Inconsistency with phone "visitation"

[Amy0417]

Hi everyone. My DD is three and her bio-dad lives in a different state. I have sole custody. Bio-dad doesn't have any visitation because he lives far and has no interest in visiting her. This is fine by me. To replace visitation we came up with an agreement that he could call every Monday at 7:00pm. He is very inconsistent and I don't know if it is good for DD. Last week he called for the first time in 6 weeks. He called at 9:00 pm so he didn't get to talk to DD because she was already sleepy. I tell him constantly to please call at 7:00pm and no later. Anyways, he'll go weeks without calling her and then he'll be perfectly on time for weeks in a row.

Is this bad for DD? I don't mind it because he's not a good parental role for DD. He has been into some "dirty" things that I'd prefer not to mention. DD knows who he is but sees my bf as a "real" father figure and bio-dad as a friendly voice over the phone. I don't know if I should encourage him to be consistent with his calls or let him go?

[Smithie]

If you are being civil and reasonable whenever he does call (which it sounds like you are), then I don't think you need to change anything you are doing. If your DD recognizes the difference between Daddy (the man raising her) and a guy she talks to on the phone who contributed half her chromosomes (your ex), then probably it's just YOU being stressed out be the inconsistency, bc SHE has no idea that guy-on-phone is supposed to be behaving any differently! I would just not make a big deal of it either way.

Obviously, there will be a need for more in-depth discussion when she's older. But hopefully by that point she will have a secure and loving parental bond with your current partner and that will give her some emotional insulation from the things she'll eventually need to be told about her biological father.

[VocalMinority]

If the way you present things is accurate - he doesn't want face-to-face visits and you don't do anything to frustrate his phone contact - then just accept that it's out of your control and this guy is not going to be a significant part of your daughter's life.

Even if he called regligiously every Monday at 7pm, she's still 3 and phone contact is simply not that meaningful - and won't be, for several years. And, at 3, NOT getting a weekly phone call at a certain time is ALSO insignificant. This is neither hurting nor benefitting her, especially if there's another man around to perform the function of "Daddy".

You cannot make your ex care enough to call. So don't waste time or emotion imagining what you could do, to effect that.

[HappyMommy2]

I would probably stop answering the phone on Monday nights after 7:30 (or just screen him if you have caller ID). That way he just misses his chance, and you don't have to have the conflict with him.

I agree with pp's to just let it go. If he calls, ok. If he doesn't, ok.

[Oriole]

Originally Posted by HappyMommy2

I would probably stop answering the phone on Monday nights after 7:30 (or just screen him if you have caller ID). That way he just misses his chance, and you don't have to have the conflict with him.

I agree with pp's to just let it go. If he calls, ok. If he doesn't, ok.

I just wanted to say that I don't think screening the calls is a good thing. If you don't have the time to answer - one thing, but purposefully ignoring seems passive agressive, kwim? Not a healthy way to approach any relationship, not even the one with your child's father. Also, I don't see the op posting much about a conflict. Arguments don't seem to be an issue here.

I wouldn't limit the phone calls, and answer them as they come.

[Amy0417]

Hi everyone.. thank you for your insight. You made me realize a lot. If he does call later than 8:00pm I either answer or text him telling him it's too late and she's in bed (which she is). Other than that I never prevent communication between them. He did call last night and mentioned that he accidentally forgets to call because he's too busy. Goodness... if I were too busy to accidentally forget to parent

[VocalMinority]

Originally Posted by Amy0417

Goodness... if I were too busy to accidentally forget to parent

Exxxxxxactly.