Do you ever feel like you never really knew your x?

[GranoLLLy-girl]

X comes to get the kids today to take them to lunch and a movie.
While we are in the garage--he makes a joke which was pretty funny and it actually made me laugh--it was like old times...and suddenly, I guess the emotion just hit me and I just blurted out: I don't understand you. You make jokes and act like nothing ever happened. Why on earth couldn't you just work things out for the sake of this family?

And he says: you are only saying that because you didn't get what you wanted.

WHAT? What did I want? Oh yeah, a family intact. Yes, you are right--that IS too much to ask for. Especially when one day you wake up and your spouse just leaves. No explanation other than: I don't want this life any more.
Seems to me like he got what he wanted DESPITE what was best for our family--what we NEEDED.

I am just baffled.

Anyone else with an X who lives in an alternative universe? I truly don't get him at all. He just left. wth?

[smeep]

Oh, mama. I do understand your situation a lot. My ex who left me about a year and a half ago just up and walked out on me as well. He literally just packed his stuff and left. No warning, nothing. While he wasn't my son's father, he was definitely becoming a parental figure to my son, so we essentially WERE a family (he had been living with us for several months). To this day, when I think about it, I feel like I didn't know him. After a couple months I realised that he left because he was scared...and then one early morning when he came over while messed up on adderall or something of that sort - awesome, I know - which acts as a veritaserum for him, he admitted (without me EVER telling him I suspected it) that he left because he was scared. And then the adderall wore off and he detached again. I was an idiot and continued to see him (unofficially) for several months after he walked out on me and then he pulled one last thing and I was DONE. I stopped all contact. He was no longer the person that I thought I knew...or else he was that person, but the person he was showing me had just been hiding all that time. I don't know, and I don't care anymore. Finally, a year after I totally cut all contact, I'm content. Yes, he screwed us over and treated us horribly and doesn't even see what he did, but I'm over it.

My recent ex (the father of this child) is someone I really didn't know. We weren't even officially dating when I got pregnant (bc failure, go figure ) and so we tried the dating thing and then, because my lease was up and he lived an hour away and a million other reasons, I moved in with him. He kicked me out about a month ago, after pulling an incredible amount of terrible things on me. He's an alcoholic (on the more "mild" side I would say, but definitely alcoholic), he's selfish, he put me in dangerous situations, etc. I definitely did NOT know that guy at ALL, but I never really had the chance to. Because of what my ex (above) did and because my son's biodad was never involved, this time it was a LOT easier to get over it. I'm still angry, but I'm not sad...I don't WANT him, and I'm so glad that I don't. I can't imagine where I'd be emotionally if I still wanted him.

I really, really hope that you get to a place where you no longer WANT your ex. Anyone who can just up and leave like that, without any warning or explanation, is NOT someone you want around. I know you're thinking of so many of the good things, and that's a good thing to do if you guys are going to have a good relationship for the sake of your children, but you need to remember that if he was willing to just throw it all away without a warning, that is NOT someone you or your children need to be living with. Imagine if he changed his mind and came back? You might always be worried that he would do it again. That can tear up relationships, between you and him as well as your children and him. It's not something you need hanging over your heads...it is one of the worst fears I have ever felt, and it sticks around at all times. You can ignore it for a few minutes, maybe even a few hours, eventually maybe a couple days, but it sneaks back in and hurts your heart all the time. It's not a way to live. Trust me.

[RollerCoasterMama]

I feel the opposite...like he never really knew me. There are whole parts of me he never bothered to learn about. HUGE giant parts of me that I'd have been happy to share, wanted to share. But it takes a conversation and he was afraid to talk about his own issues so he wouldn't open that door. I've since begged him to talk to SOMEONE so he gets some of that sorted out. But he won't. Some macho - I don't talk to anyone about my problems - crap. Which, btw, applies to the partner of 10 years. Apparently it's more fun to fester alone.

You wouldn't think that in this day and age you would have long-term marriages where the other person is still a stranger in many ways...but I had one.

I suppose it runs two ways. Since he never would open up, I don't know how he really feels about the big issues that were off-limits to talk about. The issues that handicap him with relationships going forward and hurt his self-worth.

I don't mind privacy--I'm a private person myself. I don't even mind keeping one's past in the past, but I do know that this will affect how I deal with any future partners if there are any.

[haydn'smommy]

I totally get ya. My STBX just sprung it on me a couple of months ago...."I don't have any feelings for you. I'm not attracted to you. I can't stand being around you and I'm tired of working on this marriage." I was blown away. In some ways I still am. We still live together right now and we sit around and laugh and joke and talk and I want to scream at him, "WHY? What is so bad here? What is wrong with you that you don't want to be part of our family anymore? Why did you just give up?"
I feel like I never knew him. The man I thought I knew didn't believe in divorce without a damn good reason. The man I thought I knew wasn't a quitter and would fight to the death for what he thought was right. The man I thought I knew wasn't the best husband or father, but he loved us and wanted to be with us.
I don't know this man.

[lilyka]

At first I thought "how could I have been with him all this time and never known he was this kind of guy?" but then I realized it was all right there all along and I should have been able to see him for who he was even through the lies. i just didn't want to see it. I wanted to believe I had married a good and noble man, generous and giving and devoted to family. Honest and full of integrity. Not even close to any of those thing. But who wants to admit the person they are stuck with is the opposite of all that? Although the fact that he was actually having sex with another woman....That shocked me even after knowing they were in love with each other for five years. I thought he at least had a little self restraint there.

[Ceinwen]

Originally Posted by RollerCoasterMama

I feel the opposite...like he never really knew me. There are whole parts of me he never bothered to learn about. HUGE giant parts of me that I'd have been happy to share, wanted to share. But it takes a conversation and he was afraid to talk about his own issues so he wouldn't open that door. I've since begged him to talk to SOMEONE so he gets some of that sorted out. But he won't. Some macho - I don't talk to anyone about my problems - crap. Which, btw, applies to the partner of 10 years. Apparently it's more fun to fester alone.

You wouldn't think that in this day and age you would have long-term marriages where the other person is still a stranger in many ways...but I had one.

I suppose it runs two ways. Since he never would open up, I don't know how he really feels about the big issues that were off-limits to talk about. The issues that handicap him with relationships going forward and hurt his self-worth.

I don't mind privacy--I'm a private person myself. I don't even mind keeping one's past in the past, but I do know that this will affect how I deal with any future partners if there are any.

This is how I feel. I know my exh like the back of his bald head, he's very easy to read, and is exactly the same person I met close to eleven years ago.

I feel that he doesn't know me at all. Still doesn't. And even though he's the one that caused the eventual demise of our marriage - almost two years out, he's found ways to spin it on me and make it my fault. It kills me, and I completely internalize it.

Therapy anyone?

[Everrgreen]

Well, my ex changed, so he isn't the same person I married, he has totally lost control of his life and is so so different. And, no, I definitely don't know him anymore. There have been times when I've seen him and I'll see glimpses of the man I married. We have had moments where it feels like it used to. We had a good marriage and I wish he hadn't made the choices he did to throw what we had away. I don't think I will ever really understand who he is now and why he did what he did.

[meemee]

well i discovered a completely different side to ex that i had never seen before. that shocked me. how can one change 180 degrees i dont know.

however in a sense i felt i knew him and still do on a different level. and he knows me. in fact the day he discovered the real me that's when he withdrew. he's the kind of man who needs to be 'needed' but unfortunately 'i walk alone'. due to our cultural differences he couldnt see that side of me.

he was never planning to get married and have kids. so i know how much it takes out of him to be a dad. he doesnt want to be a dad and yet he wants to be there for dd. he wants to be free but his love for his dd ties him to her.

ex left when i was pregnant. i mean he was there in person but emotionally he was gone. i know it wasnt easy for him to do it. he felt extremely guilty but he couldnt not do it. staying in our marriage was more torture than being alone. and i respected that about him. i wanted him to be happy.

being alone initially was torture for me. but as the years passed and life went on and i started exploring i found how i was now really free to follow my dream. i could not follow my dream and be married to him.

inspite of all the anger and emotional abuse i still feel the connection from ex. and that will always be there.

while i was in your place after we went our ways, once i discovered we were actually a better family separately than together - a lot of pain and hurt healed.

[Halfasianmomma]

Yes, I did feel like I never quite knew my X, though to my credit, X lied to me, to himself and to everyone else during the entire marriage. It's only when I started to discover his lies that I started to realize I was not only married to a stranger, but also to a psycho. It was AFTER I left that his mother saw fit to show me old correspondence and pictures dating back from a period in XH's life before me that confirmed that X really has some kind of psychological disorder, not that it excuses anything.

Finally, reading his correspondence to a friend, discussing the details of his brother's murder really drove it home for me. I never knew who I was married to.

[mommy_to_2angels]

I knew exactly who my ex was....and chose to ignore it in hopes that he would step up and change when our daughter came along. Then I stayed....and stayed and stayed.... He has not, nor will he ever change.

[Gremco]

I knew all to well who he is. I was just in denial.

[doubledutch]

Originally Posted by RollerCoasterMama

I feel the opposite...like he never really knew me.

and . . . even though i SHOULD have known him, i didn't really, for most of our relationship, which is why i stayed in it for so long. once my eyes were opened, it was over.

[GranoLLLy-girl]

Originally Posted by Halfasianmomma

Yes, I did feel like I never quite knew my X, though to my credit, X lied to me, to himself and to everyone else during the entire marriage. It's only when I started to discover his lies that I started to realize I was not only married to a stranger, but also to a psycho. It was AFTER I left that his mother saw fit to show me old correspondence and pictures dating back from a period in XH's life before me that confirmed that X really has some kind of psychological disorder, not that it excuses anything.

Finally, reading his correspondence to a friend, discussing the details of his brother's murder really drove it home for me. I never knew who I was married to.

Holy cow, Batman! Why on earth didn't his mother show you that stuff BEFORE he married you?!

[GranoLLLy-girl]

Originally Posted by haydn'smommy

I totally get ya. My STBX just sprung it on me a couple of months ago...."I don't have any feelings for you. I'm not attracted to you. I can't stand being around you and I'm tired of working on this marriage." I was blown away. In some ways I still am. We still live together right now and we sit around and laugh and joke and talk and I want to scream at him, "WHY? What is so bad here? What is wrong with you that you don't want to be part of our family anymore? Why did you just give up?"
I feel like I never knew him. The man I thought I knew didn't believe in divorce without a damn good reason. The man I thought I knew wasn't a quitter and would fight to the death for what he thought was right. The man I thought I knew wasn't the best husband or father, but he loved us and wanted to be with us.
I don't know this man.

This. This. THIS. No kidding...THIS. TOTALLY. Word. For. Word.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!:angr y

[Halfasianmomma]

Originally Posted by GranoLLLy-girl

Holy cow, Batman! Why on earth didn't his mother show you that stuff BEFORE he married you?!

She'd done it with the two previous girls, and they never listened to her, so she kind of gave up. They (the previous gfs) thought she was making stuff up because XH would convince them that his mother was a tortured valium addict. Heck, I believed that lie for a while, until I got to know her and we totally clicked. Even know, I consider my ex-MIL a good friend.

Also, ex-MIL and ex-FIL didn't know we were married till after the fact. They just thought I was another girl, passing through. There had been quite a few before me. Through ex-MIL, I found out I was wife #3 (when I thought I was the first)..but nothing shocked me as much as reading XH's words, describing how he'd kill his brother and stash the body in a false wall inside a house they were renovating. It was chilling.