Tell me (and my dh) about how much time you spend caring for your home.

[UrbanSimplicity]

Dh and I have a load of troubles and this is perhaps one of the smaller ones. But it's the one that is really bothering me right now. I would like to know how much time a day/week you all devote to keeping your home looking . . . .well, however you want it to look!

Tonight as I was quickly passing a damp cloth (water and lavender oil) over the bathroom floor (which is all the cleaning it will get this week) I said in a sort of light tone, "ya know, I'm sure your mom cleaned from top to bottom, with bleach, etc. I do such a quick half-@ssed job compared to how some women clean." Well, let's just say I regretted it because he launched into his very tired argument that I care SO much about the house and kids and not for him. Do I think it is possible for a woman to "love" her home more than her dh? I guess perhaps. Am I that woman? No. Like I said, we have a lot of issues but if you could just humor me and give me a quick look at how much time caring for your home actually takes (i think) i will find the affirmation I need. Which is that I am taking good care of our home, not that I am obsessing over it.

Just for reference I am a SAHM, we are unschooling, no family around, 5 hours of childcare/week, and dh and I have a shared business, and I have my own business also. Small apartment.

What I do:

make 2 beds - by standing on them and throwing the blankets in the air, they pretty much stay where they land. 3 minutes.

feed animals - 2 minutes

unload dishwasher (once a day) - 5-10 minutes

clean kitchen after breakfast - 5 min
clean kitchen after lunch - 5 min
clean kitchen after dinner (incl. sweep)- 15 min

tidy through day? barely.

dh helps me tidy up before bath time for about 10-15 min. then i finish up while dds are in bath. after dds are sleeping - i do only what i choose! no work, just movies, reading, whatever. I'd love to hang w/ dh but he is never around . . .that's another story I guess.

dh does cat box while he gives dds bath - 3 min
dh does trash each night - 3 min
dh does recycling 2x week - 5 min

vacuum once a week 15 min
dust once a week 5 min
bathroom once a week 10 minutes

laundry - we drop off 2 huge bags 1-2/month, dh and i split this job, we either pay to have it washed or wash and fold ourselves. (depending on what we can afford).

Looks like 1-1.5hrs of work per day for me. about 20-25 minutes for dh. I take a lot of short cuts and have a very small apartment. When friends come they think my space is so clean (really it is just better organized than their spaces) and yes, I do put everything back in it's home at the end of the day because I like it that way and I like to relax in a clean space and it is good for my kids to have a clean slate each morning . . . .and if not it very quickly turns into a disaster.

You know what? I don;t even really fold our clothes! They are just stuffed in our drawers!

We are a family of 4 (plus cat plus bunny) living in 500sq feet, with used furniture from craigslist because we are broke, and damn! we have a nice place and I am proud of it! It is one of my accomplishments and dh gets all worked up about it. BTw - there are many times - like now - that the place is a huge disaster, in fact this happens almost daily but I spend 20 minutes putting everything away at the end of the day. Is this so unusual?

[swd12422]

No help here... I opened this thread b/c I thought it was going to be an argument from your DH that you don't spend enough time... That's my problem!

[Phantaja]

Goodness. I live ALONE and I spend about 1.5 hours a day (off and on) taking care of my house. Scrubbing the sinks, cleaning the bathroom twice a week, mopping, sweeping, dusting, etc. When I was a SAH(step)M, I spent about 3 hours a day on housekeeping.

[happysmileylady]

make 2 beds - by standing on them and throwing the blankets in the air, they pretty much stay where they land. 3 minutes.--I don't make beds, none of us do. I don't see a point in it because a) they will just get messed up again in 12 hours anway and b) no one, absolutely no one will see them but us and we don't care what they look like. Not to mention, DH and I don't even HAVE a bed set, just a bunch of mismatched sheets and blankets

feed animals - 2 minutesI also don't feed our animals-the dogs are DH's responsibility and the cats are DD1's responsibility

unload dishwasher (once a day) - 5-10 minutesI JUST started doing this, only because with being at home with a 2 year old, the dishes can pile up in the sink very quickly. But some days it just doesn't get done. Doing the dishes at night is also one of DD1's chores (she's 14) so if I don't get the dishwasher unloaded in the morning and rinsing off and putting my dishes in through day, she gets it unloaded and loaded back up at night. If I need something out of it, I just take it from the dishwasher, no biggie.

clean kitchen after breakfast - 5 min
clean kitchen after lunch - 5 min
clean kitchen after dinner (incl. sweep)- 15 min
I don't clean the kitchen after every meal, I just take care of the specific mess generated by the meal, might do a quick counter/table wipedown if something particularly made a mess. The full clean/wipedown is part of the "doing the dishes" chore of DD1s. Sweeping and mopping, I try to do once a week, but really I do it only if I happen to see that it needs it.

tidy through day? barely.This I DO do, only because with a 2 year old, if I don't, we can't WALK through the house by the end of the day

dh helps me tidy up before bath time for about 10-15 min. then i finish up while dds are in bath. after dds are sleeping - i do only what i choose! no work, just movies, reading, whatever. I'd love to hang w/ dh but he is never around . . .that's another story I guess.

dh does cat box while he gives dds bath - 3 minCat box is also DD1's chore-the cats are totally her responsibility, because they are her cats
dh does trash each night - 3 minAlso my DH's chore
dh does recycling 2x week - 5 min
We don't have recycling pick up, I will turn paper to the bin when I am headed past it, but I don't have a clue where other recyclables get dropped off, so I am a bad person who just doesn't recycle them

vacuum once a week 15 minAlso same here
dust once a week 5 minUm, rarely. Though, I will randomly run the vacuum over the dusty stuff while I am vacuuming, probably once a month or so.
bathroom once a week 10 minutesJust whenever it needs it, and that could take 15 minutes, or an hour. We have 3 bathrooms, so it also depends on if I am doing one or all. And sometimes DH does this

laundry - we drop off 2 huge bags 1-2/month, dh and i split this job, we either pay to have it washed or wash and fold ourselves. (depending on what we can afford).DH is responsible for his laundry, DD1 is responsible for hers, I do mine, the 2 year old's the newborn's and family stuff (like towels and stuff.) probably about once a week, and it takes probably half an hour to an hour.


I have to say that when you start off by saying that you were passing a damp cloth with water and lavender oil over the bathroom floor, I can imagine where your DH is coming from. Obviously I can't say I know, as I am not really there with you, but cleaning a bathroom floor, for me, is a quick sweep and then run a mop over it. Doing it by wiping it with a cloth AND including lavender oil, that's way more work that I would ever put into it. And, my bathroom floor gets that sweep and mop only rarely, when it appears to need it. And then when you add that bit about half ****** it when you are doing that, well, it kinda comes across, to someone who sees wiping the floor with a cloth as a lot more work than necessary, as being somewhat of a martyr. Again, not saying that's what's actually going on, just stating what I see from your post.

[dbsam]

Wow…I think you have it fairly stream-lined and do not spend an excessive amount of time cleaning. Also, the fact that your children are home all the time makes it even more difficult...I think a 5 minute job can take twenty with constant interruptions.

I am also a SAHM, no child care at all, no family help, but my children are in school and our house is larger than yours. I do not have a business but spend a lot of time on volunteer projects. I am cleaning all the time and the house still isn’t clean or organized enough. I am repeating the maintenance or daily chores and never getting to deep cleaning. My husband is irritated that I am always cleaning late at night but also irritated that the house isn’t clean enough…I can’t win Now that my children are in school my goal was to have everything done during the day and enjoy the time with the children after school and my husband after they go to bed…it’s not happening yet.

[llwr]

I spend more time than that, and don't even seem to have anything to show for it! I think it's great that that's all it takes for you to have a clean, well organized home.

[UrbanSimplicity]

Originally Posted by happysmileylady

I have to say that when you start off by saying that you were passing a damp cloth with water and lavender oil over the bathroom floor, I can imagine where your DH is coming from. Obviously I can't say I know, as I am not really there with you, but cleaning a bathroom floor, for me, is a quick sweep and then run a mop over it. Doing it by wiping it with a cloth AND including lavender oil, that's way more work that I would ever put into it. And, my bathroom floor gets that sweep and mop only rarely, when it appears to need it. And then when you add that bit about half ****** it when you are doing that, well, it kinda comes across, to someone who sees wiping the floor with a cloth as a lot more work than necessary, as being somewhat of a martyr. Again, not saying that's what's actually going on, just stating what I see from your post.

Thanks for detailed response. Just need to clarify, I do not sweep or mop the bathroom floor - it was just EASIER after to pass a damp rag (that i had just used to dust the apartment) to pick up all the hairs and dust accumulating in the bathroom - really, it was a 5 minute job to dust and 2 minutes to bend over in the bathroom. To me essential oils are not fancy, they are what i use to clean (no soap or sprays, just tip the bottle on a rag and go!

I feel good having the bed made. Hospital corners, um, no. Tuck the pillows in? Nope. It's worth the 3 minutes to me.

i think i'm realizing that its not so much the time that bugs him, but the fact that i dont miss a day. like, i do the bed super quick, but i do ALWAYS do it. it bugs him.

[UrbanSimplicity]

Originally Posted by dbsam

...I think a 5 minute job can take twenty with constant interruptions.

LOL! i realize i did not allow for interruptions! Yes, most days unloading the dishwasher takes 10 minutes. But then there are the days it takes 30!

[choli]

Originally Posted by UrbanSimplicity

I feel good having the bed made. Hospital corners, um, no. Tuck the pillows in? Nope. It's worth the 3 minutes to me.

i think i'm realizing that its not so much the time that bugs him, but the fact that i dont miss a day. like, i do the bed super quick, but i do ALWAYS do it. it bugs him.

I'm with you on that - for the sake of the couple of minutes it takes to make a bed, compared to the difference it makes to the appearance of the room, it's well worth it.

Taught my kids to make their own beds as soon as they were physically capable. We never leave the house in the morning with the beds unmade. I WOHM and also live in a small space, though not as small as yours.

[happysmileylady]

Originally Posted by UrbanSimplicity

Thanks for detailed response. Just need to clarify, I do not sweep or mop the bathroom floor - it was just EASIER after passing a damp rag to dust the apartment to then use same rag to pick up all the hairs and dust accumulating - really, it was a 5 minute job to dust and 2 minutes to bend over in the bathroom. To me essential oils are not fancy, they are what i use to clean (no soap or sprays, just tip the bottle on a rag and go!

I feel good having the bed made. Hospital corners, um, no. Tuck the pillows in? Nope. It's worth the 3 minutes to me.

If it's easier for you that way, than it's easier. To me (and perhaps to your DH?) getting down on the floor and wiping the floor by hand with a rag, I just can't see it as easier. And if essential oils are how you clean, then that's fine. It's not what I am used to, is it what your DH is used to, or would he have a reason to see them as fancy? And, if you like the made bed, that's fine too. That's ok if it's worth the 3 minutes to you. Does your DH like the made bed?

I ask because you said your DH said you care more about the house and kids than him. That says to me that you are doing more work around the house than he really cares about. That probably means that the things you are doing are probably beyond his standards of cleaning. If he doesn't care if the beds are made and he thinks essential oils are fancy and that getting down on the floor to wipe it by hand with a clothe is a lot of work, I can see how he might think that you put more work into the house than necessary.

And again, I just want to be clear that I am only trying to help you see it from his perspective. What you describe in your post, I don't think is in the arena of obcessive at all. I think your standards are perfectly normal, but if your DH's are much lower, he could be seeing some of the things you are doing as beyond what's necessary.

[UrbanSimplicity]

i dont think his standards are lower. he occasionally cleans the bathroom - its quite a sight, he empties it and uses a hose to spray everything, including the walls, down. when he does clean, he is super thorough. The reason I brought up his mom is because I think she had a "use bleach and strong cleaners everywhere" sort of style. No dusty corners. Does he care if the bed is made? No. But he doesn't spend his day here. The girls and I have 3 main places to "be" in my place - at the kitchen table, the living room couch/floor or on the bed. Notice I didn't say "bedroom". There is only 2 beds behind a wall. Our friends come over and play/jump on the beds. It's small here. And I am home so I keep it the way I like it. And I do not believe it eats up so much time as to be a problem.

Seriously, it is his one big problem with me - that he is "fourth" - first the girls, then the home, then him. And I am trying to tell him his problem with me is not valid. Trust me, his transgressions against me are much greater, if I elaborate we'll have to move this to the Parents As Partners forum.

[CariOfOz]

Originally Posted by UrbanSimplicity

Tonight as I was quickly passing a damp cloth (water and lavender oil) over the bathroom floor (which is all the cleaning it will get this week) I said in a sort of light tone, "ya know, I'm sure your mom cleaned from top to bottom, with bleach, etc. I do such a quick half-@ssed job compared to how some women clean."

I often put a damp microfibre cloth on the floor and 'clean' it using my foot

What I do:

make 2 beds - by standing on them and throwing the blankets in the air, they pretty much stay where they land. 3 minutes. I make my & dh's made when I get up in the morning... I think 3minutes is an overestimate unless you REALLY make the bed. I simply pull up the sheet & blanet on my side, the pull his side up as I get dressed.


unload dishwasher (once a day) - 5-10 minutes I unload the dw first thing in the morning, and throughout the day as dishes are used they GENERALLY go in. It gets turned on at bedtime. so about the sameish.

clean kitchen after breakfast - 5 min
clean kitchen after lunch - 5 min
clean kitchen after dinner (incl. sweep)- 15 min I put breakfast & lunch dishes straight in the dw after the meal, about the only 'cleaning' I do is wiping the counters off. I don't think 20 mins of scattered kitchen cleaning a day is overdoing it.

tidy through day? barely.

dh helps me tidy up before bath time for about 10-15 min. then i finish up while dds are in bath. after dds are sleeping - i do only what i choose! no work, just movies, reading, whatever. I'd love to hang w/ dh but he is never around . . .that's another story I guess.

vacuum once a week 15 min
dust once a week 5 min
bathroom once a week 10 minutes I vacuum almost every other day, as well as sweep/swiffy the tile areas every day. I dust whenever I happen to notice something needs it lol, and bathrooms do not get cleaned as often as they should

laundry - we drop off 2 huge bags 1-2/month, dh and i split this job, we either pay to have it washed or wash and fold ourselves. (depending on what we can afford). This one kills me. I do at least one load of laundry every.single.day. Which includes hanging it out.. and sometimes it even gets folded All up that'd be about 45mins or so, divided over the day.

Looks like 1-1.5hrs of work per day for me. about 20-25 minutes for dh. I take a lot of short cuts and have a very small apartment.

We are a family of 4 (plus cat plus bunny) living in 500sq feet, with used furniture from craigslist because we are broke, and damn! we have a nice place and I am proud of it! It is one of my accomplishments and dh gets all worked up about it. BTw - there are many times - like now - that the place is a huge disaster, in fact this happens almost daily but I spend 20 minutes putting everything away at the end of the day. Is this so unusual?

Bolded bits mine, You say he's not around when you'd like to hang out? I don't think that's another story... it sounds like he's busy doing whatever it is he is doing nd you're caring for the kids etc... and when HE is ready for your undivided attention, you have stuff that needs to be done. IMO that's kinda tough. I don't think it sounds like you spend ridiculous amounts of time cleaning.. I think if you dig into it, his problem is WHEN you are doing it (which makes it seem like a lot to him I guess?) Honestly if he gets all worked up about it... I'd hand him a list of chores

[UrbanSimplicity]

Another thought - I guess I feel like one way a married stay-at-home woman with 2 small children shows her husband love is by . . . . keeping a nice home, providing good meals, giving good care to his children. I hate to sound old-fashioned or quaint - I should point out I am a liberal nyc'er who works in fashion and once had 20 piercings! I feel like, in the most progressive sense, I give dh love when I hold up my end of the agreement. When I get the job done day after day and then at 9pm have 3 or 4 hours available for him.

[UrbanSimplicity]

Originally Posted by CariOfOz

I often put a damp microfibre cloth on the floor and 'clean' it using my foot

now thats my style

Bolded bits mine, You say he's not around when you'd like to hang out? I don't think that's another story... it sounds like he's busy doing whatever it is he is doing nd you're caring for the kids etc... and when HE is ready for your undivided attention, you have stuff that needs to be done. IMO that's kinda tough. I don't think it sounds like you spend ridiculous amounts of time cleaning.. I think if you dig into it, his problem is WHEN you are doing it (which makes it seem like a lot to him I guess?) Honestly if he gets all worked up about it... I'd hand him a list of chores

This is the thing!! I clean when he is working!! he gets home at 7:30, at 8 we do our 15 minutes of tidying up, then the girls are sleeping by 9 and I am free. But by myself. He has friends, neighbors, work, music, phone calls, etc . . . other things to do. It really sucks. We're working on it.

[CariOfOz]

Originally Posted by UrbanSimplicity

i dont think his standards are lower. he occasionally cleans the bathroom - its quite a sight, he empties it and uses a hose to spray everything, including the walls, down. when he does clean, he is super thorough. The reason I brought up his mom is because I think she had a "use bleach and strong cleaners everywhere" sort of style. No dusty corners. Does he care if the bed is made?

Seriously? He HOSES down the bathroom? Um.. there's medication for that (said tongue in cheek!!) I think he sounds very confused.. it sounds like he WANTS what his mom did.. perfect house, but he wants it to take you no time to do?

Seriously, it is his one big problem with me - that he is "fourth" - first the girls, then the home, then him. And I am trying to tell him his problem with me is not valid. Trust me, his transgressions against me are much greater, if I elaborate we'll have to move this to the Parents As Partners forum.

He really needs to take a good look at his thinking, because that seems to be the problem, not how long you take to clean! Cleaning your house is not something you do FOR the house, it is something you do for the FAMILY. So that your family has a clean, happy & healthy place to live. And your kids.. well in a roundabout way they DO come before him, if only in that they are children and can't do all these things for themselves. It really does sound like P&P is somewhere you might find some understanding... because it sounds like your dh needs a bit of a reality check

[Tjej]

It doesn't sound like he really has an issue with the cleaning you are doing. It sounds like he isn't feeling loved by you. Are you familiar with the cheesy book "The Five Love Languages"? It suggests that there are different ways a person feels loved, and if you "speak" the wrong language to someone you may be loving on them but they don't "hear" it. Maybe he'd feel more loved if you played board games with him twice a week, or if you bought him a favorite candy bar when you were grocery shopping and put a little bow on it for him. I don't know what his "language" is, but it sounds like "acts of service" - which is what you are describing - is NOT his language.

Tjej

[just__angel]

I 2nd everything Tjej just said. My first thought was the love languages as I read your post. Sounds like he's focusing on that as the issue rather than looking at what is honestly making him unhappy.

[UrbanSimplicity]

yes, tjej and just_angel, there is more to the issue. i think i have been cold to him (ie grumpy) because of the aforementioned problems HE creates, and then it is a viscious circle. Let me ask you, how happy would you be in the AM if your dh stayed out till 5am when he was due to wake up at 8:30 for work (and then stays hungover on the couch . . . and we have no money . . . . ) Like I said it is complicated, but even if things were great, then yes! we speak different love languages. Thanks for the reminder, I had looked in to that theory before. If I recall, out of the 5 languages, dh likes 2, and I like 2 others!

Again, what I hope to establish here, mostly for my own well-being, is that I am doing a good thing by keeping my house livable, relatively organized, clean of food and organic matter that can get funky, and still allowing for a bit of chaos (ie toys everywhere) during the day. Because even if it is not the real issue, I hear it A LOT!

[UrbanSimplicity]

The 5 Love Languages:

I am : "quality time" and "acts of service" (i like to receive and give these as love).

Dh is: "words of affirmation" and "physical touch"

Thanks again for the reminder of these!

[ParisApril]

I'm a SAHM, HSing the kids. I try to do most of the chores in the AM because that is when I am most energetic.

Make bed, king sized in a corner, tons of blankets - 5 min a day
Clean bathroom - 10 min 2 x a week
Sweep - 20 min every other day
Laundry, 6 loads a week, hang to dry, fold and put away - 90 min week
Mop - 15 minutes 6 x a year
Tile, grout scrub - 1 hour 2 x a year
Dust - 15 min 1 x a week
Tidying - 15 min day
Cooking meals - 1 hour day
Cleaning up after meals/dishes by hand - 45 min day
Baking, breads, muffins, loafs, bagels, buns, etc. - 4 hours week
Storytime with kids - 45 min a day
School with kids - 1-2 hours a day