"He talks about suicide so I can't give up on him."

[journeymom]

That's basically what my dd said about her recently-ex boyfriend. Dd revealed that her best friend said the same thing about her own boyfriend, even though she wants to leave him. Dd describes similar dynamics with her other girlfriends and their boyfriends. These kids are generally 15 to 17 years old.

Dd came to me in tears last night and talked to me a long time about how things are still intertwined, intense and complicated between them, even though he broke up with her more than a month ago.

I don't have any personal experience with this. I had one other boyfriend before dh, and though he 'drunk dialed' me in tears once after we broke up it didn't make me want to take him back.

My experience was 25 years ago. Are teen relationships that different these days? Maybe I'm kind of heartless??

It's really too bad that dd got so emotionally involved with this kid. This dating thing was just supposed to be fun. She's only 15 y.o., she's not old enough to be dealing with this level of responsibility for another human being. She wants to save him from his bad father and clueless mother. And I know the huge thrill from prospect of being someones savior is part of it, I've felt it too.

But in the mean time, even though he broke it off with her, when she starts to move on emotionally and finally heal, he conveys that he's jealous of her friendship with one of his friends, that he doesn't think he can 'trust her' (with what, for God's sake?? You broke up with her, you little dweeb! ) and then tells her how he started cutting again, how utterly depressed he is, how his dad gets so mad at him he hits him.

I'm getting from her that she might be able to finally move on if she was certain that he was getting some good help with his own issues, but in the mean time she's stuck and can't get out of this emotional turmoil.

If you've had experience with this particular dynamic, the 'suicide' factor --what do I do??

Edited to add, wow I sound like I don't believe the exbf, that he's just making it all up to manipulate her. That's not the case at all, but I am frustrated and it's made me flippant. I am very angry with how this has torn my daughter up and my priorities are with her.

[Chicky2]

I couldn't read and not respond. Even though I don't think I have any ideas really. Have you suggested that your dd talk to her counselor at school (assuming of course that she is in public school)? I'm sorry she's being put in this position. It's not fair. Even if this boy did commit suicide, that would NOT be her fault. Maybe she can get him to talk to his counselor?

[Callimom]

Oh man that sounds hard.

I think I might use this opportunity to teach her how to offer help while maintaining her own boundaries, and talk to her about how important it is to be able to create and sustain healthy relationships. I think this is a hard skill for women to learn in a lot of cases.

Can she articulate what she wants for herself (separate from him/this situation) and then can you brainstorm about how she can find compassion for him but also keep on her own path.

Perhaps either of you (depending on what you feel is best) could talk with the suicide hotline in your community to find out what they suggest in this situation and then perhaps put a plan in place about offering him realistic support and still being able to put up boundaries to keep her healthy and safe.

I don't know that any of this is helpful.
Best of luck to both of you.
Karen

[journeymom]

Thank you, both of you, for your responses. I so appreciate it. I also got some good advice here, as well.

http://www.mothering.com/discussions....php?t=1268518

[sleepingbeauty]

My 17 year old sister's boyfriend actually did kill himself when she was 16. It still affects her now. She was depressed, blamed herself, etc.

If this kid is threatening suicide then help is needed. If he's just using it as a tool to trap her then he is a very sick person and needs to stay away.