don't know who the father is - Page 2

[vbactivist]

Originally Posted by eclipse

This isn't actually entirely true. Genetics when it comes to eye color is a lot more complicated that a recessive blue vs a dominant brown. It is entirely possible for two blue eyed parents to produce brown eyed off spring, though it isn't common. It happened in my family - my mom and her first husband both have blue eyes, but my brother has brown eyes. There's not a doubt about his paternity.

this is exactly right. I had a long talk about this with a geneticist. Also, I have seen newborns with brown eyes. I think a paternity test is the only way to know for certain.

[vbactivist]

OP - I think your best option might be to put the baby up for adoption and stay away from men for awhile. It seems as if you still need to work some things out in your personal and financial life. Good luck!

[corysmilk]

the baby could look like you. then you'll never know without a test

[PlayaMama]

Originally Posted by mama2be83

so i guess if the baby is born with brown eyes then ill know for sure bc i have blue eyes. otherwise its anyones guess. so..heres to hoping for brown eyes at birth!

not quite. the brown eyed father could have recessive genes for blue eyes and the baby could have blue eyes.

my ds's eyes are hazel and they were a dark grey color that could have been blue or brown until he was 1-1/2.

[eclipse]

Originally Posted by vbactivist

OP - I think your best option might be to put the baby up for adoption and stay away from men for awhile. It seems as if you still need to work some things out in your personal and financial life. Good luck!

I think it's rude to tell someone to put their baby up for adoption. Aside from that, most of the time both parents (rightly) are required to sign off on it - so she'd probably need paternity tests anyway. Not doing it the "right way" could risk a baby's place in their new family, should the father come back and be angry that he didn't have the chance to gain custody of his child.

[PlayaMama]

Originally Posted by eclipse

This isn't actually entirely true. Genetics when it comes to eye color is a lot more complicated that a recessive blue vs a dominant brown. It is entirely possible for two blue eyed parents to produce brown eyed off spring, though it isn't common. It happened in my family - my mom and her first husband both have blue eyes, but my brother has brown eyes. There's not a doubt about his paternity.

hmmm... interesting. i would think that something like like would be quite rare.

http://www.thetech.org/genetics/ask.php?id=29

this seems to be a good explanation. i think that while it is generally true, obviously with genetics, there are instances where strict dominance and recessive don't really capture the true nature of genetic variation.

i think my main point was that the op would not likely even be able to tell what genetic traits her child has at birth based on how babies can change (eye color for 1.5 years, brunettes being born blond, etc.).

[Minxie]

Also don't forget that you do have other options such as abortion or adoption. They might not work for personal reasons but they do exist and you are NOT obligated to keeping the baby.

[2happymamas]

Originally Posted by vbactivist

OP - I think your best option might be to put the baby up for adoption and stay away from men for awhile. It seems as if you still need to work some things out in your personal and financial life. Good luck!

Seriously!?!?!? Perhaps I missed something, but I did not see anything in the OP's posts that indicated she may not want to keep this child. The implication that she should not raise her child due to not knowing who the father is and being in a tight spot financially is highly concerning and very judgmental sounding.

[nola79]

Originally Posted by mama2be83

so i guess if the baby is born with brown eyes then ill know for sure bc i have blue eyes. otherwise its anyones guess. so..heres to hoping for brown eyes at birth!

Please don't go by what the eye color is. Or by what the baby looks like at all. I have blue eyes and one brown eyed baby. My mom has brown eyes, I have blue eyes. You get the point.
If I were you, I'd leave it alone. I'd just list the father as unknown and not worry about it.

[vbactivist]

Originally Posted by 2happymamas

Seriously!?!?!? Perhaps I missed something, but I did not see anything in the OP's posts that indicated she may not want to keep this child. The implication that she should not raise her child due to not knowing who the father is and being in a tight spot financially is highly concerning and very judgmental sounding.

She was prostituting herself. It just doesn't seem like she is in a very good place right now. Esepcially if she is concerned about getting child support from a guy who was paying her for sex - there was no indication that he was wanting to co-parent with her either. Good luck, OP. I'm sorry you are in such a bind.

[confustication]

Originally Posted by vbactivist

She was prostituting herself. It just doesn't seem like she is in a very good place right now. Esepcially if she is concerned about getting child support from a guy who was paying her for sex - there was no indication that he was wanting to co-parent with her either. Good luck, OP. I'm sorry you are in such a bind.

It really isn't your place to make that judgment for her. It's really easy to come to that conclusion when you look at things from the outside. From within someone's life, the process is never that clean and simple. A lot of people accept that sex is a sale-able commodity. That should not be the basis for determining whether or not someone should parent their child.

OP, I think you should agree to the paternity test with your ex and go from there. Whether or not you want to involve the other man if the test results indicate that your romantic partner was not the baby's father is a bridge you don't have to cross today.

Yes, the path you took in your life that brought you to this point was bumpy, but it does not have to stay that way. You do have the ability to forge a different life for yourself and this child if that is what you choose to do. You can also consider whether you do want to parent this child, but it sounds like you have already made that decision.

Also, fwiw, my daughter's bio-dad was the product of his mom's experience with a 'john' and his knowing that throughout his childhood was incredibly detrimental. *If* that is the situation, I urge you to tread carefully with how much information you share.

[*MamaJen*]

I thought just about all caucasian babies were born with blue eyes, and they change to their permanent color a couple months later? DS was born with jet black hair and blue eyes and within a few months he had brown eyes and blond hair.

[amma_mama]

Originally Posted by vbactivist

She was prostituting herself. It just doesn't seem like she is in a very good place right now. Esepcially if she is concerned about getting child support from a guy who was paying her for sex - there was no indication that he was wanting to co-parent with her either. Good luck, OP. I'm sorry you are in such a bind.

Originally Posted by Minxie

Also don't forget that you do have other options such as abortion or adoption. They might not work for personal reasons but they do exist and you are NOT obligated to keeping the baby.

The OP was not asking for advice about whether to keep her baby or not. What is the purpose of these posts other than judge? Yes, she has had a tough time and is dealing with the consequences. If poor financial positions and bad relationship decisions were to be the deciding factors of whether a woman could be a good mom and should keep her baby then a whole lot of great MDC mamas should have followed your advice. The OP asked for specific advice, not a trial and judgment on whether she should parent her unborn child.

OP, at this point, the best you can do is wait it out and see what #2's paternity test says. If it is negative, though, you will have to use your own judgment whether #1 should be told the truth. In most cicumstances, i would say that a man has a right to know they have offspring out there, but I understand your circumstances may trump that. You should do whatever you think is in the best interests of your child.

[mpsmom]

If things are so tough financially then maybe adoption really is the best route. Baby will have a better life and you can know that you did best by the child.

I've BTDT, and while it was HARD to comes to terms with afterward, it really was the easiest decision I ever made. I know my child has a good life with parents who desperately wanted a child - and for YEARS couldn't get pregnant. My decision made many lives happier. Just because you can get pregnant doesn't mean you should be a parent.

[PoppyMama]

Originally Posted by confustication

It really isn't your place to make that judgment for her. It's really easy to come to that conclusion when you look at things from the outside. From within someone's life, the process is never that clean and simple. A lot of people accept that sex is a sale-able commodity. That should not be the basis for determining whether or not someone should parent their child.

OP, I think you should agree to the paternity test with your ex and go from there. Whether or not you want to involve the other man if the test results indicate that your romantic partner was not the baby's father is a bridge you don't have to cross today.

Yes, the path you took in your life that brought you to this point was bumpy, but it does not have to stay that way. You do have the ability to forge a different life for yourself and this child if that is what you choose to do. You can also consider whether you do want to parent this child, but it sounds like you have already made that decision.

Also, fwiw, my daughter's bio-dad was the product of his mom's experience with a 'john' and his knowing that throughout his childhood was incredibly detrimental. *If* that is the situation, I urge you to tread carefully with how much information you share.

Yeah this.

I think most people would be surprised at what they would do for money if desperate enough.

[candycat]

People will often suggest adoption when they view your living situation is less than ideal. Whatever. If a mother wants her baby unless there is some real serious issue going on (drug abuse or something like that) I don't think anyone should ever make unsolicited advice about how it might be "unselfish" to give up her child. It's rude and cold. EVERYONE (at least people who are living in mainstream America and who are well educated enough to come on MDC) who is faced with an unexpected pregnancy is quite aware that yes, abortion is an option, adoption is an option. No one has to be REMINDED of those options. Maybe a young teen or someone from a very sheltered background who might genuinely not know that these things exist. Come on.

I've had adoption thrown at me when I stated I was worried about how to raise a third child that I found out I was pregnant with after my abusive husband and I split up. People take one snippet of a problem brought on here as a call to "helpfully" remind someone of the options of abortion or adoption. Just makes me angry.

If a mother wants to keep her baby she should be supported in that decision, regardless of what challenges she faces. If she CHOOSES adoption for the good of the baby, that's very noble and such, but it's not a choice between selfish and unselfish. Choosing to keep your baby is not SELFISH.

[letabug]

just wanted to put my 2 cents in- I have 3 children and no possibility of another father. I have 1 blond hair light blue eyes fair skinned child (that match both my husband and I, except I have brown hair), #2 pretty dark skin, dark hair, dark brown eyes and #3 has pretty dark skin, medium dark hair, and her eyes are light brown. On the genetic eye calculators it says my husband shouldn't be the father but he is. If the kids had been taken from the room when they were born we would have thought there was a mix up but they didn't go anywhere w/o one of us present!

I think just being honest with #1 is a good plan- I'm sure he won't want the authorities involved. I'm sure he remembers the instance; the sooner the truth comes out the better in the end.

[savithny]

Originally Posted by confustication

Also, fwiw, my daughter's bio-dad was the product of his mom's experience with a 'john' and his knowing that throughout his childhood was incredibly detrimental. *If* that is the situation, I urge you to tread carefully with how much information you share.

This. Plus all that taking the guy to court for paternity would entail - the nature of your relationship coming out, him using the fact that it was a business transaction to call into question whether it could be him, everyone you know finding out that you were engaging in prostitution. Everyone who will be important in the kids life finding out that you were a prostitute and s/he is the result of a transaction. Do you really want to go there?

[Red Pajama]

Originally Posted by eclipse

This isn't actually entirely true. Genetics when it comes to eye color is a lot more complicated that a recessive blue vs a dominant brown. It is entirely possible for two blue eyed parents to produce brown eyed off spring, though it isn't common. It happened in my family - my mom and her first husband both have blue eyes, but my brother has brown eyes. There's not a doubt about his paternity.

I know of two situations with two blue eyed parents with brown eyed child. No doubts about paternity in either case.

[Juvysen]

Definitely go get the test (for guy #2... if it's not guy #2, I wouldn't bother with guy #1). My kids all have the same dad - the first two look VERY much alike (and have a definite resemblance to Dh), the third looks NOTHING like Dh (but looks exactly like my father, and I'm pretty sure my father is NOT the dad, and neither is anyone else considering I've never been with anyone but dh ). Dh and I both have brown hair and all the kids have light blond hair (which is pretty normal, afaik - dh and I both had blond hair as kids and so did my parents who BOTH both DAAAAARK brown hair). Anyway, genetics is complex enough that if you're not talking about a pretty distinct change (like a chance of the baby being african american or asian or something and you're white), it's pretty hard to tell whose baby it is just by looking.