Pregnant and feeling....like *only* children have it better...and sad about it

[momtoS]

Okay...I have two children, because I really wanted dd1 to have a sibling. Due to horrible pgs etc, we were done.....but then surprise. We are expecting number three.

I have had a few meltdowns this pregnancy...feeling overwhelmed etc.

The other night I brought both girls to swimming lessons. dd1 was telling me of a classmate that can swim in the deep end of the pool, I ran into a mom with an only child and he swims in the big pool.

I know a few moms with only child, they swim, dance, speak different languages, go on get international trips, etc etc.

Then I thought....I will have three...I definitely don't deprive them, they both get swimming lessons and dd1 picked ringette and dd2 is in music.

But..I was thinking .if I only have one child to focus on...they really get the best of everything.

I am just feeling sad and overwhelmed that I am will not be able to give three what they really deserve.

[happyhats]

I wish I had more of an answer for you but I'm just now pregnant with number two and unsure how I'll juggle it all! On the bright side, I was the second born of three girls and I don't believe I was deprived at all due to having siblings. In fact most of my fondest memories or of them. Also, I now have a stronger support group now that I am grown- I know that's not guaranteed but it's very often there. I also have someone to help me when my parents get older and need care, which is a bonus.

[Smithie]

My son (the eldest of three) had this to say: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lPYdI58ffgo

Nothing I have ever done for that kid has brought him more joy and more developmental benefits than he's gotten from his relationship with his little sisters. Don't feel guilty for one second, mama!!!

[~Demeter~]

I was an only child... and my life was definitely NOT like that. Not for lack of funds, either. I'm not able to put all of my babes in programs like that but I don't feel overly guilty for it at all. They have each other, something I will never have.. the relationship between my kids is amazing (fights and all). I would trade the material perks of being an only any day to have grown up in a house full of siblings.

[Tjej]

I think the key is to think about what your kids GET from having siblings and not what they miss out on.

Personally, I'm not the firstborn and I'm glad I exist, so consider your second and third children existing as benefits!

Tjej

[EdnaMarie]

But..I was thinking .if I only have one child to focus on...they really get the best of everything

You forget that they don't get their siblings. If I could have not gone to college, but have my sister (with whom I fought tooth and nail for about 16 straight years), I would do it. I would give up anything for her.

Also, a fascinating, fascinating graph (no offense, onlies) is from What's Going on in There? It shows child-spacing and the resulting IQs of the children. The lowest IQs go to twins, and then onlies score around the same as the second or third children!

Yep. All that attention their parents pay them is only just making up for the fact that they don't have constant tapes of rhymes and improv going on all the time.

I think siblings provide an entire universe worth of stimulation.

Now, this is not to knock onlies. There are reasons to have only one child. My beloved sister and her husband wanted one and have one. The end. He's brilliant and beautiful, of course. But I don't think my kids have it worse off than he does.

True, we can't fly to South America with two kids (and definitely not with a third). But if you have a minivan and a tent, you can visit most of North America on a budget vacation and see some of the most amazing sights in the world, and when they're older, they can pay for their own trips abroad.

Plus, think of adulthood. When you're old, they'll have each other. That means so much. Whom does an only write on her will, in case she's incapacitated? Who takes her kids?

[prothyraia]

Your children really deserve a warm, loving family (with siblings or without).

All the other stuff is great, but most people throughout most of history have gone on to live happy, fulfilled lives without it.

Not that you can reason with pregnancy hormones, though

[cjam]

There are pros and cons to every number, spacing and configuration of children. Figure out what the pros are for your particular situation and focus on that.

[4Blessings]

I've never looked at one of my four children and thought, "I wish you weren't here so your sister could take dance class!"

That just seems like such an odd thing to worry about.

Sure, at times it might seem like life might be a bit easier with just one but you don't have just one. You have to make the best with what you do have and stop comparing your family to anyone else.

[kittywitty]

Well, OP, that's not true. Sure, maybe for some families as all are very different. For me, at least, it is not true. I was the only child for 8+ years and I don't know anyone who is an only (IRL) who didn't wish for siblings. I can't imagine wishing some of my children were gone so that I only had one to...take more dance or whatever. Only children do not automatically get "the best of everything" by any means.

[phathui5]

My dh was an only child and he didn't have any of those extras that you mentioned. I had siblings and had lots of educational enrichment things because it was something that my mom valued.

We have four children and they do get to do a lot. Swim lessons, sports, summer camp, family vacations to the Outer Banks, learning Spanish and Latin, etc. Those are things that we value and we are lucky to be able to afford it, so we work them into our schedule.

[momtoS]

Thanks for the replies everyone! I have about one freak out a week...last week it was all about car seats. This week....about neglecting my children.

I appreciate everything you all said. Thanks

[madskye]

I have one...it is very nice in many ways and I don't want another child...but right before I read this I was feeling guilty because DD is next door playing with her friend who has 3 siblings. I wish we had that stimulation and ready made playmates right here at home. But...her mom tells me they like having DD their youngest is a too young to really play with the three older kids. So even though they have 4, they are in the same boat with thier youngest.

Nothings perfect, you do the best with "the hand you are dealt" and you just have to appreciate all the good things about each unique situation.

[carmel23]

I am glad that my kids have each other, and their relationships are worth all the stuff in the world. How sad to think that one would deprive a child the joy of a sibling just to have more stuff. You are really giving your kids the best gift in the world!

I am glad for all that my kids learn from each other, how to help another, all the real negotiating that goes on is really probably more worthwhile then all the swimming lessons, etc. It is a journey, not a race!

Mama, I'm not trying to be harsh to hurt you, but to reassure you! Please separate your own anxiety of the unexpected pregnancy and feelings of being overwhelmed, and the hormones -- please separate that from your kids experience. I know how that is, I really do.

Sometimes I am overwhelmed and get a "grass is always greener" mentality about it all. But then I see them playing and planning together, and my heart is reassured.

[mbhf]

I have five now and I do sometimes think back and wish that *I* could give each of my children what I was able to give them when I just had one or two or three or even four. Specifically, I remember living at the beach when my third was a baby and taking my boys to the beach by myself every evening. We always had such a great time and I always felt very comfortable with it. Now, with all five and the personlity of my third, I can't imagine it. Someone would surely die. My dh works a lot and is currently deployed so there are things I would love to do with my kids that I just don't feel safe/comfortable doing at this point and it does make me sad sometimes. But the happiness they get from *each other* outweighs any negatives, I think. My kids adore each other. My oldest is absolutely thrilled to death to be the biggest brother to four. My kids are all just under 2 years apart and they are good friends with their closest siblings.

[luvmybaby333]

I was an only child. I didn't get to do those things you mentioned. We traveled a lot... but it wasn't in a vacation sort of sense. My mom uprooted me and moved from place to place following a couple of her girlfriends. Likely she felt free enough to do this because there was only one child to think of. But it certainly wasn't for my enrichment. Due to lack of funds, I wasn't able to have any of those other opportunities. My mom was also pretty "hands off". Just because there was only one of me, doesn't mean that she spent all her free time playing with me or teaching me things. I spent much of my childhood lonely. Would siblings have helped? Perhaps. There's no guarantee, though. I did get step-siblings for a couple years. That was nice... but it made me realize that sibling-hood wasn't all fun and games.

In the end I was grateful for the way I'd been raised. It wasn't perfect, but it was MY life... and it made me who I am. However, about 5 years ago my mom was killed in an accident. I was 20. There went my entire life. Every bit of my history died with her. She was the only constant witness to my childhood and all my life experiences. When she was gone, I was left to sort through everything (my thoughts, sorrows, stress) alone. It was devastating. I think the only thing that kept me going was the fact that I had a small child of my own to care for.

I'd previously been on the fence about having another. I was single anyway... so that helped to prolong the decision. But I just wasn't sure which way I wanted to go in the future. After I lost my mom, my decision was made. I would not feel comfortable leaving my daughter alone. I wanted to provide her with the bond that siblings bring... with the shared experiences and support that having another child could provide. There's no guarantee that they will grow up and have each other to lean on. I'm aware that not all siblings enjoy each other's company. But by having another kid, I was giving her that chance. The chance to have a great relationship with her sibling. The chance to have someone to lean on when she one day would lose me.

I don't know if that helps you at all. probably not. LOL. But I figured that I'd share anyway. You may not be able to focus all of your attention on every child you have. But they will have each other to make up for it. There are so many things they can and will teach each other. I think that's a mighty fine trade off.

[LynnS6]

Those pregnancy hormones really can throw you for a loop!

The truth is: There's no one perfect sized family, and not everyone is going to get everything they want, no matter the size of the family. We've got 2 kids. I wanted 3, but realized 2 is the number that's best for us. A friend of mine has an only. Her child does get to do 'more' because she's an only. Guess what her daughter wants more than anything? A sibling!

[Storm Bride]

Kids can have some things, because they're onlies...and kids can have some things, only if they have siblings.

DS1 was 10 before I had dd1. He was an only for a long time. We didn't have much money, and there were a lot of problems on the home front (his dad and I split up when he was 7). But, he got a level of attention from me that I can't even imagine giving to any of the others.

However, possibly the happiest I've ever seen him - ever - is the day he came to see me in the hospital and held his baby sister for the first time. He wanted a sibling so bad, and it took me so long to give him one. DD1 was the nicest thing I ever did for ds1. And, despite the fact that dd1 and ds2 are totally different personalities, and they drive each other crazy a lot, I don't think either of them would want to lose their siblings, either. And, everyone in the family adores dd2 to a degree I can't even describe.

Families are about give and take. The give and take is more complicated with more people...but that's not a bad thing. I do know that ds1 always wanted siblings, and my bff (an only) always wanted siblings...and I never once wanted to be an only. I loved having siblings, even when we fought.

[ShanaV]

I'm a lonely child and I always wanted a sibling. I had an imaginary twin sister. I always longed for a bond like that with someone. My childhood had "stuff" in it, like classes and travel (albeit my mom was a flight attendant, so we got to fly for free or almost free), but I had a boring-ass family. No lively brothers, sisters and all of our friends coming and going. It was a lonely existence. I want at least 4 kids, in part to fill this hole. My kids will have no aunts or uncles on my side of the family, that makes me sad. And only one aunt on dh's side. Pp's are right, family MORE than makes up for other "stuff" and "busy-ness."

[MusicianDad]

My brother is one of my best friends. We didn't always get along, but there is a special connection that can form between siblings that is much deeper than you find between friends. My brother and I both have our specialties. Not because we had no siblings to compete with, but because we had parents that let us pursue the things we loved to do.

My parents told me once, that when I was little and my brother was less than a year old any time I found something that fascinated me I insisted on showing my brother first. Even if it meant I had to hunt down a grown up to hold him up where he could see it. I do remember one point, when he was a little older, showing him how to pick up a beetle without hurting it.