or Connect
Mothering › Mothering Forums › Mom › Parenting › Single Parenting › don't know who the father is
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:

don't know who the father is

post #1 of 57
Thread Starter 
please, no flaming or judgement. i know how messed up the situation is and what mistakes i made and don't need anymore reminders of it.

i was in a very unstable place financially and so i was having sex with someone (who well call guy #1) for money. it happened three or four times over two or three months. the last time it happened the condom fell off inside me (sorry if its tmi). during that time i had just started seeing someone (we'll call him guy #2) but it wasnt officially exclusive so i didnt tell him about the other guy. when the condom fell off with guy #1 i wasnt too worried bc several months before that my ex and i had tried for a baby for several months and didnt conceive but i did use a lemon juice and vitamin c powder mixture inside my vagina to help just in case. that was in the afternoon. late that night i was out with guy #2 and late night / early morning we had sex unprotected several times. so when i got pregnant i thought it was guy #2s, almost positive. #2 was closer to ovulation, #1 was with a condom and even tho it fell off it was still one with spermicide, and i had a lot more sex with #2 and also with #1 i was on top but on bottom with #2. now im halfway through my pregnancy and starting to worry about who the dad is. #2 has no idea that im not sure.

the problem is i havent seen #1 since that last time. i only have his phone number and his first name. my plan is to set up another 'meeting' and write down his lisence plate number and see if i can find a paper in his car with his address or full name or something and take that. that way i can get child support if it comes down to it. i dont want to tell him im pregnant until i find out for sure its not #2s. im a little worried that how we met and got pregnant would come out but then again it looks bad on both of us so i dont think hed want it out.

i just wanted to get this out. it hasnt stressed me too mcuh i think bc im blocking it out for the most part since i cant find out who the dad is until the baby is born. #2 and i dont get along anymore..he turned out to not be the good guy i thought he was go figure. so its not like im losing an involved dad or anything bc he doesnt plan to be but im scared about finding out that its not his and having ppl know that and that possibility is just now hitting me even tho i know its more likely that #2 is the dad than #1. thanks for listening.
post #2 of 57
Do the two men look alike or completely different? I'm wondering if you would be able to tell just by who the baby resembles.... that would save the embarrassment of asking one to take a paternity test.

Sounds like a tough situation, mama. Go easy on yourself!
post #3 of 57
bummer. I don't blame you for wanting to a way to get a hold of guy #1 just in case. Maybe you can be honest with guy #1 about the whole situation? The relationship with him was fairly honest and financial in nature. It seems easy to approach that for what it is, "You were there, you know what happened, I'm pregnant, I'm going to need you take a paternity test." I imagine no one wants the authorities involved, so it seems like it would be in his interests to cooperate, no?
post #4 of 57
or you could just not. not test. not care. tell the birth cert people you just dont know. tell them it was a one night stand and you didnt even know their names. yeah you will get no child support. you also get no daddy drama. pick your poison. what will be better for your child?

by the way, this wont be a popular thing... what i just said. just offering the other side.

eta... just realized this was posted in single parenting. came in from new posts.
post #5 of 57
Quote:
Originally Posted by LionessMom View Post
or you could just not. not test. not care. tell the birth cert people you just dont know. tell them it was a one night stand and you didnt even know their names. yeah you will get no child support. you also get no daddy drama. pick your poison. what will be better for your child?

by the way, this wont be a popular thing... what i just said. just offering the other side.

eta... just realized this was posted in single parenting. came in from new posts.
I agree with the bolded bit above; which works better for you and your child, not necessarily from a financial perspective? I still have days when I wish I'd never told my son's father and we were involved in a long relationship. The money you MIGHT get will not be worth the drama you WILL get.

For reference, I think that all parents have an obligation to their children and a right to know they have a child. Sometimes reality doesn't match up to the ideal.
post #6 of 57
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by HappyMommy2 View Post
Do the two men look alike or completely different? I'm wondering if you would be able to tell just by who the baby resembles.... that would save the embarrassment of asking one to take a paternity test.

Sounds like a tough situation, mama. Go easy on yourself!
different. one has blond hair and brown eyes, the other is opposite. if the baby comes out with blond hair and or brown eyes then ill be pretty sure its #2s baby but i do know that that stuff can come from recessive genes so its no guarantee.
post #7 of 57
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Banana731 View Post
bummer. I don't blame you for wanting to a way to get a hold of guy #1 just in case. Maybe you can be honest with guy #1 about the whole situation? The relationship with him was fairly honest and financial in nature. It seems easy to approach that for what it is, "You were there, you know what happened, I'm pregnant, I'm going to need you take a paternity test." I imagine no one wants the authorities involved, so it seems like it would be in his interests to cooperate, no?
thats what ill do if it turns out that #2 isnt the dad but i really dont want to tell him if i dont have to. i dont know if he would want to be involved which scares me bc i kinda hope that if he is the dad he wont want to be involved.
post #8 of 57
Quote:
Originally Posted by mama2be83 View Post
different. one has blond hair and brown eyes, the other is opposite. if the baby comes out with blond hair and or brown eyes then ill be pretty sure its #2s baby but i do know that that stuff can come from recessive genes so its no guarantee.
adults with brown hair often have blond hair as children.

any child with brown eyes has one parent with brown eyes. two blue eyed parents can't have a child with brown eyes because brown is dominant, not recessive.

babies eye color is not usually set until a year or later.

i wouldn't bet on being able to tell who the father is based on looks.

eta- sorry for forum crashing, i thought this was in PaP
post #9 of 57
Quote:
Originally Posted by mama2be83 View Post
different. one has blond hair and brown eyes, the other is opposite. if the baby comes out with blond hair and or brown eyes then ill be pretty sure its #2s baby but i do know that that stuff can come from recessive genes so its no guarantee.
Except that brown eyed babies are born with blue eyes, and most babies hair that they are born with isn't really their true hair color. DD2 was born with jet black hair, and now it's light blond.
I think the poster of the question was wondering if the differences were of caucasian vs. asian in nature, etc., not just caucasian differences as you seemed to have mentioned.
Good luck.... no real advice but some of the other posters here have given you some good advice.
~maddymama
post #10 of 57
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by LionessMom View Post
or you could just not. not test. not care. tell the birth cert people you just dont know. tell them it was a one night stand and you didnt even know their names. yeah you will get no child support. you also get no daddy drama. pick your poison. what will be better for your child?

by the way, this wont be a popular thing... what i just said. just offering the other side.

eta... just realized this was posted in single parenting. came in from new posts.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Minxie View Post
I agree with the bolded bit above; which works better for you and your child, not necessarily from a financial perspective? I still have days when I wish I'd never told my son's father and we were involved in a long relationship. The money you MIGHT get will not be worth the drama you WILL get.

For reference, I think that all parents have an obligation to their children and a right to know they have a child. Sometimes reality doesn't match up to the ideal.
#2 already knows im pregnant and has already said he wants a paternity test even tho hes admitted hes sure its his bc he doesnt know about #1. unless baby comes out looking exactly like #1 and nothing like #2 then ill do the test bc itll be really suspicious if i just disappear ya know?

maybe if it does look like its #1s baby or if we test #2 and he turns out not to be the dad ill talk to #1 and see how he responds. if it looks to be too dramatic and scary i can just not talk to him again. hes talked to me before about how he has a friend living with him bc his friend cant afford rent bc hes getting so much taken out in child support and he said he thinks kids need child support but this one guy cant even live off of whats left. one of those convos where you just smile and nod even if you disagree at all. maybe if it is #1s he would be willing to just give me support regularly under the table to keep it going from court and in return not be involved.

on the other hand maybe i could talk to #1 and let him know and propose the under the table support but no involvement thing before babys even here to see what he says. he doesnt have any info on me besides my phone number so its not like he can track me down and take me to court for custody.

i hate not wanting #1 to be involved if he is the dad but really how do you explain that to a kid? it was a terrible decision in the first place and if it is his kid i dont want my kid knowing that his dad was just a 'john' ya know?
post #11 of 57
Hi. Sorry to hear what you are going through!!! I was a single parent for years so I hope I can offer you something. The first 2 days after a baby is born it resembles the father very much and after that takes on its own looks. The nurses at the hospital told me that. With my ex I WISH I had NEVER told him I got pregnant. He left me, didn't care, denied everything. Took him to court for child support, still don't get it! He threatened to go for custody luckily it went nowhere, but be prepared for that! I can't tell you what to do but look into everything and good luck!
post #12 of 57
Thread Starter 
PlayaMama and maddymama-

thats what i was thinking. theyre both caucasion like me so no luck with skin color or anything.
post #13 of 57
In your situation I would stick with the truth, which is that you don't know, and I wouldn't voluntarily involve either person. Work on yourself and start a clean slate with the family circle as you and your child.
post #14 of 57
Quote:
maybe if it is #1s he would be willing to just give me support regularly under the table to keep it going from court and in return not be involved.
That sounds like blackmail. I know that's probably not how you mean it, but that's what it comes off as. I would be really cautious. This guy could try to get custody, if he told the police your mobile number and your name THEY could probably find you. Not if he told them the truth, but if he lied and made it sound like a seriously risky situation they could find you and take your kid off you.

If i were in your situation i would concentrate on the baby, forget the men.
post #15 of 57
I think in your situation, I would see if the baby is #2's, since he already knows you're pregnant. If it's his, then you can deal with it.

If it's not #2's, then I would leave it at that. I would NOT be contacting a man you slept with for money to act as the father of your child. I'm not knocking what you did, hey, we all do things we feel we have to do. But I would not go after him for child support, under the table or not. I would not involve him at all in your life, and if he magically found out you were pregnant, I'd tell him it couldn't possibly be his, the timing was off, whatever. Not his kid, period. I'm sorry if that's not what you want to hear but that's what I would do, gut instinct. Plus how would you explain to your child (or have HIM explain to your child) how you and daddy met? If it were a relationship or even maybe a one-night stand that was based on passion or whatever, that's different, but a strictly financial exchange... I just don't see what kind of good can come out of that. Maybe a little bit of money here and there. But with possible lawyer costs and all the other "daddy drama" mentioned - it might just be worse for you in the end, even financially speaking.

ETA: Yes, all children "deserve" fathers but not all children have them in their lives, and many turn out just peachy keen. So, there goes that guilt. No father is better than a bad father, sometimes, ykwim? And you may meet someone in the future who is willing to step up to the father's role without being the biological father. That's not ruled out either. So don't feel like "oh my child won't have a father and will suffer" - that shouldn't be affecting your decisions right now.
post #16 of 57
Quote:
Originally Posted by GoBecGo View Post
That sounds like blackmail. I know that's probably not how you mean it, but that's what it comes off as. I would be really cautious. This guy could try to get custody, if he told the police your mobile number and your name THEY could probably find you. Not if he told them the truth, but if he lied and made it sound like a seriously risky situation they could find you and take your kid off you.

If i were in your situation i would concentrate on the baby, forget the men.
That.
post #17 of 57
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by GoBecGo View Post
This guy could try to get custody, if he told the police your mobile number and your name THEY could probably find you. Not if he told them the truth, but if he lied and made it sound like a seriously risky situation they could find you and take your kid off you.
i didnt even think of that. thats a really good point.
post #18 of 57
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by candycat View Post
I think in your situation, I would see if the baby is #2's, since he already knows you're pregnant. If it's his, then you can deal with it.

If it's not #2's, then I would leave it at that. I would NOT be contacting a man you slept with for money to act as the father of your child. I'm not knocking what you did, hey, we all do things we feel we have to do. But I would not go after him for child support, under the table or not. I would not involve him at all in your life, and if he magically found out you were pregnant, I'd tell him it couldn't possibly be his, the timing was off, whatever. Not his kid, period. I'm sorry if that's not what you want to hear but that's what I would do, gut instinct. Plus how would you explain to your child (or have HIM explain to your child) how you and daddy met? If it were a relationship or even maybe a one-night stand that was based on passion or whatever, that's different, but a strictly financial exchange... I just don't see what kind of good can come out of that. Maybe a little bit of money here and there. But with possible lawyer costs and all the other "daddy drama" mentioned - it might just be worse for you in the end, even financially speaking.

ETA: Yes, all children "deserve" fathers but not all children have them in their lives, and many turn out just peachy keen. So, there goes that guilt. No father is better than a bad father, sometimes, ykwim? And you may meet someone in the future who is willing to step up to the father's role without being the biological father. That's not ruled out either. So don't feel like "oh my child won't have a father and will suffer" - that shouldn't be affecting your decisions right now.
yea im more worried about drama and bad things for the baby than i am about a dad being involved. if its #1s then i dont want him involved bc of that. it may sound selfish but it really scares me what my kid could go through bc of it. id rather no dad than have to face some really scary stuff with him.
post #19 of 57
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by PlayaMama View Post
any child with brown eyes has one parent with brown eyes. two blue eyed parents can't have a child with brown eyes because brown is dominant, not recessive.
so i guess if the baby is born with brown eyes then ill know for sure bc i have blue eyes. otherwise its anyones guess. so..heres to hoping for brown eyes at birth!
post #20 of 57
Quote:
Originally Posted by PlayaMama View Post
a

any child with brown eyes has one parent with brown eyes. two blue eyed parents can't have a child with brown eyes because brown is dominant, not recessive.
This isn't actually entirely true. Genetics when it comes to eye color is a lot more complicated that a recessive blue vs a dominant brown. It is entirely possible for two blue eyed parents to produce brown eyed off spring, though it isn't common. It happened in my family - my mom and her first husband both have blue eyes, but my brother has brown eyes. There's not a doubt about his paternity.
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:
  Return Home
  Back to Forum: Single Parenting
Mothering › Mothering Forums › Mom › Parenting › Single Parenting › don't know who the father is