Trick or Treat? That is the question.... OCTOBER Dating Thread! - Page 2

[mimim]

doubledutch - A crush! Fun! I hope you run into him again.

Devaya, you have a lot going on! I hope you are enjoying it, but I know what you mean about "not right". I think I'm in the same place at the moment.

I haven't seen Coffee Shop Guy again yet, but I will next week. I'm trying to take it nice and slow. He might be too "normal" for me really.

Also, a guy that I spent only one night with over a year ago just got in touch with me. We have talked from time to time about getting together again since we met, but only actually saw each other that once. I am always pleased when I hear from him. I get a tiny surge of affection - "Oh, look. There's the Bicycle Boy again." Hmm. I'm not sure if I wanna go for meaningless sex, but he's very tempting.

[kathirynne]

Weird situation - HELP!

Okay, so a few months ago, I saw this really cute guy at the bank where my firm banks. I didn't think much of it, other than "Wow!"

Fast-forward to about 2 weeks ago. I was eating lunch at this little diner, and he came in and sat at the counter. I had a great view of him, but he really couldn't see me unless he turned around, which he didn't. (As a side note: I almost sat at the counter that day, but opted for a booth, instead. I'm still kicking myself for that decision!) After he left, I asked the waitress (we're friends) if she knew anything about him and she told me that his name was Dave and that he worked....wait for it....at the bank where my firm banks.

OKAY. The next day I had to go to the bank for work. (I promise I didn't just randomly go there!) I asked my friend who is a teller there about Dave's situation (gay or straight, taken or available, et cetera). When she told me that he was both straight and available, I gave her my work phone number and asked her to give it to him. She said, "I'm going to email him right now....he'll be so excited."

And then....nothing for a week.

A couple of days ago, I was back in the bank for work and she asked if she could give him my home number, because he had asked for it, saying that he could only reach me at my work number from 9-5, and those are the same hours he worked, so it was tough for him to call me at that number. So I said yes. And still nothing.

I'm tempted to give him a call at his office and invite him out for a walk along the river at lunchtime one day next week. (The river is right near the bank, and the leaves are just turning - it's gorgeous there right now.)

Thoughts? Is the walk idea too pushy and stalkerish? Was he just being polite asking for my home number, or is it safe to assume that he is interested in at least speaking to me on the phone? Any other ideas on how I can solve the "I think you're cute, but you have no earthly idea what I look like" connundrum?

TIA!

[doubledutch]

Originally Posted by kathirynne

I'm tempted to give him a call at his office and invite him out for a walk along the river at lunchtime one day next week. (The river is right near the bank, and the leaves are just turning - it's gorgeous there right now.)

Thoughts? Is the walk idea too pushy and stalkerish? Was he just being polite asking for my home number, or is it safe to assume that he is interested in at least speaking to me on the phone?

i think the walk is the perfect low-key way to chat and have it not be a big deal, but since he asked for your home number so he could call you off-the-clock, i wouldn't call him at work. hmm. next time you go to the bank:
a. if you see him, introduce yourself and ask if he wants to take that walk
or
b. if you don't see him, ask that friend for his number. he must be okay with that, or he wouldn't have asked for yours.

eta: i also think since it was only a couple of days since he got your number, that's only a couple of evenings when he may have already been really busy, and didn't get a chance to call. i mean, if i were calling my mom or something, i will just call when i'm in my car or whatever. but a phone call like that, i would want to have nothing else going on. i don't think it means anything that he hasn't called yet, and there is no way he asked for your home number just to be polite.

[kathirynne]

Duh!

Originally Posted by doubledutch

...next time you go to the bank:
...if you don't see him, ask that friend for his number. he must be okay with that, or he wouldn't have asked for yours.

I can't believe I didn't think of this on my own.

ETA: you don't think it's pushy for me to call him?

[JohnnysGirl]

Cucumber has kinds slacked off, after a promising end-of-September. I'm now seriously jonesing for something slightly romantic to come from him. Hmm.

[LoveOhm]

Originally Posted by sugarmoon

There is also a new kind of loneliness that comes with being in the midst of many people.

ATG is.....around. I'm no more clear about that than I was on Saturday morning...

It feels nice to be understood. I do feel alone in a sea of acquaintances. Not sure about opening that door with ATG but I do hope you can stay friends.

Originally Posted by mimim

Dating sucks, but running into random awesome guys doesn't!

Yesterday, I went into my local coffee shop and started an awesome conversation with this really cute guy. I was planning to go to my yoga class after my coffee, but I skipped it to sit and talk. It was the easiest conversation and we had tons in common it seems. We're both teachers, he has a son about my daughter's age, he had read the book I was reading and he was reading the NYT while he drank his coffee and we talked about some of the stories. We walked out together and he asked if we could hang out again sometime, so we exchanged numbers. A few minutes ago he texted me about a story related to one of our conversation topics and said he hoped we could get together soon. I haven't answered yet, but I will definitely make plans with him again this week. Or maybe I should put it off a little bit so I can calm down??? I need to not get my hopes up too much, because I have a tendency to allow things to move too fast. But really? Major swoon!

I agree. To me dating sucks but running into nice guys and/or being in a healthy relationship doesn't. I tend to meet my guys in similar ways as you met the one above or at events friends host like dinner parties and BBQs. I would get together sooner than later and just do something casual like tea at first.

Devaya ~ I would let the Accountant Guy go. He is showing similar patterns to a man I dated and honestly it's just not worth it in the end for you. You deserve to be courted by a man not to run after or try to convince someone you are worth making a priority. The housemate seems interesting..... I look forward to those updates!

"well it's nice to have possiblities but why are they are all so 'not right'! Sigh. I am feeling it would be so nice to have someone to cuddle up with..."

ditto ditto ditto!

kathirynne ~ I would wait on him to call you or for you to run into him..... but that is just me. You have done your part.

Butterflymom ~ I am sorry I am lost it seemed Cucumber had improved in showing and telling you of his affections. What is it that he was promising was to happen at the end-of-September??? Hopefully the romance will be over the moon again soon.

[LoveOhm]

I am been MIA this month because of custody stuff but now court has passed so read the update here: http://www.mothering.com/discussions....php?t=1269864

[*MamaJen*]

Hi. I think I'm back.
I took some serious time off of dating, jeez, almost a full year ago. I got really smitten with the jazz composer, who talked this huge talk and turned out to be a total narcissist with a girlfriend. I put some serious time into self-growth and trying to figure out and break old patterns.
In the spring, I met this incredibly nice guy. He's close friends with two separate groups of my friends, and I'm kind of surprised we hadn't met before. All of our mutual friends have nothing but glowing things to say about him. He's cute, in a tall, skinny geeky kind of way, and incredibly intelligent, and educated, and just really, really nice. We went on about three dates and I really enjoyed his company, but about that time things with my ex went haywire and I think I just wasn't ready. But I kept on thinking about him a little bit, and thinking he was exactly the kind of guy I needed to be with, and beating myself up a little for letting it slip away. He was out of town all summer doing a work project (he just finished his masters degree).
I didn't date at all over the summer, and my life was crazy busy taking classes I needed before grad school started. Then I went to this professional conference at the end of July and met this cute young reporter (he's like, seven years younger than me ) who lives a couple hours away from me. I wound up hanging out with him and a bunch of people from his paper that night, and we had this terrifically fun night on the town, and then we went back to the hotel to talk about politics. We stayed in touch after the conference, and he wound up coming down to visit me every two or three weeks over the last few months. We obviously weren't going to be soul mates, but we enjoyed each other's company. It was warm and affectionate and a lot of fun, in a kind of Stella getting her groove back sort of way.
So anyway...I went to my friend's daughter's first birthday party a couple weekends ago, and the incredibly nice guy was there. We wound up talking almost the whole time, and I was reminded again of how much I just really liked him as a person. At the end of the party I kind of shyly said something about how we should hang out at some point. But I was the one who let it fizzle out the first time, and I wasn't sure if he would want to try again.
This weekend, cute young reporter guy was supposed to come visit me, but he called on Thursday really apologetic saying that a bunch of his friends were going camping, and could we postpone it until next weekend? And I said that wasn't a problem.
So...I texted the incredibly nice guy, and asked him if he wanted to get together. And he said yes. And we went out last night and had the best time ever, just talking and talking and talking. We share so many of the same core philosophies and believe the same things. And then we kissed. We picked up DS from the babysitter and went back to my place and we kept on kissing for literally two hours straight. Nothing (much) more than that happened, and we actually had a conversation that we both liked each other a lot and didn't want to rush into anything. It was so incredibly good, though. It actually was kind of terrifying how raw and vulnerable and honest it felt.
So, yeah. He texted me today saying he had a wonderful time and we're hanging out again either Tuesday or Thursday, depending on my work. And I sent the cute reporter boy a message telling him how much I enjoyed hanging out with him the last few months, but I met someone and I wanted to give it an honest shot and see where it might lead.
So I'm very, very, very cautiously optimistic that this could be the start of something good. The one crappy thing is that he just finished his masters and he's applying for jobs all over the country, though he wants to stay in this town if at all possible.
So anyway, I've had a smile on my face today.

[Devaya]

[QUOTE=LoveOhm;15933950]

Devaya ~ I would let the Accountant Guy go. He is showing similar patterns to a man I dated and honestly it's just not worth it in the end for you. You deserve to be courted by a man not to run after or try to convince someone you are worth making a priority. The housemate seems interesting..... I look forward to those updates!

LoveOhm, I agree...but now slighly confused as Accountant Guy has contacted me again (after me not contacting him for a week) and said he's got a week off next week, would I like to hang out - he suggested coming down to see me...so now he DOES seem to be making an effort - when the day he suggested didn't suit me b/c I have my son with me, he offered to re-arrange another commitment he had so he could come down on the day that's convenient for me...but whether it will actually happen remains to be seen. I really liked him when when we met but now the momentum's sort of been lost, I'm feeling nervous about seeing him again, b/c it might have just been a physical attraction - he seems really sweet and he makes me laugh a lot but somehow this stage of 'we are interested in each other and going to see where it goes' always brings up a lot of fear in me..I kind of prefer it when it all just 'happens' if you know what I mean! As for the 'housemate' guy, he's lovely but the age difference is just too much...I mean, would you guys consider a 26 year age gap??Is it just me??

I'm starting to feel v confused about what I really want - not sure if it's a 'relationship' at the moment so much as just someone to see sometimes, and not have anything too heavy going on - but I know if I were to meet 'the right one' I would toss that all out in a second On Sat night I was at an amazing party full of arty people and LOADS of cute guys, and had a great time flirting and dancing...I think in a way I'm enjoying those aspects of being single too much to give it up for just any guy...and then I bumped into a guy I'd got chatting to a week ago after dance class, Arty Guy let's call him - he's quite cute, very sweet and gentle, and seems sincere - who has just moved to the area. He seemed to really enjoy talking to me and I know I'll bump into him again....and he's really more the type of guy I see potential with, than the Accountant Guy is - b/c he's into spiritual and arty things whereas the Accountant Guy is open to those things but not actually doing them...so he's actually living the life rather than just dreaming about it.

Kathyrinne, I agree with LoveOhm - I would leave the ball in the banker guy's court for now, as he knows you are interested...good luck! He does sound interested...

*MamaJen*, exciting to read your post - this guy sounds great, and it's so cool when that strong connection is there, and it's mutually felt. Keep us posted!

[JohnnysGirl]

LoveOhm, I'm sorry I was cryptic.
I meant that when we first discussed things at the end of last month, he really made an effort to open up his mouth & speak up a few nice things to me.... but now the last week or so things have kind of fizzled back to the old, mum ways. When I brought it up Saturday night, he was sort of like, "Come on, what do you expect? I'm a regular guy...." but....he was drinking at the time & he might have been a little dismissive & light hearted about it because of some intoxication.
Yesterday we had the best night ever, sans verbal romance, but....... him shining in what comes naturally--non-verbal demonstration of the emotional support & physical affection categories.

I want it all!

[Zeta]

Hi all, I've been following this thread but haven't posted in months. I'll update you on three guys and then ask a question.

I was engaged to a really special guy - we were together 2.5 yrs and I really loved him- but in the end we just really couldn't make it work. I broke up with him early this summer. It was super sad for me even though I was the one to break it off- I had really, really wanted it to work. I just had come to accept that it was not going to.

Over the summer I dated a couple guys. One, my "nemesis," was super fun to go out with- we always had an outrageous blast together. Talk about sparks! It was like the fourth of july. but he is an empty nester and ultimately just could not see himself with a mom with young kids. We were never exclusive, but I was getting kind of attached to him- maybe he was, too- he said he had never connected with someone on so many levels- and about that time he said he thought maybe we should stop seeing each other, that it was not fair to me, as I deserved to have a real partner, and he could not be that. i still don't know if he had been kind of stringing me along, playing me a bit (he would sometimes drop hints about a possible future "If i fall in love, anything is possible") or not. but it's over and I know it's in my best interest because ultimately we were not that compatible personality-wise, he was no soul mate, just amazingly attractive to me.

But since we were never exclusive, I'd gone online and met someone. That was one way in which the lack of exclusivity really ended up being a kindness in the end- the night we broke up a cute boy (CB) came over with nice skotch and godiva chocolate to console me. ;-) So I started paying more attention to this cute boy. He is my age and has a young child, so we're at the same stage in our lives. I have reservations about him because i do not like the way he talks about his ex- very vindictive and seems to have no awareness of his own pettiness and bitterness. big turn off. but we have a great time together, do have a lot in common, and our lifestyles dovetail effortlessly. He's really into me...but is recently divorced so not wanting to jump into a new commitment.

I guess where I'm at with it right now is that we are starting to get close, there's an intensity of physical and emotional intimacy to our time together. i could walk away or I could go with exclusivity- not because I think he's the one, who knows, but because, as one person earlier in the thread said, I'd like to give it an honest try. It seems weird to be open to what happens with CB meanwhile cultivating online contacts and such. Intimacy seems to beg for a certain privacy, and focus.

So my question is, at what point do you like exclusivity? What determines your preference for exclusivity?

Thanks for listening!

[mommy_to_2angels]

Wow, so much is going on for everyone. Good luck to the ladies where things are looking up and keep your chins up to those who are having a rough time. Things will work out one way or the other.

On my side, ex is being stupid. But TDH and I had a great weekend and he's so great with the kids. For example, we were sitting out on the porch and ds was running around and ran up to TDH and he picked him up and they were playing tickle monster and my heart swelled. (You know that feeling I am sure.)

Then when ex, who was supposed to have come in the morning, finally showed up at 4pm....(argh....) DS was standing waiting to get into the car. He ran onto the lawn, picked a flower and yelling "Deddeee" (Jesse) ran up to TDH and gave it to him. He hugged him goodbye and then I put him in ex's car.

This man is just amazing. He's got just the right amount of sensitivity and badassishness to get through to every part of me. I feel so lucky. I have 2 beautiful and great kids and an awesome, incredible man.

[Bad Mama Jama]

i've been dating a really great guy and we have a lot of physical tension and i am okay with that as i don't want to rush it and flame out. he is very generous, sweet, compassionate and loves his children. i am feeling very fortunate and i am just enjoying this as it is unfolding. so keep me in your thoughts!

[mimim]

Zeta, exclusivity is so dependent on circumstances. I think when I get to the point where I am with someone and wish I was with the other person is when I start thinking about asking to define the parameters of the relationship. Or if I suspect that he isn't seeing anyone else and I know I'd be satisfied to just be with him, then I'd bring it up.

mommy to 2 angels, I'm almost jealous of you. But really I'm inspired by you.

Bad Mama Jama, good luck! It's so wise to take things slowly and enjoy the anticipation!

Okay, I have three things going on right now.

1. Coffee Shop Guy - seeing him on Saturday for our first official date. We'll see.

2. Arthur - 2nd date on Sunday. Nice. No sparks, but they could possibly develop. He renamed himself Arthur for me, because his actual name has negative connotations.

3. Internet Crush - first date Thursday. I've been emailing back and forth a lot with this guy for a week or so and we aren't even close to running out of things to talk about. I get a tiny thrill when he writes to me. I made two little jokes in the last email I sent him and he ran with both of them in a really cute way. I'm prepared to be disappointed when I meet him, but I really hope not. Wish me tons of luck with this one! He is so good on paper.

There is also Bicycle Boy, who would just be a booty call, but I'm not feeling like meaningless sex, so I think I'll skip him. My schedule is way overfull right now anyway.

[kathirynne]

Banker Boy update

I got this email from him yesterday morning.

Hi I am D., from the bank. I apologize that I never contacted you. I am flattered by your interest, and in all honesty I am not used to receiving this sort of attention. I am extremely busy most of the time as well. Regardless, I think I owe you coffee or something. Let me know if you have some time that works for you this week?


Hope you are having a great day,

D


Thoughts?

[*MamaJen*]

Originally Posted by kathirynne

I got this email from him yesterday morning.

Hi I am D., from the bank. I apologize that I never contacted you. I am flattered by your interest, and in all honesty I am not used to receiving this sort of attention. I am extremely busy most of the time as well. Regardless, I think I owe you coffee or something. Let me know if you have some time that works for you this week?


Hope you are having a great day,

D


Thoughts?

I think that's a very nice, and very sane response. It gives you a nice, low-pressure opening to have a cup of coffee and see if you click at all. I like that he wasn't all schmaltzy about it.

My update -- I saw the Incredibly Nice Guy again last night. I had a super crazy busy day, and had to wake up early the next morning, but he came over for a couple hours after I put DS to bed. It was really, really nice. I like that the conversation between us flows so easily, and I like the person that he is. And he really, really likes me. He keeps on saying little nice things, telling me how much he admires the way I'm able to manage motherhood, work and grad school, telling me he thinks I'm a really neat person. He said he had, and I quote, a "big dorky crush" on me. Oh, and he gave me a foot rub without me asking. I told him I cut things off with the other guy I was casually dating.
There was lots of making out, and it was kind of crazy how good it felt.
Honestly, the whole thing is a little terrifying, and I've had moments where I've felt a little panicky over how honest and vulnerable I'm feeling. I think I've spent a lot of years dating guys who had really big things wrong with them -- alcoholics, personality disorders, even abusive. Charming, handsome, but bad news. And here's this guy who's all the kinds of things I'm looking for, and I really like him, and he really likes me. I'm glad that we both have a lot of respect for each other's boundaries. I want to take this thing slow and see if it might wind up being something real.

[doubledutch]

kath, that's cool! i would just be like, "that sounds great, how about (place) on (day)?"

jen, squee!

i'm just having fun window shopping. and i can window shop for a long time before i feel the need to bring something home with me! i did get a thrilling hug from a boy i've liked forevah (like since the day we met). i need that occasional reassurance that i'm likeable - not that anything is going on, or going to anytime soon, but just, like, some mostly-friendly mild interest from a cute boy. it's nice.

[kathirynne]

Help me respond to Banker Boy's email

This is what I am thinking of sending him, probably tomorrow.....tell me what you think.

D-

I'm sorry I haven't gotten back to you sooner. My week has been really hectic.

While I don't know that you "owe" me coffee, I do think it would be nice for us to officially meet in person and get to know each other a little bit.

My calendar is full for the remainder of this week, but we could get a hot chocolate and go for a walk along the river after work sometime next week. The leaves there are beautiful this time of year.

Give me a call (I put my phone number here) and let me know what works for you.

Have a nice week end!

Kathirynne

ETA: I know I seem obsessive about this, but I have a tendency to ruin things by being too assertive or too demonstrative or too much of a force of nature or SOMEthing.....

[mommy_to_2angels]

Sounds good to me! I'm excited for you!!

[doubledutch]

it sounds good, but i would keep it a bit simpler. accept his offer and suggest a couple of days/times that would be good for you. yippee!

p.s. i think it's find to hit "send" whenever you're ready. you've already waited a day.