I'm sick of the back talk, ignoring rules, talking over me

[Jade's Mom]

Ok, I need some help. GD is not natural to me. My instincts are more of the sit down, shut up and do what you're told route. But, I believe strongly in GD, so I need to constantly work at it to override my instincts.

My daughter is 4yo. I've just had it with the back talk, saying no to everything, doing whatever she wants when she doesn't like the answer, hitting, talking over me and yelling when she doesn't like what I have to say, refusing time outs, etc.

Both of my friends' 4yos seem to be going through the same thing, so I'm trying to remind myself it's normal for this age, but how do I let her know in a gentle way that this behavior is not acceptable? I'm trying to lighten up about some of it figuring if it's just a stage, I'm better off not battling with her if she's just going to grow out of it. But, my fear is if I don't address it now, she'll learn it's ok behavior.

[LynnS6]

I think it was about age 4 when I began using a lot of the ideas in Playful Parenting by Larry Cohen, along with How to Talk So Children Will Listen.

Essentially, what I try to do (note, I don't always succeed and break down and yell at my kids more often than I'd like):

1. Model the behaviors I'd like to see. (Maybe this is one reason why my kids yelling at me sometimes doesn't bother me. I can't well get mad at them for something I do. )

2. Call them on it when they're being rude (and yes, they call me on it too!). "Hey, that was rude. Did you mean "Mom, can I have a drink please?"" or "I can see that you're very angry, but that's not appropriate." Now that they're a bit older, I ask to hear the polite words, and get them about 50% of the time.

3. Act more, say less. Sometimes just going over and taking their hand without a word helps. 4 year olds are discovering the power of words and will sometimes argue just to hear their own voice sometimes!

4. Master the 'waiting for the bus' technique (I think that comes from the Secret of Parenting). Act as if I know they will do it, and wait without emotion for them to comply. No talking once the directions are understood.

5. Turn things playful. Example: "If you do that one more time, I'm going to... I'm going to.. scream." They'll do it, put on your most dramatic scream.

[Juvysen]

My 4 yo is doing the same thing.

[Jade's Mom]

Thanks for the tips. I have Playful Parenting and How to Talk so your Kids will Listen, but haven't read them yet.

Can you explain #4? I'm not sure I understand.

Thanks

[LynnS6]

I don't have the 'Secret of Parenting' in front of me, but as I remember it, it's like this:

"Dd 5 minutes until bath time."
"no! I don't want to take a bath!" (ignore)
"Dd, 2 minutes until bath time."
"No, I'm not going to take a bath." (ignore)
"Dd, I'm running your bath water now."
"No, I'm not coming!"

You, start the bath water and wait for her in the bathroom. Calmly and without emotion, as if you're waiting for the bus. 9 times out of 10, she'll come in. (I've even had dd stomp up to the bathroom declaring she's not taking her bath, but undressing as she goes!)

I use this for things like leaving the park. I wait for a minute (after having given warning), and then start to walk slowly away. I don't do this as if I'm going to abandon them, but as if "of course they will follow". And they usually do. If they don't, stop however far away you feel comfortable and just wait.

So, the emotional space you put yourself in is "I'm waiting for the bus." Waiting for the bus is calm and boring.

[provocativa]

one of my favorite playful techniques is to tell my 4 year old that she lost her manners. look in your pocket for your manners, maybe they're there. oh no, you lost your manners! go look under your pillow for them and come back and ask me when you've found them.

[janasmama]

Lynn, I wait for the bus too! I've never heard it called that before though but I like it, it has been one of my most effective parenting tools with three very different kids.

It is a tough age and I like to remember the little idea that as parents, we have to learn to take it one more time than they can dish it out. And then we have done it!! Everything is good until the next 'phase' comes. Because it is just that, a phase....and you know this.

As for being firm, quiet, temperamental, loud....we are all different people and even when we share the common idea and practice of GD we are still who we are and that makes up part of our parenting style. I used to get frustrated that GD didn't come so easy to me....or so I thought. But when I really stopped doubting myself and the difficulty that I thought parenting was, all the things that I would intuitively apply are ideas written in the most popular parenting books and I've never even read them!! And then it doesn't seem so hard to apply them because we can be confident in ourselves that we are doing the right thing, making a conscious choice and using our present awareness rather than running on old fumes from our 'past' family.

[babygrace]

I am going to adopt the 'waiting for the bus' technique, but I am quite sure my 3.5 yr old will have me wondering if I am on the wrong route cause the bus ain't coming! Seriously, he is the master of ignore. Not sure what approach would work best with this personality type.

[lookatreestar]

LOL i wait for the bus too! i have never heard it called that!

[Jade's Mom]

Originally Posted by provocativa

one of my favorite playful techniques is to tell my 4 year old that she lost her manners. look in your pocket for your manners, maybe they're there. oh no, you lost your manners! go look under your pillow for them and come back and ask me when you've found them.

That's a great one! I'm going to try it. Thanks

[janasmama]

Originally Posted by provocativa

one of my favorite playful techniques is to tell my 4 year old that she lost her manners. look in your pocket for your manners, maybe they're there. oh no, you lost your manners! go look under your pillow for them and come back and ask me when you've found them.

I do this too but use the word 'ears'...."Where did you put your listening ears?" Usually they laugh and sometimes dig them outta there pocket and then put them on. Sometimes they don't....

[columbusmomma]

Totally taking notes!

[mom2happy]

Originally Posted by janasmama

It is a tough age and I like to remember the little idea that as parents, we have to learn to take it one more time than they can dish it out. And then we have done it!! Everything is good until the next 'phase' comes. Because it is just that, a phase....and you know this.

Everything will be under control till ...... whoa- the next phase.
It usually smacks you upside the head and your spinning, then you'll figure that one out till the next one.
I always try to tell my self when one of my kids is going through one of these things, this too shall pass!
We are in a nitty gritty one now with one of them. I think its closing in on a tranquil time though, but.... then of course my other one will have his turn.
Never a dull moment.