My mom is careless and hurts my baby! Help!

[ShanaV]

Quick background: We live with my folks out of necessity -- twin babies, dh's job nearby, I've quit work to SAH with the babies. Living with the fam has been an absolute lifesaver. My life would be a DISASTER if I didn't have my folks to take care of everything else while I take care of the babies. It's also fabulous to be able to hand off a baby when I need a free hand.

The problem is that my mother has had now three accidents while holding a baby, in my presence: (1) She set him down on his tummy on our granite counter top (groan), and as I was saying "Noooooooo!" he pushed forward and bonked his forehead; ugh, as if she didn't learn her lesson after I got upset with her that time, another time she tried to put him on the kitchen table (glass) the same way, and I firmly told her "pick him up NOW, do NOT do that, do you remember what happened on the counter?!" she reluctantly lifted him up;

(2) while holding him in a carrier on her front where his feet dangled, she opens the oven door to remove cookies, and burns his little foot as it touched the door! I swooped him over to the sink to run cold water on it, all the while crying with him, and she saw my tears and hugged me. After a few moments I rushed him up to nurse him;

(3) Just this morning at the breakfast table, we're each holding one baby, and I look down to eat, and her baby somehow has been lied back or fallen back away from her chest and is lying with his head on the glass table, he screams, so I see that he bonked his noggin yet again! I say "lemme have him!" she says "I can comfort him," I give her a crazed mama bear glare and order again "lemme have him!" scoop him up, and rush him up to nurse him again. I am LIVID at this point.

I know the common response to a person doing this kind of careless behavior is "cut her off," or "don't let her hold the baby," but that just isn't an option here. I want to say "you can only hold the baby while sitting on the couch" or something, but I don't know. WWYD?

[maddymama]

Hi Mama,
I would say that sice your babies are going to roll and crawl soon, they should never be put down on anything other than the floor- which will help with #1, and say "No holding babies, or carrying them in a carrier while cooking"- which is a "baby carrier rule," btw. That should help with #2.
Part of me wants to say that all babies will get bonked, and sometimes it might even happen when YOU are holding them, so minor bonks shouldn't really bother you. The one that bothers me is the cookies/oven one, bc that could cause some serious damage.
Good luck talking to her,
~maddymama

[PoppyMama]

Wow. I am not one of the people who recommends cutting people off and I wouldn't recommend that here but, except for the laying back on the table incident oops, these are pretty serious mistakes IMO. It is a TERRIBLE idea to ever lay babies on counters or tables. It's also a terrible idea to cook with a baby on the front. When I cooked with a little one that I wasn't back carrying yet I would sling them and when I needed to do something I would slide the sling back so they were side saddled toward the back with their covered feet towards the front. That way I could cut and get close the stove without taking a risk. Do you have pets? Can you get some bouncy seats that always stay on the floor, or maybe a swing in the kitchen area to quickly set a baby down in for a minute? I hope you can work this out without lots of hurt feelings.

[Latte Mama]

I have to agree with PoppyMama, I think these are safety concerns. Why on earth would anyone think a baby would want to lie on hard glass/granite? That sounds so uncomfortable! Of course they would bonk their head, that is almost a given.

And opening an oven door with a baby on your front is just plain unsafe. Can you have a discussion with her about safety concerns? Will she see that her actions are um, clueless? Or will she just get defensive and upset?

Bottom line, this is not about your mom or her feelings, it is about the safety of your kids.

[CarrieMF]

I would say that sice your babies are going to roll and crawl soon, they should never be put down on anything other than the floor- which will help with #1, and say "No holding babies, or carrying them in a carrier while cooking"- which is a "baby carrier rule," btw. That should help with #2.
Part of me wants to say that all babies will get bonked, and sometimes it might even happen when YOU are holding them, so minor bonks shouldn't really bother you. The one that bothers me is the cookies/oven one, bc that could cause some serious damage.

I agree with this. Even if your child was laying on the floor they could bonk thier heads hard, it is going to happen. The issue with laying on the counter/table is a falling off thing, not whether they can bonk their heads. Babies are going to suddenly move & bonk their heads like this did in #3, especially if your mom was eating at the same time.

#2 is really the only serious issue & it was a stupid thing to do but it may have been something she didn't think about happening either.

[camracrazy]

I would get them bouncy seats or a pack n play they can be in together while you are eating, cooking, etc. Or perhaps a playmat for the floor.

[ShanaV]

Thank you for the tips, ladies. I needed to vent it out. We got swings a couple of weeks ago and, man, I don't know why I didn't get them sooner! The babies love 'em. This morning, however, they didn't want to sit in their swings.

And I know that the babies will bonk their noggins, a bunch of times they've bonked their heads against our shoulder, collar bone, teeth; I've poked them in the eye with my nose and so on. Plus, they tend to fling themselves around while being held -- it's pretty hilarious really.

I just talked with my dad about this (he's my rock and the voice of reason), and confirmed that this is how my mother has been for the 40 years he's known her. She doesn't see risk, like about the counter, table or oven, and thinks that all injuries are minor. Frankly, I don't know how I made it out alive because, as my dad tells me, she used to leave me in the car while she ran into the store, or park the stroller in an aisle and go walk away and rummage through bins in the Marshall's, or whatnot. My dad said that he'd breathe a sigh of relief every time I made it home alive. Her carelessness is innate.

I just have to be insistent, repeatedly, that she keep the babies away from hard surfaces, not set them down in unsafe places, and the cooking while babywearing hasn't happened again and probably won't either.

[Norasmomma]

The burnt foot is bad, she should NEVER be getting food out of an oven while holding an infant. The head bonking, well you better get used to it, my 1 year old got a scratch on his face, a bruise on his head and scratches on his legs right now.....all of these things happened while we were watching him. Mobile babies get bumps and bruises all.the.time.

FWIW-my mom rarely gets to watch my kids, but that's because she's really forgetful.

[phathui5]

I think you need to be very clear with your mom about the safety rules involving your children.

"Do not ever put them down on any surface from which they can fall, like a counter or table."

"Do not hold or wear a baby when you are cooking."

And I don't think that I would let her watch them without you there.

[mammal_mama]

I understand that it would be a lot harder to do all your care of your twins yourself until your dh gets home and can help you -- but, honestly, isn't this what you'd be doing if you lived in your own place? I mean, it's kind of like me when I felt like I "needed" my 5yo to do all my running and fetching for me after my younger dd was born.

I mean, one day I woke up and realized that when my 5yo was a baby, I managed to do all those little things that I was now feeling I "needed" her for. She seemed really thankful when I realized that!

I do realize I have no idea what it's like to have twins -- other than the fact that there was a ratio of four babies to one caregiver when I worked in the infant room of a daycare center many years ago. That could get pretty crazy at times, but of course we only worked 8 hours a day and we got lunch breaks and ten-minute breaks and I realize that makes a difference.

I just think the safety of your babies is pretty darned important, and I don't see your mom changing in this lifetime. I had a similar situation with my mom when my oldest was a young toddler and I'd go over to help her with my dad's care.

While I'd be caring for my dad, Mom would be setting up the table for their next meal, like, a couple of hours ahead of time. And she always liked to lay all Dad's medications right on the table -- even after dd grabbed one of Dad's pills once and almost had it in her mouth.

I was really adamant that when we were there, she couldn't lay any pills out on the table; she needed to just wait and give them directly to Dad when it was time for him to actually take them. She just told me that dd (who was 17 months old at the time of my dad's death) needed to learn not to grab things that weren't hers.

At first I really felt like I had to quit going over to help them because it wasn't safe for my dd. But I really didn't want to ditch my dad like that, so I started going over on weekends when dh could help me.

I'm really sorry that your mom's careless behavior is messing up what could have been a really wonderful arrangement for everyone concerned. But, honestly, I think I'd find it less stressful to do without the help than to be constantly worried about what dangerous thing she'll do next!

[OkiMom]

How bout sit down and make a list of "baby don'ts" with your mom. Doens't sound like shes being malicious its just she doesn't see the risk involved in these situations. From the fact she is trying to help you with your babies its obvious she loves you and the babies she just doesn't see risks like the rest of us does. Maybe rules should be something like:
-Only put the baby down in the bouncer, swing or crib/pack and play or on the ground.
-never open the oven or handle hot pans/plates while carrying baby
-never eat hot foods while holding baby (if you are worried about that)
-If in doubt ask, don't just assume (good one for when the babies are older)
- Never leave the baby unattended in public
-always use approved carseat when transporting baby
etc.
It might help her as well since Im sure it stresses her out for you to be upset with her. Also, is there a way to put a bouncer in the kitchen so she has something close by to put the baby in when shes cooking? Maybe something easily moveable so she can also move it to the dining room so you can eat together. Maybe encourage her to use a pillow under the baby (if you are comfortable with that, I use to lay a pillow under my girls to stop them from hitting their heads against the table since once they got cut from that) so the baby does hit their head against the table.

ETA- I have to say forgetful/carelessness can hit anyone. For example, my husband who is a wonderful father didn't think about the fact he had our 2 month old in a carrier and took a pan of hot food out of the oven. The pan touched her leg and she ended up with a burn on her leg. He kicks himself every time he sees that burn but he didn't mean it, he was just not thinking. It happens. I can't imagine getting mad at him for it. DD1's ped didn't think once and turned his back to grab a diaper for me while I was filling something out (totally forgot what), of course DD1 decided to show her ability to roll over at that minute, scared us both. He told me he use to lecture his wife about doing that (they had 5 children themselves) and he just did the same thing. Poor guy actually felt really bad about it, called that night and the next day to make sure DD1 was doing ok even though DD1 maybe fell 2 inches before he caught her and didn't hit any part of her body on anything. I think I was less worried than he was. Sometimes you just need to manage the carelessness and set boundaries on what can/can't happen so its less likely to happen.

[Latte Mama]

RE; the head bonks. Of course babies/kids will get them. But why put them in a precarious position where is really almost a given that it will happen?

And yes the falling risk is the main concern. OP, if your mom has always been like this than my comfort level would be to not let her watch any children alone ever.

[peainthepod]

She's not a safe or responsible caretaker, end of story. Her motives don't even really matter. I just wouldn't let her be alone with the children. It will be a lot more work for you and probably a little awkward for everyone, but your babies' safety is way more important than her feelings IMHO.

Sorry you're dealing with this! I would have been livid too.

[crunchy_mommy]

This is tricky. I often feel like my DH would fall into the same category as your mom. He just doesn't seem to see risk (but obviously he is my son's father my husband and cutting him out is not even remotely an option!) I swear 95% of DS's injuries have happened while he was in DH's care. Fortunately he's 20mos & hasn't yet suffered any truly major injuries.

I have done a lot of educating (lecturing?) with DH. If you leave razors on the edge of the tub, DS can grab them & cut himself. Don't leave DS alone on high surfaces, he could fall. Empty the knives from the dishwasher before you let DS help you with the dishes. I feel like a paranoid cop running after him with all this safety advice but he seems to be internalizing some of it at least. We also have baby-proofed more than I would've liked. I think if you set up a super safe environment and a few 'safe' places (highchairs or swings or whatever) for dangerous tasks, and then reiterate the rules (no placing babies on counters, no cooking with babies) you can maintain their safety to some degree but you are always going to feel 'on guard'. I know you discussed your concerns with your dad, but how about your mom? Could you explain to her the dilemma she is putting you in? Could you brainstorm together the best ways to help her keep your babies safe (whether that's a list of rules, or more 'baby-holders' around the house, or more child-proofing, etc.)?

[AllisonR]

Originally Posted by ShanaV

I just talked with my dad about this (he's my rock and the voice of reason), and confirmed that this is how my mother has been for the 40 years he's known her. She doesn't see risk, like about the counter, table or oven, and thinks that all injuries are minor. Frankly, I don't know how I made it out alive because, as my dad tells me, she used to leave me in the car while she ran into the store, or park the stroller in an aisle and go walk away and rummage through bins in the Marshall's, or whatnot. My dad said that he'd breathe a sigh of relief every time I made it home alive. Her carelessness is innate.

Bolding mine. If this is, and always has been, her personality, what do you think you can do to actually change her? I don't think talking about it, having rules, making a list.... is going to actually change another person.

Perhaps you need to look at this from another angle. You can keep your mom as a HUGE support person in your life, and just accept that some injuries may occur, and hold your breath and hope they will only be minor. Or you loose this huge support, but reduce the risk of injury to your babies. No one can tell you what to do, because only you are there to see if her behavior really is risky or not. I'm in the "free-range, eat some dirt before you die and get a few bruises" camp - so my reaction might be different than yours. If it really is unsafe, then you need to change the situation. This will be huge of course - moving, having someone else help you with your babies (and dealing with your moms hurt by doing this), take care of your babies by yourself, whatever... But if her actions are sometimes very unsafe, then you need to really investigate your options, instead of feeling trapped. Good luck, whatever you decide.

[mammal_mama]

I do want to say that I don't think this entails cutting your mom out of your life. A lot of the major safety risks will pretty much vanish by the time your children are, say, four or five. By that time if your mom sets them on a table they can get down on their own.

[waiting2bemommy]

How about asking her to not bring the babies into the kitchen? I realize this might not be practical, but imo most of the potentially serious injuries happen in the kitchen or bathroom. I would tell her "since the babies are getting mobile now, I'm making a new rule for them. They are not allowed in the kitchen or bathroom anymore unless they are seated in a highchair to eat something." And since they probably aren't into solids yet, this actually buys you another couple of months. Maybe if you present it as a rule for your kids, rather than a rule for her ("the kids are not allowed in the kitchen" vs. "you are not allowed to bring the kids in here") it would go over better.

I wouldn't worry about the head bonks in and of themselves---there will be plenty more before they are walking and talking----but the whole oven thing really bothers me. I am forseeing more scenarios in the future that may involve knives, food processors, the garbage disposal, etc. It is almost impossible to spell out detailed rules for someone like that; you just can't give someone common sense . I would just keep the babies out of the kitchen, plug up the outlets, and not worry about the rest of the stuff.

[ChetMC]

Agree

Originally Posted by Norasmomma

The burnt foot is bad, she should NEVER be getting food out of an oven while holding an infant. The head bonking, well you better get used to it, my 1 year old got a scratch on his face, a bruise on his head and scratches on his legs right now.....all of these things happened while we were watching him. Mobile babies get bumps and bruises all.the.time.

FWIW-my mom rarely gets to watch my kids, but that's because she's really forgetful.

This was my thought too. The foot and the stove was the only really horrible thing in my mind. Head bonks, and bruises happen all the time.

We have four closely-spaced kids and the baby has always gotten bumped and banged trying to keep up with the older ones. I know some people feel that toddlers and preschoolers shouldn't have access to a baby in any capacity where the baby could get hurt, but 95% of the time they enjoy each other's company, and sometimes the baby just gets hurt (banged, pushed, poked, hit, etc). I've always felt that the overall benefit of the relationship was very much net positive even with the bumps the bangs.

I would focus on a couple of rules (like somebody else takes the baby when you're near the stove).

I can't really criticize about the granite counters. our babies got laid on our granite counter from time to time, and they played on our slate/ceramic floor, etc.

[PoppyMama]

W2bM comment about the outlets made me think...

I didn't do much of any babyproofing but I do plan on doing quite a bit before January since I will have two under two. Since your mom doesn't see risk it might help you out to make a really big deal about baby proofing and child safety, not as an attack on her but as something you see becoming more important. You could even have one of those pro-proofers come out and talk about risk and leave a list of what's safe and unsafe. Then you could have concrete rules for the babies and wouldn't need your mom to "get it" just follow the rules and it would take the situation away from being a you vs her thing.

[Super~Single~Mama]

Originally Posted by waiting2bemommy

How about asking her to not bring the babies into the kitchen?

I wouldn't worry about the head bonks in and of themselves---there will be plenty more before they are walking and talking----but the whole oven thing really bothers me. I am forseeing more scenarios in the future that may involve knives, food processors, the garbage disposal, etc. It is almost impossible to spell out detailed rules for someone like that; you just can't give someone common sense . I would just keep the babies out of the kitchen, plug up the outlets, and not worry about the rest of the stuff.

YES to the bold. Set up a swing or pack n play right outside the kitchen and before you enter the kitchen, put the baby DOWN. They can cry while you're in the kitchen taking something out of the oven - my ds often does - but he's not allowed to be uncontained while the oven is open for any reason (other than grandma and grandpa are watching him and are VERY aware that the oven is open and he needs to be kept away from the kitchen - I have a tiny apartment).

As for the head bonks, thats not the part that would worry me - I would be LIVID about him being put down on the counter/table, but the head bonks, get used to it. And, cheerfully say, "Oops! Did you get a bump??" when it happens so they don't learn to freak out every time since I've found that my reaction is half of my ds's reaction to any incident.