3 year old freaks out when called anything but her name

[jenfl]

A few months ago, DD started getting upset if we called her "sweetie" or "kiddo" or anything other than her name. We figured we'd respect that choice and, although things were rough for a while (we had to break the habit of using nicknames; it took a while to get her reaction level down from screaming-breakdown to slightly-put-out when we forgot), things are pretty good within the family. We almost always use her name, and she almost always calmly reminds us when we don't.

But.... when we go out....

Of course the cashier at grocery store doesn't know her name. Of course they're going to call her "honey" or "sweetie". And don't even get me started on visiting Disney World and everyone calling her the one she hates -- "princess".

She completely melts down. "I'm not a sweetie! " We've made a very little bit of progress -- changed it to "I'm not a sweetie, I'm [her name]! ". And a very few times, when she's in a good mood and with a lot of coaching, we've gotten her to react relatively calmly and correct them with her name.

It's slow, slow progress. I feel like we're making some headway, but it's a struggle. On the other hand, she's just 3, and is really well behaved in so many respects.

I'm wondering if I need to find a different approach to change this behavior (not that I have any idea what that might be) or if this is something that's just her being 3 and that we need to just calmly, slowly, continue to work through.

(I guess I'm posting today, specifically, because she went out with her grandparents for the afternoon and had a breakdown at being called "honey" by a salesperson. Her grandparents got a little upset with her, apparently, and now DD is in a bit of a melt-down (not a surprise, after a busy and hot afternoon out). DH and I are used to dealing with the situation and averting a total breakdown, but my parents aren't and I wish they hadn't had to.)

[HappyMommy2]

I think I remember mine going through that stage. I explained that it was a term of endearment, but if she preferred her name, we would stick to that.

What does your dd say when you explain the the cashier means no harm, and doesn't know her name? Would she be open to you teaching her to let some things roll off her back? I find myself saying something like, "ok, let's move on.".

You and dad are fullfilling her needs and desires. I would then make sure not to promote the tantrums as ok in other social situations. Easier said than done, I know! But I am sure you will know the best way to help your daughter through it!

[dahlialia]

Ouch mama, I feel for you.

My DD at 3 would freak if anyone else (strangers) helped her. Ex. she knocked her chair down in a restaurant accidentally, and a sweet woman lifted it back up for her. She screamed and threw the chair down on the floor again. She did this over so many things.

Basically, we did a lot of talking/explaining before we went out, and tried to limit when we were out to when she was not tired/hungry/otherwise stressed. But mostly I think it was something she grew out of, rather than us fixing it.

[kindchen]

I have a three-year-old DD who freaks out about random things that don't seem at all worth it. There is something "typically three" about the freaking out, I think.

Does your DD like going to the store? Mine does, so if she freaks out about something in the store, I explain that I can't bring her with me if she can't keep it together. There were months at a time when she didn't really go to the store (not just because of her--I also have a younger DD, and taking them both was too much for me). Anyway, at our house unnecessary public outings are a privilege afforded to children who don't carry on and tantrum. I frame it as, "it is too hard for me to take you if you do that. I only have the energy to take kids who will cooperate with me."

That hasn't eliminated the melt-downs, but I do think it helps her at least *try* to stop herself before she starts into the downward spiral.

[kcparker]

I'm taking a developmental psych. class, and my textbook actually refers to this developmental stage as the "just right" phase. Kids this age get really fixated on certain types of order or routines and are not into being flexible. Hence the insistence on being called only by one's proper name, never letting foods touch each other on their plates, refusing to wear any colors except green and blue, or having a fit if they are given a green apple instead of a red one. It's sort of the flip side of their impulsivity and lack of self-control, which is why she isn't good at modulating her response to being called "honey." Not that this gives you a solution, but it is an assurance that it's normal, and it should dissipate as she gets older. Remember, their little brains are still myelinating and getting neural pathways hooked up. You could always get one of those custom Hello My Name Is t-shirts made up for her.

[StrongBeliever]

My just-turned-three daughter is doing the EXACT same thing. "I'm not queen bean, I'm (insert name)!!!" In our case, I'm pretty sure it is a stress thing. We're in moving limbo and staying with the in-laws who up until now she didn't see much. Like she ought to be able to expect consistency and has a mini-meltdown when she doesn't get it. I think it's also just part of being three... Learning how to communicate, coping with "big kid" responsibilities like picking up toys and going potty on the toilet, starting to understand what the wider world of interaction is about. I have always felt the "terrible twos" label was slapped on a year early... In my experience it has always been the third year that seems to be tougher on everyone.

I don't think it it behavior that I would try to change. It's not too much to ask that she be called her name... If it gives her a little bit of control, why not? On a bigger level, if somebody says "cutie pie" at the grocery store and she flips out? Well, that is just part of learning to express yourself when your a three ear old new to the communicating thing. I'm sure it's one of those things that in time will pass. It's too bad your parents are miffed about it... Maybe it would help them to point out they are railing over something as little as a small child railing over something as little as a wrong name? It's self-expression, and she sure hasn't had a whole lot of time to figure it all out yet. As for people out and about? Well... They can deal.