Allergy behavior reactions and Dh

[beadmama]

When Dd (2.5yo) reacts it is usually a huge behavior change. This latest reaction is peaking today so it is at its highest and judging the rash it is either gluten or soy. I still have not figured out the rash types and this time she had both types for her so it is probably both.

This morning Dh was hugging her good bye and she either head butted him or bit him, I did not see the actual encounter. This was not out of anger or anything and is not her normal self. That does not make it okay for her to do but I feel like I am justifying the behavior by saying it is her reacting. He was leaving for work and after this happened he was angry with her and I heard him mutter "I don't want to play with you when you are like this anyways". She did not hear this as she had already left the room. It makes me upset and I am not sure how to approach him about this. He has a very low patience tolerance and has now started to roll his eyes and write me off when I mention that it is the reaction and not her.

I am certainly not perfect when it comes to her reactions but I have a longer tolerance and on days like today I either turn on the TV or go to the park for a couple of hours and play it out of her. I work from home so it can be doubly challenging and I lose it sometimes but I always apologize to her if I raise my voice or get angry with her. My mom also takes her a couple of days so I get a break and if it is a really bad day I know I can give her a call.

I am not sure exactly what I am asking but I could really use some advice both on talking to Dh and on Dds behavior while reacting. I don't like disciplining, that's not the right word but I don't know what else to call it, during major reactions but she needs to know that the behavior is not okay.

Terrible to say but it is a good thing that Dh works 6 days a week and usually has projects around the house in the evening so I don't have to be the referee between the two.

Help!

[JaneS]

I totally feel for you!!!

And I have been primary caregiver for DS so I've been the only one to make the connections between physical reactions and food. If a parent doesn't do this day in and day out they just don't get it.

Also, if your DD is having issues, there is a big possibility your that DH is as well. He will not accept this, he may resent you for even bringing it up. But the many years I've been doing this (uncovering food allergies, food chemical intolerances and nutrient deficiencies and other health issues effecting same) and seeing the enormous changes in myself and DS ... and hearing other parent stories that are similar... this is probably a given. It is very hard on family life to have everyone be in some degree of suffering whether it is physical or emotional. I am now getting divorced in large part because of the food allergies and all the related stresses to our life.

I would talk to your DH privately and when you are both relaxed and in a good mood. Talk about what can you both do to help your DD. Share about how difficult it is for you, what you think you've observed about your DD and listen to his side of it.

There are a LOT of us mamas here in Allergies which go through this same thing on a daily basis with our kiddos. It gets a lot easier as they get older, at least it did for me. Not only b/c the reactions got less, and the dietary triggers were removed... but also I got clued in more what exactly would effect DS.

I knew better when to be patient and when to be more hard line as far as guiding his behavior goes. What worked for us is me removing him quickly from the situation and distracting him. Then later talking to him about it, he just a kid that likes explanations. Another kid might not.

I also knew which days not to stress him out with things like taking him on errands when I knew he would be tired or cranky. I would build in large parts of the day for him to relax like thinking up a project to build with Legos or blocks, or drawing/coloring or read tons of books to him before bed.

There's been times where I literally changed the time on the digital kitchen clock because he's known about time since he was 3 to get him upstairs earlier and lay in bed with him reading tons of books so he could just be still for a long while and have a fighting chance at getting to sleep at a reasonable hour.

And yes, sometimes only turning on the TV helped! He would have these moments when he was 2 or 3 where he would be so hungry (low blood sugar) he would completely be wigging out, but he wouldn't eat! That was a freaking nightmare and the TV was the only solution.

He has always been amazing at special gatherings/parties/events regardless of his mood b/c he is such an extrovert. But again, another child might not. Those kinds of things might be a stress for them if they happen to be going through a reaction at the time.

Sometimes just getting out of the house into nature or seeing friends would turn him around so fast, but I knew he had a limited time and I really needed to watch his threshold. And make sure I had LOTS of snacks. Hungry AND tired at same time was like a ticking time bomb.

[kjbrown92]

My DS is 10 but we've been dealing with this for a while. With him, for his major behavioral reactions he gets a rash on his lip, so it's sort of a warning that if he's got the rash on his lip, he's got no patience and is prone to tears and tantrums. He knows it, we all know it. That being said, it's still not okay to have certain behaviors. So he gets a time out if he needs it. It's still not okay for him to yell at me or stomp his feet, for example. Because his behavior is usually more than normal, he goes and lays on his bed for his time out, instead of being in the corner, which is a normal infraction for any of the kids as a timeout. After he's had time to chill out, I talk to him and explain that even though we know he's reacting to something, he has to try doubly hard NOT to react behavior wise. Now, with a 2.5yo, I'm not sure how much of that will work, though you can still tell her that every time, and eventually it will sink in.

For us, to truncate/lessen a reaction, we will do Bentonite clay (1 Tbs. clay to 4 oz. water is the dose on the bottle, and that's what I do). It usually helps clear it out of his system faster.

When she isn't reacting, can you talk to DH and tell him to try to have a little more patience when he knows that she is reacting (and if there's a rash to accompany it, it makes it a little more obvious, depending where the rash is!)? Or have a plan for when she is reacting?

[mamafish9]

I think it's unrealistic for a 2.5 year old to have much control over her reaction behaviors, honestly. For an older child, yes. But 2.5 year olds are just beginning to control their behaviors under good conditions! So for that age, I just redirect and tolerate.

Does your DH have behaviors he has trouble controlling? My example to DH (who can't concentrate well with external distractions) was expecting him to focus on answering emails during our daughter's birthday party - that's pretty much what's going on in my son's insides when he's reacting. Our job is to try to keep him safe, and get very diligent about keeping him away from foods that cause him to react.

Or give him (DH) 6 cups of coffee and then ask him to sit still . Or to be patient the whole evening no matter how much he's screaming on the inside after a hard day at work.