A friend's child got hurt at my house.

[momasana]

Yesterday we had some friends over for a playdate. My friend was upstairs nursing her baby while the 4 older children came down to our living room area. My friend's DS was jumping on our couch, climbed over the back and fell face down on the tile, smacking his face pretty hard. He cried pretty hard for awhile but calmed down with some nursing and some ice.

I didn't see the incident (I was on the other side of the room) but another mom friend was standing right there so she saw what happened.

My friend texted me today saying that her DS had a black eye from the incident. She has said that her DS (2.5 yo) was just following my DS's (3 yo) lead and wasn't familiar with how dangerous the couch and tile were. I think she is pretty upset with me.

I feel terrible that her son got hurt, BUT we have a 'no-standing-on-furniture' rule at our house. My DS was sitting on the couch when it happened, I cannot say for certain that he didn't stand on the couch (because I didn't see), but climbing over the furniture is a big no-no and he knows better. Also, my friend was upstairs when it happened so I don't understand why she would think it was my DS's fault because she didn't see either. I asked the other mom and she said that while they saw the other boy jump, climb, and fall, she didn't notice any of the events leading up to it.

My friend's DS is a real monkey and is always climbing, jumping, or hanging from everything in sight. He has zero fear. Later on during our playdate he was climbing on the back of a different couch (in our playroom) and trying to grab a cord at the top of a floor lamp. Twice I had to ask him to get down, telling him that it was dangerous and I didn't want him to get hurt again.

Don't get me wrong, I'm all for children being able to explore and challenge their physical boundaries - just not on my furniture. That's just something that we don't allow in our house.

Again, I feel really bad that my friend's DS fell and got hurt. I never want to see a little one get injured, especially in my own house. I care very much about my friend and her boy. But at the same time I don't feel like she should be upset with me, or that I should put blame on my DS for causing it to happen. I have told her that I am so sorry that he got hurt, but I'm not sure what else I can say or do about it. Will you help me process this? Am I wrong for feeling this way? Is there something else I should do or say?

[mamazee]

Kids get hurt. Kids who jump on furniture (and I have them) are more likely to get hurt. This is not your fault, and it's just silly to get upset about a 3-year-old being immature. She's probably just bummed out about him being hurt. It is hard not to get angry at anyone and everyone when your little one gets hurt. Hopefully she'll relax about it when time has passed.

[Minxie]

Were it me, I would probably find a way to show her I understand her concerns but...kids are going to get hurt. No one did anything to intentionally hurt him and if you all had been at a playground, I don't think it would have caused much concern. Because it happened in your home, she might have felt that you should have been more in control of all that happened.

In future, can you make a safe place for the boys to climb and play? Maybe create your own climbing wall with padding beneath or send them outside? Maybe you all could meet at a playground.

[pauletoy]

I don't think there is anything else you need to say. It wasn't your fault. Your friend needs to deal with her child climbing on other people's furniture. To me, this warrants her having a conversation with her own child about respecting other people's property. She has no reason to be angry with you. It was an accident and accidents happen.

[phathui5]

Her son having a black eye is probably really upsetting her. I can understand that. It's hard when your kid gets hurt and then there's a mark that reminds you of it happening.

It sounds like no one could have stopped what happened. She was upstairs, you were on the other side of the room, the other mom couldn't grab him in time. It was an accident.

I probably wouldn't say anything to her about it. If she brings it up, you could suggest more active things for the kids to do (like outdoors) next time.

[mammal_mama]

I'm rather shocked that an experienced mother of five would behave in such an idiotic and accusatory manner toward you and your 3 yo about this! Of course this is in no way your fault, or your son's fault.

I honestly don't see how it's even relevant whether you let your kids stand on furniture or whether her 2 1/2 yo was following your 3yo's "lead." The fact is, she chose to sit upstairs to nurse her baby rather than being present to supervise her child.

I understand that it's upsetting to us when our babies get hurt. I would be very upset with myself if something bad happened to my toddler while I was taking a break from supervising him.

Of course, in my case, I have two very rambunctious girls who hurt themselves a LOT while they were toddlers even while I was right there watching them. So, while I understand that when they get hurt someone always wants to blame someone, I do think that sometimes, watchful as we may be, things are going to happen.

That said, this particular 2 1/2 yo's mom wasn't being a watchful mom at that particular moment. I'm not saying that anyone should verbally kick her for this, we all fall down in our parenting at times. It just seems rather bizarre that she's verbally kicking you and your 3 yo rather than saying, "Oops! I guess I should have been watching my kid...maybe then he wouldn't have this black eye."

[confustication]

I'm sorry she's reacting to you as she is. Kids do test boundaries and get hurt. I had to buy a climber for my living room for my little guys- they are the fearless sort and 'no climbing' isn't realistic for them but ''climb here' works better.

Still, they both have bumps and bruises and I hate when they are hurt, but it's part of their learning process. Certainly not something anyone else can fix.

[OkiMom]

Personally I can't see why shes upset with you. You can't stop every accident from happening, whether at your house or someone elses. What could you do to stop it from happening? Nothing. Even if the child was following someone else's "lead" I can't see how you can stop anything from happening. Honestly Id be more upset with myself for the injury (not being there to supervise my kids, no matter whos house they are in) than the home owners.
Id say Im sorry shes upset with the situation and that the child got hurt. Leave it at that, don't take responsibility for the accident because it wasn't your fault or your 3 year olds (who would blame a 3 year old for an accident? I have one myself and she would not intentional cause someone else to get hurt, its just not in her) and you don't need to be taking responsibility for it.
Maybe its time also to sit down and lay ground work with them if they come over regularly. Talk about what is or isn't appropriate (like her being absent, the kids playing on furniture etc) and what happens if the child does something inappropriate (sit down with mom, taken from the situation whatever). If you feel like she can be rational maybe ask her what she would have done differently. Maybe shes just upset in general and taking it out on you, sometimes if you put them in the situation then it stops the person in their mental tracks so to say and gets them to actually think about the situation instead of just reacting.

[Latte Mama]

and wasn't familiar with how dangerous the couch and tile were.

What the heck does this even mean? What 2 1/2 yr old WOULD know this? It sounds like his Mom freaked out when he woke up with a black eye and started telling him how dangerous it was to climb over a couch that had a tile floor under it .

And how would this be your 3 year olds fault? Sheesh, I am SO looking forward to these things .

Sorry OP and I do feel bad that the child got hurt. It sounds like he is a little daredevil (like my DS but I don't let him do that crap at people's houses). But if she doesn't tell him to stop all this climbing, why would she expect him to stop on his own (referring to when you said he climbed other stuff after the fall)?

She is just blaming you and your son instead of taking responsibility.

[carmel23]

Sorry, OP. It was an accident. Give your friend some time to heal and get over it. I think folks are right, she's probably just reacting to her little one having a black eye and looking to shift the responsibility. Not a great thing, but very human and we all kind of do that, especially when it comes to our kids.

[One_Girl]

I would be upset if I thought two of my friends were keeping an eye on my child while I was busy doing something then found out that they weren't but that is because my friends and I watch out for each other and each other's child so that expectation is there and I know how upset I get when my child is hurt. I am fair about it and also get very angry with myself and I also get over it after I have time to think. It sounds like she thought that you would watch the kids while she was busy but you didn't have any intention of doing that so I think you should clear up that belief before the next playdate by letting her know that you expect her to keep her kids with her at all times in your home or plan on supervising if a friend isn't able to for a few minutes. My dd has done several things on playdates in my home that she never did when it was just us and a few of them could have turned into very serious accidents before I realized that I needed to supervise very closely when friends are over. I am not totally sure on this, but I believe if someone gets seriously hurt in your home you can be liable for damage so if a child breaks a bone while climbing over the top of your couch you might be liable. I think you should check out what the rules are regarding that where you live and if you aren't willing to closely supervise toddlers on playdates in your home when a friend is nursing and wanting privacy or using the bathroom then you should have them in public places to avoid liability.

[momasana]

Originally Posted by One_Girl

It sounds like she thought that you would watch the kids while she was busy but you didn't have any intention of doing that so I think you should clear up that belief before the next playdate by letting her know that you expect her to keep her kids with her at all times in your home or plan on supervising if a friend isn't able to for a few minutes.

Oh that's not the case at all! Of course we all watch the little ones for each other when we are together, that goes without saying in our group. We are a good group of friends and share a supportive community of mothering. There were two other mothers and four older children at my house that day. She was nursing her little one upstairs and the bigger children came downstairs, no one even thought twice about it because it was a normal scenario. The only reason I pointed out that she was away from the group was because she said that my son was leading her son, but there was no way she could say that because she wasn't even there, how would she know?

And we were all supervising the children. I was in the room, just looking in a different direction. The other mama was maybe 3 feet away and just couldn't reach out and catch him in time when he fell.

I guess this is the part that I feel bad about. Feeling accused of not properly supervising her child, which wasn't the case. And having her blame my child, even though she wasn't there to see what happened. It was just an accident, and something that her child is prone to based on his daredevil ways. As I mentioned, just moments later he was running across the back of another couch and she did not do or say anything to stop him.

[mammal_mama]

It seems a bit extreme to say that the OP should stop having people with kids in her home unless she is willing to completely take over their parental responsibility to supervise their children.

But then, I guess even with good friends, I'm the sort to make a point of saying something like, "I need to get something from the car and dd is having so much fun playing right now; do you mind keeping an eye on her for me?" I never assume that the minute I'm not watching, my friends' brains will just automatically change their setting to, "Susan has stepped away from her child; I need to take over now."

I also kind of accept that people are fallible and that no one is going to be as tuned-in to my children as me or dh. I guess I just don't believe in setting friendships up for failure by overloading them with unrealistic expectations. It's better to just take responsibility for our own choices, and it's actually pretty easy once we get in the habit.

It's honestly not the least bit hard for me to admit to myself, when something happens to show me that one of my children needs closer supervision, that, hey, I made an error in judgment so I just need to do better next time. Maybe that's why I don't "get" the need that some parents feel to always push blame onto others.

It just seems so contorted and codependent, and accepting personal responsibility (while realizing that no one is ever going to be perfect) just seems like a much happier way to live. But to each her own.

[Dar]

Stuff happens. I'm sorry he got a black eye, but really, most toddlers end up with that sort of injury at one point or another. It's just unfortunate that it happened at your house.

My kid broke her arm at a friend's house, and I wasn't even there. She was riding a scooter wearing clogs (which she still swears had nothing to to with the accident - she just hit a bump in the sidealk, she said, and put out her arm to break her fall - but I blame clogs). It was a nasty break, two bones, and it didn't heal right. I never considered blaming my friend - and she's still my friend, and our kids are still really, really good friends. Stuff happens.

[luvmybaby333]

My daughter sounds a lot like your friend's kid. She is all over EVERYTHING. She climbs up on tall bar stools, big toys, and tries to conquer dang near anything taller than herself. We just let her go. However, I would not allow her to behave that way (jumping all over stuff or grabbing at things) at another person's house. Also, should she get injured while climbing and such, it would never occur to me to blame someone else. We tell her the risks of her behavior and we are aware of them ourselves. She rarely does get hurt, but when it happens... it's nobody's fault. Kids simply get hurt. They could get hurt walking across a parking lot and tripping just as easily as they could get hurt climbing on the "big kids" equipment at the park.

In your case, I can't even fathom why your friend is upset with you. Following your son's lead? How about taking personal responsibility? If neither one of you even saw it, what on earth is she talking about? That's just bizarre, IMO. If she persists with the grumpiness, I would simply tell her something along the lines of: Kids get hurt. Teach your son to respect other people's property, and perhaps he won't get hurt at another person's house again. But don't expect him to never get hurt... because you'll be sorely disappointed. P.S. Tile is hard. It can hurt faces. Pass it on.

Okay... if you like her, perhaps I wouldn't recommend saying that. But seriously, don't let her make you feel like crap. Stuff happens. I'm sure she doesn't watch her children every moment of every day. At some point her back will have to turn, and in that split second ANYTHING could happen. Sheesh.

[meemee]

oh no mama i hope you dont lose a friend.

its really strange to see a 'seasoned' mama blame a 3 year old.

things happen.

dd broke her friends arm. by sitting on it at her friend's house. it was an accident. dd was 5 and her friend was 3. they are still like sisters. and mama holds nothing against anyone. in fact as my dd cried she rushed to reassure her it was an accident.

i just dont get it.

[mamadelbosque]

Seriously, this is *not* your fault, or your childs fault. My ds1 (3.5) just fell off of friends' bunkbeds on monday and broke his leg. There were other (older) children (2 that were/are 16/17, 1 9 yr old and 1 6 yr old) in the room and *just* outside the door. Is it any of their faults? Is it the other 3 yr old who was also jumping on said bunk bed? Of course not. Its not my fault either - it just happend. Kids get hurt. Sometimes bad, sometimes not, and aside from hovering over them 24/7 theres not much you can do to stop it. Personally, I"m not willing to follow my 3 yr old (or 1 yr old) around 24/7 and hover over them as they climb, jump and play with friends, so I accept that he is going to get hurt occasionally.

[pigpokey]

Wow that really sounds like a non-event to me. I wonder what else is going on. Child fell off couch. Film at 11? No.

It's not like you left your hunting knife collection unlocked in the playroom.

[texmati]

How old is her oldest? 2.5? Honestly it tears my heart out every time my recently mobile DS gets hurt. It could be that she's just not used to it yet.

[prothyraia]

I agree with pretty much everyone else. This stuff happens. And in this case, it was a black eye, not a concussion or a broken bone or a trip to the ER.

I'm guessing that her 2.5 year old is her oldest? And the other older kids belong to other parents? Because it makes a little more sense to overreact when your first young toddler gets hurt like that, since sometimes people still think you can actually prevent them from getting injured (hah!) and haven't learned to live with the constant reality of minor injury.