Bedtime dilemma

[allisonrose]

My hubby took over bedtime a while back. I appreciated it because I got some time to relax in the evenings. At the time, our son would wake up within an hour or so if I put him down but would sleep for 2-3 hours when it was hubby who put him down. That gave us both a break.

Hubby seems to have pushed bedtime back over time. He tends to take our son up to bed around 8 and he doesn't fall asleep until 8:45, 9 or occasionally later. He's up typically between 6:30 and 7 am for the day. So he gets about 9.5 hours of sleep a night plus he naps for an hour to two each day - he just had his second birthday a couple of weeks ago. Hubby complains that bedtime takes so long and that no matter what time he takes him upstairs, he doesn't fall asleep till the same time anyway.

Tonight I got annoyed around 8:10 when hubby had not yet taken our son upstairs for bed because he "didn't seem tired". Hubby often uses the excuse that he napped till <whatever time>. Today he only napped till 1:30 - not very late at all. (In fact, I occasionally lie about what time he gets up from his nap.) So I carted our son off to bed. He put his head on my shoulder when I picked him up: sure (but subtle) sign he was sleepy. He was asleep by 8:30.

Hubby complains that our son falls asleep quicker with me than he does with him. It's true but I'm also a bit more proactive about sleep: I rock or bounce him. Hubby takes the approach of lie in bed, pretend to be asleep and wait until our son falls asleep. Then he gets annoyed when our active toddler starts playing around on the bed.

Last week I did bedtime one night because hubby went to a movie with a friend. I got him asleep around 8:10-8:15 and the next morning he woke up a bit later: 7:30. Nap the next day was on the longer side. This causes me to wonder if he needs more sleep than he is typically getting.

I'm pregnant and quite tired. I don't really want to take bedtime back on myself but feel like maybe it's the right thing to do for my son to get enough rest. I also feel like if hubby starts taking our son to bed at 9 like he seems to want then I'm not getting much of a break anyway!

Any thoughts?

[lifeguard]

If dh was willing to take over bedtime in my house I'd keep my nose clean of it.

FWIW - ds is 23 months & sleeps about 10 hours a night. On the odd occasion he falls asleep before 9 we always regret it 'cause he either has a rough night (many wake ups) or he is up for 3 hours in the middle of the night.

Maybe you & dh need to instead have a conversation (not AT bedtime) about bedtime & what time starting the routine should happen. I NEVER look forward to bedtime with ds & having a solid time makes it easier for me to get going - instead of watching for when ds seems tired (which is what we used to do) I just see the time on the clock & bring him up.

As for discusssing "how" he puts him to sleep (bouncing, lying still, etc.) - don't go there. Micromanaging how he is doing things so rarely improves things.

[allisonrose]

I wouldn't say I'm micromanaging things. He complains frequently about the length of time it takes to do bedtime so I'll sometimes (not everytime) mention how I get him down in a "here's another option" type of way.

[St. Margaret]

Oh, I hear you. DH took over a bit while I was laid up this pregnancy, and bedtime got quite late. DD goes all day with no nap (she's 3) and was still up til 9, and he was still working for it. When I took back over when I was better and he was out one night, she was OUT so fast! To be fair, I sort of nursed her (not that there's any milk there) and anyway, I can still manage this sometimes when he's out, even now that we don't even pretend to nurse. Most nights he gets her ready, reads, and then I come to cuddle and sing her to sleep. I will just say that she reacts very differently to us... she will get wild with him more often than with me. BUT I think just enforcing a time to go up and get sleepy DOES work more often than not, and a child as young as yours really might need more active help getting to sleep. I wouldn't listen to my DH complain if all he was doing was pretending to sleep, and it wasn't working. Maybe try doing bedtime together a bit, take over just a little to help DS establish a better sleep schedule, then let DH take back over and just nudge them up the stairs at the right time every night. It's easy to let bedtime slip around, I know... DD shifts earlier and later just depending on stuff... but it sounds like your boy might really need more sleep for now. Good luck!

[MacKinnon]

My DH took over bedtime for the older two late in my pregnancy, but I often still "helped" because DH needed some extra time to do "something." Usually this was a valid thing, like trying to mow or something afterwork, but inevitably it happened several times a week. His desire to get out of bedtime was great for our house, as DH got a lot more done and knew he would be in trouble with me if he didn't do whatever he said he had to do.

DH also pushes back bedtimes because they are not tired and complains it will take a long time. I've done two things since DD1 went back to school and early bedtime became important again to speed up DH and the whole process in general. First- I did sit DH down and talk with him about it. I explained why I thought we needed to move things up, etc. and we talked about DH's resistance to the whole thing. We had a pretty good chat and DH resolved to get going faster. Then secondly, I started helping more proactively when I saw the time ticking by and things getting later and later. I get them in the bath if it's a bath night, PJ's, brush teeth, etc. sooner or later DH notices what's going on and gets up and helps. I was NOT taking this back on, as I've got DD2 to deal with and she's fussy and cluster feeding in the evenings. In fact, I haven't put the big two to bed ONCE since DD was born.