I need a tool or two to help my ds with his anxiety

[4Marmalade]

We are awaiting an evaluation for ds1 (almost 8 years old). There is a lot of stuff going on and anxiety seems to be either the main issue or at least a pretty severe symptom of something else. For those of you who are dealing with anxiety issues are there any very simple tools that might work in the moment to just get your child back down to a rational place of thinking?

This morning is a perfect example. He has a tooth that is just about to fall out (this is about #6 so nothing new). He gets himself soooo worked up. There are tears and sobbing, whining, etc... because he is worried it's going to hurt?, fall out and get lost?, wants to be with me when it does come out? This went on for about an hour. He sooo badly wanted to get it out of his mouth (it is barely hanging on) but was so afraid. He just kept getting more and more worked up. He would ask us to pull it out but couldn't open his mouth. I don't know how to help him through this. Empathizing seems to make it worse, ignoring it makes it worse, distraction doesn't work, rational thinking makes it worse, discussing similar worries from the past and how they worked out doesn't seem to help. I feel badly for him as I know this is legitimate anxiety and not something he's making up but we have 3 other children and I can't spend an hour with him convincing him that it's going to be OK and that he still needs to go to school. I am just hoping this tooth falls out today at school or else we will go through the whole thing again tonight when it's time for swimming lessons which is a whole other story as it is the first lesson and he will need to deal with his anxiety about starting a new class with a new teacher and the tooth on top of that will most definitely put him over the edge. This is just one example. This happens at least a couple of times/week (last time was a math quiz at school) and it is starting to really interfere with his ability to enjoy certain activities which is why we are getting some help.

Please tell me something that helps with your child to get us through until we get an evaluation and some more help.

[Linda on the move]

cognitive behavoiral therapy, which is a form of talk therapy, was the best thing for my DDs anxiety. It doesn't require a dx of anything, but no matter what dx your child ends up with, it's still a good idea.

There are some good books on anxiety and kids, but working with a trained adult was better for my DD than for me to try to be the only person working on this with her. There are a variety of techniques and helping her learn which one would help most in which situation was as important as learning the techniques.

[Starflower]

We are in the midst of this type of thing now. A loose tooth is bothering DD (age 7, also on tooth no. 6). However, right now, DD's biggest anxiety now is death. She will wind herself up for over an hour until she is so upset she is ready to puke.

We are seeing a therapist (can't wait until tomorrow's appt) and the only thing that has helped with the death anxiety thing in the moment is to tell DD we will no longer discuss the issue. We have spent hours empathizing, philosophizing, talking about all kinds of peoples' differing beliefs, science, etc. The only thing that has helped end the hours-long freak-outs has been to gently refuse to discuss it at all or change it into humor. (Such as "We've already discussed that and we don't have any new information. Sorry.") This was the therapist's idea.

It also seems to help a little bit to set up a worry time during the day where the kids can worry about stuff. Then when kids start to wind up about something, remind them gently that it is not worry time but that you will talk about it with them when it is worry time.

I have two excellent books to recommend as well:

For parents: "Freeing Your Child From Anxiety" by Tamar E. Chansky

This book gives a great overview of types of anxiety, more in-depth info on each type and ways to deal with it. It would be a good companion to doing therapy. The book has some funny illustrations you could share with your child to help explain what is going on inside his brain. Also it used language that takes the pressure of the child and puts it back onto the anxiety. It has a great chapter on dealing with children's anxiety in general and then specifically to different types of disorders. (We are likely dealing with OCD over here which is treated somewhat differently from some other types of anxiety.) I really like this book.

I also had a book called "Talking to Anxiety" from the library which was good, but mostly dealt with adults. There are some things people say which make it worse rather than better.

For kids:
"What to Do When You Worry Too Much: A Kid's Guide to Overcoming Anxiety"

This book is also good. Has lots of funny illustrations. Can be used as a workbook (and is usually on hold at the library - we finally purchased our own after borrowing it twice). Main analogy compares anxiety to tending a garden with tomatoes. Giving the tomatoes (anxiety) lots of attention makes them grow really huge. Has several techniques to try including worry time, worry box, bossing back anxiety, etc.

This was recommended by our therapist and DD really likes it. Suggested for ages 6-12. It would be good to use as an interactive tool with your son.

Good luck. I hope your eval goes well and you get some helpful answers. There are no quick fixes for anxiety but it's very treatable, especially when kids are young. (As an adult with a history of OCD, panic disorder and depression, I wish my parents had taken me to therapy when I was young; I think it would have made my life much better. I'm doing well now, but didn't get treatment until I was in college.)

[4Marmalade]

Thank you both for your replies. Along with the evaluation we are hoping to get in to see a counsellor who has been recommended to us by a few people. I just feel so lost sometimes and it's been years of dealing with this issue as well as others and it gets overwhelming. The idea of just calmly and gently telling him that it is not up for discussion right now seems like a good one because really, during the anxious moment, there's nothing I am able to do or say that makes it better.

For kids:
"What to Do When You Worry Too Much: A Kid's Guide to Overcoming Anxiety"

I think we used one of these workbooks before. We used one that dealt with anger and it was quite good. I think ds's anger and emotional outbursts are directly related to the anxiety he feels over not being able to control everything so we might have better luck dealing with that issue first. I think it might be time to buy a couple of books so I can reference them often rather than requesting they be transferred from other libraries.

[hhurd]

Originally Posted by Starflower

The only thing that has helped end the hours-long freak-outs has been to gently refuse to discuss it at all or change it into humor. (Such as "We've already discussed that and we don't have any new information. Sorry.")

This technique works really well in our house.

[Starflower]

Originally Posted by 4Marmalade

Thank you both for your replies. Along with the evaluation we are hoping to get in to see a counsellor who has been recommended to us by a few people. I just feel so lost sometimes and it's been years of dealing with this issue as well as others and it gets overwhelming. The idea of just calmly and gently telling him that it is not up for discussion right now seems like a good one because really, during the anxious moment, there's nothing I am able to do or say that makes it better.

For kids:
"What to Do When You Worry Too Much: A Kid's Guide to Overcoming Anxiety"

I think we used one of these workbooks before. We used one that dealt with anger and it was quite good. I think ds's anger and emotional outbursts are directly related to the anxiety he feels over not being able to control everything so we might have better luck dealing with that issue first. I think it might be time to buy a couple of books so I can reference them often rather than requesting they be transferred from other libraries.

There is a whole series of self-help books like this for kids. We've also read the one about "when you dread your bed" and "when you grumble too much" but haven't bought them.

Our DD also has angry outbursts which seem to be related to the anxiety. Sometimes she just disappears from classes or in public situations which has made it difficult for her to participate in some educational programs (we homeschool). I now think this behavior is her way of dealing with a panic attack (she doesn't want to "lose it" in front of peers). I plan to discuss it with the therapist tomorrow. Frankly, I am just exhausted at this point.

How long do you have to wait for your eval?

[4Marmalade]

Originally Posted by Starflower

Our DD also has angry outbursts which seem to be related to the anxiety. Sometimes she just disappears from classes or in public situations which has made it difficult for her to participate in some educational programs (we homeschool). I now think this behavior is her way of dealing with a panic attack (she doesn't want to "lose it" in front of peers). I plan to discuss it with the therapist tomorrow. Frankly, I am just exhausted at this point.

How long do you have to wait for your eval?

We have our first initial 2 hour "interview" October 19th. From there, they refer us to other resources. My ds is similar in that he holds things together very well with his peers and authority figures at school so we don't have any issues there except for being fairly quiet, unsure of himself (perfectionist traits) and mild anxiety when the routine changes. I am just hoping that the evaluation process goes well in that they can read things that are not out in the open.

[lisko15]

Just popped over to Special Needs to see if there were any posts for some insight (HELP!) into my 7 yo DD's anxiety, anger and stress issues (combined with mild SPD) and happily found the mention of these workbooks. I put the anger one on hold for our local library... (Thank you!)

Starting 2nd grade, being gone all day, cold weather clothing transitions, and the daily homework that has come with school has really sent her (and me) into an exhausting spiral of arguments, anxiety and the impossible task of reasoning with an argumentative and anxious 7 year old.

An email is due to her teacher... and hopefully a school evaluation...

From one tired Mama, to another

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by lisko15

JAn email is due to her teacher... and hopefully a school evaluation...

If you want an eval from the school, you need to request it in writing -- a real letter with a signature and a date. They have a certain number of days (I forget how many) from the time they receive the letter to do the eval.

Good luck!!