C/S recovery & support thread - Page 2

[wombatclay]

I'm actually tearing up reading some of these posts and I'm 5years out from my c/s.

I think for me the c/s "broke" something emotionally/spiritually. The labor was long, the eagle-eye hindsight made it clear that it wouldn't have happened vaginally regardless of how long we waited, the surgery was done by a pro and healed quickly with minimal complications. But I had PPD and PTSD, almost no real world support, and it was a hard slog back to anything approaching normal.

Then my first VBAC resulted in a lot of physical trauma (shoulder dystocia that didn't resolve with position changes, 4th degree tear leading to hundreds of sutures to "rebuild" my pelvic floor/vagina/anus, scary low apgars and possible ongoing nerve damage to dd2 due to oxygen deprivation, pelvic organ prolapse, etc) and while I was buffered from the worst of the emotional distress thanks to the "yay I vbac'd!" energy... well, that energy wears off. And since I was in pain for a solid year and caring for a toddler and a high needs/special needs infant and working out of the home... it was hard. Not the rainbows and butterflies you hear about in most vbac threads. I'm glad I had that birth, glad I was able to heal some of the emotional wounding of my c/s but it left as many wounds as it healed. And left me in the odd position of being a "problem"... people who were against vbac were all "see? you should have had a rc/s" and people who were all yay vbac didn't want to hear that it was anything other than perfect. It left me very few places to process the birth.

I did have a second vbac last year but I was scared the whole time... scared of a rc/s and scared of a repeat shoulder dystocia or 4th degree tear. It went well but the whole time I was worried and sort of trying to balance worse case scenarios. Not exactly a restful pregnancy.

[MaryLang]

Wombatclay. That does sound like a hard situation. I'm sorry it's been a long time processing.
I am preparing for my 5th C/S. I'm scheduled for 3 weeks from now. 5 days before my EDD.
My first I was determined to have a natural birth. I took all the bradley classes, had my doula, midwife and birth center. After days of posterior labor and 2.5 hrs pushing, my mind and my body gave out, and I had a c/s. They found that my dd's head was "stuck" in my pelvis bone, and all that time I was pushing, I was pushing her into my bone, she had a nice bruise from it. I know logically, there are things I could have done differently, move around more, all those techniques I read about now to help get the baby out of the pelvis and repositioned.
Nonetheless, it is what it is. My 2nd was a "failed" VBAC (never got to the pushing stage). My biggest regret has been this one, not giving it enough time.
3rd one sealed the deal. Planned VBA2C, bleeding placenta previa at 35wks, and placenta problems during surgery (placenta was also anterior).
So 4 and now 5 rc/s.
I think I've pretty much processed through it. I mean I don't feel like any less of a mother or anything. This is just how I birth my babies.
I am terrified of another surgery, always am. Recoveries have been pretty easy though. And I like the hospital I deliver at, they give my baby right to me. Best possible situation if I "have" to deliver this way.

[batlvr]

My first c/s was almost 16 years ago after a hellish labor, pitocin, cord prolapse and a baby that just would not cooperate. I dialated to 9 then just 'stopped' I felt like a complete failure, I was barely 21 and what did I know? I beat myself up for that and still do at times. I *know* there was no other way but I was so angry at myself, at my body for failing me. Now I am expecting my DD and every doc I have spoken to automatically wants the repeat c/s. I am "old" "obese" have "chronic high BP" - although it is medically controlled and has not been an issue even once during this pregnancy. DD is breech and expected to be on the big side (9lbs+). I had my heart set on a VBAC but not one doc is willing to go there. Somedays I feel like I have "potential lawsuit" stamped on my forehead, week after week the docs act like they've won the lottery when my test results come back normal or my sonogram looks good. I am now at the place where I can accept that I am going to have to have this repeat section and it is the safest thing for my baby girl but only 1 person IRL can understand how this makes me feel. My SIL has been a HUGE support to me, no one else understands that this impending section is a big disappointment. Others, even other c/s mommas IRL are like "oh, just have it done, no big deal" but as you all know, it is a big deal and not something we would just sign up for to take the easy way out.

[AustinMom]

Originally Posted by wombatclay

I think for me the c/s "broke" something emotionally/spiritually.

This is how I feel. I'm now 2 weeks out, and feel broken emotionally and spiritually. I feel like I'm in part mad at God for making me wrong and not being able to bring my babies into the world peacefully. I want that for them, and I did everything I knew to do to prepare. Ours was a HBAC transfer for relief after 24-36+hrs (I made it a point not to look at the clock) with back pain from hell, and turns out we had a placental abruption.

I feel like every plan I made to make it a gentle experience was taken from me. The hospital staff were quite understanding about my wishes and did everything they could to do skin to skin in the OR, etc, but with a baby that stopped breathing, it wasn't an option.

It's good to read other's struggles as I really feel like I'm the only one who hurts this way.

All of the, 'well at least you are both healthy', 'look at your amazing baby though' 'at least you skipped hemmheroids', etc are all crap, and piss me off, and really, after the person leaves, makes me only want to hit something.

I'm in a pretty dark place now, as BFing is crap right now. We are actually making our own baby formula today because commercial formula causes issues with her (just like my son, who was sick the first 8 months of his life due to formula), and my milk is still 'coming in' as I wait for my Domperidone to get here from Canada. I can't birth my babies, now I feel like I can't even feed my babies, seriously, at times, what good am I, I wish they had a different mother for these things because my kids deserve better.

I think the more you know about risks, options, and decisions, the more you can be disappointed. I wish I were one of those moms who thought a CS was just another way to birth, and no big difference and formula and breastmilk have minimal differences, etc, so I would just be in the dark and not care.

Sadly, after our birth it's really too risky (I feel) to have another. Being a VBA2C for 'failure to progress', with a previous abruption in labor with NO signs of it, it would have to be an ERCS, which I don't want, and I frankly don't want to undergo this crap again. Not even being able to 'try' for a peaceful birth is worse than trying and failing.

I'm thankful for having a CS as it truly did save both our lives, she was cut off from my oxygen supply, and I could have easily hemorrhaged. But, I would have preferred a simply, peaceful birth of my baby, at home, in the water, into my arms, to my breast, etc.

I think it's evident that I still have some working on this to do.

[CI Mama]

Thanks for starting this thread! My DD's 2nd birthday is on Saturday, and I'm realizing both how far I've come in my healing from the c-section, and also how deep & lasting the wounds are (mostly the emotional/spiritual ones at this point).

Originally Posted by wombatclay

I'm actually tearing up reading some of these posts and I'm 5years out from my c/s.

I think for me the c/s "broke" something emotionally/spiritually. The labor was long, the eagle-eye hindsight made it clear that it wouldn't have happened vaginally regardless of how long we waited, the surgery was done by a pro and healed quickly with minimal complications. But I had PPD and PTSD, almost no real world support, and it was a hard slog back to anything approaching normal.

I can so relate to this. 1) I am totally teary eyed as I read this. And 2) I also had a hard slog back to normal. Not sure I'm totally there yet, but it's getting better.

I just worked up the courage to request my medical records and they arrived in the mail two days ago. I've ready through them several times now. If I had any question that c-sec is major surgery, reading the play-by-play account of each part of me they cut, moved, cleaned, stitched, etc took care of that. Holy crap. I would have freaked out if I'd gotten that info any sooner than I did. But--sign of healing--at this point I can read through the whole thing and feel mostly fascinated, not horrified.

At this point in my journey, the hardest part is envy. I want to be a supportive friend who celebrates my friends' joyful birth experiences. Instead, I have this claw of jealousy & self-pity that grabs my chest and makes me feel ill when I read their FB posts. My congratulations have this wan flatness to them. And I have this weird hope (is that the right word?) that someone I know will also have a prolonged, traumatic birth so that I can relate to them for a change. Did I just say that? It's so petty & horrible!!! Of course I don't want anyone to go through what I went through & I am happy for my friends when things go well. Except for this small, dark, heavy troll inside me that hates everyone who has a nice birth. Ug. I just hope that my weirdness is less legible to my friends than it is to me. It's not who I want to be, but there it is. I hope over time this part will get easier.

to everyone.

[Chamomile Girl]

Aw Austin Mom s.

I had my section after 30 hours of mostly "natural" labor. It was pretty classic failure to progress. I wish I knew why. I think I ended up on the table because the whole thing started with my water breaking, and in a hospital birth you can only hold them off for so long. Plus I had (have) a deep, deep fear of laboring while being strapped to a table. By the end of 30 hours I was given two options: Pump me full of pitocin and strap me to the table or C/S. I chose the latter over the misgivings of my midwife. I honestly can't see how the first option would have led to a vaginal birth anyways given my overwhelming fear of that very senario.

By that time also I was sure that something.was.wrong. I trust my body, and it just wasn't working. I've not yet requested my medical records to see if there are any answers there, but I might do so in the future. Because I had done my research I knew that a section was dangerous and that recovery would not be lightly taken, but nothing prepared me for what it actually was like. I didn't know about adhesions, I had no idea that I would end up with a nasty raised purple scar that will never fade.

Recovery was super crappy. I didn't feel like myself until my son was almost a year old. I still struggle with looking at myself naked because I feel like Frankenmother. I wonder how my husband can still find me beautiful when he actually saw someone cut me open and reach down inside of me .

I do think that women who have a difficult birth (including many C sections) take a dangerous first step towards negleting their needs for those of their child/children. It goes along with what society tells you over and over again: "Well at least your baby is healthy". I am thankful my baby is healthy, but I also want acknowledgement that my health as his mother is just as vital. I mean c'mon!

[JTA Mom]

Yesterday night and today, mentally, I'm not doing so well. I had put out a question on VBA2C providers on my local ICAN group. Had a very unhelpful reply from a midwife. Apparently my choices were asking doctors from a certain hospital (yea, because apparently they are less strict than a homebirth midwife???) or I could get a 'traveling' midwife. Let me get this straight, I am so 'high risk' she wouldn't take me on, but somehow I'm supposed to be safe with some midwife who doesn't know me/has never met me except in labor?

And then a doctor from said hospital responded with 'sure, as long as she had had a previous vaginal birth'. Which, technically, I do have. Except it's not usually counted since I was 'only' 16 weeks.

Which triggered a panic attack at facing a RCS due to no choice. I literally broke down sobbing and telling dh I didn't know if I could do this again. But that I wasn't done with pregnancy/having babies. But I don't know if I can just go and sign up for a RCS. Everything went fine the last two times, but still, wouldn't I be insane for signing up for major surgery again?

How do/did you mamas with numerous RCS do it?

Ami

Originally Posted by AustinMom

This is how I feel. I'm now 2 weeks out, and feel broken emotionally and spiritually. I feel like I'm in part mad at God for making me wrong and not being able to bring my babies into the world peacefully.

I am here too. And I'm 2 weeks out too--maybe this is normal? I got so mad at God yesterday night. Why did he give me the ability to get pregnant easily and then...

....lose one baby by going into spontaneous labor
....give me a serious pregnancy condition, leading to c/s and NICU time for my next baby
.....and finally, give me the most excruciating labor, then watch and feel as my son started crashing between contractions, leading to another c/s

Seriously, why this messed up bs? Oh, and dh and I are not okay with permanent sterilization or abortion (for ourselves).

I seriously wonder what I did wrong to have to face losing a child and facing this terror of surgery. I mean, at least I could have been blase about surgery. Right? Right?

Originally Posted by CI Mama

At this point in my journey, the hardest part is envy.....And I have this weird hope (is that the right word?) that someone I know will also have a prolonged, traumatic birth so that I can relate to them for a change. Did I just say that? It's so petty & horrible!!! Of course I don't want anyone to go through what I went through & I am happy for my friends when things go well. Except for this small, dark, heavy troll inside me that hates everyone who has a nice birth.

I have that troll too. And she's an evil one.

I sometimes wonder why no one else around me has had to deal with this. I have to keep reminding myself that even those 'glorious' vaginal births aren't always good. That sometimes, there are serious physical issues that crop up too.

But then, I will always wonder if it is the same as recuperating from major surgery. I mean, can it ever really get that bad?

Originally Posted by happyblessedmama

I don't think I've necessarily had an easy recovery. I still can't do a lot of the stuff I want to do! I'm still taking ibuprofin and other rx meds (which I'm almost out of)... because I still have pain if I do "too much"... but I don't hit "too much" until it's too late!

I'm hoping soon... soon the pain will be completely gone?

Going back to normal takes a while. With ds2, my first c/s, I didn't start getting back to normal, physically, until about 6-9mos post-partum. Definitely didn't feel 100% physically until 1 yr out. Remember, they had to cut your abs completely apart to get to your baby. It's major surgery, and the physical healing takes time.

For the pain, I haven't had to take any meds for a few days--I think that's all individual. According to the OB & anesthesiologist, I have a high pain tolerance since I don't need much to knock me out. Which scares me a bit, because, well, if I have a high pain tolerance AND I was going out of my mind in pain during the last few hours of labor with Elias--how painful must it have really been?

Originally Posted by palmgal

Now I am starting to freak out about the whole process again. I remember how long it took to start feeling "normal" again after the surgery. I remember how scared I was being rolled into surgery. Not looking forward to it!

Did any c-section mamas get to nurse immediately (i.e. while they were still completing the operation), and was it difficult positioning the baby?

Thanks!

Okay, so freaking out again--normal. Good to know.

I didn't nurse immediately. I think it was a couple hours after surgery? I'm not good with time, but I had to wait in the recovery room for a while before being released to the maternity ward. As soon as I got to my room, I asked for my baby and we started nursing then.

Ami

[MamitaM]

Thank you so much JTA Mom for starting this thread and everyone who's added to it. I think it's helping a lot of get things out and heal,even those of us who didn't think they needed to heal. I don't feel traumatized,but I do feel sad for the things that I had to give up when I chose to have a c-section.

Originally Posted by AustinMom

I can't birth my babies, now I feel like I can't even feed my babies, seriously, at times, what good am I, I wish they had a different mother for these things because my kids deserve better.

I think the more you know about risks, options, and decisions, the more you can be disappointed. I wish I were one of those moms who thought a CS was just another way to birth, and no big difference and formula and breastmilk have minimal differences, etc, so I would just be in the dark and not care.

I think you're kids have a great mother. Most mothers wouldn't make their own formula or find a way to BF or get breastmilk for their kids if they couldn't provide it themselves. Most would just give whatever formula the doc told them to. I personally think I'd be to lazy to make my own formula if I needed to.


For me I needed to know the risks,options and decisions and I needed a written plan. I think it was how I grew up,in foster care where I never had a choice in much of anything and often had no idea what was going on or why and what would happen next. I think my birth would have been very traumatic,vaginal,natural or c-section if I wasn't informed about birth the way I was.

I was so against me having a c-section that I refused to think about much before I went into labor. I didn't do much research so wasn't to sure exactly what would happen and I needed to know,it made me more scared not knowing what exactly was going on when they put up that sheet so I couldn't see.

The worst part about it,was my fear. The fear that I got from a very stupid woman who told me some garbage about a board that they would put on my belly for days/weeks after my c-section and she convinced me that IF I had one I'd never recover,it would take me forever to recover and I wouldn't be able to take care of my baby or myself after. None of this was true! The "board" she was talking about was something like Belly Band and the hospital doesn't give them to you,they are optional. That is what I have anger about. That stupid woman who had no business telling me this garbage about c-sections and not having any confidence in me at all if I were to have a c-section. I actually think it was dangerous for her to tell me that.

The first few days,it's true I needed help to get out of bed to pee,take my baby out of his bed and hand him to me in my bed and things like that. The nurses helped me though.

I know that some mamas do take a long time to feel better or back to normal. I feel much,much better. Not quite back to normal yet though. I'm a bit slow and tender in my belly. It feels lumpy and looks a bit strange. MY steri strips are still on,but they should come off soon I think. I actually see the doctor for my son tomorrow and will have the nurse look at my incision since today there was a bit of blood and ooze that came out. It may not be anything,but I need it checked.

Emotionally I feel great! I'm so happy and feel so lucky! I've wanted a baby for such a long time and had almost given up on the idea of it ever happening. My pregnancy was fairly easy except a couple very minor problems. My labor was easy enough and I never felt in danger,maybe that's why I don't consider my c-section an emergency or traumatic?

I feel so lucky! I kept having this feeling that my son would be well behaved and and easy baby and so far he is. I feel that I struggled so hard in most of my life with different things and now this beautiful,healthy,happy baby is my reward. So,no I don't feel like I failed.

[KayTeeJay]

Oh mamas...I am right there with you. Thanks for starting this thread. My son was born by emergency c-sec in Jan of 09, and I am still not over it. I am expecting again in December and I have soo much anxiety about this birth. I am going for a VBAC, but who knows what will happen.

I have another board I frequent with close friends I've known for years, and two of them are expecting their first. As we were having a csec discussion and I was posting about how hard it was for me both physically and emotionally, another friend asked something to the effect of "why does it matter as long as the baby is healthy?" I adore this person and she truly didn't mean anything by it, but it was like a slap in the face to me. As if I only cared about MY desires and my own birth plan, above even the health of my baby. Again, I know she didn't mean it like that, but it still stung.

[AustinMom]

Originally Posted by KayTeeJay

Oh mamas...I am right there with you. Thanks for starting this thread. My son was born by emergency c-sec in Jan of 09, and I am still not over it. I am expecting again in December and I have soo much anxiety about this birth. I am going for a VBAC, but who knows what will happen.

I have another board I frequent with close friends I've known for years, and two of them are expecting their first. As we were having a csec discussion and I was posting about how hard it was for me both physically and emotionally, another friend asked something to the effect of "why does it matter as long as the baby is healthy?" I adore this person and she truly didn't mean anything by it, but it was like a slap in the face to me. As if I only cared about MY desires and my own birth plan, above even the health of my baby. Again, I know she didn't mean it like that, but it still stung.

In response to things like this and 'healthy baby healthy mom is all that matters', I usually say, 'well, you don't get a good birth experience with a dead mom or baby, and after many births the health of the mom and baby are quite debatable.'

[JTA Mom]

How is everyone doing today?

It is my friend's b-day, so she came over and we had cake.

I must say, getting some sleep helped. A lot.

My mood is much, much better.

For now. It feels like everything is day/hour dependent. My incision is itching like crazy though. I know that's a sign of healing, but I want to scratch.so.bad.

Anyone remember the physical limitation time line? I feel really good 15 days out, but if I remember correctly, I'm not supposed to do certain things (can't remember what those are) before 6 weeks, and even after that.

Ami

[happyhats]

I had a cesearan with my dd, born in December of 2008. Looking back on it I do think a lot of what happened was because she just wasn't ready to come out, but who knows? I'm comfortable with the outcome though. I'm having a second c section this December with a little boy. My doctor is supportive of a vbac, though, so we'll see what happens. I've had complications during this pregnancy and honestly my instincts are telling me that the c section is a healthier/safer route than induction would be. The doctor wants to induce because I've been suffering high blood pressure and it's been creeping slowly upwards as I progress, rather than let me go to and beyond my EDD. I didn't have a bad recovery with my dd, and I'm feeling pretty comfortable and relaxed about the surgery itself, even though I really wanted to vbac before I got pregnant and earlier in the pregnancy. Maybe our body/mind connection really is spot on.

I'm worried about how long I'll be away from my daughter, since cesearan mommas usually stay longer at the hospital. I've never been apart overnight at all from her. I'm lucky to have support close by and my hubby can take vacation and fmla if necessary to help me during recovery, but I'm still worried about my ability to care for two little ones on my own. On one hand, my hubs was unemployed for a while when dd was born so caring for a newborn on my own is scary anyway, and secondly the idea of two little ones is just overwhelming no matter how I deliver my little man.

[MamitaM]

I had a great day today! I'm now tired and my back and shoulders are a little sore. I met a new mama friend and her baby for a coffee then her husband joined us and we went for dinner. My first dinner out with my son! The new friend gave me a Moby and I wore him and BF'd in public for the 2nd time since he was born.

When I got home I pumped! I pumped a whole 5 ounces and I'm so proud! It's not for my son,it's for my new friends daughter and I hope to be able to keep a nice supply so I can keep pumping for her and feed my son.

We're not supposed to lift anything heavier then our baby for 6 weeks. We're also not supposed to exercise,except walking pretty much and have sex for 6 weeks.

[JTA Mom]

Originally Posted by happyhats

Maybe our body/mind connection really is spot on.

I'm worried about how long I'll be away from my daughter, since cesearan mommas usually stay longer at the hospital. I've never been apart overnight at all from her. I'm lucky to have support close by and my hubby can take vacation and fmla if necessary to help me during recovery, but I'm still worried about my ability to care for two little ones on my own.

For the first part--I totally believe that this is true. With this baby, I set up everything to VBAC. Chose a provider who wanted me to go for it, the OB I got on call was totally hands off, etc. However, before my anatomy u/s at 26 weeks, I had a weird dream. In it, I "saw" Elias and just knew certain things: that he'd be bigger than his brother (yep--by 2 lbs), that he'd be darker complected than his brother (yep), that he'd have hair unlike his brother (yep, lots too!), and that he'd be another c/s. In the dream I was totally at peace with this. Awake, it worried me a bit, but I chalked it up to pregnancy fears. That said, my body labored very gently for a long time. Only when they gave me pitocin to speed things up did Elias do badly. I think my body must have known that he couldn't tolerate close contractions--naturally, after 50hrs, they were no closer than 4-5min.

As long as your dd has someone she knows and feels comfy with, things should be fine. While I was in the hospital, there was no rooming in allowed. So at night, dh spent it with ds. My mom helped put him to sleep, and he was comfy with her. She also did a lot of the day child care, as did my sister. Basically, they pitch-hit whichever time slot was needed. This worked because my mom works part-time and my sister is a student.

That said, get help. LOTS and LOTS of help. This is major surgery. I feel like physically I recover(ing) a lot faster than with my first, but with 2 little ones it's easy to forget to eat or drink enough. And it took me a few days to figure this out. In the meantime I'd crash--literally, I felt weak and about to pass out. Again, totally normal post-major surgery. At the very least, make up stations so that you won't really need to move much the first week or two. I also found (find) Netflix on demand very, very helpful. I don't like how much tv my older son is watching, but it keeps him in one room and entertained while mommy is nursing/healing.

Originally Posted by MamitaM

I had a great day today! I'm now tired and my back and shoulders are a little sore. I met a new mama friend and her baby for a coffee then her husband joined us and we went for dinner. My first dinner out with my son! The new friend gave me a Moby and I wore him and BF'd in public for the 2nd time since he was born.

When I got home I pumped! I pumped a whole 5 ounces and I'm so proud! It's not for my son,it's for my new friends daughter and I hope to be able to keep a nice supply so I can keep pumping for her and feed my son.

We're not supposed to lift anything heavier then our baby for 6 weeks. We're also not supposed to exercise,except walking pretty much and have sex for 6 weeks.

Congrats on the Moby!!! Wraps are so nice at this age. Although I can't wait for this little one to get some neck strength so I can switch to my sling. I always feel like I have to re-wrap the sling each time I take him out.

I've already broken the lifting rule. Well, kind of. I am sitting on my couch and will pick up my 30lb toddler. I don't know why, but my abs feel really strong--almost like I didn't have a c/s. Totally different than with my first one.

The not exercising thing is wise but I'm getting restless. Any other mamas feeling this way? I want to go out and DO stuff. I want to start exercising again. Maybe it's because the SPD that I had during pregnancy is gone, so now that it doesn't hurt to move I have all these months worth of physical restlessness to get out. Of course, I am NOT channeling that into cleaning. No desire to do that, and well, if I did clean, it might give everyone the idea I'm fully healed and ready to be on my own. Which I am so not. I can feel that my body is still healing, and any pushing I do right now would not be wise.

Mentally, I find that after getting some sleep, I am doing better. I'm not crying about my c/s every day (more like every other day). I think my biggest 'issue' is the whole VBA2C. I did not get my VBAC, and I did labor 50hrs, but I still want the chance to labor again. I don't know why, but I do. It might be a control thing. I don't like choices being taken away from me, for no reason.

Ami

[Friday13th]

I'm so, so glad to see this thread. I'm a little more than 3 months out from a failed HBAC and I've been staying away from the birth board ever since. I always blamed DS1's section on us making some bad decisions on the bad advice of our hospital midwives and I was SO SURE if I just made the right choices this time around I'd have the peaceful, beautiful waterbirth I'd always wanted. Well, DS2 and my body had other plans. We labored at home for over 24 hours, 10 of which were spent pushing involuntarily. In the end DH and I made the call to do the section without trying the pitocin the hospital offered (DS's heartrate dropped every time I pushed) and DS came out screaming and pink and nursed right away so by deciding when we did we avoided the most traumatic part of DS1's section which was a limp, grey, meconium covered baby and a 7 hour seperation before we could nurse. We were not bullied or pressured into it and I trust our midwife's guidance entirely. I think this was a case of something going on in utero that was making DS2 unable to descend, there is nothing noted in the surgical report but I'm positive there was SOMETHING that was going on.

I recovered physically really quickly and easily from both surgeries and I'm feeling okay with this birth as of right now. What makes me so sad is that DS1's could have been avoided and everyone I talks to seems to think there's something wrong with me because I've had two and I just want to scream and shake them and say "They were totally unrelated, it's NOT ME!"

And as much as I'm ok with with what happened, I think we're done having kids partly because of it. I was always up in the air about having a third but I can't imagine trying and failing again and I also can't imagine just scheduling a section so I think that's it.

Austin's Mom, I remember you from some other VBAC threads and I'm so sorry it didn't happen.

And I have that angry little troll inside me too, I'm glad to hear it's not just me.

[CI Mama]

Hi everyone,

Today it is exactly 2 years ago since my long labor day from hell...the 24-hour period during which my labor went from feeling "normal" to being a friggin' disaster. I still feel sad that my hope for an "empowering" I-can-do-it birthing experience died on this day. I got a very humbling experience instead...and 2 years out I can honestly say that there are great gifts to humility and I'm grateful for those gifts...but dang it sure would have been nice to start my parenting journey feeling a little less broken, depleted, and exhausted.

A close friend just gave birth yesterday. I was able to post a sincerely enthusiastic "congratulations" on her FB page. Good for me! I'm trying to cut that inner troll some slack, just let it do its thing inside my head a bit, then get bored and leave me alone.

I've been poring over the medical records I got from the hospital earlier this week. One thing I never knew before was that DD's Apgars were 4 & 7 and there was meconium in the amnio fluid. Somehow I've been under the impression that she came out "just fine" and I've chided myself for not pushing a little bit longer and trying a little harder for a vaginal birth. Now I actually feel like I made the right decision at the right time. I'm glad I didn't put her through more distress before making the decision to go with the c-sec.

We go through a lot to bring our babies into the world. For some of us, that journey is particularly difficult, but we do it, and then we heal ourselves in the best way that we can. I think there are parts of that journey that only another mama who has BTDT can really understand. I'm glad there's a place where we can share our stories and support each other. I'm proud of us!!!

[AustinMom]

I'm good today. Physically, I've totally broken the 10lb rule, I've picked up my son many times and he's almost 30lbs. I've also carried groceries, etc. I feel fine physically. The only thing is I have this weird nodule type thing above my incision on my right side, it's not on my left, and it's really tender, sore, about the size of a ping pong ball, and hurts when I move sometimes. i don't know what this is. After our last CS, I am terrified of having surgery again, and of course, that is where my mind is leading me. I know that if I had surgery I'd go under general of course, but the recovery, it's crap, and I think compared to a lot of other moms, I have very quick recoveries. But those first few days, week after are....well, y'all know. So I'm dealing with that, we go see the OB who did the cesarean next week I'll bring it up then.

Thinking about birth, I yes, did everything I could to plan, and be in control, etc. I know every mom has to loose control pretty much at some point in her birth, maybe mine has to be through surgery and trauma. I had the same thing with my older son. I was in control, on top of everything, until the 'decision to incision'. Maybe that's what birth is. Loosing control before you enter motherhood with this new child, to teach yourself that you can't be in control of them any more, they are their own person. I know, sounds hoakey, and cheesy and not what a lot of women want to hear, but for now, it gives me peace, and hope it does to at least one other person.

[Friday13th]

Originally Posted by AustinMom

Maybe that's what birth is. Loosing control before you enter motherhood with this new child, to teach yourself that you can't be in control of them any more, they are their own person. I know, sounds hoakey, and cheesy and not what a lot of women want to hear, but for now, it gives me peace, and hope it does to at least one other person.

This really resonates with me because I am a giant control freak and a planner. DH pointed out to me that it's ridiculous to think I can control every aspect of anything let alone something as huge as birth. It helps to think that this was something out of my control, not a mistake I made.

[AustinMom]

Originally Posted by Friday13th

This really resonates with me because I am a giant control freak and a planner. DH pointed out to me that it's ridiculous to think I can control every aspect of anything let alone something as huge as birth. It helps to think that this was something out of my control, not a mistake I made.

I'm glad it helped. I know that with everything I knew, our Midwives knew, and the OB knew, we did the best for the situation. It sucked. It was crappy, and not what we planned, but whose to say it was supposed to be much worse, but God has hand in it to make it the best way possible. Considering she was still at -2 at the time of surgery, it most likely would have been more hours and hours of labor (I know, it very well could have been shorter) and then plus being a first time pusher, potentially hours there, and it could have caused more issues directly after birth than the surgery did. Who knows? I have to submit to the fact that, even now, looking back, I'm not in control, and I can't 'solve' what happened to prevent it again for happening, and I never will. I can't change it, or fix it, or do anything to 'heal' any faster than what I'm doing now. i'll just submit to the process.

[StarMama]

I've got a scheduled c-section due to placenta previa coming up, and thought I'd join in a little ahead of the game here. I'm petrified of a c-section! I've got two vaginal births under my belt and am so so upset I have to do this.