it can't actually pay for that... when it's not something you've been wanting to do... that'd be annoying. I'd definitely write a TY note, saying that you're putting it in a fund towards lessons, for when you have enough saved to cover them. Then if he really wants her to have lessons now, he can ask how much you really need, or at least he won't get a chance to get mad if he asks about her lessons and she's not doing any!

[EdnaMarie]

I think that's an awesome gift and to me it sounds like he didn't realize the diplomatic way of putting it was, "For dance lessons." I don't think it's a stipulation... think of it more as an old-fashioned gift-card.

I, too, would probably save up and let him know you've opened a special account for her music or dance lessons and when you've saved up you will be sending lots of pictures.

[ElaynesMom]

Originally Posted by EdnaMarie

I think that's an awesome gift and to me it sounds like he didn't realize the diplomatic way of putting it was, "For dance lessons." I don't think it's a stipulation... think of it more as an old-fashioned gift-card.

I, too, would probably save up and let him know you've opened a special account for her music or dance lessons and when you've saved up you will be sending lots of pictures.

I guess it is like an old fashioned gift card. My only issue is that to use this "gift card" I have to spend hundreds of dollars of my own money. Hopefully he will be ok with us saving it up to put her in lessons or a class in the future.

And I'm so jealous of those of you who have classes like that at your rec centre. Everything in my town costs a fortune.

[EdnaMarie]

I'm sure he didn't realize the cost. Lessons cost a ton, here, too. I'd love my girl in music lessons but it's so expensive.

[gbailey]

Originally Posted by EdnaMarie

I'm sure he didn't realize the cost. Lessons cost a ton, here, too. I'd love my girl in music lessons but it's so expensive.

Just an FYI most programs offer discounts but they don't advertise it. We went to a demo a year ago for DD and when we were presented with the cost we were up front in not being able to afford it. The instructor told me to email her and she would forward me the discounts available. They waived the registration fee and we received 15% off. HTH

[MJB]

Is there no YMCA where you live?

[camracrazy]

I guess we should be grateful that we have the Y and rec centers in our town!

If there is something she would like to do, I would call the place and ask about scholarships or possibly volunteering to cover part of the cost. If not, I would just save it for her to do something in the future.

You could also look at local churches for classes. My oldest went to a soccer camp offered by a local church over the summer that was free.... if I would have went through the local soccer leagues it would have been $90 or more.

[Norasmomma]

I find it funny how many people are shocked there aren't rec centers or YMCA's available to the OP. Not everyone lives in the city, I don't, I live in an incredibly rural area. Dance lessons here are only offered by a private school and they cost well over $100. In fact it's more like $300 for a 4 year old.

Not everybody has these types of programs available to them. Lessons for kids are expensive, luckily for us my DH is an awesome musician, so my DD gets piano lessons from daddy.

[ElaynesMom]

Originally Posted by MJB

Is there no YMCA where you live?

No, the nearest YMCA location is a half hour drive away. I don't drive, and my dh does rotating shift work (days and nights as well as days of the week) so he is unavailable every other week for weekly classes.

Originally Posted by camracrazy

I guess we should be grateful that we have the Y and rec centers in our town!

If there is something she would like to do, I would call the place and ask about scholarships or possibly volunteering to cover part of the cost. If not, I would just save it for her to do something in the future.

You could also look at local churches for classes. My oldest went to a soccer camp offered by a local church over the summer that was free.... if I would have went through the local soccer leagues it would have been $90 or more.

We could swing it, it wouldn't come out of our budget for rent, food, etc., but we are really trying to save for a down payment since we currently rent, and we have a pitifully small emergency fund, and we still owe money on our car, etc. Maybe it sounds bad, but there are just so many other things we could put our money towards. Like I said, in another year or so when she shows more interest in these types of things, we will put her in lessons or a class. Until then we will put the 100 dollars away.



And yes, my FIL does know how much the lessons cost. He mentioned this gift idea to me before her birthday, and I told him how much the lessons cost and said that we probably won't be putting my dd in lessons this year, but maybe in another year or so if she wants to. He still gave the 100 dollars and specified it was for lessons. I think he feels we should be putting her in lessons of some sort, so by giving us money for them we will feel obligated to do so. He can sometimes be that way about things.