"I hate you!"

[MacKinnon]

My DD1, 6 yo, has recently begun shouting "I HATE YOU!" at us. This happens over everything, and is often followed by "You don't LOVE me! You HATE me!" and wailing/sobbing tears. Today's meltdown was caused by the TV being turned off, after numerous warnings, one at the beginning of the show, and several during the course of the show. Her 3yo brother has started to say the same thing and it's driving us crazy! We sat down and talked about the meaning of "hate" and how she might be feeling frustrated, angry, sad, mad, etc. but that "hate" was generally not the feeling we have when it's time to get dressed. We also talked about how she could never do anything to make us hate her, etc. This all started about a month before my due date, reached a peak the week after DD2 was born (which we expected) and has tapered off to this consistent level of anger. I know we've had a lot of changes, and we were willing to ride it out for a while, but we're a month out from DD2's birth and DH and I both feel that it's time to start working more seriously on curbing the "I HATE you's!!" from everything from what undies are clean, to what's for lunch, to it being time to go. She is constantly waking her sister by screaming. Help!

[AllisonR]

Just wanted to reply. Seems like two issues imo. One, your DD2 was born just a month ago, so the changes DD1 has right now are HUGE - and will continue to be for months to come, until everyone is firmly planted in the new family dynamics/routines.... I don't think you can do much about this. She is still going to have intense feelings over an intense situation. Plus, unlike you, she has no control over the new baby or the situation, which can be pretty powerless.

Two, seems the "I hate you" has become a routine, a bad habit. Habits are sometimes hard to break, and can take time. So keep doing what you are doing - helping her find better expressions like saying angry, frustrated, mad... Maybe also become totally neutral to "I hate you" (easier said than done.) But your DD may be looking for attention, and in her book, "bad" attention will be better than no attention at all. So you could ask her to express herself differently, then tell her you won't reply to her if she keeps saying "I Hate you". Then don't. Don't get mad, just don't react at all. Continue to address the current issue of turning off the TV or getting dressed... and completely disregard the "I hate you", maybe at some point bring in your own, "more appropriate" words - like "Wow, you are really angry about not having the TV on". And then when she makes breakthrough by saying something better, even if you don't want to hear it, like "I am so mad that DD2 was born. She ruined my life" - then tell her you are glad she can express her feelings. Validate her feelings "Yes, I can see you are mad" Give her a hug and talk about it "what makes you most mad?" and then listen.

[starlein26]

Originally Posted by AllisonR

One, your DD2 was born just a month ago, so the changes DD1 has right now are HUGE - and will continue to be for months to come, until everyone is firmly planted in the new family dynamics/routines.... I don't think you can do much about this. She is still going to have intense feelings over an intense situation. Plus, unlike you, she has no control over the new baby or the situation, which can be pretty powerless.

It's tough. My 6 year old had just as hard of a time adjusting to his second sister as my 2 1/2 year old. (Except we heard: I want my sister to die so she isn't in our family). Ugh. This lasted almost a year (yikes, I know). Lately, he tells me he loves her and wants her to stay (yay! finally). My third is 1 1/2 and most aggression has calmed down a lot. My second was INSANELY jealous for over a year. HARD.

BUT, my kids are INTENSE...so you may have more luck with things improving sooner!

[GoBecGo]

My intense 4yo got a sister 4 months ago and we have a bunch of this sort of thing (i hope you die in your sleep, you're a horrible vile baby, and, today, i'm going to stab baby in the eyes with this ("magic wand"/chopstick which i took off her immediately). She screams and cries and rages too. Her whole world got tipped upsidedown, and i don't really think a month (or 4 months) is enough time to process that. One day the "before DD2 came" time will be a distant memory and THEN her sister's presence won't feel like such a slap in the face and THEN she will have less rage and pain over it all.

For now we just reassure "well i DON'T hate you" and give consequences "if you say you will stab your sister with that then i have to take it away, i can't risk that" so she understands words have MEANING and POWER and you can't just say whatever you want and there's no consequences. FWIW she HAS thrown a hard toy at her sister, so if she makes a threat i address it. I offer her the chance to sound off by screaming wordlessly into a pillow. I tell her it's ok to feel pain but it's not ok to hurt other people with it.

This is a hard time for us all, but i see she does love her sister and is mainly gentle and sweet with her, and i am confident it will pass, but it will take i would say, at least a year.

[beachcomber]

My ASD 4 year old had a hard time when her baby brother came home from the hospital. She often asked me to take him back, put him away, etc. She's recently told him she doesn't love him, doesn't want him in the family anymore, etc.

If it helps, this kind of dramatic acting out is fairly normal for new sibling adjustment. It's hard on us as parents, but eventually things will improve.

The only thing I can suggest is that you make sure to make time every day to spend just with your 6 y.o. Do things SHE likes to do. Play whatever games or read stories or eat popcorn or go to the park with just her. Let him know she's still special and central in your actions not just your words, if you know what I mean.

Good luck, Mama!