Pregnancy is ruining our friendship...

[karalynnskies]

I am looking for some advice on how to handle my friend or for someone to just tell me I'm overreacting.

I have a friend whom I have known most of my life and I have always considered one of my best friends. Our friendship has been up and down over the last several years for many reasons. She became pregnant in December of 2008 and had him in August of 2009. We had both been talking about getting pregnant at the time and I was going to, depending on whether or not I got into the radiography program at my school, which I wouldn't have found out until March.

As soon as she found out she was pregnant she told me she did not want us to get pregnant and steal her thunder. She was really mean and hurtful to me her whole pregnancy. She would tell me she hoped I had morning sickness as bad as her so I could understand what she was going through, she never wanted me to hang out with my other friends and I felt like I constantly annoyed her.

I continued being her friend because I knew she had a lot of personal things going on in her life and she felt completely unsupported. After she had her son things did get better and we haven't really been butting heads.

I am graduating next May (WOO HOO!) and me and my hubby are going to start trying in November. Well I told her and now she is going to start trying again in November as well. She had just told me last month that she didn't want another one for a long time. I feel like she is just going to start trying because we are. I honestly wouldn't care if it wasn't for how she treated me when she was pregnant with her first and how she made such a big deal of me stealing her lime light. She is already going on about how things in my pregnancy are going to be and how I will start showing at 2 months cause she did and how I will probably start feeling sick a month in cause she did. Am I overreacting by feeling like I don't want her to be pregnant with me cause I don't want a repeat of the first time, especially if I'm pregnant. I do not want to deal with that stress! Do you think I should say anything to her? She is acting so excited to be pregnant together.

Sorry so long I am just kind of irritated

[peainthepod]

No, you're not overreacting, being too sensitive, or anything else invalidating. She sounds toxic.

Not wanting you to hang out with your own friends? That's ridiculous and not something healthy adults demand of one another. Her pregnancy symptoms have nothing to do with you; every pregnancy is different, even in the same mother, so try not to take her claims too seriously. It sounds like she's horribly insecure and is doing her best to rain on your parade to make herself feel better. That is not something friends do, by the way, and you don't have to accept it.

I would start distancing myself from this friendship and in the meantime, figuring out how much I get out of being her friend. Make a pros and cons list, even. Does she support you? Love you even when you disagree? Make you feel heard and listened to? Know you better than most people--and I mean really know YOU, not the you she's decided you should be?

Do you find yourself supporting her but being unsupported when you need her most? Do you find yourself walking on eggshells around her for fear of her irrational, even cruel reactions to your own normal behaviors, thoughts, and feelings? Do you feel generally better after talking to her--uplifted, happy, loved--or do you feel worse--guilty, obligated, even fearful? Does she ever make you feel crazy, like you're too sensitive, or like you need to just "lighten up" and stop taking offense when she says mean things to you?

Start limiting the personal information you give her. Or give her information that's vague and that she can't use against you. She doesn't need to know that you're TTC, for instance. That's the kind of information you'd share with normal, loving friends--but she is anything but loving right now and so needs to be kept out of that particular loop.

You don't have to put up with this nonsense, mama, and you shouldn't if it's going to have a negative effect on your pregnancy. You deserve to be happy.

[dachshundqueen]

At some point you need to tell her that you're not going to continue to accept this kind of behavior and how you expect her to treat you. You can couch it however you want, but if she only wants you to dump on, I'd run fast and far.

Liz

[GoBecGo]

Is she competitive in other areas of life? Does she often worry you will "steal her thunder"? (i ask this because this year i had a good friend have their #3 in January, another have their #1 in March, another had their #1 in May, i had #2 in June, one of my best best friends had her #1 22 days later and another best best friend had #3 in July and none of us got competitive about it or fell out over it or anything, despite some births going off-piste and others being "perfect", a multitude of different and similar early baby experiences and varying degrees of happiness/stress in the early months).

Maybe she felt very alone 1st time around and is happy to not be "alone" with it this time? Maybe she took it out on you because you were the person she could trust?

I don't know - you know her best. Honestly if she were my friend i'd try to talk about it, and if that proved fruitless i'd distance myself from her during the pregnancy. I tend to be the person people call when they have questions about babies/pregnancy/birth (my best best friend who had her baby 3 weeks after mine texted me in labour and said "think my waters might have gone - clear fluid dribbling out with contractions..?" and i was like "um, maybe you should go in. NOW." she arrived fully dilated and pushing, had her DD 2 hours later in the water! so nonchalant...) so i am forever saying "well, mine did this but they are ALL different" - her expectation that it'll all go for you as it did for her is a bit worrying.

[karalynnskies]

Thanks for the advice. I probably do need to talk to her. I may just tell her my feelings are hurt because how she treated me in her pregnancy and now I'm supposed to be thrilled to share my first with her. I honestly would love to have a friend to be pregnant with. I think it would be neat to share the experience and have someone who can relate to things hubby may not!
I just feel like if I say anything its going to cause a lot of issues. I kind of feel like the friendship isn't going to survive much longer anyway. Once I do have a child I know I am going to parent completely opposite of how she does. I think that will annoy her because she acts like shes a pregnancy/parenting genius. She just doesn't realize there is more than one way to do things, and her way is not right for everybody. She is already saying I won't make it through labor and delivery without an epidural and that I should request it in the parking lot or I'm going to regret it. And I won't even tell you what she thinks about home birth!
Its just sad for me cause we have been friends for so long and she was truly like a sister to me for years. I just don't know what happened.

[Smokering]

Goodness. I could excuse some of her pregnancy behavior on crazy wacky hormones, but... what's her excuse now?

If I were you, I think I'd disengage. Friendships wax and wane, that's sadly how life is. Some are strong enough to make it through big life changes that bring with them changes in philosophy, relationships, time commitments and so on. Lots aren't. It sounds like this is one.

[CherryBomb]

Originally Posted by Smokering

If I were you, I think I'd disengage. Friendships wax and wane, that's sadly how life is. Some are strong enough to make it through big life changes that bring with them changes in philosophy, relationships, time commitments and so on. Lots aren't. It sounds like this is one.

[miami mommy]

A true friend would be happy for you to become pregnant, not tell you not to get pregnant and steal her thunder! You're not overreacting at all to not want to be pregnant at the same time. The last thing you need while pregnant is extra stress. And especially if she ends up criticizing your parenting style you should move on, grieve the end of your friendship, and go find some better friends.

It can be neat to be pregnant at the same time as a friend. I got pregnant a few weeks after a friend of mine did, but our pregnancies were so wildly different that we didn't get to commiserate much. If your pregnancy ends up being much easier than hers, I can see that causing a lot of stress in your friendship.

[crazyms]

I had a friend like this (note the HAD). We were best friends in school but the older we got the more we disagreed. She is a very judgmental, she's always right kind of person. She didn't react that way with my pregnancy in particular and she was pregnant with her first when I was with my second but she commented and judged every thing I said/did.

A few examples: I breastfed until DS was 9 months, she never did. From the time he was about 6 wks on she would constantly say "Aren't you tired of that yet? Don't you want your body back?" No concern that this was better for my child and my choice. I chose to selective/delayed vax and it was "Thats crazy. He can't go to school like that. He's going to get a horrible disease." and my personal favorite "If they had a shot for the common cold I'd give it to C."

It was always something with her. After having the boys I stopped talking to her much mostly only answering the phone if she called me and stopped telling her anything about my life. We went on about 2 years mostly just discussing the weather or something else mundane lol. I had a breaking point when DH and I split up and she turned on me talking about me for something that she didn't not know about and was untrue without ever speaking to me about it first. She wasn't a friend. I'm sorry you're going through this but it may be best to separate from the friendship.

I did have friends I was pregnant with, with my first I had two friends deliver within a month of me and with DS one delivered a month after me. It was nice to have that kind of bond at the time and we could talk about it all withOUT judging each other. Every pregnancy is different even for the same mother (I'm pregnant with #3 and all 3 of my pregnancies have been different) so I wouldn't worry about her comments about your pregnancy/labor. Joining the DDC for your month on here once you are pregnant can offer some great support during the pregnancy if you don't know anyone IRL pregnant then. Good luck!

[EdnaMarie]

Originally Posted by Smokering

Goodness. I could excuse some of her pregnancy behavior on crazy wacky hormones, but... what's her excuse now?

If I were you, I think I'd disengage. Friendships wax and wane, that's sadly how life is. Some are strong enough to make it through big life changes that bring with them changes in philosophy, relationships, time commitments and so on. Lots aren't. It sounds like this is one.

I agree. She sounds really insecure and why do you need that put on *you*, you know?

I thought this thread was going to be about different parenting philosophies but it doesn't sound to me like you're overreacting at all. She just doesn't sound like a good friend. I'm sorry--that must be hard.

[Ann-Marita]

I'd be tempted to tell her that your going to TTC starting in January or Feb, and then actually start in November, a few months early.

She sounds like she's not a very mature friend.

[karalynnskies]

Ann-Marita, I may tell her that we are going to start trying later and see what happens. I don't want to be like her though and try to control when they have children. Its their life and they know what is right or wrong for them. I just hope they are choosing to have another child because they want one, not because me and hubby are going to try to get preggo!

Crazyms I feel like that is our relationship to a tee and our friendship is probably going to end. Once again I feel sad because I really do love her like family. I guess all friendships are not meant to last forever.

I really do appreciate all the advice and I definitely feel better about how I am feeling and that I am not overreacting. I guess I either need to sit down and talk with her or just kind of stop reaching out and making an effort. Its kind of funny I feel like I'm breaking up with someone! lol

[PikkuMyy]

Originally Posted by miami mommy

A true friend would be happy for you to become pregnant, not tell you not to get pregnant and steal her thunder! You're not overreacting at all to not want to be pregnant at the same time. The last thing you need while pregnant is extra stress. And especially if she ends up criticizing your parenting style you should move on, grieve the end of your friendship, and go find some better friends.

It can be neat to be pregnant at the same time as a friend. I got pregnant a few weeks after a friend of mine did, but our pregnancies were so wildly different that we didn't get to commiserate much. If your pregnancy ends up being much easier than hers, I can see that causing a lot of stress in your friendship.

I completely agree except that I haven't been pregnant yet.

[journeymom]

I guess I either need to sit down and talk with her or just kind of stop reaching out and making an effort.

Sounds like a plan. I hope you will talk to her. Tell her, gently, some of what you told us here, tell her that you living your own life has nothing to do with her living her life. Be kind and compassionate. And let the chips fall where they will. She'll either get it or she won't.

[SamuraiMom]

Start putting some distance between you and her. Spend more time with other people or doing other things. It sounds like she is "toxic" as one person said, you don't need that stress in your life, we should all have friends who are encouraging and supportive, not demeaning know-it-alls, too much work. You deserve better than that, especially when you are growing a baby inside of you!