How to gently reject sitting offers? (want to keep baby with ME!)

[blake201]

So--how do/have you handled the pressure of well-meaning babysitting offers, especially from loving grandparents? I just want to be with my baby as much as possible, and I HATE pumping, so I've been rejecting these offers pretty strongly and it's been causing tension. Here's my situation (sorry for length but I'm really upset about this and it's complicated):

I'm the mom to a 3 1/2 month old baby girl, and I just started back to work full time after 12 weeks leave (my husband lost his job and is now temping and all our health insurance is through me, so although I would prefer to stay home for a year, it's not an option).

Being separated from my baby 5 days/week 10hrs/day is hellish. Plus I hate pumping, and find it EXCRUCIATINGLY painful, even with a Symphony rental on the gentlest setting. And I don't want baby getting any more bottles than absolutely necessary.

So I don't find the idea of baby-free dates or outings all that appealing--I'm
already away from her WAY too much.

Now, my full-time childcare provider is my mom. My AMAZING mom, who lives in Massachusetts with my not-yet-retired dad. She takes the bus roundtrip from Massachusetts every other weekend, and my dad comes to Brooklyn every other weekend--they are making a huge sacrifice to do this for us because they are so in love with their first grandchild (and because they love me so much!) My mom takes care of baby all day, wears her in a carrier, gives me constant updates and is just amazing and wonderful and nurturing with her.

Anyway, my mom--and my dad, when he's visiting--are always offering to babysit Zora on evenings and weekends as well. And always offering to feed her bottled breast milk to "give me a break," because they know I am exhausted. They even offer to have her sleep in the guest bedroom instead
of ours. And I can't help reacting very strongly to this, and insisting that NO,
my husband and I are already away from our baby WAY too much, and I need her with me all night and every hour of the weekend and evenings, and no matter how tired I am I want to nurse her and not have her take unnecessary bottles.

My husband likes the idea of having occasional baby-free dates, but I really
don't. So I've been showing him that we can go on dates WITH our baby--we've had successful outings to parks, restaurants, the farmer's market, wherever, and I just wear her and it's totally great. I agreed somewhat reluctantly to go to a Broadway show without her for our anniversary and while I had fun I just missed her the whole time. Plus when I got home she was asleep for the night and I was super engorged.

I got into quite an argument with my dad about it this weekend because he wanted to take baby out for a walk without me, and my mother reminded me that he's living by himself five days a week just so my baby can be taken care of by her grandmother and not be in daycare with strangers. I finally managed to get ALL of us to go for a walk together instead (letting baby be carried by her Zadie), but this issue keeps coming up.

Anyway... anyone been in this type of situation? What would you do? Any
thoughts? My parents are AMAZING and loving people who are doing so much for us and our baby, and I am awed by how much they love us... but I just CAN'T trade away precious time with my little girl as thanks.

Again, sorry for length... thanks for listening!

[Nicole730]

I think, from the sound of your relationship, you just need to reiterate to them that you need/want to spend as much time as possible with your baby when you are able. And since you are gone all day, it's really important that you have baby time anytime you are not working.

I would just explain that pumping is not easy, stressful, painful, etc... and you are not going to use expressed BM anymore than you absolutely have to.

Your baby is still young and it takes awhile for new moms to feel comfortable being apart from them. So dad (and by dad- I mean baby's grandpa) taking a walk with baby alone is not acceptable to lots of people (including myself!).

Tell your parents what you said here:

"My parents are AMAZING and loving people who are doing so much for us and our baby, and I am awed by how much they love us... but I just CAN'T trade away precious time with my little girl as thanks"

[Knitting Mama]

I'm anxious to hear what others have to say.

To my way of thinking, the best angle you have is that you're not with her all day anymore. I would say something like this, firmly but sweetly, "I appreciate your offer, but I miss her so much during the day when I am at work that I really don't want to be away from her when I'm not working."

edit: Wanted to add that you're totally not at all crazy to not want to have "dates" or anything at this point. I actually told everyone (both my family and my husband's family are here in town along with our siblings) that chances were slim anyone would be babysitting for Cecilia before she was a year old. They thought I was crazy, but whatever. I don't want to be away from her, and that's all there is to it.

[Norasmomma]

Tell them you're not ready due to the fact you are away from the baby so much already.

I would leave the option open though because one day you probably will be ready. As a mama of 2 I relish having loving grandparents who live 10 minutes away ready to take the kids so Dh and I can have some alone time.

[HappyMommy2]

I agree that you can tell them, but please do it gently. Let them know that someday you will REALLY appreciate the offer, and you hope it is still available in the future, but right now you have this overwhelming need to spend every minute possible with her.

Trust me, you will really want this free babysitting someday!!!

Three months is still very young! And being back at work must make this a tough time for you. Tell your parents that *you* are still adjusting.

[FloridaBorn]

I'm glad this question was posted as I'm having the same issue with my MIL. She wasn't breastfed, nor were any of her children, and she just. doesn't. get it.

[texmati]

I was in the same situation... and it got much worse once I got pregnant, and started supplementing.

I did the following... I quit complaing about exhaustion, and I told my parents how they *could* help me. For me, playing with the baby while I cooked or did other essentials was a huge help. I could still see the kiddo, be involved and maybe rest my feet a little. My parents drop off food sometimes. Sometimes i"m in too much pain to walk to the park, so they take him there.

For me, it took a frank conversation because my parents can be really, really pushy (esp my dad).

[akat]

It would be one thing if you were a stay at home mom refusing to let anyone else touch your baby, but my goodness - I find it hard to believe that anyone wouldn't understand that you want to be glued to her every second after being away from her 50 hours a week. She's still so so little, too. I only let my mom hold my 8 month old for an hour once or twice a week but I'm practically at arm's reach, and I don't work away from him at all! He hangs out with my husband in the other room quite a bit, but again, I'm just in the next room.

I do think your dad should get to hold her once in a while though, he is making quite a sacrifice. But life is long, and she's really little. He can hold her more in a few months.

[happysmileylady]

I do think it would help to believe that for the most part, they are probably coming from a place of genuine caring for your well being. I do think that when we have kids, it's important to remember our role as spouse, as seperate from our role as parent. That doesn't automatically mean going on kid free dates, but I am sure that your parents just want to be sure you are nurturing your marriage as well as your child. If you keep in mind that they are probably making their offers from that place of caring it would probably help you not react so strongly.

[Knitting Mama]

Originally Posted by akat

It would be one thing if you were a stay at home mom refusing to let anyone else touch your baby,

I am a SAHM who won't let anyone babysit her daughter yet. Just keep in mind that different people have different parenting styles.

[goldenwillow]

Originally Posted by FloridaBorn

I'm glad this question was posted as I'm having the same issue with my MIL. She wasn't breastfed, nor were any of her children, and she just. doesn't. get it.

I hear this. My mom keeps bugging me to have DS overnight. "Just let me know when you are done with that breastfeeding thing you are doing".

Sigh...

I agree with the other gals here.

[2xy]

Additionally (and I know this is not common and seems to be regarded as "weird" for some reason), you don't have to use a pump to get milk out of your breasts. I found pumps to be uncomfortable and cumbersome. I WOTH full-time when my kids were babies. With DS2, I hand-expressed milk while I was at work. It was actually quicker, once I got the hang of it. And all you need is your two hands and a clean container. No equipment to haul around and keep clean.

Hand Expression of Breastmilk

[zinemama]

Although I can understand that you don't want to leave your baby anymore than you already do, I also think you have an amazing opportunity here to foster your marriage, an opportunity that many, many people don't have.

I'm not saying you should leave your baby for hours at a time. But I do think you should consider going out with your husband for maybe an hour once on the weekend. Take a walk together, something simple. I know you can do all this with the baby. But it's different when it's just the two of you. Alone time to re-connect with a partner is easy to dispense with at this stage of parenthood. And it can be hard to re-establish that connection later when it isn't nurtured now.

I also think that, given the HUGE sacrifices your folks are making, it would be awfully nice of you to let your dad take the baby for a walk.

Of course you don't want to leave the baby a whole lot, and that's not what I'm suggesting. I agree with pp that you should tell your parents you'll be cashing in on their offer way more in a few years. But I also think that your parents sound like amazing people who have been there themselves and want the best for your marriage. There's a middle ground.

[stephbrownthinks]

Originally Posted by 2xy

Additionally (and I know this is not common and seems to be regarded as "weird" for some reason), you don't have to use a pump to get milk out of your breasts. I found pumps to be uncomfortable and cumbersome. I WOTH full-time when my kids were babies. With DS2, I hand-expressed milk while I was at work. It was actually quicker, once I got the hang of it. And all you need is your two hands and a clean container. No equipment to haul around and keep clean.

Hand Expression of Breastmilk

I just wanted to second this. My lactation consultant kept trying to get me to hand express when I was having trouble pumping. She said you can get way more milk that way. At first it just didn't work for me, then one day I "got it." Even if you don't decide to hand express full time its a great skill that comes in handy sometimes and is waaaaaaaay more comfortable (and discreet!) than using a pump.

Good luck with the babysitting issue. My mom wants me and my husband to go on a *10 day* cruise when our DS is 9 months old. I told her even *if* I was okay with leaving him that long, he would still be nursing during the night and there is no way I could find someone to watch him. She doesn't see what the big deal is. Finally I asked her when the first time I spent a night away from home was. She said I was TWO years old, and it was just one night at the grandparents because they had been begging so long.

Its like our parents just turn into grandparents what it like to want your baby with you all the time!

[dahlialia]

I am with you, for the most part.

However, provided you don't have qualms about your Dad's abilities with her, I could see that letting your Dad have an hour to care for her on the weekends he is there, while you spend that hour having coffee with DH, and focusing on him, would be a win-win for most of those involved, and is only taking one hour from your weekend with DD. And not require pumping/bottle. Just a thought.

[akat]

Cecilia's Mama, if you read the rest of my post, you'll see that I also haven't let anyone babysit my 8 month old.

I am including myself in the 'stay at home moms who don't let anyone else touch their baby', not opposing them - sorry if I touched a nerve though.

[braidmama]

I am so relieved to hear someone else is dealing with this! Wow! The synchronicity here is amazing! I'm in the same boat with work and our insurance is through me as well as its better than what dp is offered and also much more cost effective. I work retail and seeing other women, pregnant or with their babies always makes me super sad to be without ds for those few hours a day/5 days a week. Its excruciating! I also hate pumping as well and management at my job, while in compliance with the law as much as they have to be, aren't very friendly or keen to the whole idea which makes me feel awkward every day- I pump twice during my work shift and each time I have to ask one of them to unlock their office for me, they're oftentimes all over the store which requires lots of impatient waiting from me. I've even been barged in on a few times lately even with a do-no-disturb sign on the door! I'm not the only pumping employee they have so you'd think they'd get with it, eh? Friends and family are always offering to watch ds...they just don't seem to get that I can't just leave him (nor do I want to)- if I go out for a few hours I'd have to pump so it seems like a lose-lose situation where I'd just have to be stressed about pumping and ds would have to have a bottle. Not really my thing if I can avoid it. And he's teething (he's 6 mo.) so he's really restless and wakeful at night lately and I usually cosleep for part of the night when he needs to nurse.

I'm sorry to hijack your post! Just wanted to let you know that I completely understand! From someone who is going through similar things, I can honestly say that at least for me, as hard as it is, I feel like since I made the decision to nurse on demand (at least while I'm not at work), its my job to uphold that and I'm not going to sacrifice my personal beliefs and whatI feel is important for my child and myself to spare anyone else's feelings. In the end I ultimately feel that U have a responsibility to my child, not to other people, their children, or society in general. Sorry if this offends, just how I feel! If course I do care about other people but my little one comes first for me.

And example of this is my MIL offers to watch ds at her apartment all the time and also wants us to stop by for holidays. This would be all well and good, and I'd love to, except she owns her apartment buikding with her older son (dp's brother) and he is a hard drug user. He also has a dog that has actually mauled children and killed other dogs. They recently had a tenant who overdosed on their front lawn. I now these things could happen anywhere but I just do not feel comfortable bringing my son there because of it, nor do I feel comfortable being there myself. I have told her she can come to our place and she is welcome absolutely anytime (which she really doesn't take too much advantage of). Sigh...dp doesn't want to hurt his family's feelings but this is what I'm saying about our LO's coming in first! Kind of off topic but I was thinking the overall point is related. Hope you find a balance soon! I think you should just explain the situation openly to them. Most of my older relatives formula fed their babes so they don't understand our whole nursing on demand thing and they think its weird. I've explained it to them and though they think its odd and don't necessarily like it or agree with my methods, they've accepted it and have recently stopped hounding me about it all the time. I think, even though they watched us grow, we have a new dimension to ourselves as mothers that even our parents and siblings (grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc) have to get to know now...good luck, mama! Ahh...another little note about my MIL that irks me (she;s a dolls, I love her dearly, and she's very generous, but this makes me kinda crazy...) is that there have been a few times that I've come home from work when she's made plans to come by for a visit, and she's already there in my house (with dp and baby) holding the baby and I don't even have a chance to touch him when I get home from work. If I say that I need to nurse him which I always do when I get home, she kind of goes along playing with him and pretends not to hear my until he's screaming for my milk. Argh.

p.s. i also want to add (sorry for the novel!) that this isn't going to last forever so I say embrace what's important to you and keep going on those mini family dates with your man! so important!

[akind1]

Before DS was born, DH thought I was crazy about not wanting DS to spend the night night anywhere . . . for a while. Once he was born, I think he changed his mind! My parents never ask to keep the baby overnight, but I get this from my MIL (or I did) I think gentle and firm eventually got her to stop asking. I was just like, I am not even ready to have him sleep in a separate room, let alone a separate house overnight. He is 10 months now, and I have the same feelings. I honestly think his first overnight will be whenever I am having his little brother or sister (and I am not even pregnant yet!) I just don't see the need.

All that said, how long does your LO go between feedings? If you and your DH can get a little bit of time alone, that is not a bad thing. And it will give Grandpa some time with the baby. Even if you are just doing errands, it is a help, they go faster without getting babe in and out of the car.

Also agree w/a PP that see what they *can* do to help, will put a positive spin on things. Like when MIL wanted to come over to "help" after the baby was born. I told her, I have got the baby - he eats, sleeps, and poops, but if you could help cook and clean, that would be great!

I WOH the home 2 days a week, and WAH 3 days. people are always offering to let us have a night off. I just say, I get my "me" time at work. And we love spending time as a family. It will eventually get to a point where I wouldn't mind being baby-free (I think) and then no one will offer!

[Mulvah]

Originally Posted by zinemama

Although I can understand that you don't want to leave your baby anymore than you already do, I also think you have an amazing opportunity here to foster your marriage, an opportunity that many, many people don't have.

I'm not saying you should leave your baby for hours at a time. But I do think you should consider going out with your husband for maybe an hour once on the weekend. Take a walk together, something simple. I know you can do all this with the baby. But it's different when it's just the two of you. Alone time to re-connect with a partner is easy to dispense with at this stage of parenthood. And it can be hard to re-establish that connection later when it isn't nurtured now.

I also think that, given the HUGE sacrifices your folks are making, it would be awfully nice of you to let your dad take the baby for a walk.

Of course you don't want to leave the baby a whole lot, and that's not what I'm suggesting. I agree with pp that you should tell your parents you'll be cashing in on their offer way more in a few years. But I also think that your parents sound like amazing people who have been there themselves and want the best for your marriage. There's a middle ground.

[sillygrl]

To be completely honest, my mother is not the type to ever *want* her grandkids for long periods of time, so I never was confronted with this, but I can understand. When my oldest was 21 weeks old, I had a miscarriage and landed in the hospital. When my family asked me what I wanted, I told them all I wanted was my son, and as soon as he got there, I wouldn't let him go. We need our babies, that's natural mothering instinct.

I think your parents sound amazing, and I can see that you are totally thankful for all the love and support they are showing you. It sounds like this is a good subject to sit down and talk to your mom about. I agree with a pp on telling her just what you said here, about how amazing both of them are but how you feel about being away from your daughter so much, and how important it is to be with her as much as possible when you can.

I also agree with other pp who mention you may try and take a walk or something with your dh when your dad is in town. Right after a feeding or so, as long as you feel comfortable with your dad, let her stay with him and you and your dh go for a short walk.

But whatever you decide, I would keep in mind that the offers are probably coming from a place of love and caring.