do you consider yourself more of a homemaker or a sahp? - Page 6

[mamaofthree]

it seems to be one of those words we need to take back. because it does seem to leave a nasty taste in some peoples mouths. i find it empowering, but it is obvious that others find it to be a word that means entrapment and being controlled.
maybe it is the romantic in me, lol, that likes that word. it really speaks to me and says exactly what i do. yes i am also a stay at home mom, i am more then that, but i am also that. lol i guess it is the "home" part. having a home (not just a house) and making this place a home is really important to me, and i truly love doing it. i love doing it for the kids, for dh and for me (maybe most of all me). i love having a safe place that is full of love and full of us to live in. that is home, and i make it so.
i guess that is why, when i do work outside the home, i am an RN... i like taking care of people and making them comfortable and help them feel safe. heck if i do that for strangers that i may only see one night ever in my life... why would i not do that for my husband who i love so very much. (not that i have to be his nurse, but just that same level of care and love and dedication).
i know it isn't for everyone and i am OK with that. everyone has to find a thing that fills up their soul and makes them feel good. this is just what it is for me.

h

[Doodlebugsmom]

Originally Posted by mamaofthree 

it seems to be one of those words we need to take back. because it does seem to leave a nasty taste in some peoples mouths. i find it empowering, but it is obvious that others find it to be a word that means entrapment and being controlled.
maybe it is the romantic in me, lol, that likes that word. it really speaks to me and says exactly what i do. yes i am also a stay at home mom, i am more then that, but i am also that. lol i guess it is the "home" part. having a home (not just a house) and making this place a home is really important to me, and i truly love doing it. i love doing it for the kids, for dh and for me (maybe most of all me). i love having a safe place that is full of love and full of us to live in. that is home, and i make it so. 

 

I feel pretty much EXACTLY the same way. I'm not home full-time anymore. I've been a full-time student for just over a year. I'm starting graduate school in January, and plan to start substitute teaching while in grad school. I SAH full-time until my youngest started school last year. I am still a homemaker, and I always will be. It's my greatest passion.

[southernmommie]

Originally Posted by cappuccinosmom 

As far as your comments about what your teaching your son, I teach my son whatever he wants to learn. At 2.5 he bakes and cleans his room and makes is own bed. Just because he's male doesn't mean I don't teach him to care for himself, even though I do hope that he has a wife someday to care for him. I think you've made some assumptions about traditional roles that aren't true in most cases. We have mutual respect for each other-including the respect that God created us equal but different.

Well put.

I do the same for my sons. They are learning to cook, bake, sew, clean, etc. Because, quite differently from the assumption, having "traditional" roles in our house is not about the male being a pampered king and the female being chattel.

Dh does 99.9% of the income earning. I do 99.9% of the homemaking. If we can, we help each other out with those categories (he goes above and beyond when I'm sick and pregnant, and if I can find a way to earn some money that doesn't take me away from home, I do it). But we are both taking on big responsibilities that are important and valuable to the well-being of our family. He *could* make his own meals (he does now, actually, since he's out of the country ). And I could go work and bring in more income. But the idea of not making enough food for him to eat reasoning that it's "because he can make his own #%$* food, he's not my kid" is just not something I can wrap my mind around. I cook full family meals. Why would I deliberately make sure not to cook enough for him? How would making enough for the whole family be "babying" him? Or not tossing his clothes in the laundry when I'm down there doing laundry anyway. That would be just as spiteful of me to do as it would be spiteful of him to say "I'm the one working, the money is *mine*. If you want some cash, go get a job".

ETA: Disclaimer, I am *not* saying if things are arranged differently in your house that you're spiteful. I'm saying that in my marriage, the only thing that would lead to me deliberately making sure that I never "took care" of my husband would be a spiteful attitude towards him. I simply can think of no rational reason for me to purposely separate him out from the family as I do the things that are percieved as "caregiving".

This is where I stand also. I view this attitude as the DH not being a part of the family. Like he's being excluded. Other than sex and conversation, how is he a part of the "whole" if he has to work come home and still fend for himself every night? What kind of partnership is that? He works and provides the paycheck which buys food for all. Why can't you cook the food for all? He doesn't buy food only for himself and leave you and the kids with no food and none of the money either! It's this kind of thinking that I truly don't understand.

[Chamomile Girl]

Originally Posted by southernmommie 

This is where I stand also. I view this attitude as the DH not being a part of the family. Like he's being excluded. Other than sex and conversation, how is he a part of the "whole" if he has to work come home and still fend for himself every night? What kind of partnership is that? He works and provides the paycheck which buys food for all. Why can't you cook the food for all? He doesn't buy food only for himself and leave you and the kids with no food and none of the money either! It's this kind of thinking that I truly don't understand.

Yeah, I don't understand it either since not a single person has argued that this is what we do.  I don't know why poster after poster is responding to this straw man.  When I cook food I cook for everyone...but I expect that DH will cook food sometimes...for everyone...too (as he is right now as a matter of fact).  Why?  Because we are partners in this family.  I take care of the kid all day, he works, and when he comes home we share what needs to be done.

I also don't understand why its not OK for DH to "fend for himself" every night but it is OK for DW.  Both partners have been working all day, why does DH automatically get a pass?  Wouldn't DH actually seem like less of a part of the family if all he did when he came home was sit on the couch and wait for dinner?

I am sooooo confused by this odd and fabricated line of thinking.

[mamaofthree]

so this could totally be me, BUT from my own personal experience it doesn't take me 12 hours a day to do all that needs to be done in my house and i have 5 children and i homeschool. (just so you know i am actually at home with other people lol). but dh isn't in the home at all for 10-12 hours a day, so he can't do all the stuff at home that i can because he isn't there. i could just not do alot of stuff so then we could divide all the home duties just so it would be fair. but i see caring for the kids and the house as something that isn't mutually exclusive. i mean i can care for the kids and make breakfast, or clean the toilet or water the garden or whatever. i don't sit and wait for them to need something and leave everything all day so that dh and can split it all 50/50. 

so because i am home a lions share of the house work falls on me because i am home. if he was home all day then he would do it all i am sure (because we have lived that way in the past with me working 12 hours a day and him home with the kids).

i guess where some of us are getting the idea that dhs might be fending for themselves is the "ew" comments about caring for the husband in anyway. as in "i'm not his mother" which begs the question (for me) what does the ew come from if you do all the stuff his mom would do? i mean if you cook dinner for him, do his wash, and whatever else then what is "ew"? is it because someone prefers homemaker to SAHP? is it just the word/title homemaker that is a turn off? because if it is then you totally don't have to use it. use stay at home mom. i prefer homemaker. 

h

[Chamomile Girl]

Originally Posted by mamaofthree 

so this could totally be me, BUT from my own personal experience it doesn't take me 12 hours a day to do all that needs to be done in my house and i have 5 children and i homeschool. (just so you know i am actually at home with other people lol). but dh isn't in the home at all for 10-12 hours a day, so he can't do all the stuff at home that i can because he isn't there. i could just not do alot of stuff so then we could divide all the home duties just so it would be fair. but i see caring for the kids and the house as something that isn't mutually exclusive. i mean i can care for the kids and make breakfast, or clean the toilet or water the garden or whatever. i don't sit and wait for them to need something and leave everything all day so that dh and can split it all 50/50. 

so because i am home a lions share of the house work falls on me because i am home. if he was home all day then he would do it all i am sure (because we have lived that way in the past with me working 12 hours a day and him home with the kids).

i guess where some of us are getting the idea that dhs might be fending for themselves is the "ew" comments about caring for the husband in anyway. as in "i'm not his mother" which begs the question (for me) what does the ew come from if you do all the stuff his mom would do? i mean if you cook dinner for him, do his wash, and whatever else then what is "ew"? is it because someone prefers homemaker to SAHP? is it just the word/title homemaker that is a turn off? because if it is then you totally don't have to use it. use stay at home mom. i prefer homemaker. 

h

Maybe its because I only have one kid and he is quite young, but I associate "taking care of" with changing diapers, wiping butts and breastfeeding.  So, yeah, putting my husband into that category is pretty ewwww.

[cappuccinosmom]

 I also don't understand why its not OK for DH to "fend for himself" every night but it is OK for DW.  Both partners have been working all day, why does DH automatically get a pass?  Wouldn't DH actually seem like less of a part of the family if all he did when he came home was sit on the couch and wait for dinner? 

 Perhaps because--again--assumptions are being made.

My "work all day" includes cooking.  Cooking is not something I do after I do everything else.  It is an integral and central part of the work I do every day.  I do not expect dh to cook.  He does not expect me to leave my kids and get a job.  He also does not lounge around on the couch.  He works.  He works longer and harder than I do.  When supper is ready, I do not go to the couch to call him, I find him hard at work on some project to improve our home or living situation.

Where to you see a "pass" being given?

[southernmommie]

Originally Posted by Chamomile Girl 

Yeah, I don't understand it either since not a single person has argued that this is what we do.  I don't know why poster after poster is responding to this straw man.  When I cook food I cook for everyone...but I expect that DH will cook food sometimes...for everyone...too (as he is right now as a matter of fact).  Why?  Because we are partners in this family.  I take care of the kid all day, he works, and when he comes home we share what needs to be done.

I also don't understand why its not OK for DH to "fend for himself" every night but it is OK for DW.  Both partners have been working all day, why does DH automatically get a pass?  Wouldn't DH actually seem like less of a part of the family if all he did when he came home was sit on the couch and wait for dinner?

I am sooooo confused by this odd and fabricated line of thinking.

Okay. I understand what you are saying now and why I didn't before. You are referring to both partners working and the original question was not for both partners working. It was for the wife and which term she associated herself with more. So I was thinking the same thing. But you are referring to "both partners have been working all day". That changes the equation. Of course he would be expected to cook sometimes too. Mine does, he likes to cook, he's good at it, and it helps me out.

[crunchy_mommy]

Originally Posted by mamaofthree 

so this could totally be me, BUT from my own personal experience it doesn't take me 12 hours a day to do all that needs to be done in my house and i have 5 children and i homeschool. (just so you know i am actually at home with other people lol). but dh isn't in the home at all for 10-12 hours a day, so he can't do all the stuff at home that i can because he isn't there. i could just not do alot of stuff so then we could divide all the home duties just so it would be fair. but i see caring for the kids and the house as something that isn't mutually exclusive. i mean i can care for the kids and make breakfast, or clean the toilet or water the garden or whatever. i don't sit and wait for them to need something and leave everything all day so that dh and can split it all 50/50. 

so because i am home a lions share of the house work falls on me because i am home. if he was home all day then he would do it all i am sure (because we have lived that way in the past with me working 12 hours a day and him home with the kids).

I imagine this is where some of the discrepancy comes from. My DH is gone 10 hours a day, and out of those 10 hours I have maybe 20 minutes that I could, theoretically, do housework/cooking/etc. Maybe it's because I have a very demanding kid? Maybe it's because we have to spend most of the day out of the house to keep DS happy & stimulated? Maybe it's because I work 4 hours a day (from home, laptop) and DS will not sleep except beside me or on my lap, so I can't use naptime & nighttime to do housework & cooking like I imagine other moms must do? Maybe it's because I have a chronic illness, or maybe I just don't manage my time well? Regardless, I guess I view my role as SAHM because that's what I do all day -- I mother. I didn't leave the office & switch to part-time so I could stay home & do housework. I did it because I wanted to be able to take care of DS, to do exciting & stimulating activities with him, etc., and that really DOES take up my entire day. Maybe once he's older & more self-sufficient & independent, I'll have more time for the house stuff, but right now I don't. I 'work all day' taking care of DS (plus my part-time thing), and DH 'works all day' paying the bulk of the bills, and when he gets home we are both on even ground so we take turns cooking dinner or whatever else needs to be done. If I put DS in daycare so I could work, the daycare/nanny would spend all day taking care of my kid, not doing housework, so I don't know why I'd expect anything different from myself.  (I'm just explaining my point of view here, certainly not trying to criticize anyone else's situation, hope I managed to keep this unoffensive!!)

[pearl2]

I would love to shift my focus from being a SAHP to a homemaker. I will have 2 under 2 soon and just now feel like I have a small groove going. I feel like I need more TIME to get yet another groove going after this next baby arrives. For some reason I feel like the 'sweet spot' will be when they are older toddlers/preschool age. I don't have much self-discipline and would love to focus more on running the homefront.

I was really lost when I switched from working full time to having a baby and staying home as my job. After some frustration on both our parts, we had some frank talks about expectations and who does what for the house and family. We made a huge list of everything we could think of that involves running a household with children, even stating the obvious, like who brings in a paycheck and how, down to the less obvious things talked about, like our ick factor level of cleanliness in very specific areas. We even talked about protocol for refilling soap dispensers--anything you can think of, we discussed. Next we thought about our talents and gifts, our favorites and whatnot, and decided on a loose set of duties that we would try to stick to. They are very flexible though so no one gets in a rut. We did this to avoid resentment and it's been great. I have learned that I personally need and crave a "job description" or a structured to do list or else I will feel lost and like I am not pulling my weight. We both feel like we are a team and simply would not function if the other person did not make an effort. That's why I never ever feel like I am taking care of him and it's one-sided--he does SO MUCH for our family outside the home, and I do so much for this family inside the home, and we're in a great groove right now. So while I'm at home and might have a mountain of things to do that are boring and mundane, it's not like he's cavorting around at work--he also has boring and mundane things to do, and we do them for the sake of our family. In fact, if he slacks on his job, he could be putting the health and even very lives of 1.7 million people in our area in danger, so he has to be on his 'game' at all times. I am proud to help him be able to do that! Likewise, I'd be stressed to the max if I had his job and also had to worry about strife at home because my partner wasn't doing xyz or if I had resentment toward the arrangements. 

It is really hard for me to convey that with this structure we have now, I find more freedom and a lot less emotional uncertainty. 

Some examples of things he does are lawn care and I do cook 90% of meals because that is what works for our family, not dictated by traditional expectations or anything. We are both MUCH happier and rarely encounter problems--and especially resentment. He would kill to stay at home, but his job was the one where it made more sense to get the income and benefits, and he is really good at his job and enjoys it most days. I have way more education but hated my field, and we both agreed things would be a nightmare if I continued at my job full time and came home incredibly unhappy and stressed every day, or if we both were at work and while we had more money, our child was in daycare all day and we were all stressed out. We just had to have frank conversations about the expectations for our family and future. 

My whole point of this post though is to say that I'd like to step it up within my part of the responsibility to my family. I feel like I can strive for more excellence in some areas, and this challenges me in a good way. For example, if I know that it is usually my job to be responsible for the family's food, then the next step would be to think of recipes we like, make a rotating menu, and develop a shopping list. The next step after that is to get the best deals possible on this list so we can save money, etc. To me that is more of a homemaker aspect is finding the weakest areas and developing a plan to make the household function more smoothly. Do WOH moms/parents do this, too? OF COURSE they do; it's just I would like to step it up in my chosen way of identifying with a profession, if that makes sense. 

And if we had no kids, no way would I just be staying at home running the house. There really wasn't much to do without kids looking back on it other than find semi-clean clothes to wear and figure out what to eat. It would make no sense if we had no kids in the picture at any time. I was trying to switch careers anyway, so I would most likely attempt very hard to go that direction if we had no kids. I had a Master's by 23 so I feel no need to go back and get any more education, and we had done a ton of traveling, concert seeing, etc. We have both led pretty full lives before children arrived, so I don't feel like I am lacking in any area or holding off on any sort of dream of mine by having children and SAH. 

[BetsyS]

Originally Posted by Chamomile Girl 

Maybe its because I only have one kid and he is quite young, but I associate "taking care of" with changing diapers, wiping butts and breastfeeding.  So, yeah, putting my husband into that category is pretty ewwww.

This isn't the part of homemaking that I like best.  LOL.  I like creating the feeling of home.  Sure, those tasks are part of it the mothering part of it.  But, a small part of the "taking care of everyone" part of it.  My goal is that everyone in my family (dh and children, both) think to themselves, "home is a great place to be.  It's peaceful, it's joyful, and it's where I am loved."   So, the things I do are with that goal in mind.  Having nice suppers most days of the week works towards that ultimate goal. 

Another benefit to me of homemaking is that, when dh does come home, there is time.  Just time without pressures.  sure, there are house projects and the like, but those fill up a small portion of our together time.  There isn't a laundry list of chores to do, because I take care of most of that during the day.  Which frees up our evenings and weekends for a lot more fun.  Which we like. 

[mamaofthree]

i am not offended at all. i think that every family has to find the groove that works best for them. i know that some kids are WAY more demanding then others and it does take time, i think, to get into a good groove. i have been mothering for over 16 years now. i haven't always been a SAHP/homemaker 100% of the time like now, but i think over all the years i have done a lions share of the work around home. it doesn't bug me because i enjoy doing it. i think if it bothered me there would be a different arrangement for sure. i love cooking, baking, homeschooling, cleaning, taking the kids places, grocery shopping (ok maybe i don't love that one but i do it well. lol), just the general house care duties. so doing them, most of the time, doesn't bother me. like if i need to sweep and mop the kitchen the littlest ones can sit at the "bar" and color and we can talk while i do it, OR they play outside in the front yard/driveway which i can see from the kitchen window. and it has been an adjustment with each new child. because each one is completely different person and needs different things from me.

it helps that dh is always way way supportive and very thankful/grateful for all i do. which, honestly helps. it feels good to do stuff for people who are grateful for your effort. in fact after we moved (4 months ago) he took the jobs he did so i could be home full time again, because he knows this is what i love doing and he loves me doing it too.

h

[cdmommie]

I am a SAHP for sure.... no homemaking in me, lol.  I try, and I try HARD, but homemaking is not my calling.  I do my best to keep the kitchen and living room clean and keep the toys picked up.... There's no talented decorator, cook or seamstress in me....but I'm a darn good Mommy  Children are my calling.

Heck, half the time I even end up paying $15 bucks to the laundry mat to fold my laundry so it doesn't end up in a pile for the next two weeks