Originally Posted by VisionaryMom
Yes. I feel everyone's assuming he's lying to manipulate without any real evidence. I didn't get from the op that this boy is saying "take me back or I'll kill myself." Rather he is reaching out and telling the op's daughter that his parents are abusive and that he wants to die because of it. He's self-harming. Those are indicators that something really is wrong.
I know of far too many suicides where later someone said, "he said he wanted to die, but I didn't believe him at the time." There was a high-profile suicide 2 weeks ago in which many people reported that the man who died said he wanted to die, and people brushed it off.
I find it very interesting that many of you are talking as if it's got to be "either/or" and not BOTH. It is completely possible (and most likely) that OP's dd's ex is both truly in a bad situation at home and possibly really suicidal... AND that he's manipulating dd and his knowledge that she cares about him to control her other friendships and keep her entwined in a relationship she now realizes she doesn't want to be in. (Telling her he's jealous of her friendship with others, he doesn't think he can trust her, pulling her back in when she starts to distance herself with details of his depression - I believe he's truly depressed, but that is also very manipulative).
I agree first and foremost with all the advice about helping dd understand that no matter what, she is NOT responsible for what her ex does or doesn't do to himself or anyone else. And that she needs to look out for her own emotional health first and foremost, which probably means offering concrete help (or letting OP offer him the help) and then getting some real distance from him.
But it's also true that if he's in real trouble, it would be best for OP or her husband to reach out to the bf and offer him some connections to resources (any free teen counseling or school counselor or whatever is appropriate in your area). Explain to him that it's up to him to reach out to really get help, but it's not ok for him to expect your dd to "save him" because that's not fair to either of them.
And then yeah, if he does talk to dd again and threaten suicide or cutting, she should call 911. And she should tell him ahead of time that if he does this again, that's what she'll do.
She is really too young to be burdened with all this, but the truth is that at NO age is this a healthy dynamic. Now that she's already in this, it would be great for her to learn how to keep herself safe and healthy as a priority. If she can do that and still be supportive to him, great, but IMHO that is too much to ask a 15 yr old to try to do.
One more thing, OP, you should also explain to your dd that she should be ready for friends or others to possibly give her a hard time or call her cold,heartless, any number of things. Hopefully that won't happen, but if that many of her friends are experiencing similar dynamics with boyfriends and friends, that means others may be threatened by her standing her ground and not taking responsibility for someone else's issues. If she were my dd I'd just talk her through her thoughts and feelings and possible responses if anyone gave her a hard time.
By the way what did the school counselor say about all this? (I think you said in a prior post you called them?)
It's great that your dd confided in you and talked to you. That bodes incredibly well for her and hopefully this situation, even though it seems so early to be dealing with it, will teach her some great things about herself.