Trick or Treat? That is the question.... OCTOBER Dating Thread! - Page 3

[Oh the Irony]

I wouldn't apologize for not gettin back to him sooner. Maybe:


Hi xx,

Thanks for gettin in touch. I would like to meet up for coffe or cocoa. Maybe we could walk? The leaves are gorgeous right now. This week is really busy for me. Would next xx or xx after work be good for you?


I would leave it where he could just email you. Have you read He's Just Not That into You? I think it could be a good read for you.

[*MamaJen*]

Originally Posted by Oh the Irony

I wouldn't apologize for not gettin back to him sooner. Maybe:


Hi xx,

Thanks for gettin in touch. I would like to meet up for coffe or cocoa. Maybe we could walk? The leaves are gorgeous right now. This week is really busy for me. Would next xx or xx after work be good for you?


I would leave it where he could just email you. Have you read He's Just Not That into You? I think it could be a good read for you.

That one sounds good.

[Devaya]

Kathirynne, good luck with the banker guy - I sympathise bc I too overanalyse and agonise over every text I send and things like that!

MamaJen, this guy sounds awesome, but I do understand those feelings of freak-out when things are almost TOO good...letting yourself open up and vulnerable is never easy...could totally relate to what you said about past guys who were emotionally unavailable in some way...my ex (DS's father) was an alcoholic and previous serious relationships were all addicts of one kind of another even if it took me a while to realise what kind! So it's scary when someone actually is 'there' and really present with you, b/c it breaks all kinds of old patterns - and I guess part of us just wants to hold on to the familiar and painful!

And, it turns out, a similar pattern of being attracted to someone who plays 'push-pull' with me, is now occurring with this Accountant Guy - don't know whY i've found it so hard to let go of him when all the signs are there...he's made plans with me about 4 times now only to pull out for seemingly legitimate reasons when it comes to the crunch...so finally I sent him a text tonight saying, texts (SMS'es) can lead to miscommunication and I'm not sure what his intentions are, I'm up for getting to know him better on the phone if he'd like to, but if not then probably better to let things go if it's not going anywhere. He hasn't replied...think that's probably it!

I'm finding it really, really hard right now not being in a relationship. It just seems I'm surrounded by, although not perfect of course, secure and happy-seeming couples who've been together for like a decade and can actually move on with their lives and plan things - I feel like I can't really do that when I don't know who I'll be with ...it's like a big piece of the jigsaw is missing...pathetic I know, esp b/c my life is very full - but it doesn't seem to matter how full it is, and how satisfying other areas of it are - I still want a partner... or at least someone to be intimate with, that i can trust.

A friend suggested I ask a guy I dated a few months ago, (a mutual friend), who I'm still friends with, if he wants to be 'intimate partners' (ie just lovers with no relationship strings attached), and I am going to see him this weekend so it's on my mind...but its his birthday party so I don't think it's the time to raise such issues and of course I'm scared of being rejected. I do still feel a lot of love for this guy whenever I think of or see him, and he's really NOT the destructive push-pull type: very honest and upfront about where he's at, very 'real', sensitive, able to be vulnerable, etc. But he had decided things didn't feel somehow right for a relationship with me, yet he told my friend recently he still likes me as much as ever and thinks I'm really lovely...exactly how i feel about him.

[JohnnysGirl]

I agree with Oh the Irony. Kathirynne, I also tend to be too much of a force of nature & scare men off by being too much too soon.

Cucumber seems to just.....go with it & be impossible to scare off. But I need to hear something sweet or flattering right now it's killin' me! He was able to step up a few times but the last 2 weeks have been mum, again. It feels like I'm just a FWB or something, minus any demonstrative/expressive non-platonic stuff ( besides exactly during intimacy which I initiate & he doesn't resist).

[LoveOhm]

Originally Posted by doubledutch

it sounds good, but i would keep it a bit simpler. accept his offer and suggest a couple of days/times that would be good for you. yippee!

Kathirynne, I agree the walk on the lake with hot coco sounds too much. Remember he may very well no know how to match your name to your face.... so baby steps are best. Also he may not be able to break away at lunch for a long walk.... coffee just sounds more casual which is what is needed at this point.

Also I would leave it at the email not adding your phone number.....

Best of luck! I a, looking forward to the updates!

Originally Posted by Devaya

I'm finding it really, really hard right now not being in a relationship. It just seems I'm surrounded by, although not perfect of course, secure and happy-seeming couples who've been together for like a decade and can actually move on with their lives and plan things - I feel like I can't really do that when I don't know who I'll be with ...it's like a big piece of the jigsaw is missing...pathetic I know, esp b/c my life is very full - but it doesn't seem to matter how full it is, and how satisfying other areas of it are - I still want a partner... or at least someone to be intimate with, that i can trust.

ditto. ditto. ditto.

I actually compromised and am in a relationship but.......... I think I'm in the relationship more because I feel safe and not lonely than because I found my soul mate. I tried a special friendship with an ex (which was nice) but it also could not meet all my needs. When you want the whole package 90% just won't do! Of course that's just my experience, but hopefully it will help you avoid the same speed bumps......

Originally Posted by Butterflymom

Cucumber seems to just.....go with it & be impossible to scare off. But I need to hear something sweet or flattering right now it's killin' me! He was able to step up a few times but the last 2 weeks have been mum, again. It feels like I'm just a FWB or something, minus any demonstrative/expressive non-platonic stuff ( besides exactly during intimacy which I initiate & he doesn't resist).

I said it above but I'll say it again..... When you want the whole package 90% just won't do! I think as single moms we have a better idea of what we want / need and it may take more for us to compromise on those items....

Cucumber shows his feelings in small consistent ways. That may be a healthy balance for you Butterfly but I know you want 110% and it can be hard to accept less.....

btw - can you give me some tips on initiating / expressing romantic stuff.... in private of course? I must be more like cucumber I can aodre someone and they don't even know it.

[Zeta]

Originally Posted by Devaya

A friend suggested I ask a guy I dated a few months ago, (a mutual friend), who I'm still friends with, if he wants to be 'intimate partners' (ie just lovers with no relationship strings attached), and I am going to see him this weekend so it's on my mind...but its his birthday party so I don't think it's the time to raise such issues and of course I'm scared of being rejected. I do still feel a lot of love for this guy whenever I think of or see him, and he's really NOT the destructive push-pull type: very honest and upfront about where he's at, very 'real', sensitive, able to be vulnerable, etc. But he had decided things didn't feel somehow right for a relationship with me, yet he told my friend recently he still likes me as much as ever and thinks I'm really lovely...exactly how i feel about him.

for me this would be asking for heart ache. my "nemesis" was kind of like this, and for stretches I could be good with the no strings attached intimacy but really i could not help be get attached. I gather some girls can do this but after two recent experiences I now know that my heart gets attached and the casual structure ends up making me feel super vulnerable. be careful.

And this does sound like push-pull to me:
"But he had decided things didn't feel somehow right for a relationship with me, yet he told my friend recently he still likes me as much as ever and thinks I'm really lovely."
-pulling you in but keeping you at arm's length.


My update: CB and I had a chat. At first he said he was sorry, that this was "mother nature's little trick" - the girl getting attached through oxytocin/dtd and the man remaining able to just enjoy it. He said that next to his daughter I was the most important person in his life...but that he did not want to become a couple. Guys are so funny! Anyway the next day he called and said he had been scared, and that he did not want me to get away. So we're a couple. It does make me uneasy...but time will tell. I am very fond of him and we have a lot in common, always have fun together, can talk forever... and the physical intimacy is through the roof.

[JohnnysGirl]

Is it so wrong to wish that your feelings are reciprocated? What if he doesn't care all that much, and that's the reason for his underwhelming romantic overtures. Maybe I'm a fill-in girlfriend of convenience.

I know I will NOT be the 1 to bring up facebook relationship status editing or 'the talk' about 'what is this' or about exclusivity. THAT much *must*, at least, come from him.

[Devaya]

LoveOhm and Zeta, I think you're prob right re the 'arrangement' with the guy I used to date (I wouldn't even call him an ex since we had barely got together before he ended it).Went to his party on Sat and it was a relief in a way to find I wasn't powerfully attracted to him, just felt fond and cuddly...

Butterflymom, I can completely understand wanting to check out where you stand. I wish I had some good advice; my own experience is that if it's not there in the beginning, it rarely is later (whatever 'ingredient' you need)... though other friends have told me differently about their boyfriends. Still, it's good to honour your own needs and if that's not being met, then perhaps consider moving on...

I've actually decided to take a step back from dating for an indefinite period as it's just been putting me in an unhealthy emotional s pace and taking me out of my centre. I think I'm finally starting to face the fact that my inability to form a successful happy relationship (although I've been in three long term relationships, none of them would I describe as healthy or good for me) is at least 50 % to do with ME, and my addictive nature around love and sex, and so I'm going to get some help with that. Big deep breaths. Scary, even scarier to face no exciting 'action' with guys for a possibly long time...but i know it's reached the point where I need to take a different tack, and hopefully in the long run be then able to finally create a healthy positive relationship. So it's bye from me on this thread for now...good luck to you all and I hope you find happiness in love

[JohnnysGirl]

Devaya, I wish you all the best! I'll miss having someone on this thread that is only a small time zone difference from me as opposed to the rest of the ladies who are in a drastically different one!

Cucumber cares. I know he does, & he shows it. His level/style of attention is constant & unfaltering. I just....don't feel confident that his feelings are as strong. He's kind of a closed book. He knows that, very aware of the issue. Very aware of the gap between my needs and his habits/style. He hopes I can sense how much he really likes me despite his mum & non-verbal communication. But... it just doesn't work very well for me. I feel alone with my smittenness, and feeling that it may be one sided (yeah he really really likes me but I'm suspicious that I'm headed for being deeeeeply in love while he may just stay here at 'liking me a bunch' & how does that possibly end up well for me??) makes my heart ache.

I know that after 3 months no one has any guarantees about getting hurt, etc. But I'd feel less like I'm taking foolish risks with my heart if he'd occasionally reassure me that he's getting progressively more attached to me in more than a FWB way... A few sweet words, a romantic gesture or attitude from time to time. I'm too insecure at the moment to enjoy this as I should be able to & want to be able to.

[doubledutch]

confession time.

after i ran into the very handsome old friend, i facebook'd him (like a day or two later) mostly saying it was nice running into him, plus a little brief, friendly chit-chat. no response. i also ran into another old friend i used to hang out with a lot, when we were both married. now we're both single. he gave me a hug, said he wanted to talk but was meeting another friend so had to run. so i emailed him and said (again, lol) that it was nice seeing him, and to call/email sometime if he wanted to get together and catch up. no. response.

i kept it strictly friendly in both cases, nothing dating-like BUT i will admit i'd be interested in dating either of those guys, in the future. sigh. i've known one of them for 7 years, the other for 9, so it's not like we're not really friends - we definitely are, plus i'm smart, funny and cute. therefore, i'm taking this as a message from the universe that not only am i not ready to date, i'm not even ready to hang out with a guy as friends. know why? because i'm not capable of not wishing for more. i would be totally wishing for them to *like* me, when right now, i just need to get to the point where *i* like me, and that needs to be enough.

[*MamaJen*]

Originally Posted by Devaya

I've actually decided to take a step back from dating for an indefinite period as it's just been putting me in an unhealthy emotional s pace and taking me out of my centre. I think I'm finally starting to face the fact that my inability to form a successful happy relationship (although I've been in three long term relationships, none of them would I describe as healthy or good for me) is at least 50 % to do with ME, and my addictive nature around love and sex, and so I'm going to get some help with that. Big deep breaths. Scary, even scarier to face no exciting 'action' with guys for a possibly long time...but i know it's reached the point where I need to take a different tack, and hopefully in the long run be then able to finally create a healthy positive relationship. So it's bye from me on this thread for now...good luck to you all and I hope you find happiness in love

Originally Posted by doubledutch

therefore, i'm taking this as a message from the universe that not only am i not ready to date, i'm not even ready to hang out with a guy as friends. know why? because i'm not capable of not wishing for more. i would be totally wishing for them to *like* me, when right now, i just need to get to the point where *i* like me, and that needs to be enough.

I think that you need to be in a healthy headspace before you can have a healthy relationship. I'm really glad I took a year off of dating to focus on personal growth. I thought I was ready before, but I was just repeating the same patterns.
One thing I'm trying to remember is that (at least for me) quickly feeling head over heels in love is a drop dead positive sign that the guy is an addict with some kind of personality disorder. It freaking never fails. It's like my inner recovering codie can just sniff out the wounded birds that will treat me like crap, and my dopamine receptors go haywire.
But I'm feeling good about the Incredibly Nice Guy. I don't feel super crushy or electric about him, which I'm taking as a positive sign. But I do feel really comfortable around him and I enjoy his company. I feel like he respects the person that I am, and I respect the person he is. And we finally got down to talking politics, and it was a fabulous time. I just want to take it slow and hang out with him a couple times a week and relax and enjoy each other's company, and let things go where they go.

[JohnnysGirl]

Just when I think we're only friends....


....he casually brings up in conversation the inquiry of whether I want to have more kids & admitted he'd been wondering lately of my standpoint of the issue.

Jaw dropped to the ground!!!

Short & casual conversation ensued, then we continued watching our movie.... Was really out of left field, but when asked about that he said his childhood friend and other guitarist in his band, whom he was rehearsing with all weekend, is having a baby any day now & that came up certainly in the conversations after rehearsal and so family life was on his mind.

Shocking- just when I thought I was his f buddy!

[JohnnysGirl]

[sugarmoon]

Originally Posted by Butterflymom

Right back at ya, Butterfly!

[Hollycrand]

Butterflymom,

any updates on your sweetie?

[JohnnysGirl]

Had the conversation again w/ Cucumber. He says he'll try but can't promise he's capable if telling me the things I want to hear. Not because he doesn't have the correct sentiment but because he feels that saying them out loud would feel awkward, sound silly, and be superfluous anyways since he wonders how I could imagine that he doesn't feel that way.

Well, I feel like chopped liver without the sentiments occasionally voiced.

What's wrong with me? Why can't I just bask in this? He's a major catch and he's got moral character of steel & he'd never play around with me and he seems invested in a long term thing with me. 3 ingredients I had nearly given up on finding. And he gives me butterflies & I feel so good in his loving embrace that I'd never want to leave it and he is willing to hold me as long as I need, whenever I need. He seems to care very much about me just as I am without trying to change a thing or even hinting that there could be anything to change about me. And here I am hounding him for compliments & mushy stuff to flow from his lips when that is just not a language he knows.

I'm crazy, right?

[LoveOhm]

I think you need to adjust your mindset Butterfly. Honestly many many men can TELL YOU that you are the moon and the stars but have nothing by way of actions to show it....

I'm not saying Cucumber is right or wrong but it seems like your own past baggage may be taking a toll on your current and perhaps your future relationship(s). I would spend some time on you. (I am doing the same.) Honestly men and poor relationships can really mess with a person's mind and sometimes you cannot see the damage or truly feel the hurt ---- for me I did not notice alot until I started dating in a healthy relationship.

And while you are reflecting on you, still enjoy Cucumber.... that can still grow.

Hugs.

[JohnnysGirl]

Texted Cucumber today:

"Drowning in guilt from how hard I've been on you. It's not your fault that I'm scared to let you in & care about you, & scared to trust that someone may actually care about me & my life beyond temporary fun-in-the-moment. I guess I just haven't been sure if we're just friends or what and honestly I think most of my insecurity will go away naturally, as time goes by. It's not your job to do anything differently. You've been amazing."

I am going to let it go & trust in him without any ego-stroking reassuring words. His actions speak loud enough.

[Oh the Irony]

I'm a bit on the fence about this one Butterfly.

On the one hand, if words of affirmation is one of your love languages, which it certainly sounds like it is, then having that adds SO much to the relationship.

On the other, I agree that actions speak louder, and are more important, than words.

So if your need for words is insecurity driven then yeah, see if you can get over it.

If it is really how you feel loved, then this guy might never do it for you...and you have the right, and deserve to be loved and feel that love in a way that is tangible to you.

You might be able to work through it but if it is so foreign to him then you may have to meet in the middle somewhere.

[JohnnysGirl]

I just don't know....

What if it's insecurity AND how love feels tangible to me? I think it might be both....