How to gently reject sitting offers? (want to keep baby with ME!) - Page 2

[blake201]

Wow, THANK YOU SO MUCH for the great responses! I'm glad to hear I'm not the only one in the same boat and I really appreciate everyone's suggestions. After reading all this, here are my thoughts, and a few clarifications:

--My dad is GREAT with babies, so that's not the issue--he actually was a stay at home dad while my mom worked starting when I was 3 months old. The issue is more that I just don't want to be apart from baby. But I will try to be much nicer about it, and maybe if I just nursed her he can take her for a quick 10-minute walk around the block or out to the courtyard, OCCASIONALLY.
--I did used to let him and my mother take the baby for walks sometimes between feedings without me before I went back to work, so I could shower or cook or just take a nap--it's just that now that I'm working, every minute I'm home with the baby feels so precious.
--My mom breastfed both her kids, but more on a schedule, not on cue as I do (her pediatrician at the time told her not to feed us more than once every 3 hours--eeek!). So excellent caregiver that he is, my dad tends to have a "oh, she's not REALLY hungry because she just ate! let me just rock her and make silly faces at her!" approach when she starts rooting. And my baby girl likes to eat a lot--she's not very predictable. Sometimes she goes for four hours without showing signs of hunger, but sometimes (usually!) she wants to eat every hour or two. (Like last night!)
--My lactation consultant has indeed suggested I learn to manually express since pumping is so distasteful/painful to me, and I've been trying and not getting anywhere with it. My mom actually manually expressed when she went back to work so my dad could bottle feed me, and she tried to help me too, but I hardly seem to get any milk at all even for 10 minutes when I try it. Painful as pumping is, I get 6-8 ounces in 10 minutes with the Symphony pump. And I have repetitive stress issues in my wrists, so I might be stuck using the painful & expensive pump option. (I even bought a pump in style, but it hurts so much on the slowest setting I can't use it).

Anyway, thank you all again. I'm going to try to work on not overreacting to what are genuinely kind and well-meaning offers, but still standing firm and gently insisting that baby needs as much time with her mommy (and daddy) as possible now that I'm working. And I'm sure I'll appreciate their offers more later when she's not as tiny... though since I plan to breastfeed for at least two years, she is NOT having any overnights ANYWHERE without me!

[JudiAU]

I'd probably send them an email and ask them very gently to stop offerring. Be honest. That you miss your LO dreadfully when you are away from her, that you don't want to be separated from her when you don't have to be, that pumping is very difficult and breastfeeding is easy, and that is emotionally difficult to keep having to refuse their offers. Let them know that you will keep their kind and generous offers in mind and at some point in the future, will take them up on the offers.

The worst and most difficult days with my kids is 1000 better than working.

But if they are like my MIL, they will still make you miserable. =(

[JudiAU]

Have you ever "greased" the shields of lansinoh? It helps reduce friction a little bit.

And hugs.

I cried every single bloody day with my first kid.

I seriously hope that if we have a third and I get to stay home, I never ever have to see another bottle in my house.

[AislinCarys]

If you are only going to miss your baby the whole time, what is the point of trying to connect with DH on baby-free dates?

Honestly, I didn't start feeling ok with being away from DD until she was way over 18 months, and I'm still not that keen on leaving her for longer periods. I will get out more out of the time with DH if DD is there - and until almost 2 it was never an issue, she just fed and slept in the mei tai, or sat quietly in our laps when very little. This was much more enjoyable than crying for my baby (inside) the whole time!

Your baby is still very little. At that age DD preferred to breastfeed or watch her grandparents from our laps (she didn't like being held to close, and not facing in unless she was very tired, and only upright, but she hated to be put down...). When she was almost a year she started reaching out to her grandparents, and is now close to all of them.

And in your situation, I would want to cuddle my DD at every possible moment!

[blake201]

Originally Posted by JudiAU

Have you ever "greased" the shields of lansinoh? It helps reduce friction a little bit.

And hugs.

I cried every single bloody day with my first kid.

I seriously hope that if we have a third and I get to stay home, I never ever have to see another bottle in my house.

Yes, I use Lansinoh, it does help a little! And yeah, if our finances change and we have another (which I do hope for in a few years), I hope not to need that pump ever again!

[Mamabeakley]

Have you tried hand expressing at a time when you are engorged and having an involuntary let-down? I never could until I was away from my 1 year old for about 12 hours unexpectedly (all was well - just got stuck at a long birth as a backup doula). And finally I "got it" when I could "practice" without having to work too hard at getting it to work.

[blake201]

Originally Posted by Mamabeakley

Have you tried hand expressing at a time when you are engorged and having an involuntary let-down? I never could until I was away from my 1 year old for about 12 hours unexpectedly (all was well - just got stuck at a long birth as a backup doula). And finally I "got it" when I could "practice" without having to work too hard at getting it to work.

No, I haven't, but I'll try that! I have oversupply, so when I'm even slightly engorged the milk just SPRAYS everywhere (all over baby's face and hair, my sleeping husband, my desk when I am about to pump)... which is why it's so weird that I have trouble hand-expressing!

[KayTeeJay]

Originally Posted by zinemama

Although I can understand that you don't want to leave your baby anymore than you already do, I also think you have an amazing opportunity here to foster your marriage, an opportunity that many, many people don't have.

I'm not saying you should leave your baby for hours at a time. But I do think you should consider going out with your husband for maybe an hour once on the weekend. Take a walk together, something simple. I know you can do all this with the baby. But it's different when it's just the two of you. Alone time to re-connect with a partner is easy to dispense with at this stage of parenthood. And it can be hard to re-establish that connection later when it isn't nurtured now.

I also think that, given the HUGE sacrifices your folks are making, it would be awfully nice of you to let your dad take the baby for a walk.

Of course you don't want to leave the baby a whole lot, and that's not what I'm suggesting. I agree with pp that you should tell your parents you'll be cashing in on their offer way more in a few years. But I also think that your parents sound like amazing people who have been there themselves and want the best for your marriage. There's a middle ground.

I agree with this. OP, I totally understand how you feel. My mom/stepdad, sister, SIL, and in-laws both live in the same town as us, and they are all wonderful, loving people that I would trust with my DS in a second. However, DH and I both work full time, and like you, I can't help but feel I am away from him too much already! Ever since he was born (he is 20mo) we've had offers every weekend to watch him for an evening, an overnight (which we still have not done), etc... On weekends my in-laws always offer to keep him during the day for a few hours so I can get things done around the house. We (okay, *I* ) have been able to do it a few times as he's gotten older, but when he was under 6mo? No way. We always declined with a smile and said something to the effect of "Thanks, but we just can't be away from him yet!" We also made a big effort to spend lots of time with family with us around, but not hovering. Our son was the first grandchild on either side, so it was a new experience for everyone. We wanted to make sure everyone felt included but also make sure we didn't step out of our comfort zone before we were ready.

[Adaline'sMama]

Originally Posted by zinemama

Although I can understand that you don't want to leave your baby anymore than you already do, I also think you have an amazing opportunity here to foster your marriage, an opportunity that many, many people don't have.

I'm not saying you should leave your baby for hours at a time. But I do think you should consider going out with your husband for maybe an hour once on the weekend. Take a walk together, something simple. I know you can do all this with the baby. But it's different when it's just the two of you. Alone time to re-connect with a partner is easy to dispense with at this stage of parenthood. And it can be hard to re-establish that connection later when it isn't nurtured now.

I also think that, given the HUGE sacrifices your folks are making, it would be awfully nice of you to let your dad take the baby for a walk.

Of course you don't want to leave the baby a whole lot, and that's not what I'm suggesting. I agree with pp that you should tell your parents you'll be cashing in on their offer way more in a few years. But I also think that your parents sound like amazing people who have been there themselves and want the best for your marriage. There's a middle ground.

I agree with this. I didnt let anyone watch my DD for the first 4 months. We took a family trip to California with my parents and my DH's birthday fell during the week we were gone. My parents watched DD for about 2 hours while my DH and I went out for dinner. I missed her so much for the first 20 minutes, and I cried. But then DH said to me, "Youre a beautiful mama, but its really good to see you not pregnant and without a baby strapped to you." So, I do think its possible to have a good time and reconnect with your partner even if you are missing your baby.

We had a great date and it made my parents really happy to get to watch her. I too, was really stressed out about the milk, but I nursed before I left, and my parents fed her about 4 oz milk about 30 minutes before I got home, and she was sound asleep.

[octobermom]

I just say thankyou but I'm not comfortable leaving baby so young. Then I change the subject and if needed demand the topic move on.

Deanna

[Quinalla]

I think the best way is to sincerely thank them, but that you just aren't comfortable leaving her much more than you already do, especially since she is so young, but to hold on to those offers as you will be happy to take them up on them as she gets older. And definitely explain the painful nature of pumping to them if you haven't already. And if it works out, hand the baby off to them when it does make sense as they probably just want some more baby time and want to help you too, just make it on your terms where maybe you like to cook so you cook dinner with Grandpa holding the baby in the next room or go for a quick walk with DH while they watch her at home. But if you don't want to do those things, that's ok too, though it does sound like your DH wants some reconnect time and I would try to honor that in a way that is still in your comfort zone. But it sounds to me like pumping might be the bigger issue and there are lots things you can do in 30min-1hour right after feeding so you won't need to prepare a bottle. And my DD was the same way as far as being totally unpredictable on her hunger, it's just her nature.

[RiverSky]

I have two children, and they are 11 and 9, and it's only been the last year or two that I have felt comfortable going on date nights without them with my DH and having close friends watch them. I still don't want to do it very often though, just occasionally. I have been going out occasionally to Moms Night Outs for many years, but even those, I limit, because I just don't WANT to be away from my family that often (and I don't even work!).

So I can totally understand your lack of wanting to be away from your little one. DH and I went out TONS when our children were little, we just took them with us. We would even go to drive in movies with them, when we knew they would be fast asleep in the car by 8pm and we could watch a later non-G or PG movie ourselves.

How did I explain it to others? I simply made light of it, "I might be a little weird, but I just don't like being away from my children that much, I'm just not ready." My friends and I laugh about my extra-protectiveness and we all respect our differences on the matter. My children are not sheltered or anything, I don't think (we do homeschool), I just don't feel a need for them to be watched by others that much.

If I were you, I'd just tell my parents that "Weird as it may seem, I just miss my little one so much that I won't enjoy a date night at all, and would prefer to take little one with us. Maybe when DC is 5, I will feel differently."

[jennybear]

I'd recommend finding a time to talk to them about it when you're not feeling stressed, anxious, etc and when they haven't just asked to babysit. You expressed yourself very nicely here--those same appreciative words will work great when talking to them.

You may find (as I did!) that your baby starts going to bed earlier as she gets older. Once DD was 4-5 months, she settled into a 7pm bedtime (she moved into her crib at 4-ish months) and it was much easier to have date nights. We now just schedule them for times when she's already down for the night and don't feel like we're missing out on baby time.