New baby and family that smokes - heavily

[batlvr]

My DD is due in November and I would welcome some ideas about how to deal with visitors to our home who smoke. DH has some relatives that are HEAVY smokers, specifically his Aunt and Cousin. If we go to their home I sit outside and will not go in and when they come outside and light up I move away from them. When they come to our house I keep my distance, although they do not smoke in our home but still the odor is there on them. Their entire person smells like stale smoke, clothing, hair, etc. Cousin has a small son and he reeks of smoke and has since the day he was born. Other family members have commented on her son smelling of smoke and she just ignores them. DH grandma angrily asked "why does this baby stink of smoke?!" and Cousin just laughed.
They are both thrilled that DD is coming and I am certain they will come to visit. What can I say to them? I do not want this precious new baby exposed to that awful smell. I know they will continue to go outside to light up but what about the heavy stale scent they carry back inside with them? I'm not trying to shame or hurt them but I need to know what to say. Or do I limit/refuse to let them hold her just because they smell so horrible?

[MCatLvrMom2A&X]

What I did the very few times my aunt who smokes wanted to hold the baby was to get a receiving blanket and make her cover with it before handing over dd. Thankfully it only happened a time or 2.

You are right to be concerned about the smell on the people because from what have read there is carcinogens on the clothing that the LO can pick up even without being around the smoke itself.

[Knitting Mama]

I don't know how you feel about this, but with us, I would wear the baby in my wrap when I didn't want her to be held by anyone else. That way people could see her and coo at her and touch the top of her head, but that was about it.

[wombatclay]

Like pp, I'd go with the passive/possessive approach and simply not let anyone else hold the babe. If there was some reason that one of these relatives had to hold the babe, then I'd ask them to wash their hands/exposed skin and use a blanket to cover their clothing.

If I could avoid having them over while the babe was itty bitty I would... perhaps meeting them at a park or smoke free venue for socializing with the babe after the first month or two. Then having the babe in the wrap/not taking the babe out would make plenty of "sense" (it wouldn't feel like a personal "you can't hold" but a more general "I don't want to take the babe out, it's chilly/dirty/nap time/noisy/babe is nursing/etc) and their stale smoke wouldn't be in your home.

You might want to have a few fact sheets on second hand smoke and smoke exposure ready, maybe even something from your pediatrician (in case having this info "from the dr" would make more of an impact) that talks about protecting newborns and young children from secondhand smoke and the extent to which dangerous particles are still present on their clothing/in their home long after the actual "smoke" is cleared away. There may be hurt feelings and having those handouts might help you negotiate that a bit more easily? One of my MsIL smokes and then uses those heavily scented candles to "freshen up" her house and she was upset that we wouldn't bring dd1 over... having a handout from the pediatrician smoothed that out a bit.

[Lauren31]

yuck! Third hand smoke is dangerous in a different way that second-hand smoke is. I would just tell them you are uncomfortable having the baby around them if they are smoking or have the smell of smoke on them. I would have no problem saying that, personally. It is your baby, you don't have to shame them, but if they want to hold her, you can just say that second and third-hand smoke is not safe. It's not personal. Wearing in a wrap will work while they are young, but what about when the kids are older?

here is a quick search I did:

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/35318118...th-addictions/

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/01/03/he...h/03smoke.html

[dakotablue]

I have a BIL who DS likes very much, BIL is not allowed to hold DS. My excuse well, mostly I just haven't let him/ offered. Then, I said before smoke really bothers me and I don't want to risk it since he's so young and we don't know how he'll do (but I have asthma) but you could use the same excuse. When I was a kid I could be near people who smoked because of the lingering smell. Also, I had asthma issues with BIL who came in directly after smoking and we had to leave because I had an attack so he 'airs' out before coming back in now when I've visited.

My grandma tells a story about then I was 3 or 4 and a smoker came to our house. I told him he stunk and his wife said its just his cigarettes, apparently I gave him a lecture about how dangerous it was. My grandma let me because she said "well you were right" sadly he did die a few years later from lung cancer.

[Rani]

This is a tough one. My family sounds much like yours. DD's grandmom smokes too. So, I had her wash her hands - course I asked everyone to so it didn't seem too awkward. I did let her hold dd. There is only so much you can do.

[batlvr]

I will be wearing her, I will have a baby hawk so I can just say, "sorry, she's camped out at the boob right now" and move on. I typically try to just stay outside when around them, or away from them but winter is coming so that is bound to get difficult. DH has a slightly shorter fuse than I do so if DD starts smelling like smoke he is sure to go off. I may just let him be the heavy, they expect it from him. Thank you for all your suggestions, mamas!

[sosurreal09]

DH smokes..........i hate it of course....

what he does is 1. smoke outside 2. wear a "smoking" hoodie that comes off when he comes in 3. thorougly wash his hands

yes it helps but i still smell it...

[akind1]

All four of DS's grandparents smoke. My parents don't smoke in the house (ours or theirs) so they seem to to not smell as much as my ILs who do smoke in their house, but not ours. My one really major rule is no smoking and holding the baby at the same time. Other than that, I'd like them to wash their hands first, and since this is true for nearly anyone holding a new baby, smokers don't feel "picked on", so to speak.

I will say when we get home from my IL's, I almost always feel the need to change DS's clothes. I agree that there is only so much you can do. If at all possible, I would have the visit on either your or neutral turf, less smoke smell that way.