pretending to be sick?

[alison77]

My 7 yo DS pretends to be sick EVERY DAY! It is a daily struggle for us, and I need some advice on how to stop him from perseverating on this. Part of this stems from some anxiety he has, separation issues, but it only happens with me and not DH. Any ideas?

[sunnmama]

My dd did this when her anxiety was causing her daily issues. To be honest, she had some more disruptive symptoms of anxiety I was focusing on, and I didn't even connect her daily "I have a stomachache...." "I have a headache...." with anxiety until I got a book and it was on the checklist So, good for you for making the connection!

One book that is great for kids is What to Do When You Worry Too Much. It talks about how worries grow when we "water" them (like tomatoes), and gives some kid-friendly strategies for dealing with worries. Dd got this book 3 years ago, and we still refer to "watering our worries".

Another thing that works for us is telling her up front, "I need you to get up, get dressed, get fed, and get moving before you decide how you feel today". Usually the "sick" feeling would go away once she got up and distracted. Talk to him about "Fake it 'til you make it", and reassess at an agreed upon time (after breakfast, for example).

When is it happening? Is there something specific that is stressing him out?

[alison77]

thanks, i'll check out this book. it's definitely associated with anxiety in general - it seems to be happening when he realizes that it's a school day. typically he'll wake up fine, then when i'm getting him breakfast or ask him to get dressed he'll start.

[LynnS6]

I just wanted to add that if it's anxiety related he may well truly feel sick. What he can't identify yet is the cause of his feeling sick. Anxiety does produce real physical reactions.

If it's getting worse and not better, I'd consider seeing someone. The book "Freeing Your Child from Anxiety" by Tamar Chansky is also good.

[Ornery]

I can't address the anxiety issue as I haven't had to deal with that. However my oldest ds really enjoyed laying in bed when he was a child and I had to WOH full time. During 2nd grade he started being "sick" a lot where he would feel awful before school but by lunchtime would be running around like crazy. I always had him get up, take a shower and get ready before deciding if he really couldn't go to school. Also, and it sounds cruel in retrospect but at the time was necessary because I had to keep my job, I instituted a rule that during school hours if you were sick you could lay quietly in bed and rest or read but no playing outside or watching tv. That really cut down on him staying at home.

Again, this may not be helpful to you at all as it doesn't apply to anxiety issues.

[2xy]

My DH did this as a kid. He absolutely hated everything about school and had severe anxiety, as well as issues with bullies. He's 40yo and is still resentful of his school years and also of his parents for not ever addressing the things that caused him anxiety. They basically told him to "suck it up."

[alison77]

@eclipse - that's what we did last time he stayed home (1 x this school year), and he was very frustrated that he couldn't play after he was feeling fine around noon-time. i like the get up, shower and get dressed bit before really assessing - we'll try using this.

@lynn - i think you're absolutely right - he is probably having some physical symptoms from the anxiety and we need to work through that.

we are starting to see someone, just getting to know them so not a lot of progress made yet.

[meemee]

oh absolutely he is SICK. just not the same way you would define sick.

my dd is this way too.

since we started school a month ago dd has taken 3 'sick' days. yes she did have stomach aches. one time she had really painful cough. throat hurt. i could see the pain in her eyes. i made a u turn in front of her school and took her to mine as i went for classes. she needed the mental break. if i had continued to take her, which her dad would have done, i know her cough would have gotten worse. but the fact that she was not in school was enough for her to recover. her dad would see it as a way of fibbing. i dont.

once she realised she wasnt going to school her throat got better and better.

we have taken mental breaks from school ever since she started in K. she does not hate school. just some days she really doesnt wanna do it.

she only does it with me too because she knows i will respect her wishes. if i have nothing that day then we go to a museum or something fun.

however i talk to dd. and we talk about how we sometimes have to do things we dont like.

but all this i do because i know why dd doesnt want to go to school.

when she was younger those stomach aches actually told me that she was having anxiety.

she goes thru phases when she needs more time off. at other times she is happy and we dont take any breaks.

[crowcaw]

My 5 yo dd had stomaches at all anxiety inducing moments; transitions, dropping off at school, new things happening, going to swim or dance lessons, saying goodbye at the end of a playdate.... I started asking when her stomach ached if there was something she was nervous/worried/sad/scared/... about. She usual identified one of those emotions, I could ask what specifically scared her, and we could talk about it a bit. I'd validate the feeling but not get stuck there and then move on to reassurance and moving forward. For the last couple months she switched from "my stomach hurts" to "I'm nervous" (or whatever). I've asked a couple times when she's saying she's nervous/scared now if anything hurts and she says no. So I think getting her to name what was causing the problem, being sympathetic to her feelings, and helping her move ahead has helped get rid of the somatic symptoms.

[sunnmama]

Originally Posted by crowcaw

My 5 yo dd had stomaches at all anxiety inducing moments; transitions, dropping off at school, new things happening, going to swim or dance lessons, saying goodbye at the end of a playdate....

My dd was the same. Her anxiety began years before she attended school. School has actually helped in her case, I think primarily because the predictability and structure is calming to her.

In addition, she even got the stomachaches before GOOD things, like an exciting trip, a friend visiting, or a holiday (the days before Christmas were a nightmare!). We learned in therapy that the feelings of "excitement" and the feelings of "anxiety" are very similar physiologically (heart racing, blood pumping, fluttery belly, tingly hands, etc), and dd interpreted the physiological symptoms as "sick/anxious", even when looking forward to something. So that is something to consider, too.

[PGTlatte]

If my child was either attempting to use illness as an excuse not to go to school, or truly feeling ill before going to school, I would want to find out what is going on at school that my child is so worked up about, and then help him/her with resolving or coping with the situation. I would want to find a way for my child's daily life to be more tolerable.

I used to have a job that I had so much anxiety about going to every day that I felt physically sick on the way to work each morning. A few times I even had panic attacks at work. Having to deal with that 5 days a week for most of a year was awful. Some kids feel this way about school. They need to have their feelings taken seriously and have their parents help them sort out their feelings, and sometimes actually get involved in changing the situation.

[Holiztic]

I agree with PPs that he's likely not pretending.

I suffered from social anxiety that likely was caused by attachment issues (I'm of course only diagnosing this all now, 20+ years later!)

I WAS sick: stomach pain, nausea, etc. But it was anxiety-related. I wish my parents had taken it more seriously and helped me!

Good luck!

[sarahr]

I agree with the others that he might actually not feel well.

But my dd does sometimes pretend to be sick because she likes the taste of tylenol, she wants the attention, or she doesn't want to do whatever we're asking her to do. I then very seriously lean over to talk to the monkeys and elephants that live in her tummy; it's their movements that make her feel sick. Then we get up to do the monkey and elephant dance to get them out of her tummy. By the time we do that, she's over whatever her problem is; if she isn't, then I know there's a chance she really isn't feeling well.

[Ornery]

Just as an addition to my earlier post, for us, it wasn't about my ds not actively wanting to go to school. After we instituted the no playing outside or watching tv during school hours, he admitted that he wasn't really feeling sick, he just liked a particular tv show that came on at 10:00.

I was a child who had anxiety and was sick a lot. It wasn't about bad things happening at school. It was about bad things happening in my homelife, specifically my parent's divorce.

So it definitely isn't always about stuff at school.....

[Holiztic]

Originally Posted by Eclipse95

Just as an addition to my earlier post, for us, it wasn't about my ds not actively wanting to go to school. After we instituted the no playing outside or watching tv during school hours, he admitted that he wasn't really feeling sick, he just liked a particular tv show that came on at 10:00.

I was a child who had anxiety and was sick a lot. It wasn't about bad things happening at school. It was about bad things happening in my homelife, specifically my parent's divorce.

So it definitely isn't always about stuff at school.....

I agree--mine started as attachment issues with my parents, but then ended up being school/peer-related (as I misplaced my attachments from my parents to my peers, then my peers weren't quite enough). If anyone else has read "Hold on to Your Kids" you'll see what I am talking about.

[alison77]

These posts bring up a lot of good points and I do hope that I am addressing his issues as he needs them to. I do try to ask him about things and process his feelings, though at times I probably am not as patient as I should be. On the other hand I am trying to help him learn to move past a certain idea or thought, ideally this would be through resolution, although sometimes it is not. Any suggestions on this front, please let me know. DS will sometimes not let things go - his worries mostly stem around us not picking him up, or not being able to find him when we come pick him up. I, who have had anxiety around different issues, can definitely sympathize with not being able to stop the 'what if's from coming, and am having a challenging time teaching him how to do that.

I think school itself is not as much of a problem as afterschool - he complains a lot about his afterschool program. This is one thing I am not sure how to deal with because I signed him up initially for 4 days because I am working a lot, albeit from home. When we signed up (this spring) I wasn't sure whether I would be working from home or would have to drive to city 1h away several times a week. Now that I am home all except for 1 day, and he has been playing with neighborhood kids when he gets home anyway, I'm tempted to take him out, or at least just have him go 2 days (2 day minimum) instead of 4. I'm partially worried that I am not addressing the anxiety by doing this, and taking the 'easy' way out which will not be maximizing the help for him (even though I expect it will be reducing the anxiety somewhat). What do others think about this?

I also think, after meemee's post, that maybe we do need some mental health/relax days built in for him. He definitely needs some good mom attention, and we definitely do a 'special' day together maybe every three months, but not typically getting out of school for it. Maybe we need to build in some more of that time, too.

[Dar]

Originally Posted by alison77

Now that I am home all except for 1 day, and he has been playing with neighborhood kids when he gets home anyway, I'm tempted to take him out, or at least just have him go 2 days (2 day minimum) instead of 4. I'm partially worried that I am not addressing the anxiety by doing this, and taking the 'easy' way out which will not be maximizing the help for him (even though I expect it will be reducing the anxiety somewhat). What do others think about this?

I don't understand what you mean about taking him out not "maximizing the help for him"? Is this a program designed to help his skills in some way, academic or social or something?

I dunno... if my kid would rather not be somewhere and I could fairly easily arrange for her to not be there I'd do it in a heartbeat.

[alison77]

I guess I'm worried at one level that taking him out may be teaching him the wrong thing - that he can just stop something instead of needing to work through what the different issues that he has with it are. In this case, he doesn't want to go b/c he's afraid we'll forget to pick him up, or that we won't be able to find him when we do pick him up. So I wonder, will keeping the schedule reinforce the concept that we will always pick him up no matter what. While taking him out says that we don't have to deal with the cause of his concerns.

In my heart I think the right thing to do is take him out, but I want to make sure I'm considering everything . . . .

[meemee]

alison my dd is 8. she has been in FT dc since she was 2. when she started K i swore i would do all it takes to make sure she doesnt stay in an afterschool program. that is because i knew 6 hours in school was a lot on her. anything after that would be too much. the same structure. the same 'behave yourself' discipline.

if he comes home to play with neighbourhood boys and you are working at home, i would take him out of the afterschool program. if you absolutely have to IF you may have to WOH then i would keep him for those 2 days but in the meantime find out if you can find another mother willing to watch your son for pay. that will be a much less stressful thing.

here's how i look at things. i see how we are constantly pressured to force our kids to be adults and grown up. i prefer to err on the side of 'babying'. give dd time.

[Holiztic]

I am reading "Hold On to Your Kids" right now and I do believe that there are a lot of things in that book that might help you now (and prevent more trouble in the future!)

I personally am recommending the book to every parent I know whether they are having any concerns or not--even my friends that are pregnant with their first right now!

I really do think this book might be an epiphany kind of experience for you (has been for me--wish I could take it back to 1980 or so and leave it on my parent's doorstep!)