WWYD? MIL rant/advice please.

[studentmomma]

I’ll try and keep this succinct, and reasonably unbiased (is that possible?). My MIL has some mental and physical issues which have made it difficult for DH and I to feel comfortable leaving DD with her. DD is 2.5 now and we had decided to give it a go on a very limited trial basis. It didn’t work out. And now I’m wondering whether to explain why (she wants to know, though it won’t change anything), or decrease or cease contact with her. (Really, I’m usually a forgive and forget lady, and I hate burning bridges.)

Background:
I feel bad because DH didn’t really have a relationship with either of his parents when we got married and when I got pregnant with DD, I really encouraged some bridge-building. DH made a great effort and now he and his father have a better relationship than (probably) ever. His mother (who was the more sane of the two parents when DH was a child) and DH still don’t have a relationship to speak of.

MIL had a tragic work injury which left her physically handicapped and on pain meds, which she is addicted to. DH says that she has always embellished the truth, but now she’s a downright pathological liar. She lies about everything – meaningless stuff, people I do and don’t know, us (we’ve found this out the hard way). I really, really dislike being lied to and we feel that we can’t trust her enough because of this to allow DD to stay with her. She’s now lied about DD as well.

Besides issues of trust, I felt like there might be some Munchhausen issues or possibly Munchhausen by Proxy because of MIL's need for attention, her constant trips to the doctor/hospital (which are extreme even with her handicap) and her incessant lying. DD simply is not going back and DH agrees.

She’s also been very manipulative lately – super, super nice to me - which she usually is not – she’s pleasant with me. She’s never been very supportive of our lifestyle choices and very much tried to undermine my BF with DD. So there are the general complaints as well, I guess.

So, I really feel like I’ve had it with her after her latest round of lies (so, so, so many and totally ridiculous but also kind of malicious) but I hate to cut her out of our lives when I really am responsible for her being there to begin with. DH kind of seems to think that I’ve made my bed… (In that I have a relationship with her which I created so now I have to live with it, not in regard to DD's care.)

Her latest email – how we communicate because it’s easier – is full of lies and asks for a response as to why DD isn’t coming, when she might come back. She also asks me some questions which completely call out her earlier lies (which were to make me feel guilty).

So WWYD? Would you respond? Ignore? Be honest or just as ridiculous as she is?
TIA

[jeanine123]

You tried to reach out and it didn't work. It's now time to cut ties if you feel that is best for your family. Sometimes things don't work out no matter how much we want them to and how much we try to make them to. Lying in the bed you made is not a behavior you want to start demonstrating to your DD, especially since she's at an age where she's aware of what is happening around her and is absorbing everything like a sponge. Yes, your MIL likely will not like it one bit, heck, she'll probably have a full blown fit and pull out every lie/guilt inducing accusation/what have you to make you change your mind. But having a healthy family dynamic, and this IMO includes extended family, is more important. You can't trust her alone with your DD and you can't trust her around your DD while you're there. Going back to the sponge analogy, you really don't want Grandma to start teaching your DD how to lie and how to milk a situation for the attention that it brings, nor do you want your DD exposed to her Grandma's addiction.

[Latte Mama]

Life is too short to have toxic people in your life. Ask yourself what positive things she brings to your life?

[sapphire_chan]

I'd tell her flat out that DD won't be with her alone until DD is able to get home on her own because of A, B, and C things that happened, but you'd love for MIL to come with you guys to the park to play on date X.

ETA: Because really, there are plenty of options between "never see her again" and "let her watch your kid" From what you've described, if it came down to who to hold your DD while you ran back to save the cat, I'd choose the mailman over your MIL, but she might be a perfectly pleasant person if you're supervising.

[angelpie545]

Originally Posted by sapphire_chan

I'd tell her flat out that DD won't be with her alone until DD is able to get home on her own because of A, B, and C things that happened, but you'd love for MIL to come with you guys to the park to play on date X.

This. I'm really, really not into cutting people out of your life unless it's an absolute necessity-especially if it's family. So far it sounds like your MIL probably does have a few mental issues, so I would agree it's wise to keep your dd away from her for the time being. I'd send her a polite email like the above poster suggested, gently outlining why you and your dh have *jointly* made the decision to not leave her alone with dd. Having visits in a public place sounds like a good idea.

[SilverLace]

Very similar situation here....

How come your DH isn't doing the communicating? It's his mom. Just because you had good intentions before you knew her doesn't mean you are responsible for maintaining things with her (or making her happy or anything else).

I think you need to hand it over to your DH. If you are already in agreement about what is going to happen/not happen then he can address with her however he chooses. She is communicating with you because she knows that gives her a better chance of getting her way.

These situations do have a way of getting very entangled and prolonged- good luck getting to a peaceful resolution soon.

[studentmomma]

Thanks ladies both for reading and for your advice. I really appreciate it and just getting it out in a neutral environment. I really dislike talking about MIL to DH - especially because he had written her off and then for me to encourage the relationship and then bad-mouth her... well, seems a little unfair.

I agree I don't want to cut her out of our lives - thanks for reminding me that it's not an all or nothing. Limiting visits and supervision do seem to be key here.

Turning it over to DH... well, in that case nothing would happen. He tried to help the situation (went about it in the wrong way IMHO) and has given up. And I kind of understand, she really can't be pinned down, won't answer or just leaves the situation (in person - physically, on the phone - hangs up).

She is a human being and I know she loves DH and DD, so I don't want to punish her for an illness. Limiting contact (as suggested) does seem to help my issues with her while still treating her with love/respect.

Thanks again. I hope I can figure out how to word this email.