ODD and DD twins - worried she will hate them forever

[fragola3]

This is my first post, and as a lurker, I've always appreciated the info/perspective I've received from you fellow multiple mamas. Thank you!

My ODD will be 5 in February, and my twin DDs will be 2 in January (can't believe it). I expected the transition of having twin baby sisters to be difficult for her, but I am worried, b/c ODD continues to have a really hard time (btw: I don't have any other children - "just" the 3). Now that the twins are becoming especially playful with each other, she feels very excluded. Last week, she had a very heartfelt sob to me saying that she just wished she had her own twin or she wished that she just had one sister so that they could be "friends" with each other.

Every day I struggle with her saying comments like, "I hate having two baby sisters" or "I wish we could just throw one away" in a very angry/sassy tone. Or, for example, this weekend I took her on a trip (just she and I) to visit my side of the family (she was thrilled w/ the airplane ride). Upon our return, her mood changed instantly into anger and saying similar comments like, "Why do I have two baby sisters?!" I've really been trying to help her to word her frustration by helping her say things like, "Having 2 baby sisters is hard, but it'll get easier." (Trying to validate her, but have her speak in a positive tone.)

ODD is a self-confident, social, and fairly even-keeled girl overall. She goes to preschool 3 mornings a week, and we try to do many one-on-one things with her as well as with the whole family.

I'm just worried that she'll hate them the rest of her life. I know she loves them--they make her laugh and she enjoys playing with them semi-frequently. I've just had a hard time finding someone I can talk to who gets the dynamic of an older singleton w/ younger twins--all the same gender.

Also, anyone have experience having a 4th child after a singleton and twins? Does having a 4th child help the other singleton not feel so "left out"? (Not saying this would be the sole motivation to have another child...)

Thank you for any advice/input/perspective!

[VroomieMama]

Originally Posted by fragola3

This is my first post, and as a lurker, I've always appreciated the info/perspective I've received from you fellow multiple mamas. Thank you!

My ODD will be 5 in February, and my twin DDs will be 2 in January (can't believe it). I expected the transition of having twin baby sisters to be difficult for her, but I am worried, b/c ODD continues to have a really hard time (btw: I don't have any other children - "just" the 3). Now that the twins are becoming especially playful with each other, she feels very excluded. Last week, she had a very heartfelt sob to me saying that she just wished she had her own twin or she wished that she just had one sister so that they could be "friends" with each other.

Every day I struggle with her saying comments like, "I hate having two baby sisters" or "I wish we could just throw one away" in a very angry/sassy tone. Or, for example, this weekend I took her on a trip (just she and I) to visit my side of the family (she was thrilled w/ the airplane ride). Upon our return, her mood changed instantly into anger and saying similar comments like, "Why do I have two baby sisters?!" I've really been trying to help her to word her frustration by helping her say things like, "Having 2 baby sisters is hard, but it'll get easier." (Trying to validate her, but have her speak in a positive tone.)

ODD is a self-confident, social, and fairly even-keeled girl overall. She goes to preschool 3 mornings a week, and we try to do many one-on-one things with her as well as with the whole family.

I'm just worried that she'll hate them the rest of her life. I know she loves them--they make her laugh and she enjoys playing with them semi-frequently. I've just had a hard time finding someone I can talk to who gets the dynamic of an older singleton w/ younger twins--all the same gender.

Also, anyone have experience having a 4th child after a singleton and twins? Does having a 4th child help the other singleton not feel so "left out"? (Not saying this would be the sole motivation to have another child...)

Thank you for any advice/input/perspective!

I'm on similar boat as you. Although, my eldest dd (8 yo) has not said anything that indicate she's jealous of her twin sisters' (17 mos old) "friendship" but she has shared that she feels lonely because she does not have anyone her age to play with when her friends are not home. We try to redirect her loneliness by playing games with her or do crafts with her. We also encouraged her to play with her sisters to keep herself busy by listening to music and get them to dance with her or get them to play dolls with her. The twins really love playing with her and maybe you could suggest your eldest to play with the twins by doing things that are simple and safe for all of them to do together? You could also tell her that little siblings often would look up to their big siblings and want to be just like them by imitating things they do. Maybe that would make her feel better and her attitude would turn for better?

And, yes I have a 4th baby on the way and she is due in December. All 4 girls for me.

[tink79]

We have a 3 year gap between our oldest DD and our younger twin DD's too and our ODD has often said the same things yours has, especially in the early days. Then as time went on, she would take bigger dolls or stuffed animals and they would be her "twin", I think it helped her cope a little. When I was bedrested during my pregnancy with the twins I made the mistake of going on and on about how "fun" two baby sisters would be. Which would eventually pan out but in the first couple of years, it was so much work - for me, for her, for all of us. The "fun" promise seemed like a lie. But, now that her sister's are a little older (they're 3 1/2 - 4 in Feb and she just turned 7), they're not babies anymore and they're getting into many of the same things, developing some of the same interests, they play SOOOO incredibly well together. They can spend hours upon hours playing home, dress up, dolls, barbies, watching movies, playing at the park, playing in the sandbox, riding bikes.... In the past year I have become so amazed at the bond the 3 of them have. It's truly something you can't explain.

So, it may seem like somewhat of a curse right now, but hopefully you'll get the same result we have had. It may take some encouraging of your ODD to get in there and play with her sister's, but the "gap" will most likely be bridged at some point. Sure, the twins will always have that unexplainable "twin bond" but there is also just a "sister bond" that all 3 of them will have.

[attached2mason]

I worry about this too. My DS1 is 5.5 years older than my twin DS'. He loves them to bits but I can only imagine how left out he might feel in the future. I'll be watching this thread closely!

[hergrace]

DS1 is 7 and the triplets are 3.5. We definitely went through some rough patches. DS1 was very jealous of the time they took from me during the first 6 months. Then, there were a few months of "hey, they are cute and they think I'm great." Then, there was a lot of can you stop them shouting and they are in my way when they were about 2. Somewhere around 3, the little ones starting being willing to let DS1 direct them in some games and now they often play well together.

With the four kids, now that the younger ones are able to interact with DS1 at a level he finds fun, I often see them playing in 2 pairs. Not sure how that might play out with a 1, then 2, then 1, though.

[fragola3]

Thanks so much for your responses. It definitely gives me perspective and hope! I do hope and desire for them to just be 3 loving sisters as they grow older. I had 3 sisters myself and loved it (well, mostly). I try to point out to ODD when I see 3 older girls together and say, "That'll be you and your sisters someday." She likes when I say they'll be "triple trouble!" The "double trouble" comments we always get when we're out and about drives her nuts, and she just looks at people when they say that and says, "Everybody says that" as if it's old, old news.

VroomieMama: Congrats on DD #4!
Tink79: Such hope you give me!
Attached3Mason: Glad I'm not alone...
Hergrace: I have pure respect for you--I cannot imagine triplets. You are amazing.

[hergrace]

Originally Posted by fragola3

She likes when I say they'll be "triple trouble!"

I love that. I hate when people use that phrase about my triplets, but using it as a way of establishing the bond between all the siblings is a very different context and I like it.

The opportunities for play together will really jump once the twins move into interactive play.

A thought: You might want to see what happens if your ODD gets time one-on-one with her sisters rather than with both of them together. It might help decrease some of the "I'm always alone" feeling if she gets to be part of a pair sometimes too. And it might help her see her sisters more as individuals rather than part of a monolithic set.