Update #14 :DD disengaged & overwhelmed in daycare

[MamatoA]

Help, mamas! I was a SAHM for the first 2 years of DD's life. Two months ago, I went back to work and she started daycare 3 days a week; in another few weeks, she'll be there 5 days/wk. And I don't know if she likes it and am concerned that it's overwhelming for her. DD is 26 months and is a happy and healthly kid. She seems to be a quieter and possibly shy and/or introverted child--too soon to tell and label her as such--and tends to observe instead of jumping in. That's how she's been in classes and playgroups, btw, so the behavior isn't new. She's been there 3days/wk for almost two months; she is cautiously interested when we get there but sometimes cries when I leave and when I pick her up, she is elated to go home. She;s allso really fragile and clingy for the rest of the afternoon and evening. Reports from the teacher and what I've observed (spying through the door) indicate that she does not participate much, does not initiate play with others or by herself, stands back and watches, and does not play, laugh, smile, etc. In essence, she doesn't look comforable there.

As I said, I've just started working and it would harm my professional reputation if I quit, but having a fragile, sad and disengaged kid is a good enough reason for me to quit. I'm working for financial reasons; I don't have to but it's helpful for our family. I'm not looking for a big stay-at-home is better/daycare is better debate, I am wondering if other folks have quieter, introverted kids like this and what they might suggest. I'm not worried about the quality of care really, the staff try to engage and include her but there are 6 other kids so she can't have one-on-one all the time. Thanks, Mamas.

[cakemama579]

OMG, I can totally relate. DS started preschool last month (he's 2.5) and it is a 5 morning/week program. It was a true case of baptism by fire, since I'd been a SAHM with him up until this point.

DS is quiet and observant also, and he literally screamed and cried every day for 3 weeks. It was aweful. He would kick his legs and refuse to sit in his carseat, and literally plead with me to let him stay home and not make him go to school. And when he got home, he would want to nurse constantly, and was extremely clingy. The guilt was unbearable. I questioned our choice to have him start preschool so young, and almost stopped altogether.

But you know what? After the first 3 weeks, there was a change. He gradually stopped crying so hard and actually started to enjoy himself! Now, 6 weeks in to school, he's totally into it-- he even asks to go on the weekend.

My point is, give it time. Your DD will come around. I'm sure she has fun when she gets there. I've heard that it can be harder if your child doesn't go every day-- that the days in between daycare days can actually make the transition more difficult to bear. Maybe when she starts going 5 days it will be a bit more of a routine for her, and she'll know what to expect. I would talk to the day care provider about your concerns. find out what she is really like when you aren't around. Is she crying? Does she stop a couple of minutes after you leave? etc. As long as they seem positive and optimistic, and you trust that she is in good hands, I think all you need is some time and consistency.

Good luck!

[GuildJenn]

Well a few things come to mind.

2 months is a while, but 3 days can be harder than 5 if they're not all in a row. So it might be taking her longer to adjust. I also think if she's an observer by nature she might be content observing - but I also think your gut instinct is important.

I think I would see if it improves. At the same time I'd be thinking about whether you need a different environment rather than no daycare at all. Is she in a larger group with lots of noise? Does the room echo? That kind of thing. You might see if her current daycare could provide her with a bit of "introvert time" helping a teacher in another room or making her a nest in the corner.

[MamatoA]

Thank you for the input, mamas.

[QUOTE=GuildJenn;15908376]. I also think if she's an observer by nature she might be content observing - QUOTE]

True. My biggest concern is how different she is at home where she's comfortable and happy. The observing and standing back at school are just such a sharp contrast that it gives me pause. As for finding another arrangement, that certainly is a possibility. We chose this one because the toddler room is 7 kids with 1 and sometimes 2 teachers. Most places are 14 kids to 2 teachers; I thought the smaller number of kids would be much easier for her.

[GuildJenn]

[QUOTE=MamatoA;15909061]Thank you for the input, mamas.

Originally Posted by GuildJenn

. I also think if she's an observer by nature she might be content observing - QUOTE]

True. My biggest concern is how different she is at home where she's comfortable and happy. The observing and standing back at school are just such a sharp contrast that it gives me pause. As for finding another arrangement, that certainly is a possibility. We chose this one because the toddler room is 7 kids with 1 and sometimes 2 teachers. Most places are 14 kids to 2 teachers; I thought the smaller number of kids would be much easier for her.

I think trusting your instinct is good, as I said.

I was thinking more something like an in-home daycare, if the group situation doesn't work. But I would also give it a bit longer first if you're otherwise happy with the daycare.

[RockStarMom]

We tried daycare when my daughter was 23 months old and it didn't work out--I watched her through the window one day and it was obvious how unhappy she was, and she was always unhappy when I picked her up too. The change in her that I noticed outside of daycare time was an indication as well. I would trust your instinct and find another situation. I was able to find, through a recommendation of a friend, a stay at home mom who was a nanny and it was a great situation. A nanny share is another possibility. Good luck.

[madskye]

What do you think of the caregivers? The ratio is good, but how do you feel about their "quality" in interacting with your DD? Some people are better at engaging kids than others. I would ask them what they are doing to help her transition into the classroom. DD's old daycare (a large center) had a sign on the door that said "Our goal is to make your child excited to come back tomorrow!" and I always thought that was a great attitude to take.

[MamatoA]

Originally Posted by madskye

What do you think of the caregivers? ... DD's old daycare (a large center) had a sign on the door that said "Our goal is to make your child excited to come back tomorrow!" and I always thought that was a great attitude to take.

I have to say that they seem fine but not stellar. I don't get the sense that they are invested or interested in her as anything more than just another child in daycare. Part of it may be that she's so quiet that it's hard for them to connect and get a sense of her.

Many PPs suggested home daycare and I've not had great success with that. I visited a few and two had the television on for our entire visit (we don't even have a television at home so you can imagine how transfixed DD was!) and the third one had an adult son living with her and he seemed, well, odd. This daycare is well-regarded; there is another one but we now can't get in until January. Plus that means another transition for her. We may switch but those classrooms are 14 toddlers: 2 teachers and that seems like an even bigger opportunity to get lost but I guess we'll see. Six weeks is justlike a long time to still be this disconnected.

[Emmeline II]

I would try to observe the other daycare.

Our situation is different (an older child and in school), but ds has a more gentle, involved/accomodating teacher then he had last year and it has made a difference for him (K-1st).

If the overall attitude towards the children is different perhaps the numbers won't matter as much.

[texmati]

Originally Posted by MamatoA

I'm not worried about the quality of care really, the staff try to engage and include her but there are 6 other kids so she can't have one-on-one all the time. Thanks, Mamas.

Haven't read all the responses. Not trying to debate here-- I'm a WOHM FT too, so I get it.

Is other care a possibility-- In home daycare, sitter, nanny etc? I know that all of these have their cons, but it could be that she's just not at the right fit right now.

We have a mother's helper/ college student right now. We've had our fair share of problems, but I've really liked being able to specify some ground rules-- no tv, outside time each day, these are the foods he eats, no sugar, no bottle propping etc. obviously you can't have complete control, but she is my employee, so I get to make the 'house rules', instead of the daycare.

[madskye]

I thought about this some more...if she is in a center right now, I would really put this back on the caregivers and perhaps even the center owner/admin today. It's not unreasonable to want your child to have GOOD days there--you are looking for more than just having her basic needs met. I would ask them what they are going to do to get your child integrated into the class, and eager to go to their center every day.

You mentioned quitting your job...I know that daycares vary all over the country and I have been really lucky with the good ones we've found here (in NJ) but I think having a DCP you feel good about is such a big part of being able to go back to work successfully. Please let us know how this works out, I'll be thinking about you.

[MamatoA]

Thank you, again, Mamas. I grateful for the feedback and ideas. I talked to the lead teacher this afternoon (after picking up DD who burst into tears upon seeing me and ran to me). She said that DD doesn't cry during the day but often appears overwhelmed and stands apart from the group. She also doesn't talk there, even when encouraged. The teacher(s) have to intentionally include her or connect her with a toy or another child to get her to play and even then she is tentative. It sounds like they are trying to spend some one-on-one time with her.... Also, the teacher was pretty positive that DD is adjusting, albeit slowly. I guess she couldn't just come out and tell me if she thought my child was miserable there but that's what I really want to know.

I scheduled a visit at another home care place and will go visit later this week. Maybe that will be a better fit. As for in-home (as in, in our home) care, it's too costly. It would eat up the majority of my earnings.

[nkintzel]

Originally Posted by MamatoA

I scheduled a visit at another home care place and will go visit later this week. Maybe that will be a better fit. As for in-home (as in, in our home) care, it's too costly. It would eat up the majority of my earnings.

Are you sure? I know that every area is different. But I think its still worth looking in to. We pay WAY more for daycare than we did with an in-home nanny. We found a nice woman that was a massage therapist. So, that was her primary income.

Look at www.care.com

We had great success finding nice people there. I think that even though our son isn't particularly shy, it was very good for him to be at home for other reasons.

[MamatoA]

Update: I talked to the lead teacher and impressed upon them that DD is dramatically different at home and really could use more direction and encouragement in daycare right now. They have stepped it up and make sure she is welcomed into the fold each morning. Also, I have started talking to DD about school as we are getting ready to go in the morning, talking about who will be there, asking her questions about what toys or friends she'll play with, etc. Those two things coupled with time have improved her experience at daycare. She seems much more comfortable, is excited and not apprehensive about going into the classroom each day, and genuinely seems happy to be there. That said, we decided to keep her daycare schedule part-time and hire someone to come to our house the other 2days/wk. It's way more expensive but we think DD will benefit from having some days at home. Anyway, just wanted to say thank you again for the ideas.

[~pi]

Mother of an observer/introvert here, too. It took DS months to start talking at daycare. He had been at home until he was a year, then in home care until age 2, when he started at a center.

Things that helped:

- As soon as he bonded well with one of the daycare teachers, he got way more comfortable very quickly. The room had 4 teachers for 15 kids, so it wasn't always possible for him to have her, but it was often enough that she was able to serve as a sort of scaffold for him to get more comfortable with the other teachers as well.

- A steady schedule. Part of what made it so hard at first, I think, is that we had three weeks of vacations scheduled in his early months. It is definitely easier for him to adjust when he has a regular, predictable schedule.

- They got him to start helping them with little tasks, like going to fetch lunch from the kitchen, cleaning up after lunch, etc. He loves to tidy and clean (no idea where it got that from -- certainly not me) and he adores helping, so that seemed to help him a lot.

Best of luck to you! For what it's worth, I'm positive you know your child best, but I just wanted to share that I firmly believed it would be easier on my guy of similar temperament to do a slower, more gentle transition. E.g., we initially started daycare part time, worked up slowly to full time. However, I've since found after going through other transitions that he does far, far better with a fast transition to a steady schedule. It really surprised the heck out of me when I realized that, so I wanted to put that out there.