how talk to a sister about TTC??

[newbiemama09]

my sister (who is my BFF) has been struggling with infertility for over a year and it's been a real struggle for them. they started trying since i gave birth to DD. DD is now 18 months and DH and i are considering when to TTC another one. i want to make sure she knows about it and is OK with us possibly having a child before she does. is that too mean? should i not bring it up? is it better to have a conversation with her about it to prepare her that we may get pregnant soon?

[lifeguard]

Personally I would much rather be told & not find out through someone else. That said, I much preferred someone to call me & tell me on the phone - in a SHORT conversation. That way I could fake it through the conversation, then hang up & cry.

I'm sure different feel differently but for me that was the easiest way to deal with it - especially when someone was announcing a pregnancy.

[Pearl1]

Edited by Pearl1 - 2/7/11 at 4:00pm

[wallabi]

great advice from sarah, there.

I absolutely second keeping the ttc process to yourself (you don`t want her dreading seeing you and wondering when the news will come - there is no being prepared for a near and dear one annoucning a pg, IME) and then announcing your pg quietly in a way that gives her time to get over her initial hurt in private. A quick phone call, an e-mail or a phone message are all good ideas, I think, though be sure to try and time it in a way that it won`t come to her in a public place/time when there are other people/other pressures around (you wouldn`t want to e-mail her with the news on a Wednesday morning while she was at work, for instance!).

I remember the conversation with my bf when I was in the middle of infertility testing and she called to say she was unexpectedly pg - it was a hard conversation and I needed to hang up quickly so I could go to bed and sob out my hurt at feeling not only poked in the tenderest spot of my infertility but also the hurt I felt at possibly losing (another) friend because I would be unable to share in her happiness, feel excluded and left behind and be pained every time I saw her. Happily that didn`t all come to pass, but it was a difficult time for me. I just share this with hope that you will understand that your sister being okay with you having another child before she does is unlikely - infertiilty makes things much more complex than that - she will be happy for you, but it is going to be painful for her. I think it is wonderful that you want to be sensitive to her during this. She is lucky to have such a sweet sister.

[missme]

I would let her know that you're going to be trying. She will hurt either way. When I was just about to begin IUIs, by best friend's husband called to say they were pregnant. The last thing I had heard was that their #1 was going to be an only child because pregnancy makes her so sick. It was a double blow for me - because she was too sick to call me herself, and because she wasn't able to share my excitement at finally starting my process, and because I had no idea she was trying again. Actually that's a triple blow.

Contrast that with my sister who had IVF resulting in a tubal preg, then an embryo transfer resulting in a chemical preg., followed by a lucky at-home pregnancy the following month. She told me ahead of the rest of the family, which gave me time to process in private and feel genuine joy for her.

I'd always rather know than not know. If I were you, I'd call her and let her know directly, tell her that you're letting her know because you want her to have time to process, and that you love her and support her from the bottom of your heart.

xo and good luck.

[newbiemama09]

thanks for all the advice! i'm not really expecting her to "be OK with it" ever, i guess. they've been TTC for over a year and are in the "wait to see what God does" time now, so they're NTNP and just waiting. she keeps saying that she's in a place where she's OK with the idea of never having any more kids, but i know she still wants them. she's a intravert and needs time to process things, so i'm still debating telling her we might be TTC soon, or just to wait till we are pregnant. any more thoughts/suggestions would be warmly welcomed!

[Catubodua]

do you communicate often by email? that might be kinder than over the phone. she'll get a chance to read it, react the way she'll react without having to worry about what to say/do right away.

the only other thing i would add is do not ever, ever, under any circumstance, even if she asks, complain about any aspect of your pregnancy to her. complain to anyone else you want, but not her. it can make you homicidal to hear a woman complain about xyz and all you can think of is how much you wish you had that "problem".

[Carlyle]

I am/was in a similar situation, and I absolutely love my sister to pieces. I'm sure this is different for everyone, but for us it has really helped to keep the lines of communication open at every step of the way. It did "help" a little that it took me a year and 3 months to get prenant and that I had a miscarriage along the way. So I had a (very tiny) glimpse into the pain that she's going through each month.

Also, it has helped to realize in ALL of my conversations with her that each piece of news about my pregnancy/baby will hurt her even though she is also very excited about her new niece. I've tried to give her the space to grieve as she needs to and never feel offended if she's feeling sad (I wouldn't have "expected" her to come to a baby blessing for me, for example, even though she lives too far away...though I would have been more than thrilled to have her there).

I've asked her what she wants from me in terms of talking about it/not talking about it, and it's helped me to know what she wants at each stage. At first after I found I was pregnant I tried not to talk to her about how sick I was feeling (as a pp mentioned, it can be hard to hear people complaining about being pregnant), but she finally told me that she was feeling left out and that she really wanted me to talk about the pregnancy.

So anyway, for us, talking about it has really been a life saver. In my sister's case, the silence surrounding infertility and the pressure to not talk about her struggles has been super difficult, so knowing that she can talk to me about it has (hopefully) been helpful. Good luck with it and I hope your sister (and mine) gets pregnant soon!