How can I help my overweight daughter?

[honey]

Help- I'm fresh out of ideas. My daughter is getting seriously overweight.

She was almost 10 pounds at birth (my smallest incidentally) and was breastfed for two years. From birth she was voracious, a baracuda nurser. She has always had a very strong appetite, and as a toddler occasionally ate so much she made herself sick. She has always been chubby, but is now more than chubby. She is 4 foot 11 and 132 pounds. She is 10 1/2 and definitely starting puberty.

Yesterday she was crying as she was trying to find something to wear. She is a happy, sweet, funny girl. It breaks my heart to see her feeling bad about herself.

We don't have television, and she is seldom doing nothing. She has a dance/tumbling class 4 days a week. She likes to jumprope and go for walks and ride her bike, and play outside in general.

We don't eat junk food. We don't eat fast food. She drinks milk, but only skim, organic, hormone free. We eat whole foods and no red meat. We seldom have any fattening treats, but I know she gets some at school.

She just eats more, and more frequently than she should. Her appetite is just really strong, and she thinks about food a lot. Sometimes it is like she is obsessed with it.

I took her to the doctor about 6 months ago. Her blood chemistry was normal. She has been doing the "Trim Kids" program which is basically just keeping track of what you eat, kind of like Weight Watchers. It did help, but she isn't motivated to keep track, and stopped about a month ago.

How can I help her get motivated? Any ideas or advice for me?

[Arduinna]

I think the best thing you can do is follow her lead. If she doesn't feel motivated then let it go. Do not pressure her about her looks or weight. It is completely normal for girls to put some weight on as they reach puberty. It sounds like she is already eating healthy and is active. You took her to the Dr and she doesn't having any health issues. Take her shopping and buy her some clothes she likes that fit her. Between 10 and 16 or so they grow alot, change proportions ect quickly. Making a huge deal at this age about size and weight may set her up for an eating disorder later. Let her have a healthy relationship with food by learning to trust her body to tell her what it needs.

Her moodiness may not be because of weight but because of all the changes she is going through.

BTW, my dd is 14.

[Britishmum]

I'd back off and ignore it. Present healthy foods only, and maybe replace some of that milk with other drinks, but not making a point of it with her, just for the family.

I honestly think the worst thing you can do is ask her to track what she eats. I went throuh this as a child (although not overweight, jsut a paranoid, weight-obsessed mother) and it stayed with me for thirty years. Not fun! You are settng up for trouble by 'dealing' wiht it at all. AT her age, she should not be thinkng about it. Can you provide clothes that fit comfortably and that she likes? Get rid of any clothes that dont fit and mkae her feel bad.

I'm not good on picturing weight/height, but her size doesnt sound too bad to me. She'll probably grow upwards and slim down naturally if you trust her body to do it properly. Summer is coming, so lots of easy meals and salads and fruits, for all the family, and I bet you can make a difference as she grows and plays. Just please, please, don't mkae her diet or chart what she eats. That is a sure way to set her up for a lifetime of eating disorders.

[mama_kass]

I too was an over weight child. It was not an easy thing to deal with. When I hit puberty all the weight came flying off without any changes. I was about your daughter's weight, got my period when I was 11. It was the summer between 5th and 6th grade. When I went back to school I was treated so differently. All of a sudden everyone wanted to be my friend. But it was frustrating because the only thing that changed was my appearance. I was still the same. Why did all the kids suddenly like me? Why couldn't they like me when I was fat too?

Here's my advice. Just take what you can use and leave the rest.

Teach her about good nuitrition choices. Here are some things that work for me and my family.

Every night at dinner I have a HUGE salad first and then eat everything else on my plate. I also have a glass of water before dinner and then one with dinner. As a result my oldest son does the same.

I make fruit salad for dessert a lot.

Quite often people will think they are hungry when in reality their bodies are saying THIRSTY! Make sure she is getting enough water. Encourage this by telling her to keep water near by all the time.

Don't bring "bad foods" into the house. Sodas, chips, you know the stuff.

Practice what you preach. If you live a good life style your kids probably will too.

I do not agree with putting kids on diets. They are growing and need the extra nuitrition. Give her plenty of oppertunity for physical activity. We talk walks together, hike, practice Yoga, and go roller skating. Everyone has some type of physical activity that they like. Ask her what she would like to do and do it with her.

I hope this helps.

[honey]

Thank you all so much for the advice. I appreciate it so much. I will focus more on teaching her about healthy food choices, and not push any dieting.

I'm aware too that maybe she is just going to be a bigger person and there is nothing wrong with that if she is active and healthy.

Quite often people will think they are hungry when in reality their bodies are saying THIRSTY! Make sure she is getting enough water. Encourage this by telling her to keep water near by all the time.

This may be contributing to her constantly being hungry, thanks for pointing it out!

[Marg of Arabia]

honey,

My daughter was getting a plump tummy about 2 years ago. She hated it. I limited her intake of sugar and fats.

But, the most important thing we did which was the most helpful was to do walking and running TOGETHER. The key word is TOGETHER! She got to be with me alone (rare for the 1st born of 3). Yes, I had to get out there with her EVERYDAY. We would walk (at least 4 miles) one day and run the next (about 2 miles). I got more out of it than she did.

She is 15 now. We still excercise together. We go to the Y now on the tread mill. It is a great time for us to talk.

I think getting kids into the habit of exercising is the most important part of weight control......

[cottonwood]

Do not put her on a diet. IT WILL NOT WORK. It will backfire. It will give her an unhealthy relationship with food, make her obsessed with it, and screw up her metabolism.

My husband went through some of the same. He was a fat child, his family ate only healthy food (lots of beans and brown rice), but he got candy with his own money and ate the terrible hot lunches the school provided. He wasn't put on a diet, but it was an ISSUE. Then he hit adolescense and thinned out, but guess what, the unhealthy attitude that was created by making it an ISSUE in the first place created an obsession. He now refuses to eat healthy foods because they were pushed on him as a means of changing his appearance to make other people happy. So he has bad eating habits, and eventually they caught up with him, and although he is pretty active (participates in team sports 3x a week) he is overweight.

My story is a little different -- I went through a phase exactly like you describe with your daughter. In the space of a couple years my proportions changed and I no longer was rotund with a big double chin, but compared to most of the other girls (who were tiny things) I was still big, so they put me on a calorie-restriction diet. I believe that if an issue hadn't been made about my weight, my body would have eventually provided me with a an average sized adult body, even with junk food in my diet. As it was, the dieting made my body go into starvation mode, and despite the fact that I was (pressured to) participate in sports, the dieting ate away at my muscle, creating new space for a higher proportion of fat for my body to store in response to the previous famine (diet.) In the same way I yo-yo'ed for many years until I got smart and stopped undermining my body.

[CincoDeMama]

i also have an overweight dd (11), and i myself was an overweight child. it sucked & does suck! feeling rejected & unaccepted is something girls feel regardless of weight, but when you're bigger than every around you-ya kinda feel like you're always being stared at & talked about kids are so cruel.

tan has always been big & healthy, and my best eater out of 4 kids. she doesn't eat a lot of junk, but we do partake in some sweets on the wkends. she cheers, sings in choir, and plays almost daily outside, running around & walking the dog. how she keeps any amount of fat on her body is beyond me, but that's just her motabolism, yk?

she stayed at 125-130 for almost 3 yrs, and recently got on the scale (yesterday) and weighed in at 160. she's 11 and weighs what i weighed as a full grown womyn (pre-babies!). i couldn't believe it. but i didn't dare say a word to her about it. she already feels as if she needs to lie about it, at least she did to her brothers when they asked her how much the scale read.

i'm hoping, for her sake, and only her sake, that the scale slows down for her. i don't want to see her hurt for years over her weight. i'd love to see her stay at a weight & keep it there, and feel good about herself. the only way i can help her do this, without letting her know is to only keep healthy snacks & meals in front of her (which is tough cause i'm craving fastfood like mad!).

hope this helps

[EnviroBecca]

When we feel like eating, sometimes we're not hungry but just feel like enjoying the taste or texture of food. She is old enough to develop the ability to interpret her cravings and decide not to eat if she's not actually hungry. It will help to move on to some kind of activity (esp. one that doesn't allow for eating while doing it) as a distraction.

If you haven't already, establish a policy of never eating out of the package. Encourage your daughter to serve herself the smallest amount that she thinks will be satisfying and not have seconds. If she still feels hungry, she should go do something else for at least 30 minutes...and if she's still hungry after that, THEN get some more food. Often the body just takes a while to "notice" the food and stop sending hungry signals!

Beware of pushing either of the above ideas (for all the reasons others have mentioned!) but bring them up casually when she seems receptive. To facilitate both, don't require her to sit at the table until everyone has finished eating--it's hard to resist food when you're sitting at a table full of it w/nothing else to do.

Also, try making water the default beverage. It's easy to suck down a lot more calories in milk or juice than one would eat in cheese or fruit!

Try not to worry too much. She will probably slim down within a few years.

[honey]

Originally posted by Marg of Arabia

But, the most important thing we did which was the most helpful was to do walking and running TOGETHER. The key word is TOGETHER! She got to be with me alone (rare for the 1st born of 3). Yes, I had to get out there with her EVERYDAY. We would walk (at least 4 miles) one day and run the next (about 2 miles). I got more out of it than she did.

You are awesome Marg. I have to make time to do this with her. I know she would love it, too!

[honey]

Originally posted by blueviolet
Do not put her on a diet. IT WILL NOT WORK. It will backfire. It will give her an unhealthy relationship with food, make her obsessed with it, and screw up her metabolism.

I believe that if an issue hadn't been made about my weight, my body would have eventually provided me with a an average sized adult body, even with junk food in my diet.

I have been so worried about fostering eating disorders in her. When she was 4 months old my mother in law told my husband that I'd better put her on a schedule because I was nursing her too much and was going to give her heart disease

When she was four, her gymnastics teacher patted her on the tummy and said it was a "fat tummy"

When she was six her dad told her she needed to skip meals

I have tried so hard to insulate her from all that crap and teach her to love her body. I just wondered if I was doing the right thing by not aggressively getting her to be more aware of what she's eating. It's a fine line.

[honey]

Originally posted by 4xmamamia
she doesn't eat a lot of junk, but we do partake in some sweets on the wkends. she cheers, sings in choir, and plays almost daily outside, running around & walking the dog. how she keeps any amount of fat on her body is beyond me, but that's just her motabolism, yk?

she stayed at 125-130 for almost 3 yrs, and recently got on the scale (yesterday) and weighed in at 160. she's 11 and weighs what i weighed as a full grown womyn (pre-babies!). i couldn't believe it. but i didn't dare say a word to her about it.

i'm hoping, for her sake, and only her sake, that the scale slows down for her.

This sounds exactly like my daughter. She is far more active than her 13 yr old sister, who weighs 30 pounds less than her! Genetics plays into it more than anything.

I am also just stunned at her weight. I just didn't say anything either, cause I don't want to cause any shame or guilt or other weird feelings towards food and weight. I know she is going to be very tall and big boned, so a normal weight for her might be a lot more than what seems normal for me. My mom was full grown by age 12...maybe that is what our girls are doing too?

Envirobecca- Thanks for all of the awesome suggestions! I'm going to print out your post.

[Mothra]

Get rid of the scale. Get rid of the idea that she has to be "thin" in order to be healthy. She may never be thin. Let her buy clothes that fit her so that she doesn't have to deal with the embarrassment of wearing clothes that fit poorly or not at all. If money is an issue, thrift stores are great places to find a variety of styles and sizes for little money.

If she is active and eats well then she is healthy if no other problem presents itself. Tracking what she eats just reinforces the idea that there are "good" foods and "bad" foods and if she eats a "bad" food then she is bad. If you send her the message that she is perfect at any weight and she can be healthy at any weight she will listen.

In college I saw so many girls starve themselves. Girls who were already too thin. Those same girls are still starving themselves to be thin, only it isn't working anymore. I honestly think that a lot of the "problems" we see with obesity in this country come from seriously screwed up metabolisms resulting from a lifetime of dieting.

You might be surprised at how normal her eating habits are. I was a beanpole at 13 and I ate constantly; most teenagers do unless they are dieting. Studies have shown that fat people generally don't eat more than thin people.

There is a lot at stake in these formative years. You are obviously concerned for her physical health as well as her mental health. The best thing you can do is to treat her as a normal teenager, not a fat teenager, and focus on teaching her healthy lifestyle habits the same way you would a skinny teenager.

[1jooj]

I was always chubby growing up...then, at exactly your daughter's age, I hit puberty. I grew to my full height by 8th grade. In 6th grade, I was a curvacious, hot little lady--seriously. I remember a teacher being rather disarmed by it all.

Unfortunately, at that point, for me, the damage was already done--many years of being called fat by my own mother, being told I "should be cutting back" on food and doing more exercises (in addition to the daily manual labor of farming), and being called really awful names by my big sister (who weeps over it now) had me thoroughly food-obsessed. And I had so little faith in my personal value to them that there seemed no point in changing it.

Weird thing is, every time I GET FAR AWAY from my family (to another continent), my weight drops to just above "normal"--back to the curvy, hot little lady. Then I come home and get fat again.

I guess what I mean with all this is BE HER BIGGEST FAN, no matter what. For me, school was not an issue. I was always popular and accepted there, regardless of my weight. It was at home where I never felt accepted. Don't be the ones voicing opinions about her body. Her own opinions about it are strong enough.

Marg, you are a wonderful Momma.

[Mothra]

I just wanted to point out that Trim Kids is still a diet and has not been proven to make kids healthier and it HAS been proven that WW, which it is modeled after, does not affect a person's weight over a long period of time. I think that pushing her to do that is still sending the message that she is somehow different than other kids and needs to do something to make herself better. The idea is that she is already just fine the way she is.

[DaryLLL]

Fat runs in our family, my side, dh's side. All 3 of my kids were born big (8, 9, 10 lbs) and got even bigger. When my 1st dd turned 17 she was 5'9" and overweight and suddenly lost 70 lbs in about a yr without trying very hard. She doesn't work out, but she just started eating less, and it was easy for her.

Dd#2 just tuned 16 and is plus size, but she does Dance Dance Revolution every night and lifts 10 lb weights and does crunches. She used to be called Crusher in karate class. She is stunning.

My ds is 12 and adores food and is overweight. Lots of 12 yr olds adore food. He is growing like a weed and craves protein. he drinks lots of organic milk. He has just started lifting weights, inspired by dd. He does eat junk food, but I bet he will get much taller and slim down some too.

Do not reinforce our cultures' obsession with thin-ness. it will backfire. I am sure our kids get enough pressure at school. Mine are homeschooled but get the message thru the media. I try to never make a big deal about weight.

My mom sort of brainwashed me and my sister to diet , she has been a yo-yo dieter all her life. I was thin but unhealthy until I started having kids.

[spero]

Originally posted by 1jooj
Unfortunately, at that point, for me, the damage was already done--many years of being called fat by my own mother, being told I "should be cutting back" on food and doing more exercises (in addition to the daily manual labor of farming), and being called really awful names by my big sister (who weeps over it now) had me thoroughly food-obsessed. And I had so little faith in my personal value to them that there seemed no point in changing it.

Wow, are you my long-lost twin???? This is sooooo similar to my story. And I grew up on a farm, too! I grew up with my bone-thin mom (and her entire family - who all smoke like chimneys to stay thin) always reinforcing the idea that I was FAT. I cannot tell you the number of times I heard, "If you would just lose ten pounds, you would be so PRETTY". My mom was always telling her friends how "heavy" I was - it was humiliating. In reality, I was a moderately chubby (although very active) kid and a curvacious teenager - but I hid under my dad's clothes all through high school, believing by then that I was grossly obese. Even when, as a young adult, I got so thin that people started asking if I was sick, I still saw FAT when I looked in the mirror. It has taken me a good chunk of my adult life to get comfortable with my body; and to train myself to wear clothes that actually fit and aren't 3 sizes too big.

I'm following this thread with great interest. My own daughter is 10 1/2 and has put on a lot of weight in the past year. She is very sedentary in the winter months (like me). We've had terribly cold weather here this year, and she has not wanted to leave the house. Most of her friends are tiny, and it's been a tough year for her - there have been many tears as she has outgrown her favorite clothes and started wearing a bra. I'm certain she'll get her period soon.

Other than not getting enough exercise, her biggest problem is portion control. I've been a lot more watchful lately, don't allow "package" eating, and have shown her exactly how much she should take. I'm also keeping more fruit in the house. I try to steer her gently, so she won't have food/body issues. The problem is DH - he is not so kind, and believes that this is a problem that should be handled bluntly and aggressively. I still believe that she'll outgrow it and just be really curvy like me.

I babysit my 6-yr old cousin, who is overweight. She is about 4 1/2 feet tall and weighs more than my daughter. In her case, it is due to bad eating habits and food issues, period. My aunt (my mom's youngest sister) is the only one in her family a) who was "overweight" (but not really); and b) who doesn't smoke. She got the same raft of sh** growing up that I did, and has lots of issues with food. The only difference is that she caved to the pressure, and has bounced from one fad diet to another since she was about 13 years old. I think she started my cousin on solids WAY too early (2 months). The kid has always had a voracious appetite, which is generally appeased with sweets/high fat foods. One of her first "finger foods" was m & ms. She eats virtually nothing at my house, because I only offer crackers or fruit for an after-school snack. She picks apart EVERYTHING she eats (must remove all bits of carrot, celery, and even chicken from chick noodle soup, won't eat bread crusts, won't eat skins of apples, etc.) and it drives me crazy, but I leave it alone. Her mom often brings her a "treat" when she picks her up - a bag of chips, a large bottle of Gatorade, and often a candy bar. : When her older brother was a toddler, he was treated to a Happy Meal EVERY DAY on the way home from the sitter's - then he ate supper at home!!!!! He was overweight for a long period of time, too. In the past couple of years, he has developed problems swallowing (he has an under-developed trachea); and a life-threatening allergy to eggs, as well. Now he eats virtually nothing, and he's too thin. So they have kids at opposite ends of the spectrum with HUGE food issues.

It certainly is a hard thing to deal with, esp when you and your DP/DH are not on the same page in regard to handling the issue.


edited, b/c apparently I can't spell "virtually" today.

[honey]

If she is active and eats well then she is healthy if no other problem presents itself. Tracking what she eats just reinforces the idea that there are "good" foods and "bad" foods and if she eats a "bad" food then she is bad. If you send her the message that she is perfect at any weight and she can be healthy at any weight she will listen.

Mothra, you are so right. Thanks.

I guess what I mean with all this is BE HER BIGGEST FAN, no matter what.

1jooj- your story brought tears to my eyes. I am sorry that your mother did that to you. You too, skellebelle.

I have promised myself not to do that to her, no matter what.

darylll- I'm gonna buy Dance Dance Revolution. All the kids love to dance, and they'll have fun doing this, I'm sure.

[stayinghome]

Well, I have a lot going through my head here, so bear with me...

I was a chubby girl, from about 5 on. I weighed about 140 , 5'1", in seventh grade. I never got taller, and I'd love to weigh 140 again. Byt of course then I felt fat and every woman in my family agreed, and told me I had to lose wieght and harped on me about it incessently. So I starved myself one summer and lost the weight. Then, I began to eat again, cause I was freaking STARVING, then started binging/purging. The weight was creeping back on, (duh i was going through puberty) and my aunt and mom were shaking their heads and saying "how could you let yourself get fat again?!" In fact my nickname was fatty fatty boombalatti. So, back and forth between starving and binging/purging all through high school, college, and after every single one of my babies was born. So the moral of the story is...

132 is a fine weight. Her body is probably gearing up for puberty, when she'll need the reserves for the amount of growing she'll be going through. She also may just be a more voluptous gal- me at 140 is the absolute lowest I could get to as an adult, even though I'm still so darn short. I think keeping healthy food in the house instead of junk food is really important, and also making exercise not about losing weight but about enjoying using your body and spending time with each other is important. Love her unconditionally and let her know her body is just fine!

I have three girls, and with my history I too worry about eating disorders and weight issues all of the time. There is a good website, www.sfwed.com where you might find some useful information. Good luck!

[daylily]

(((honey)))

As far as clothes are concerned, Land's End has "girl plus" sizes in some of their kids' clothes, so you should be able to find your dd some cute clothes that fit well.

Every one is giving you good advice. My ds, (almost 12) is somewhat overweight, and honestly, it's hard for me to restrain myself sometimes. My own parents, my father in particular, were extremely anxious that my siblings and I be thin and "things that make you fat" was a common dinner-table topic of conversation in our house when I was growing up. So I have my own issues.

We eat mostly whole foods, no fast food, etc. Ds rides his bike a lot and runs around with his friends, but he's definitely chubby. Our pediatrician says that once he hits puberty and starts really growing tall (he's already 5' 2") he'll slim down. I just keep reminding myself of that.

We do have a problem with him using his allowance money to buy junk food at the little shop around the corner. I've talked to him about it, and restructured how he gets his allowance and it does seem like he's buying himself less junk.

Good luck.