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| Originally posted by gardeningmom [B]I don't believe that tantrums are a form of communication, but a form of manipulation. |
And, the usual advice then is to treat the behaviour as something negative and undesirable. As mamaduck has explained, this simply results in the child internalizing feelings of conflict and they usually manifest themselves later in other destructive ways. Also, it most definitely sends a message to the child that it is not "right" for them to be experiencing the feelings they are experiencing (note this is very different from sending the message that the emotions are valid but the *expression of those emotions* needs work).
However, things are not always as they seem, and this is always most true when you go into a situation with a pre-determined idea of what is really going on. A hypothesis may seem "proven" by an observation, but the real test is to try and "disprove" it. And it *has* been disproven that children are manipulative in that way.
Study after study has shown that young children's brains simply don't work like that, they don't think that way. Manipulative behaviour is actually a rather complex function, involving the "higher thinking" parts of the brain such as the pre-frontal cortex. THIS REGION IS NOT FULLY DEVELOPED IN YOUNG CHILDREN. They simply are not capable of thinking in such a manner. They are largely REACTIVE creatures, which is to say that there is a very pure and simple connection between "data in" and "data out". They want a pen -> mama says no -> they exprience a wave of emotion -> they express that as purely as they feel it. That's it. There is no deduction involved "oh, maybe if I stomp my feet and yell then I can tick her off so much that she will let me have that pen".
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| My 14 month old will point at something she may want, if it is something appropriate I may give it to her , but if it something she shouldn't have I don't. Generally she'll whine or stomp her little feet if she doesn't get it. |
Could you not entertain the idea that your child is experiencing a strong emotion (disappointment, anger, frustration) and is expressing it the only way she knows how? Can you acknowledge that we, as a society, have "rules" for how emotions are to be expressed (for better or for worse) and that this behaviour has to be taught and learned?
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| I don't want to encourage that behaviour. Does that make sense to anyone? |
Nobody wants to encourage that behaviour. I'm just suggesting to you that perhaps there are ways of going about that (changing the behaviour) that don't ascribe sinister motivations to a child, or other underlying thinking patterns that they are neurologically incapable of.I say this with all due respect, honestly. But I strongly encourage you to check out some early childhood education websites, also developmental psychology is a good field. Not your usual "self help" style books by "experts" who are going to tell you what to do, but real science that delves into the study of how infants think, how they process information, etc. It is truly a fascinating area! (I never tire of those cute baby experiments in critical thinking that usually involve toys and surprises, lol).
Anyways, I'm picking on you as an example but I mean no disrespect.
