So this afternoon I was watching TV. DS comes in, flops on the sofa beside me and kicks off his shoes. I ask him to take them to his room, put them away and put on his slippers. He goes to his room and returns with the slippers. I ask him "Did you put the shoes away properly, side by side?" Because his usual method is to get to the door, then throw in the shoes (or book, or toy, or whatever it is he has to put away). Anyway, he answers yes, so end of story.
Until tonight when I accompany him to his room to put him to bed. I notice that there is one shoe under the window, and the other nowhere to be seen. Eventually it turns up under the bed. "So you didn't put them away properly like you said, you told me a lie." "Well yes. I wanted to watch the program you were watching". So I told him I was angry and disapointed, that I don't like lies, and that every time he lies to me, he is teaching me not to trust him. I also told him that since I was angry with him he wouldn't be getting a goodnight from me (cuddles, story, etc) and I walked out. He was upset, but as typical in this period, he seems to be upset because he is not getting something he wants, rather than caring about having done something wrong or disappointed his mum.
THis is becoming something of a habit. He will tell little lies, "harmelss" lies, usually to cover up something. "Have you washed your hands?" "Yes" but he hasn't. He doesn't seem to care much about the issue of trust, and it is hard for me to demonstrate mistrust... also because I really do want to believe him every time, and trust, unconditional trust seems to me to be essential in any love-based relationship.
What can I do to make him understand how important this whole issue is to me? And how can I understand what the underlying philosphy is (if at all he has one) in his continuing to think that lip-service is all that's required of him?
Until tonight when I accompany him to his room to put him to bed. I notice that there is one shoe under the window, and the other nowhere to be seen. Eventually it turns up under the bed. "So you didn't put them away properly like you said, you told me a lie." "Well yes. I wanted to watch the program you were watching". So I told him I was angry and disapointed, that I don't like lies, and that every time he lies to me, he is teaching me not to trust him. I also told him that since I was angry with him he wouldn't be getting a goodnight from me (cuddles, story, etc) and I walked out. He was upset, but as typical in this period, he seems to be upset because he is not getting something he wants, rather than caring about having done something wrong or disappointed his mum.
THis is becoming something of a habit. He will tell little lies, "harmelss" lies, usually to cover up something. "Have you washed your hands?" "Yes" but he hasn't. He doesn't seem to care much about the issue of trust, and it is hard for me to demonstrate mistrust... also because I really do want to believe him every time, and trust, unconditional trust seems to me to be essential in any love-based relationship.
What can I do to make him understand how important this whole issue is to me? And how can I understand what the underlying philosphy is (if at all he has one) in his continuing to think that lip-service is all that's required of him?
! I do let him manage his space much as likes, he puts in what he wants where he wants (the shoes could have been beside the bed, under the window, under the desk, near the door, wherever) but putting stuff away straight - PJs folded, shoes side by side, papers stacked etc seems to me just ordinary everyday tidiness! I will have to think about this.
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He may not be as tidy as you for a number of reasons not necessarily controlled by him. I do know that my children have helped me learn to be the one who can flex a bit more instead of trying so hard and putting forth so much effort to change/shape them to my own liking. For me, not provoking my children to yell, lie, etc. is just as important to me as being loving and gentle.
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