do you consider yourself more of a homemaker or a sahp? - Page 5

[Erinz]

Originally Posted by KempsMama

This attitude is what I run up against all the time when I say I am a homemaker.

Being a homemaker and caring for your family, including your husband, doesn't make you a maid. It doesn't mean the husband doesn't contribute to the household. It doesn't mean I tramps around the house while my husband rings a bell for tea. It means that I make sure the needs of everyone in my house are met, to the best of my abilities, that we have a clean, warm and inviting home for us and guests to enjoy, and that I'm always around for my children and husband.

My husband and I have traditional roles, and he is the head of the house. That in no way means that his needs "trump" anyone elses. It's in no way an "oogy male environment". My husband and children respect that while my duties are different then theirs, they are equally, if not more so, important.

Yup. Totally agree. Except my husband would probably crack up if I said he was head of the house. It would just be funny to us to say that. We both feel equal as a team.

I think it comes down to picking the right mate. I can't imagine why any woman (who didn't want it) would pick a demeaning, demanding, jerk of a husband. We are liberated people! We get to pick our own mates, as far as I know there isn't much arranged marriage in these parts, kwim?

The hostility of some of these comments is really sad to me.

[Smidge]

I enjoy being a homemaker and mother. I too love to cook/bake, etc etc. I hope to never return to the working world I'm HSing my kids and hope to through high school. However, I do love to educate people about things I'm passionate about (cding, bwing, erfing, etc) and enjoy the adult interactions that brings.

I feel blessed that my hubby works hard to provide for our family and that I get to stay at home and raise our children. It's not Disneyland by any means, but a pan of homemade brownies sure does put a smile on his face My hubby can and will take care of himself and our children. He's not some lowly, helpless man. He's proud to be self-sufficient, but he also loves to be taken care of. I think we all enjoy being taken care of, no matter our age, sex, or role in the family.

[~PurityLake~]

Originally Posted by mamaofthree

ok so here is a question for all the ewww people... do you wash all your stuff, your kids stuff and then leave your dh's clothes in a pile? do you make your food, food for the kids and then just leave him to make his own dinner? h

#1 Clothing. His clothes are not washed with ours. He works around grease, oil and smokes over a pack of cigs a day. If those clothes were washed with our clothes, or in a pile or hamper with our clothes, our health would be affected. We have asthma and allergies, he doesn't.

#2 He's not home when we are for meals. He doesn't like what we eat and I don't like touching meat, which he does like to eat. So no, I don't cook for him. I will put out some meat to thaw in the fridge for him to handle when he gets home, but by the time he's coming home, I'm preparing the kids for bed with baths and reading time.

As far as the ew goes, that is in reference to not taking care of my husband in the sense of doing things for him that a parent would do for a child. He takes care of his own personal hygeine, meals, and clothes. Again, I'm not his mom, I'm his wife.

We still do things for each other to show we care for each other, but this in no ways involves taking care of the other person's personal needs. I couldn't respect my spouse if he was requiring that kind of mothering attention.

[Chamomile Girl]

Originally Posted by KempsMama

This attitude is what I run up against all the time when I say I am a homemaker.

Being a homemaker and caring for your family, including your husband, doesn't make you a maid. It doesn't mean the husband doesn't contribute to the household. It doesn't mean I tramps around the house while my husband rings a bell for tea. It means that I make sure the needs of everyone in my house are met, to the best of my abilities, that we have a clean, warm and inviting home for us and guests to enjoy, and that I'm always around for my children and husband.

My husband and I have traditional roles, and he is the head of the house. That in no way means that his needs "trump" anyone elses. It's in no way an "oogy male environment". My husband and children respect that while my duties are different then theirs, they are equally, if not more so, important.

I am glad it works for your family. Like I said in my previous post it does not work for mine because of the experiences surrounding my parents' divorce. I like having a clean, warm, inviting home too (who doesn't?) I just don't see it as only my job to provide it.

I would just like to point out that you misquoted me...I never made reference to an "oogy male environment," but to "oogy male entitlement" which is a whole different beastie . What I mean by that is men who thinks things like dishes and cooking are womens' work and nothing they should have to worry about. Guys like this have trouble taking care of themselves if left to their own devices, and this is not something I wish for my son. So we model for him what we want him to learn...a household where all domestic responsibility is shared.

All families have different needs. The man as head of household wouldn't work for my family , but if it works for yours, great.

To a PP: As to the sadness towards the negative tone...I don't get it. What specifically are you sad about and why?

[mamaofthree]

Originally Posted by Erinz

Yup. Totally agree. Except my husband would probably crack up if I said he was head of the house. It would just be funny to us to say that. We both feel equal as a team.

I think it comes down to picking the right mate. I can't imagine why any woman (who didn't want it) would pick a demeaning, demanding, jerk of a husband. We are liberated people! We get to pick our own mates, as far as I know there isn't much arranged marriage in these parts, kwim?

The hostility of some of these comments is really sad to me.

i get what you are saying. i don't think many said that they were a slave to their man. that is where i get confused on the "ew" factor. it makes me feel a bit sad too.
if the word/s homemaker make you feel all yucky and SAMP doesn't, then use SAHP. i love the word/idea of being a homemaker because honestly that is what i am. like i stated before i make these four walls a home. that is something totally different then a house. (IMHO)
maybe it is like the "B" word, it can be taking as totally demeaning OR you can take it as empowering. sure homemaker can bring visions of some surpressed(sp) 1950's woman whose husband demands this and that. OR it can mean someone who lovingly cares for the house and all those in it (even the husband). and i don't think less of my husband because i wash his clothing, or fix his dinner. i do these things because i love him.
and i am so grateful that he has taken on a job (2 actually) that aren't his idea of dream jobs so that i can stay home. it has taken years for us to get to this point. so yes, i buy the coffee he likes, and make meals he enjoys and wash his clothing. BUT i also know that he would do the same for me if the situation was switched. so maybe it is more to do with who you married? i don't know.

h

[KempsMama]

Originally Posted by Chamomile Girl

I am glad it works for your family. Like I said in my previous post it does not work for mine because of the experiences surrounding my parents' divorce. I like having a clean, warm, inviting home too (who doesn't?) I just don't see it as only my job to provide it.

I would just like to point out that you misquoted me...I never made reference to an "oogy male environment," but to "oogy male entitlement" which is a whole different beastie . What I mean by that is men who thinks things like dishes and cooking are womens' work and nothing they should have to worry about. Guys like this have trouble taking care of themselves if left to their own devices, and this is not something I wish for my son. So we model for him what we want him to learn...a household where all domestic responsibility is shared.

All families have different needs. The man as head of household wouldn't work for my family , but if it works for yours, great.

To a PP: As to the sadness towards the negative tone...I don't get it. What specifically are you sad about and why?

I've never said that all domestic responsibility is mine, nor that my DH doesn't do dishes or laundry. He certainly does help out with those things as needed, and he's happy to. I'm sorry you had such a negative experience with traditional marriage, it's a tragedy. Just please becareful that you don't assume all experiences are as awful.

As far as your comments about what your teaching your son, I teach my son whatever he wants to learn. At 2.5 he bakes and cleans his room and makes is own bed. Just because he's male doesn't mean I don't teach him to care for himself, even though I do hope that he has a wife someday to care for him. I think you've made some assumptions about traditional roles that aren't true in most cases. We have mutual respect for each other-including the respect that God created us equal but different.

[tallulahma]

Being a homemaker, to me, is doing what I love. My dh doe all the laundry, I put it away. We both do dishes, we both clean, we both make dinners.

But I looooove to cook and I loooove to paint and craft and I really love to be able to sit and read and knit.

I have a lot of childless feminist friends that have no idea what to think of me- and my life choices have put a huge strain on our relationships. They think what I do is mindless & unfullfulling... Where I look at their lives and think "I would never want that again!"

I think the way your partner treats you makes a difference. My husband worships me practically. If he came home to a disaster house day after day he wouldn't bat an eye as long as we were happy.

We were both raised by feminist single mothers that were fiercely independent and incredibly successful in their careers. We both agree that for us, as children, we missed our moms, we both also look back and wish that they could have been more involved.

[cappuccinosmom]

As far as your comments about what your teaching your son, I teach my son whatever he wants to learn. At 2.5 he bakes and cleans his room and makes is own bed. Just because he's male doesn't mean I don't teach him to care for himself, even though I do hope that he has a wife someday to care for him. I think you've made some assumptions about traditional roles that aren't true in most cases. We have mutual respect for each other-including the respect that God created us equal but different.

Well put.

I do the same for my sons. They are learning to cook, bake, sew, clean, etc. Because, quite differently from the assumption, having "traditional" roles in our house is not about the male being a pampered king and the female being chattel.

Dh does 99.9% of the income earning. I do 99.9% of the homemaking. If we can, we help each other out with those categories (he goes above and beyond when I'm sick and pregnant, and if I can find a way to earn some money that doesn't take me away from home, I do it). But we are both taking on big responsibilities that are important and valuable to the well-being of our family. He *could* make his own meals (he does now, actually, since he's out of the country ). And I could go work and bring in more income. But the idea of not making enough food for him to eat reasoning that it's "because he can make his own #%$* food, he's not my kid" is just not something I can wrap my mind around. I cook full family meals. Why would I deliberately make sure not to cook enough for him? How would making enough for the whole family be "babying" him? Or not tossing his clothes in the laundry when I'm down there doing laundry anyway. That would be just as spiteful of me to do as it would be spiteful of him to say "I'm the one working, the money is *mine*. If you want some cash, go get a job".

ETA: Disclaimer, I am *not* saying if things are arranged differently in your house that you're spiteful. I'm saying that in my marriage, the only thing that would lead to me deliberately making sure that I never "took care" of my husband would be a spiteful attitude towards him. I simply can think of no rational reason for me to purposely separate him out from the family as I do the things that are percieved as "caregiving".

[tallulahma]

Also, for those that think "ew"- if you worked full time and dh stayed home with the kids and you came home night after night to a super clean, organize house with dinner cooked and muffins in the oven, would you really day "ew stop doing thy, I'm a grown woman, I can do that myself"

Because I can't imagine thinking that I would want my husband to stop pampering me. He rubs my feet and fetches me wine and brings me home presents and buys me hard to find Sylvia Plath and Kerouac books.... Lol.

I'm never like "ew, quit being my daddy I can do it myself"


I'm being half silly. But half serious. I feel like this attitude Is a product of sexism. Traditional "womans work" is degrading- because being a woman is degrading, to be respected as men are we should work and produce like men do?

I rather like to think that we can all just fill our cups with whatever we love and be free to choose our lives work without invoking feelings of disgust.




The ew comment are degrading to fellow women who enjoy their lives as traditional wives.

As long as no one is forcing or manipulating them into it...Kwim?

[Chamomile Girl]

Originally Posted by KempsMama

I'm sorry you had such a negative experience with traditional marriage, it's a tragedy. Just please becareful that you don't assume all experiences are as awful.

I guess I don't know what you mean by "traditional marriage." My experience with my Catholic parents marriage was awful (and since they got kicked out of the church for being divorced it taught me things about religion as well), but MY marriage is awesome. Different boundaries and expectations needed to be set is all. I don't think of that as a tragedy but as a lesson well learned. Plus I clearly have much better taste in men than my mom did.

As far as your comments about what your teaching your son, I teach my son whatever he wants to learn. At 2.5 he bakes and cleans his room and makes is own bed. Just because he's male doesn't mean I don't teach him to care for himself, even though I do hope that he has a wife someday to care for him. I think you've made some assumptions about traditional roles that aren't true in most cases. We have mutual respect for each other-including the respect that God created us equal but different.

Well your son is still young, but I hope the things he learns will not always be just what he wants to do...but things he has to do. My husband grew up in a home with very traditional roles and was never taught to cook. He learned much later on his own, but lacks important basic knowledge that his mom never passed down. His dad can't cook at all; can't even boil water for pasta, which I find really odd. I think these types of strictly enforced gender roles are not empowering for men.

Originally Posted by cappuccinosmom

Well put.

I do the same for my sons. They are learning to cook, bake, sew, clean, etc. Because, quite differently from the assumption, having "traditional" roles in our house is not about the male being a pampered king and the female being chattel.

They are learning these things which is great...but the example you are setting for them is that the woman does 99% of the work in the home. Therefore the woman is supposed to do 99% of the work in the home. Someday that is what they will expect from the woman they marry. Hopefully they find someone that finds that empowering, and not someone like me who does not.
...

But the idea of not making enough food for him to eat reasoning that it's "because he can make his own #%$* food, he's not my kid" is just not something I can wrap my mind around. I cook full family meals. Why would I deliberately make sure not to cook enough for him? How would making enough for the whole family be "babying" him? Or not tossing his clothes in the laundry when I'm down there doing laundry anyway. That would be just as spiteful of me to do as it would be spiteful of him to say "I'm the one working, the money is *mine*. If you want some cash, go get a job".

You are creating a straw man argument here. I do not believe that anyone is saying this is the way it should be. In fact I think I have made pretty clear that each family needs to create their own system and their own expectations that works for them. In my family expectations are shared, because otherwise I would feel like chattel. You are free to have a different worldview .

ETA: Disclaimer, I am *not* saying if things are arranged differently in your house that you're spiteful. I'm saying that in my marriage, the only thing that would lead to me deliberately making sure that I never "took care" of my husband would be a spiteful attitude towards him. I simply can think of no rational reason for me to purposely separate him out from the family as I do the things that are percieved as "caregiving".

and all I am saying is that the "caregiving" of my husband is not something I feel obligated to do because of my at-home role. I do things for him because I love him...same as many of y'all

Originally Posted by tallulahma

Also, for those that think "ew"- if you worked full time and dh stayed home with the kids and you came home night after night to a super clean, organize house with dinner cooked and muffins in the oven, would you really day "ew stop doing thy, I'm a grown woman, I can do that myself"

Well we have been in a situation where I worked full time and DH was (unemployed) at home all day. I never expected much of him during that time honestly. When he made dinner it was great because I was working 12 hour days and was pretty braindead. But if he didn't we got into the kitchen together and worked things out. If it had been as you describe I would have felt odd...honestly.

Because I can't imagine thinking that I would want my husband to stop pampering me. He rubs my feet and fetches me wine and brings me home presents and buys me hard to find Sylvia Plath and Kerouac books.... Lol.

That is pretty awesome, but again he does it because he loves you, not because it is part of his expected role. That makes a huge difference to me.

I'm never like "ew, quit being my daddy I can do it myself"


I'm being half silly. But half serious. I feel like this attitude Is a product of sexism. Traditional "womans work" is degrading- because being a woman is degrading, to be respected as men are we should work and produce like men do?

I rather like to think that we can all just fill our cups with whatever we love and be free to choose our lives work without invoking feelings of disgust.



The ew comment are degrading to fellow women who enjoy their lives as traditional wives.

As long as no one is forcing or manipulating them into it...Kwim?

Well I agree with this last, but it would still be ew to me to think of my husband like that...or to think it was my responsibility to take care of him.

What I see here is that many of you have chosen the homemaker lifestyle, and are actively defining it, which is great. As long as it is you creating the expectations, and not your husband, or his mother or society. I am free to do the same I think...and I have not chosen to be a homemaker (because like it or not the terminology gives me the willies) but a SAHM...for now...even though I do not enjoy it.

[tallulahma]

I think that's key. I would never married a man tha expected it or demanded it.

And it would be weird if MY dh had the house immaculate ever. Lol. He is down to scrub floors all day- but clutter and disorganization are his taglines.

I think, ime, my friends issues with me are that they think I am trying to fit a mold of what I think a mother should be and that I'm wasting my intelligence. I KNOW so so so many woman who would go NUTS living my life. I never leave my kids, I clean a lot, I'm home A LOT...etc.

But for now? I love it. And mAN I was the teenager giving my mom crap for trying to teach me to cook. I used to say "I will NOT be some man's cook." then when dd1 was about 1.5 I started getting into baking... Then cooking...etc.

But this discussion has made me think, if I DIDN'T have a career that I could jump into, if I couldn't go back to school if I wanted, or if i didnt love painting and such- OR if my partner didn't help or offer me nights out, day out, etc... I could imagine feeling very stuck or unhappy... Like I said, I feel very much like I hit the jackpot.

[cappuccinosmom]

They are learning these things which is great...but the example you are setting for them is that the woman does 99% of the work in the home. Therefore the woman is supposed to do 99% of the work in the home.

If that is the case (and it's not, because we currently live with my family that has a very different setup, including a full-time woh grandma and a bunch of adults in the home who participate in household chores on an as-needed basis and not according to predetermined roles. They know that there are other arrangements and that we do not hate or denigrate people who live other arrangements. ), what gets forgotten here is that the other side of the expectation is that the man does 99% of the income-earning. That is not *nothing*. We're not talkinga bout a situation where the man spends half the day at the bar, drinking his paycheck away while his wife slaves away at home. I will have no problem if they grow up with the idea that income-earning and homemaking are two distinct roles but of equal value to a family. They are also learning that when you love someone, you care for them. You step out of your "role" if need be to show that care. You step out of your comfort zone to show that love. If that means he comes home from work and immediately picks up the child care tasks because I'm sick and non-functional, he does it. And if that means I give up some free time to help him with an income-earning project, I do it. They see their daddy doing that, and they see me doing that. We don't demand, and we don't refuse to do things because we think the other person should just do it themselves and leave us alone. We look for ways to help each other out, and that's as much my obligation in marriage as it is his. Yes, we view it as a moral obligation.

I too hope they will marry women who do not find that oppressive and icky.

[KempsMama]

Originally Posted by cappuccinosmom

If that is the case (and it's not, because we currently live with my family that has a very different setup, including a full-time woh grandma and a bunch of adults in the home who participate in household chores on an as-needed basis and not according to predetermined roles. They know that there are other arrangements and that we do not hate or denigrate people who live other arrangements. ), what gets forgotten here is that the other side of the expectation is that the man does 99% of the income-earning. That is not *nothing*. We're not talkinga bout a situation where the man spends half the day at the bar, drinking his paycheck away while his wife slaves away at home. I will have no problem if they grow up with the idea that income-earning and homemaking are two distinct roles but of equal value to a family. They are also learning that when you love someone, you care for them. You step out of your "role" if need be to show that care. You step out of your comfort zone to show that love. If that means he comes home from work and immediately picks up the child care tasks because I'm sick and non-functional, he does it. And if that means I give up some free time to help him with an income-earning project, I do it. They see their daddy doing that, and they see me doing that. We don't demand, and we don't refuse to do things because we think the other person should just do it themselves and leave us alone. We look for ways to help each other out, and that's as much my obligation in marriage as it is his. Yes, we view it as a moral obligation.

I too hope they will marry women who do not find that oppressive and icky.

Well put. I was just thinking about this thread and wishing I could convey how important my job as a homemaker is, because I think the big problem is when people don't VALUE a homemaker. When it's not valued, it loses value, and women start to see themselves with less value. I firmly believe that my being a homemaker is the single most important thing I will or can do with my life. I believe that everything I do, no matter how small, has a much deeper meaning and purpose than the act itself. My acts show my husband that I love and appreciate him, my acts show my children that they are and always will be loved, and my acts show my love for God. When you come to the realization that doing dishes is one of the most fundamentally necessary things in this world, and that without those simple "chores" the world cannot continue, you realize that the homemaker is a valuable part of society. And when you realize that, you no longer say eww.

And lets face it, when my hubby's happy, he does more things that make me happy...like cleaning the litterbox.

[mamaofthree]

if anyone is completely unhappy doing what they are doing, why on earth do you do it? when you do something with love and because you enjoy it it is seen by those you do it for. if you are staying at home because you "should" but you don't find it fulfilling and you don't really enjoy it, your kids can tell. my mom stayed home for YEARS to care for my bro and me, and she was really unhappy doing it. it showed, you could tell. thing were better when she went back to work when my brother started 1st grade. not just because we had more money, but because she seemed happier.
i LOVE staying home and caring for the family and the house. but if i was unhappy everyday and was just doing it because... well then i wouldn't. because i know they would be able to tell i was unhappy.

h

[happyhats]

I'm pretty sure I'll always stay a homemaker. At this point there is no other calling or career that has ever interested me as much. I might take on more volunteering or community type interests when the children get older and become grown. But I don't see myself ever working a job/career outside my home. I am more of a "traditional wife" than I realized, but it is by my own choosing. I clean because I enjoy a clean home, and my husband doesn't have the same knack and energy for it. I really enjoy organizing, baking, meal planning, things of that nature. As far as cooking, that is really mostly the hubby's domain-my daughter and I are more grazers during the week when he is not home, and we have our main meals together with him doing a lot of/all of the work there. I don't think my husband would ever enjoy being a sahp/homemaker like I do, as his passions aren't the same and he really enjoys the socialization of working outside the home. I'm more of a reclusive person by nature so my ideal socialization is with my closeknit community of friends and family.

[major_mama11]

For my family, I see the role of homemaker as benefiting ALL members of the family. Making life for the entire family more sane and balanced. Basically, functioning as the center point of the household.

I have gone back and forth between being a SAHM and also a WOHM. DH is wonderful about picking up the slack at home during those times when I am a WOHM, like lately. But we have found that, even with our equitable roles that we have, all of us are just too frazzled and exhausted when I WOH this many hours (hence I am cutting back to very part-time in Jan.)

To me, it's about a saner pace of life for all of us when I'm home more. I get more of the housework done when DH is at work, and therefore, he doesn't have to spend his off hours doing lots of cleaning and laundry. He has more energy to play with the kids when he's home, hence, I get time to just sit and relax and do nothing. When I'm home more, he and I BOTH have a lot more leisure time to just be together as a family, rather than always trying to get the next thing done the way it is on weeks that we both work.

Homemaker, to me, is about better quality of life for all four of us.

[crunchy_mommy]

Originally Posted by mamaofthree

if anyone is completely unhappy doing what they are doing, why on earth do you do it?

Because sometimes life hands you lemons & making lemonade doesn't always come easily. Sometimes there are no jobs available, or daycare is so expensive that you'd lose money working. Sometimes family members have long-term illnesses. Or, like me, sometimes you would much rather take a stab at 'homemaking' but are stuck in a job you hate because you need health insurance & it is one of the only jobs that allows you to work from home part-time & still get that health insurance. I'm 'settling' for stay-at-home-mom but my life still revolves around my WAH job and I hate it, I want it to revolve around DS, DH, the house...

I do recoil against traditional gender roles, mostly because I grew up with a father who was completely helpless, wouldn't even get his own clean socks from the laundry basket & probably cooked 5 meals in his whole life. I was relieved when DH & I got together & I discovered some men are willing to do laundry & go grocery shopping. In fact, before we met, I had no intention of ever getting married, I think partly because of those gender roles.

I do think if I wasn't WAH 20 hours a week (with no childcare), I would expect MYSELF to clean, cook, etc. a lot more. Right now, a lot of that falls on DH, because I simply don't have time & I have a chronic illness. I would think it very bizarre if DH *always* did all the housework AND all the money-earning AND a good portion of the child-rearing, and I hope someday soon we can move into homemaker/WOHP roles if he's able to find a well-paying job with health insurance. I don't think I would ever define my role as "taking care of DH" though (barring some illness or injury), because to me that implies that he is so helpless & needy that I need to stay home 8-10 hours a day just to fulfill all his desires. I know that's not at all the case for others on here, but that's how it would feel to me & I shudder at that thought.

[~PurityLake~]

Originally Posted by crunchy_mommy

I don't think I would ever define my role as "taking care of DH" though (barring some illness or injury), because to me that implies that he is so helpless & needy that I need to stay home 8-10 hours a day just to fulfill all his desires. I know that's not at all the case for others on here, but that's how it would feel to me & I shudder at that thought.

This is what I picture when I hear someone say they spend their days taking care of their spouse. This is where the 'ew' feeling comes from, for me. I cannot imagine a grown adult requiring another human being to become their personal caretaker, in an equal partnership, outside of an actual physical/mental need for a round - the - clock medical caretaker.

[mamaofthree]

i don't think anyone who chooses to be called a homemaker is saying that though. taking care of the family includes the SO, but isn't just about them. i have yet to read on here that anyone said they spoonfeed their dh and he is some helpless man who needs constant care.
caring for them is just part of being a homemaker... ie: i do his wash (not that he is incapable of washing his own clothing, but i am DOING the wash anyway, why leave his out), fixing dinner and making sure there is food for him (because i am cooking food anyway, why would i leave him out that is just mean IMO) and with this one making foods he likes (and i like and the kids like), the list could go on and on. it isn't that my husband is unable to do this stuff.. but he does work outside the home 10-12 hours a day and has work at home he does on line 3-4 days a week... so he doesn't have alot of time to do alot of this stuff, but i am home all day (most days) so why would i not do it?
he works outside the house to provide for us, it isn't like he isn't doing anything. he makes it possible for me to do what i love doing. so i do like doing nice things for him. and he does nice things for me.
i like being called a homemaker because honestly i feel like that is what i do, i make a home. i make a home for all the people (including my husband) in this house.

h

[cappuccinosmom]

i don't think anyone who chooses to be called a homemaker is saying that though. taking care of the family includes the SO, but isn't just about them. i have yet to read on here that anyone said they spoonfeed their dh and he is some helpless man who needs constant care.

Exactly.

I guess experiences inform assumptions, but the assumptions are kinda frustrating.

Dh works outside of the home. I work in the home. He earns money, which both of us spend. I cook food, which all of us eat. His job gets insurance that covers all of us. I do the laundry for all of us. He works extra hours so that I can have some nice things. I work extra so that he can have something nice to drink when he comes home from work, and clean clothes, and a good, hot meal. That would not change if we had no children. We're not aiming for "exactly the same". We're aiming for a mutually-beneficial set up, and for us that means we each take on different roles, rather than trying to split all the roles exactly down the middle. There's no reason for me to tell him he's a grown man so he can make his own food and get his own laundry done, than for him to tell me that I'm a grown woman so I should just go out and get a job. We do different jobs, but we're both doing it for the benefit of everyone in the family, each other, and ourselves.