Talk me down MIL issue vent update #19

[dakotablue]

OK so I'm very very angry. I've posted about MIL on here before. The big thing I had with her was that I did not feel comfortable having her small poodle who has bitten everyone in the family, except her and SIL as well as a 5 year old child. This dog also attacks his crate if it moves (like the door by itself).

I don't want the dog out or near my child. She had in the past tried to put the dog in his face. Since a major blow out about her refusing to put the dog away when Dh told her to (He had discussed the dog not being out before that visit and she had agreed) We had not returned to their house.

The first time we return to their house was because Dh's cousin was bringing her baby over for a visit (we like never see her she's 5 hours away)
When we arrived the dog was out back. Everything went ok, she even let DS walk away when he pushed at her because she tried to grab him when he fell near her (he was just learning to walk so falling happened a lot)

Fast foward to why I'm Mad. Dh's sister mentioned softly the next time he saw her without me How great the dog did with the cousins baby, even when he started to go into the dogs crate.

I think this is a slap in the face. 1st MIL has never owned a dog before and knows nothing about dogs. I on the other hand have owned dogs my whole life and have done tons of research, plus college classes, plus have done dog training myself. She put this other persons child in danger to 'prove' me wrong. Which by the way this proves nothing. I don't think the dog would attack 1st or 2nd time, but once territory becomes apparent he will. He attacks everyone over territory including people going near MIL.

Plus, small dogs and babies not the best combo usually. Especially once with a history of aggression.

I have felt for a long time MIL is manipulative and she IS passive aggressive and other family has mentioned she gently pushes how crazy I am and that Dh and I won't work because I'm basically railroading him. Yeah Dh has stood up to her, but that doesn't change her delusion.

I'm so so so so angry right now. I have to see them Thursday (DS birthday already invited) I'm just so so sick of her. BUT Dh wants to try to get past this. I just don't see MIL doing anything to change at all and how can I get past this if she does nothing. I don't want contact, Dh does solely because MIL controls rest of family and we both love them. Plus DH says its not like she can do anything while were there.

ARRRRRRGGGGG tell me I'm crazy tell me I'm wrong Tell me anything, (or agree cause I'm probably right) I have to get through Thursday and I have to sleep tonight. I was making progress in forgiving her.

[grumpybear]

I may be missing something here but... how do you know that she did what she did to "prove you wrong?"

[greenmulberry]

You are right, MIL is wrong, and this is so dangerous!

She needs to keep the dog away from babies, and NOBODY should let a child go into a dog's crate if it has issues with the crate.

I train dogs that come into our rescue to rehabilitate them to be proper pets for new homes, and we get quite a few dogs relinquished to us because nobody either taught the dog proper calm behavior around kids, or just kept the dog separated from kids if it could not handle it.

Please keep your child away from the dog. The dog's behavior isn't going to change unless MIL has some kind of radical transformation and really gets into training the dog, so you of course need to take steps to protect your child until he is older.

[dakotablue]

Originally Posted by grumpybear

I may be missing something here but... how do you know that she did what she did to "prove you wrong?"

Just knowing MIL, she pulls manipulative shit all the time. I got her to admit to many many things during our long talk after the big blow out. (things prior to our marriage, during our wedding, since the baby)

She has been telling everyone we are just crazy this whole time. I'm not surprised she jumped at the chance to prove me wrong.

I can't really give exact yes I know she did this other than its her MO.

Example of prior manipulation, Silent treatment (her favorite weapon) Crying in the living room (and stopped when no one was near her) until Dh's siblings called Dh to yell at him for upsetting her. (Oh and stopping and being happy as soon as they did call)

There are more, but telling them is making even more mad.

[grumpybear]

Ok. And I'm not trying to make you mad, just trying to get a clearer picture, really...

Are you mad because you felt that she was just trying to prove you wrong or are you made that she put somebody else's child in danger?

[lilmom]

Well, I don't know how much I can help talk you down, because I think this sounds very dangerous and also very manipulative, based on the info you gave.

So all I can say is, don't let your child around the dog. And good luck in the future with MIL. I have one of those kind too. It's no fun.

[dakotablue]

Originally Posted by grumpybear

Ok. And I'm not trying to make you mad, just trying to get a clearer picture, really...

Are you mad because you felt that she was just trying to prove you wrong or are you made that she put somebody else's child in danger?

Your not making me mad...dh currently is though, he's mad I'm mad.


Both, I feel like she is a bad person now. She's trying to vilify me and in the process puts a child in danger. It makes me sick. No argument is worth proving yourself right when the risks of being wrong are so high.

[Norasmomma]

I get it, my grandma is passive-aggressive with a PITA little dog, I have been attacked by her dog as a child(not this dog, but 2 others in the past).

Plain and simple keep the dog and the baby away from each other. If she wants to endanger someone else's kid to prove a point, well so be it, hopefully nothing happens.

My grandma's dog is not allowed in my house or near my children, end of story. I could go on and on, but I really can't stand my g-ma she manipulative and horrid. She says terrible stuff about everyone. Trust me I get it.

[sapphire_chan]

Course the dog was fine with the new baby going by the crate. It figured the baby was a puppy and that it'd get taken down by a mama bitch if it looked the wrong way at the intruding suckling.

Pity MIL will probably have the dog put down for being aggressive when it decides that the little cousin is an adult and bites a rude toddler hand. Plus side, you'll be able to visit then.

Or maybe the dog'll mellow with age? It could happen.

[jellybeanmumma]

Passive aggressive is soo fun hey? Can you find some books or "expert" advice from the web and give her a huge pile of info on why biting dogs are not good with kids? I mean it should be common sense but if sense was really common everyone would have it! She prob won't read it but it shows ur not crazy. It is a shame she put the other bub at risk I think even really well trained dogs need to be closely watched with kids as kids can be unpredictable and if an animal feels threatened it will bite. Usually a trained dog that knows it place actually takes on a protector roll with a small child but a dog that thinks it is top dog will fight and bite to keep its place in the pecking order. It sounds like there isn't much you can do to have a gr8 relationship with MIL. At least you DH sticks up for you. So you might as well parent and protect your child your way and limit contact with her. If it were me I would just pick the dog up and put it outside on arrival. That's just me though as I can't stand nippers. My SIL's new dog nipped her while we were visiting with DS once. Luckily she's switched on and by the time we next visited her pup had finished puppy preschool training at the top of its class and is now allowed inside again. Good luck.

[jammomma]

I'm sorry you have to deal with this. I can relate, my mom has three small dogs, two of which are blind and all of them bark incessantly and bite and jump all over. To top it off my mom smokes like a chimney and never cracks a window open and yells at the dogs constantly. And then she has the gall to try and make us feel guilty for not taking my son into her home.

I took my son there once and only once...he got so scared of my mom yelling at the top of her lungs at her stupid dogs for jumping and barking that he cried harder than he ever had before, and it took a whole day for him to get over it. And he smelled like an overflowing ashtray. I vowed never again!

I simply won't compromise the safety and security of my son to cater to her and her poorly trained pooches and her fondness for cancer sticks.

When we drive the 5 hours to go visit her, we stay in a condo and she can come and visit us there for as long as she wishes, minus the dogs and the cigarettes.

Don't let yourself dwell on it too much. And by all means just don't allow your child to be around those dogs. You make the rules!

[captain optimism]

What you want is for your MIL to stop exposing your child (and any other children) to this dog. You also want her not to talk about you behind your back.

If she doesn't bring the dog to your house and doesn't talk about you behind your back at your house, you're golden.

I wouldn't call her passive-aggressive even though she's exhibiting passive-aggressive behavior, because it's not a good practice to criticize the person instead of the behavior. (It's OK to call the dog poorly trained, I think!)

The key seems to me to establish clear boundaries and ground rules. Don't call her any names to your husband and be super polite, but at the same time, don't let her pull any crap.

[Pirogi]

Here's my advice:

1. Stand firm in your boundaries not to allow the dangerous dog around your child. Ignore any passive aggressive behavior from her on the issue.
2. Try not to feel responsible for your SIL's baby being around the dog. She is an adult and responsible for making decisions for her baby. If she chooses to allow her baby around the dog or to be manipulated, that's her prerogative.
3. Don't engage passive aggressive behavior from MIL. Ignore, redirect, feign stupidity. It's not worth it.

This was my tactic with my PA MIL, and it resulted in her passive aggressiveness morphing into out and out aggressiveness, which was easier for my husband to see and deal with. Really, what difference does it make if she likes you? What if she never does? I just chose to focus my energies into people who could bring enrichment into my life.

Best of luck!

[GuildJenn]

What Pirogi said but just to reiterate...

You and your DH need to agree on what is safe for your child and I completely and totally agree that being around this dog is not safe for your child. That should be your #1 focus.

Whatever everyone else does is their business. In this case both your SIL and your MIL have decisions they need to feel are defensible. You are never, ever going to get your MIL to agree with you about her dog. It is always, always going to be you and your DH's responsibility to ensure the safety of your child. Your MIL loves her dog and also, she wants to be seen as a responsible person and so she will defend to the death that it is fine. You cannot ever expect her to change her mind. It's not worth the energy.

Your SIL can make whatever decision she wants for her child.

You and your DH just need to kindly but firmly stick to your decision.

It is hard, I know, but don't get into the rest of it if you can avoid it. It is a deflection from the real issue.

[cristeen]

I know it's tough. We're dealing with a very similar dog situation right now.

It is absolutely not safe once the dog has shown aggressive tendencies to allow it anywhere near a child. If the cousin is unaware of the aggressiveness it has shown in the past, I would be sure to warn her. What she does with the info is on her, but at least you will have a clear conscience.

[Lisa1970]

You are correct. They endangered that baby to try to prove something to you. Next time, your dh should act shocked and immediately respond with disgust that they put that child in danger. I would use analogies such as a child once dashed in to a busy road without getting killed, does not mean I am going to let my child dash in to a busy road. Or a child road in no car seat and lived. Does not mean I am going to stop using a car seat.

I am with you on this.


For me, I have had to just not invite my inlaws to anything anymore. If we do something with them, it is separate. They never came to anything we invited them to anyway. But oddly, they would always rip in to us about how we didn't do anything (like, we would invite them to a birthday party, they would not show, and then later, call us and tell us they are angry we never had a party). I have now decided it is easier to just downplay everything and act like nothing is going on here, we just are not the outgoing types, we never have parties. In reality, we just keep things separate.

Can you suddenly come down with the flu and cancel for Thursday? Or will you just have to see them eventually anyway so might as well get it over with?

If you have to see them, I would reherse in your head what you will say and talk with your dh about it about how he needs to respond if they attempt to bring it up. Just look disgusted and say "does <cousin> know you endangered her baby like that?" and "you were very very lucky, next time, that baby might not make it out so well."

One thing else, people like your MIL can be quite passive aggressive with small children. I have found that we cannot leave our children alone around MIL, ever, not even while going to the bathroom. It has been our rule for years that someone older, as in me, my dh, or one of of teens, must be present with our younger children, one-on-one, at all times. She likes to divide people by sending one person here and the other there and then doing something stupid and dangerous. I think back to times when she has put our children in serious danger and how lucky I am that we turned out ok. (like the time I had to go to the bathroom, I was pregnant, and left my 2 children who were 4 and 5 yrs old, alone with dh, MIL, and MIL's friend by the pool. I came out from the bathroom and immediately saw DH and MIL and her friend in the house. I asked where the kids were and was informed in the pool, alone. DH completely fell for it. When it comes to MIL, DH becomes a raving dumb-dumb. I raced out to the pool and found the children, who did not know how to swim, still alive, hanging on to their pool noodles. I chewed the royalness out of my dh, yet, it happened again several years later when our now 6 yr old was around his 3rd birthday, now I never allow my dh to be alone supervising our children around MIL, it is a sick game she plays, thinks it is so fun to show she can control the situation and even scare me, but it could end up with a dead or seriously brain damaged child).

Good luck!

[Quinalla]

As others have said, figure out what you are comfortable with ahead of time, which is this case is the dog and your child are not to be together and make a plan for if your MIL tries to ignore your wishes. If she is just talking, I would make your position clear with something like "We don't feel it is safe for our child to be around an aggressive dog and won't discuss the subject further." If she tries to push more, "If you can't respect our decision, we will have to cut this visit short." If she actually tries to put the dog and your child together again, I would leave immediately with a quick explanation of why "You know how we feel about the safety of dog and child together, we can't stay if child will be put in danger." But just figure it out ahead of time.

I also would not get into with DH about MIL beyond making sure that the two of you will stand together on the safety issue. As long as you can keep your child safe, he is going to want to visit her as you said to keep ties to the rest of his family. And even if he can recognize her flaws, I'm guessing you bringing them up still makes him feel bad, she's still his mother, so I would try and vent to someone else about her.

Beyond that, don't try to convince MIL further, if she was going to be convinced by you about this she already would be. I would warn the other mother privately and then it is on her. Yes, it is horrible that the baby may be put in further danger, but there is only so much you can do.

And I would also try to limit visits to MIL's house if possible, but it sounds like she may be somewhat of a central hub, so that may be difficult.

[nicky85]

Oh my gosh!!! She sounds like my SIL. The woman literally treats her dog better than her adopted, special needs kid. At one point, I actually heard her say to her son, "Leave Midnight alone. He needs his privacy." The dog has more toys and clothes than my 8 month old. You're not crazy. My husband and his family are big into dogs and so there are tons of them around and none of them know how to handle dogs. All the dogs are just babied like crazy. They're all like little dolls. You are 100% right not to allow the dog near your kid. Can I just vent a minute too? It drives me NUTS when my MIL calls her nippy, barky shih-tzu "angel" in a really high-pitched, breathy voice. And she talks to the dog like it's a five year old, saying things like, "You know better than that!" The worst part is that we're living with the in-laws for the present.

[dakotablue]

So we did the birthday party thing tonight. It was suppose to be a small cake thing and turned in to birthday party, which I dealt with but felt bad for my sister who didn't bring a gift because, frankly he's one I didn't really want any. MIL ended up invited aunt, uncle and cousins, which add four people.

Anyway. It went well. Thanks so much for your advice . It really helped me get back to a better frame of mind. I'm trying to just deal. Dh's thing is as long as we're there and she's not doing anything in front of us we'll deal. He sees it as a duty, but in reality dreads seeing her.

For the most part we ignored each other and I talked to pretty much everyone else.

Oh other thing, she brought toys which was nice, but all of them were toys I wouldn't buy for DS and I'm trying to convince Dh to let me exchange them. he's worried they will notice. I'm worried about chemicals and just over ickyness I feel about electronic toy, especially those that say "Good Job!" and "I Love you" sorry that's not what I want for my son. He thinks we could just take the batteries out, I'd rather get another Little people (that doesn't make noise, we have the Ark.)

Oh great note. SIL got DS some books and DS spent more time playing with those than even looking at light up toys! I love my DS!!