Self soothing

[HonkyTonka]

I was reading a "personal pediatrician" book that was gifted to me and came across a section on sleep. I talked about the many sleep cycles that babies go through throughout the night or during a nap. The book said that 4-6 months was the easiest time to help your baby figure out how to put itself back to sleep after waking. The book suggested putting baby to bed awake but sleepy and not getting the baby accustomed to pre-sleep nursing/rocking/singing/etc. because then it would need the same soothing techniques to fall back asleep after rousing.

My kid is a good sleeper, but I usually nurse her to sleep. DH dances her to sleep (or they fall asleep together on the couch). If the stars align, I can put her in her bed sleepy and she'll fall asleep, but normally something isn't right and she just goes from sleepy to fussing to crying (no amount of singing or belly rubbing works) until I pick her up (and usually nurse her). She's 4.5 months.

I want to know if anyone has witnessed their child learn how to calm themselves down to get to bed/nap without CIO. How did you do it? Or is it all about timing and I just suck at reading my kids signals?

[toughcookie]

the sleep cycles are well documented. but 6 months was the earliest that my baby could self-soothe at nighttime, [at 10 months he still doesn't do it for naps]. at 6 months we started putting DS in his crib at night awake. we have found that the pre-bedtime routine was KEY in showing our son that when he has had his dinner, his bath, and been read to, that he will be put down, and that it's okay, it happens every night. when he turned 6 months we moved house from a place with no bathtub, and didn't have a crib yet. when we were in our new house we were very persistent with this pre-bed routine, and now the cues are ingrained. by the time he's getting his jammies put on after bath he's sleepy. also really important is he has his snugglebug to hold onto and his crib-only paci in. those are perfect conditions for getting our awake babe to go to sleep, and when he wakes up in the middle of the night, he soothes back to sleep, unless he is cold.

[waiting2bemommy]

well, until I had dd, I had no idea that babies actually did this, so I'm sure it depends on what brand of baby you have

However to get her to sleep we lay her on her belly and hum loudly or turn on the fan for white noise while vigorously patting/rocking her butt. She fusses a bit and rubs her face in the sheet and then usually finds her fingers to suck on (or we find them for her, lol) then we just pat/rock, gradually easing a blanket over her, wait til her eyes are closed, and sneak out. she actually falls asleep like this and has been ever since about 3.5 or 4 months. it's shocking to me. Every time it happens I have to pinch myself because my first kid had to be nursed AND bounced/rocked/swayed/danced for HOURS to sleep. this whol self soothing, fall asleep independently thing is AMAZING.

[alegna]

I'm of the -it all depends on the individual baby- school of thought.

IME MOST babies need to be parented to sleep. My ds was one though that if I had tried he would have been a baby I could have trained to be laid down and go to sleep on his own (often... not always)

-Angela

[jenfl]

Another vote for "depends on the baby". My DD wasn't able to put herself to sleep until about a year - 18 months -- she nursed down every time (night and naps).

My DS has always preferred to go to sleep on his own. Some of that probably has to do with being tongue tied and not really liking to nurse when he was younger, but he never nursed to sleep until probably 4 months old. Now that he's 6 months, he nurses or is parented to sleep about half the time, puts himself down the other half (sucks on his middle 2 fingers).

Both have very firm bedtime routines, which we've found really really important. (To transition DD from nursing to sleep to not, we did books -> nurse -> bed for most of her life, then changed it to nurse -> books -> bed).

But, yeah, I didn't do anything differently. I just have different kids.

[maydaymom10]

We're still working on this, but DS (5 months) is learning right now. It's hit or miss. I've been basically following the No Cry Sleep Solution which outlines a process that helps them learn how to self soothe. Some days are better than others.

Sometimes I can put him in his crib sleepy, but awake and he'll be OK. Often I stay in the room, away from the crib, until I know he's asleep. That way I can respond quickly if he starts to cry. Last night I finally slipped out when he was still awake after 30 mins, but he was just babbling away to the animals in the crib. He did start crying a bit later, but we were able to get to him quickly & comfort him back to sleep.

I also agree with the PP in that routines & schedules are key -- even if the routine is abbreviated at times. We usually start bedtime no later than 6:30 pm and I have a playlist of lullabies that I put on. We usually bathe, massage, nurse, read (if he's still not sleepy), and then rock until sleepy. Some nights are longer than others, but it usually takes about an hour from start to sleep. I've been doing a shortened version of this before his morning nap. We're usually up for the day by 7:30, so his first nap is around 9:30 or so.

DS is still not STTN, but it's getting better. Good luck. I know we're all looking forward to an extended amount of sleep for ourselves

[MamaPhD]

I put DD to sleep in the crib around 4 months old. I nursed her and then when she was 90% asleep, I put her down. NATURALLY she woke up and cried immediately. Then I picked her up (I would NEVER leave her alone to cry even now at 22 mo!) and rock her for a few minutes until she calmed down and got sleepy again. Then I put her down second time. I set my personal limit at 3 tries. If she woke up all 3 times, then she wins and I hold/rock her until she is 100% asleep then put her down.

This was a little bit of work in the beginning, but really took less than 5-10 min to go through my 3x limit. After 1-2 weeks, every once in a while, I COULD put her down still awake, however barely. So I continued with the same method. At night, she usually woke up once, and I would nurse her and she pretty much passed out immediately so I didn't get to put her down still awake, but that was fine. I think it took many months until I could put her down awake consistently (I think DD was 8-9 months?). She never used passi or sucked on her fingers or anything visible to sooth herself. But just over time, she learned to relax. It was around then she also started to sleep through the night.

We didn't really get into bed time routine until DD was older (6-8months?) but it does really help, if not for the baby immediately, then for yourself. Just go down the checklist. A lot of times I could tell DD was pretty tired so didn't bother with a whole routine, just nursing on the rocking chair was it.

I really liked my method because it was very gradual and I was always there to help her fall asleep if she wasn't quite ready or in the mood. It worked! But then again, I think DD is a naturally good sleeper to begin with. Good luck!

[ErinYay]

Depends on the baby, and depends on the baby's stages!

Until a bit over a month ago, V was a textbook AP-sleep baby- she slept great, as long as she was nursed and cuddled down. Then everything hit the fan, and she just. Wouldn't. Sleep.

FINALLY, one day, I set her down in her crib so I could work on a project, and after 5 minutes of playing quietly, she was asleep. Since then, she's become a master self-soother, and puts herself to sleep for naps, and last night, put herself back to sleep when she woke at 4am to nurse.

I always sort of thought it was a cop-out when parents would say "oh, she sleeps so much better alone," until it turned out to be true for ours.

She's getting great sleep, with no fussing or crying, which is a big change. I am not doing so well, though. I miss having her with me, and have been up since 4, bc I just can't get back to sleep without her. I even tried taking a nap with her yesterday, and she wasn't having any of it.

It's a bittersweet thing, for sure.

[busymama77]

I agree that at 6 months is when babies start learning to self soothe and that a bedtime routine is absolute KEY! But there are times when you can't always stick to it.
We started putting DS awake, but sleepy in his crib right at 6 months. His bedtime routine consisted of dinner, bath, jammies, lotion, a book (sometimes) or a small toy to chew on and I would rock with him and sing to him with the lights off and a nightlight on. Very quite and peaceful.
After laying him down, he would 'talk' for a bit, look at his mobile and drift off to sleep. Took maybe 5 to 10 mins tops. He's been STTN since he was 25 weeks old.

Actually, last night, was the most amazing bedtime routine. We were tummy to tummy in the glider, his legs straddled me, his head on my shoulder and he was occassionaly looking around. It was so peaceful and comforting. He wasn't looking to get down, grab something...it was just him and I. I so didn't want to put him to bed, but it was time.

[Deir]

Good info here!

[croleRN]

Depends on baby seems to be a recurring thought. Out of 3 kids -- all have different self-soothing techniques, that adapted at different ages. None when they were babes. Interestingly - my 3yr old still takes a LONG nap; and usually tells me when she's ready. She also primarily prefers mom or dad to be there with her when she falls asleep. But not always. My 7yr DD; sleeps very well - also usually wakes up at 4-5ish and asks to crawl into bed w/ us (She will go back in her bed if we ask - but she gets so much out of it it's - Fine w/ me!)
My almost 7mo co-sleeps naps & night. And knows OUR bed is his bed too. If he wakes and sees our bed - he goes right back to sleep. (usually) He also is starting some teething - which always throws bumps in the road.

BUT - as a family - once we started respecting what our kids needed to help them sleep - we ALL slept better. I threw all of the "sleep" books in the trash about 6 1/2 years ago!

[smeep]

Be VERY aware when you read anything about "self soothing"...it's usually just a "nicer" term for CIO. Sometimes they even really make it sound like it's nothing like CIO. Just FYI, keep an eye out.

[HonkyTonka]

Thanks ladies! Gonna get serious about the bedtime routine now - seems like that is the common theme among all the posts.

[WaitingForKiddos]

Ds is 3 months old and has STTN since about 3 weeks ago with about 90% accuracy. I have no idea if he 'self soothes' and I agree with the PP that when I see that term it's generally promoting some form of CIO. I don't know if I'd call falling asleep w/o nursing/rocking etc as self soothing. When I think of self soothing I think of someone being relaxed, or at least not upset then becoming far less relaxed or even upset and then, without any outside influences, getting back to that relaxed state. It seems like an adult trait.

I'm of the opinion that the whole issue of STTN and the soothing thing depends on the person....ya, person. Not baby. DH is nearly 30. He'll wake me up frustrated that he can't get to sleep or back to sleep and request a head scratch. I fall asleep easily and have no issue with giving him some scratchy love to get him back down. I'm 32. When I can't sleep I take a hot bath or pre-nursing I'd pop an Ambien. Hardly the self soothing it seems 'we' ask of infants. If I needed my outside soothing options and some outside force said no I'd cry like a little one too. I dunno'. I guess I'm only 3 months in but I just don't see the harm in not overthinking the whole sleep thing.

I'll never get why we expect more of infants than we are willing to do ourselves.