Originally Posted by Storm Bride
Ami...I'm off to bed in just a minute, and can't stay online long. I just wanted to say that I hear you. I did end up having multiple sections (five) and it was just as scary (in some ways, even scarier) the last time as it was the first time. I'm 18 months out from my last one - and it's my last one, as I also had a tubal - and I'm not "over it"...and it's harder than ever to talk about, because people think I should be. I'm done, right? I "chose" the last one, right? What's the issue, anyway? *sigh*
I wish I had something to say that would help, but I really don't. When a c-section is traumatic, it's traumatic. And, facing more of them, after having a bad experience, is really, really, really hard. I feel for you about maybe not having any more kids, and I feel for you about your sex life (my issues weren't exactly the same, but there have definitely been some screwy sexual issues from the c-section).
I'm sorry you're going through this.
I wonder if we can ever really be 'okay' with it. If there is a way or a time during which we will have fully processed it and it won't remain a trigger. And I totally get that others around don't understand. My husband told me he doesn't feel done. Period. Great. Increase my anxiety. At least, if we were both unsure, I wouldn't feel that pressure, kwim? And others wonder why I went through such a horrible panic cycle. I mean, it's 'just' a c/s. It shouldn't be causing PTSD. One psychiatrist even told me, after listening to my symptoms, that it sounded like I had PTSD, but I couldn't have that, because I haven't been in combat! Needless to say, I dropped her.
Originally Posted by Canadianne
Many hugs, Ami.
I am so sorry that you are going through this. I don't have any wise words to say that will make everything better but I can offer my support as someone who is going through similar emotions. I hate that I am afraid to get pregnant again and the impact that this fear has on my life. I hate when strangers tell me that "two is better" because they have no idea what I went through. I especially hate when friends tell me that "two is better" because they do know what I went through.
As for me, I thought I had processed the fact that I had a section and that it went so poorly. Now I'm realizing that my difficulties connecting with my son are likely a direct result of the fact that his birth was so hard for me. I remember being pregnant and I remember holding my son hours after the surgery. What I don't remember is how he got from my belly to my arms and I'm finding that hard to deal with these days.
I am so sorry, Canadianne. I felt that way after my first c/s. I had to be completely put under, and I didn't see ds until 24hrs later. I barely remembered the first 12hrs post op. Looking back, I am sure I had PPD. It is much more common among c/s moms. This time around, I have PPD really bad, which I chalk up to a much more traumatizing birth experience. Now that I've gotten help for it, I find that my bond with both boys is getting better. I started to feel that same disconnect with Elias, but now with early treatment I feel really bonded to him. It took much longer with my first son. I did lots and lots and lots of skin to skin contact. That and nursing really helped me connect to him. It's hard to admit, but for a long while, I wondered if he was even my baby, because I wouldn't have been able to pick him out of a bunch of babies. He knew me though. So, at least, if I didn't know, he did.
I think it's hard for those who know what happened to really grasp it. Unless you've had a c/s, unless you've had your uterus tear as you did, one doesn't really get it. At least, that's the nicest interpretation I can think of. It hurts too, because, for me, I would love to have lots more kids. I love my children, I'd love to have more. The only thing stopping me is undergoing that horrible, scary birth experience again. And, in a way, it's not fair. And really, really hard.
Originally Posted by _ktg_
*many hugs* Ami! I know that I was/still am a bit in the place you are with the fear of getting pregnant. There is no joy if I would get a BFP, fear would be the first thing which sets in. Are you able to talk with your doula at all and see if there are any local c/s support groups? I found myself healing with these women in person so much more because there was no judgement, because we were all in the same boat. And our doula was great, because she never plays the blame game or if she does its not with us as people trying to heal.
FYI - I had a recent chat with my OBGYN and asked about his thoughts on a possible VBA2C. He was honest with me (thought I would have little success), but that I handled TOL and everything else like a champ and little scarring and adhesion etc. He stated he would be more than happy to take that journey with me for a 3rd TOL. That was a huge thing for me because I value his opinion greatly since this MD has been very (almost brutally) honest with me from day 1.
There's an ICAN, but I'm trying to get control of my anxiety before going there again. So far, my anxiety is lessening, but hearing certain things/seeing certain things/smelling certain things triggers me. This past Friday I took my mom to the hospital because she wasn't feeling well. As we walked in, the smell of the hand sanitizer they use hit me...and took me right back into that L&D room. I was able to breathe through that attack, and after talking about it over and over and over again with friends and family, I've gotten rid of that 'shaky' feeling.
I think I'm in the anger phase of grieving. I'm angry that what should be a joyful occasion (BFP) will be a scary one. I'm afraid of being afraid the entire pregnancy. It's not like, halfway through, I can decide to get off that train, kwim?
I also like the sound of your OB. The ones here weren't happy to give me a VBAC try, so forget VBA2C. From everything the surgeon said though (no rupture, uterus perfect, etc) I don't think it should be a problem. What I'm worried about is the 'what if'. What if it ends in a c/s again? I think the only way I would be completely comfy with another pregnancy is if I could somehow let go of this fear of c/s that I have. But, then again, how does one get over the fear of feeling people tugging on your insides? Of the smells? Of lying there, completely helpless for half an hour or even LONGER. Ugh
Originally Posted by CherryBomb
Ami. I'm sorry you're having a rough time. I'm glad you're doing better, I think recovery has high points and low points. I hope this low point passes soon for you.
It has passed, for now. I think I'm processing through everything, still in the anger phase of grief. This second c/s brought up a lot of undealt with issues from my other two births. It also brought up some new things as well. I just wish I could reach that magical zen place where I am okay with what happened and okay with whatever will happen in regards to possible future births. And if it could happen in, say, 2 days time, I'd really love that!
Originally Posted by AustinMom
Much love sent your way. Sometimes I think that Iwould be better off not knowing that birth can be beautiful and then i wouldn't be so pissed off that mine was everthing but beautiful. You really are doing a great job working through this. At the end your babies will have a complete mama who truly is honest with herself and can raise them to know the real vaule of working through hard times.
Thank you! I totally get what you are saying. It's even harder listening to others' 'perfect' birth stories. One woman was saying how her labor was 'whatever'. She went in at 5cm, had an epi, then she watched tv until they told her to push. Gah, why can't I at least be like THAT????
And I worry what I will tell my boys when they ask about their births. How do I tell it to them without all of my baggage? I don't want them to be scared of birth, either, but I don't want to completely 'normalize' the experience either. Have you thought about any of this/reached any conclusions?