Does it bother you

[Ceinwen]

if your ex is mad at you?

I have no idea why this bothers me.

For some reason, my ex is upset w/something I said (I told him my brother and his girlfriend were expecting a baby, and something along the lines of it was giving me baby fever - and that I couldn't wait to have another one)

He literally said 'whatever', hung up on me, and has been ignoring my calls and text messages all day (I'm still not sure why this bothered him - he has always known that I would love to have more kids one day - it's something we used to argue about)

Anyway, I have this awful feeling in my stomach. It's like even though we've been separated for close to two years (next spring), anytime he's upset or angry w/me - it' still gets me all worked up. Now I'm worried about it, it'll bother me all week until it's resolved.

I always worry he'll do something dumb (like what, I don't know - very vague feelings) and I'm always trying to keep the peace, and keep him happy.

I'm calling my therapist tomorrow to start seeing her again (we had tapered down, but there's lots going on in my life that I want to talk to her about) and I'd really like to get to the root of why his unhappiness affects me so much.

Anyone else? Do I need to just get over it? Do we need to stop talking? I try to foster a good relationship w/him for the kids... I'm getting close to the point though where I'm going to tell him to take a brisk walk and not talk to me unless it's specifically about the kids.

Gah. There's more to it. He has no friends (none, nada, zip), his family is interested in him as far as our kids are concerned, and he has no siblings (one sister who lives out of town) - he tells me stuff. About work, his hobbies, whatever.... and he'll even say 'it's not like I have anyone else to tell this to'.

Which of course makes me feel incredibly sorry and sad for him. It really does, it breaks my heart. It also makes me feel like crap, because - if you don't want to talk to your ex-wife... then don't. Anyone get this?

Sorry this turned into a novel. It's all mixed up in my heart, and I don't know what to do.

[StephandOwen]

What a tough spot. I would strongly suggest tapering down on the communication with him. You don't need to play these games with him. Nobody wins with them. Just don't talk to him about stuff other than what concerns the kids. If he gets mad about something, let it roll of your back. You are not in charge of his happiness. If he wants to spend his life being grumpy, then let him. But smile on and let it go

As for whether it bothers me if ex is mad at me? Nope. Not a bit. Heck, I wouldn't even know if ex is mad at me! Even in the beginning (I left him almost 7 years ago) I didn't let it bother me because I just told myself that I cannot be in charge of his happiness and I wasn't going to waste my life worrying about what he thought of me. If he wants to be mad at me, let him. But I'm not going to sit here and listen to it!

[singin'intherain]

My ex used me as his sounding board for the first two years after we split up. I listened to his "feelings" for hours, not wanting to upset him and start trouble. My friends told me that our boundaries were not healthy, but it took me starting to see someone else for him to stop regarding me as his emotional crutch. He said the same stuff to me about not having anyone else to talk to. Bah! Try to disentangle yourself from this situation. Not having to be responsible for your ex's emotional well being, not being strapped into his emotional rollercoaster anymore- that's one of the pillars of single motherhood. You MUST get an emotional divorce in order to move on to the healthy life you and your dc deserve.

[lilyka]

I think you should stop talking to him about stuff so personal. I know I wouldn't want my xh to say something like that to me. It would sting in so many places. You saying it to him signifies you are moving on with out him and didn't and don't need him. It might also stir up shame in his inability or unwillingness to be there for you or something. I know my xh is always crabby towards me when he has been with his girlfriend. I used to be able to tell when they had been together when his shame and guilt would be expressed toward me in anger and hatred. He still does it. No I do not get upset when this happens. I know he hates me. I am used to it.

I would keep your communication to the absolute necessary stuff. shallow. impersonal. etc.

[meemee]

Originally Posted by Ceinwen

I'd really like to get to the root of why his unhappiness affects me so much.

I can answer the 'why' for myself.

I was struggling with this when one of my friends came to my rescue. he told me 'just coz you no longer are married doesnt mean you are no longer connected'. it is a different kind of connection but it still is there.

whew!!! that gave me a lot of peace. and helped me understand a lot.

i really truly do feel connected to ex in a different sorta way. i am not in love with him anymore nor would i ever want to get back with him, but i still love him and i still admire the person he is - under all the darkness and anger he surrounds himself with.

ever since i asked ex to leave a year after he asked for a divorce and then hemhawed - i've only known anger from him. in the beginning i was mostly angry with him. today i go thru phases of anger.

but my underlying emotion is compassion. ex shows all his worse to me, he struggles but tries really hard to be present for dd. but he has gifts and kindness that he only shows certain persons.

we had a deep deep connection, but his inner monster could not handle it. he is lost too much in his own misery. even initially when we were separating he said he knows he will never ever have the same kind of connection we had. even though he cheated on me (kinda) i knew he would have many gfs but he would never settle with any of them.

he has been a dark tormented soul since he was 5. just that makes me cry for him. when my bil thanked me for doing such a good job with dd as he watched my then 5 year old happily interact with family and friends, he told me how dark and depressed ex was at that age. it made me cry. really.

in a sense ex is my 4 year old son now. i have set up boundaries i dont let him cross, but i do put up with a lot which i dont feel like i am putting up with.

in one sense i have understood him in ways no one has. in a sense he has understood me in ways no one has. when our relationship was going strong it was beyond great. we had this perfect understanding, perfect respect. but the day he understood i 'walked alone', that while i loved and cared for him deeply he was not necessary for my happiness something snapped and changed forever.

one day maybe we can sit and have a meal together. but it still hasnt happened yet. i would like that very much. he is a great friend to have in your life. and i would love to have him as a friend once again.

[butterfly1976]

I have to echo what someone said about the emotional divorce needed. Who would want to even be friends with someone who says whatever and hangs up a phone on someone??? Maybe it's just me, but I can't stand behavior like that. You're done with him relationshipwise. It's not your job to be his friend or anything like that. I understand about being civil for your kids' sake, but that's it. My ex used to be nice sometimes, then other times he was very nasty.

I remember after we split, and he couldn't hold a job. I remember going through the papers looking for him work or others would tell me about jobs. After awhile, I realized it wasn't my job to take care of him for ANY REASON. If a man doesn't have a job (my ex) or friends (yours) or whatever, that's his job to fix, not yours.

I get the whole being civil thing (if it's possible) but other than that, you don't owe him a damn thing. So many of us single moms still allow our ex's to control us and it's not right. Our energy would be better spent making our lives and our babies lives better. Remember, a lot of times it was these men who made the choice to walk away. My daddy used to say, you made your bed, now sleep in it.

[mommy_to_2angels]

I feel the same way, honestly. My ex is almost completely alone. But I've had to back off. It was interfering with my relationship with my bf. I feel bad, but I can't be his emotional crutch anymore. He has to learn how to survive on his own.

[Ceinwen]

Originally Posted by singin'intherain

My ex used me as his sounding board for the first two years after we split up. I listened to his "feelings" for hours, not wanting to upset him and start trouble. My friends told me that our boundaries were not healthy, but it took me starting to see someone else for him to stop regarding me as his emotional crutch. He said the same stuff to me about not having anyone else to talk to. Bah! Try to disentangle yourself from this situation. Not having to be responsible for your ex's emotional well being, not being strapped into his emotional rollercoaster anymore- that's one of the pillars of single motherhood. You MUST get an emotional divorce in order to move on to the healthy life you and your dc deserve.

Yup. This is it exactly - emotional sounding board. That describes the situation perfectly.

Originally Posted by meemee

I can answer the 'why' for myself.

I was struggling with this when one of my friends came to my rescue. he told me 'just coz you no longer are married doesnt mean you are no longer connected'. it is a different kind of connection but it still is there.

True. Unfortunate, but true. I have a lot of sad feelings for my ex.

Like I described above - no friends, limited contact with family, he's lonely and isolated, he's in bad shape physically (over eating due to depression I'm sure)... At the same time, he's really dragging me down, I'm going to need to make changes.