techniques, I need techniques!

[myjo]

If some of you could share what discipline techniques have worked for you, I would love to hear them. I have two extremely energetic and sometimes very loud and difficult boys - high needs, spirited, defiant, whatever term you like.

I also want to share that I don't feel it is right to allow kids to behave however they want. I want some techniques that will very firmly but gently guide them the right way. I don't know how many times I've heard rude comments or felt the judgemental stares of people who must think we have no idea how to discipline our kids. I actually have high standards for their behavior, and try my best to guide them properly, but it's not easy with their temperaments. So help!!

[maemaesmama]

Hi there~ You must have written this knowing I needed someone to speak to about this EXACT topic! I have three children 6,almost3, and 1. We live with my parents who want me be firmer My mom, and I basically have agreed to let each other do it the way we see fit in each situation. She spanks. I don't. She also offers my children the world right now when we need it. I am a newly single very sad mom. How old are your boys? My almost three year old, and 1 year old are also (not to lable but....) ***SpIrItEd***! Really just the almost three year old Lily. Keegan my 1 year old is just being, well 1! He climbs on the kitchen table. Yells NO, and runs into the street. Usually while I am dealing with trying to gently redirect his CrAzYMaMa sibling Lily Lu. She has gotten better about listening as she has gotten older. I mean just a little each day I know she is more defiant when I am less tolerant. I don't know if you have found the same thing to be true. She does very well if I ask her to "help me out". She puts away laundry wahes dishes, or just plays with the bubbles. She loves to be busy, busy, busy when we are at home. As for discipline when she just won't comprimise. I just weaned, but nursing always helped. Like a restart button! Now I say we will have to go lay down. She is usually overly tired, stimulated, or hungry. Puzzles, and books are good calm down persuassions. When we are out I pack an activity bag, and use a double stroller. It has been HEVEAN SENT! I used my sling forever when I wasn't a mama to three, but three kiddos ain't two kiddos! They have gotten used to being in the stroller when we are out. Sometimes I let Lily walk, because she is afterall, almost three. If she acts up I have the "gentle threat" of going back in the stroller I think most of all you have to know you are in cahrge, and not loose control of yourself. They know when we mean buisness, even if we are not yelling, and spanking Hope this has helped. I would love to hear more about your ideas, or anybody elses





~Jess APmama to Mae6 Lilyalmost3, and Keegers 1

[mamaduck]

What a HUGE question! I'm sure I can't remember all my techniques off the top of my head. Its easier when I'm presented with a specific situation, you know?

The other thing I was thinking is this: The way I interact with my kids is not by utilizing "techniques." Its more genuine than that. However, when I think back -- I realize that they started out more as scripted techniques becuase I was learning to replace negative approaches. Now -- the way I relate to and discipline my kids is just "the way we treat each other in our family." I'm pleased to realize that. It hasn't been an easy road!

Our biggest overall approach to displine has been to keep them busy all the time! :LOL As soon as one of them (or both of them) starts to act up -- we find something for them to do. 80% of poor behavior in our home stems from feeling bored and not useful. (The other 20% usually stems from fatigue, hunger, or illness.) I firmly believe that children need to feel like productive members of society -- they need to feel that they are both learning what it means to be a contributing person, and feel that they are contributing at the same time. So much of the "keeping busy" is involving them in housework and projects. They help to cook and they do crafts. But I also nudge them to take out toys, puzzles, coloring books when they are behaving restlessly/destructively or just getting on my nerves! Or to get outside and run around. When we go places, we almost always take a bag of books and small toys. When we run errands, I give them "jobs" to do to keep them focused. When my DH has charge of them he takes them swimming or on long walks to wear them out.

[myjo]

I have done most of the things you both talk about, and they work most of the time. I guess I'm probably expecting more out of my kids than they can handle. They're usually pretty well behaved, but when they're bad, watch out!

Another thing that plays into this is that they have food allergies that make them feel gross sometimes, so if they've had something bad to eat, they won't be able to control themselves no matter what we do. And I can't expect them to, we might as well just go home and run or sleep it off.

I think the one thing I have to try to keep foremost in my mind is to keep them busy. They're very intelligent and active, and they don't behave well if they're bored. It's just hard for me to think ahead enough sometimes to remember to bring things along when we're out to keep them busy, or to remember to give them a job at the grocery store, things like that.

Thanks for the tips, or reminders more like. It will help keep me more aware so I can stay one step ahead of the little guys!

And anyone else has more to add, please share!

[Piglet68]

myjo, could you give some specific examples? it's hard to give an overall "technique" (though mamaduck did a great job, lol).

[myjo]

Well, one of my worst problems is that ds is a fit thrower. He just screams if he doesn't get something he really wants, and he's already six! This is a major problem in public. And I do not encourage it by giving in to him. He simply can't handle disappointment at all. He's extremely defiant as well. Like today we were at grandma's, and when it was time to go, he threw one of his usual fits (even though gave him the usual warning several minutes ahead of time). I could not get him in the car no matter what I said or did. It makes me so tense I feel like exploding!

I guess that's it, mainly the tantrums and the defiance. I do have the book Raising Your Spirited Child and have used some of the suggestions there, but they don't always work. Anybody have any ideas?

[mamaduck]

"Defiance" is one of those words I've stricken from my vocabulary. It suggests something about a child's motives and intentions that I'm not really sure we can know is true. Can you describe to me what constitutes the "defiant" behavior that bothers you?

[myjo]

By defiance I mean absolute refusal to obey or cooperate when I really need him to. He gets very locked in to what he's doing or to his particular agenda at the time, and has great difficulty making transitions. Also, when he's asked to stop doing something he usually acts deaf until I get right in his face. I find myself resorting to threats all the time, which is something I would much rather avoid.

And one more thing that bugs me to no end, he really gets violent and starts throwing things and will even hit me, although he knows that's totally unacceptable. When he loses his temper, he absolutely loses all control.

I don't think I'm overly demanding or strict. I definitely try to choose my battles wisely with him. So when I have to tell him to do something or stop doing something, it's usually because I really need him to.

I should probably add too that as a Christian mom, obediance and respect is very important in our family. I don't mean absolute unquestioning obediance, I always answer his questions and make sure he understands why it's so important that he obey. But to me constant disobediance is a real problem.

I didn't get too specific earlier because I didn't wanted to paint my ds as some sort of monster. He's usually very sweet and affectionate. He's like the girl with the strawberry curl,
"when she was good she was very, very good, but when she was bad she was horrid!"

[mamaduck]

Myjo -- you aren't painting him as a monster! He sounds like a sweet, normal, lovable kiddo!

What you just described... that he has a hard time with transitions, that he becomes focused on an activity to the exclusion of things going on around him, that he looses control sometimes -- all of those are very good, very accurate descriptions of challenging behavior. In terms of you you think about his behavior -- I would leave it at this, and not try to look at motive, kwim? Its a matter of being unable to control his impulses, not a matter of him being "bad." When you call it "defiance" and "disobedience" you make it sound like he is "out to get you." Or that he is being this way in order to directly and disrespectfully challenge you personally. I don't think it is helpful to see it this way. He's probably not intending to be advisarial. These are just things that are hard for him. It helps me to look at my kid's behavior for what it is, and not to take it personally. Does any of that make any sense at all? I don't know if it does.

Its sort of like interacting with a friend without judging her heart? Know what I mean? We can address a child's behavior without judging his heart.

I'm going to think about the behaviors and post again, okay?

[sunnmama]

Originally posted by myjo
By defiance I mean absolute refusal to obey or cooperate when I really need him to. He gets very locked in to what he's doing or to his particular agenda at the time, and has great difficulty making transitions. Also, when he's asked to stop doing something he usually acts deaf until I get right in his face.

My dd is only 3, but transitions are very difficult for her. She even gets freaked out when *I* come home from work, and has to hide under her covers to calm down enough to greet me--transitions are VERY hard for her.
But I try not to see her inability to cooperate in the midst of a transition as defiance. I try to see it as an honest-to-goodness difficulty for her. She'd like to, but it is just too hard. So, instead of focusing on her behavior during transition, we try to make transition less difficult for her (fewer activities in a day, lots of "warnings" about what will happen next/when things will happen....). Raising your Spirited Child (Mary Sheedy Kurchinka--something like that) has a chapter on transitions that was helpful for us.

"when she was good she was very, very good, but when she was bad she was horrid!" :LOL

We know this as "the girl with just one curl"....and I have used it to describe dd for a long time! (not in front of her, of course). IME, I have the child who, in public, either inspires the old ladies to shower me with praise on my fine job as a parent---or to shower me with scowls (or actual criticism : ) for having a child so out of control!

[myjo]

sunnmama, oh my gosh, that is exactly my experience! I always either get gushes of praise because my boys are at the time behaving like little angels, or I get the scowls and sometimes even extremely rude comments!

I think my main problem is probably my own impatience and nervous disposition. Then add to that my fear of being judged poorly, and I'm a basket case in public. I've had people tell me a million times not to be so sensitive, not to care what "they" think. But it's really hard for me. I want everyone to love my babies, even strangers! Pretty silly huh.

Thanks for listening. Any more suggestions would be welcome.