I hit my little girl... - Page 2

[Marissamom]

There are times we all reach the end of our patience. several people have given suggestions on how to help keep both you and DD calm, I think it's really important to learn from such experiences, and basically what you're learning is you need to adjust things a bit so you can be the best mom you can be.

[lach]

I've never actually hit, but I've come pretty close. And I've lost my sh** a few times and screamed. These are not things that I'm proud of. But, as others have said, I'm not perfect. None of us are.

I loved what the previous posters said about how we aren't meant to do this alone. This is so true. I think that a lot of us imagine a fantasy past of nuclear families and everyone playing and working together 100% of the time and life being just hunky dory. But that's really not true: humans are extremely social creatures and we've always lived in communities. I think that Little House on the Prairie has done a lot of damage to how we imagine life in the good old days! And I just read Little House in the Big Woods, fwiw, and Laura gets spanked AND belted.

I just wanted to say that, so long as everyone is safe, it's okay to walk away. I read that advice in every baby book, even the most AP: if you get to a point where you think you're going to throw your newborn out the window because he won't stop crying, just walk away. The crying will not harm him nearly as much as an irrationally angry and powerless-feeling mother who can't control her anger. (And I want to be clear that I'm in no way advocating CIO or ignoring your crying baby under normal circumstances or anything like that. I'm just saying that I've never read a single source about taking care of a baby that hasn't said that walking away is sometimes a necessary act of self and baby preservation).

And I think that advice is also good for older children. IMO toddlers tantrum because they need something: usually something to eat or to take a nap, but with a new baby there are also all sorts of other issues at play. And, when possible, parents should meet the underlying needs. By that I don't mean that you have to give into the tantrum, I mean that it's my role as a mother to figure out why the tantrum is happening (too long since lunch? Bad night's sleep last night? Too much time indoors?) and fix that issue... which is rarely actually the issue that the tantrum is ostensibly about.

Which is all fine and good and I'll make sure to post the photo whenever my Perfect Mother Of The Year medal arrives. But practically you're juggling a lot of things and probably have very little support. If you feel this level of rage again, my practical advice is just to (make sure everyone is safe and) walk away. I have resorted to this a few times, and I find that it really calms me down.

[pregnant@40]

It has happened to most of us, and the feeling afterward is absolutely the worst. You are feeling a very deep pain, I know. It's like a scar on your soul.

This too shall pass, and your kid will be fine. No lasting damage, so forgive yourself. Just resolve to take a breather next time. You're under a lot of stress, and need to take a "time out" if you start to feel frustrated or powerless.

[swimming-duck]

I'm sorry for your pain. This thread spoke to my soul. Thank you for posting. I dealt with this just today with my little one. He has probably already forgotten it - he's very quick to forgive - and I still feel terribly upset by it. I like to believe that we all get better at this with more practice and that what matters in the long run isn't that day that we lost it, but the overall relationship and our overall parenting style. At least that's what I tell myself when I screw up royally.

[Tsubaki]

I only have a minute to post but wanted to say that we had the same thing here last week, I spanked my almost-three's bottom when he bit me. After biting me the second time, that is. Afterwards I apologized and talked about it with him.

I didn't feel better, though, until I talked with my aunt who is my favorite source of parenting advice. She always helps remind me of WHY he does what he does--that challenging me and testing the rules at every step is something he needs to do and he's doing his job, and that my job is to let him know calmly and firmly where the boundaries are, over and over. It helps to be reminded that we are both doing what we need to do, when I start questioning why he's behaving so badly, and wondering if I am doing everything wrong and need to be stricter, etc. Anyway, I hope that helps a little bit.

[mamakah]

I've been there. I ran out of patience one day and hit my son on the bottom when he didn't have a diaper on. He had red hand marks on his skin. I started crying out of guilt and shame instantly and held him and told him that what I just did was not ok and that I was so sorry for hurting him. He was forgiving instantly, but I'm still trying to forgive myself.
I like what a previous poster said "Gentle parenting also means being gentle with yourself."

[Chloe 777]

Originally Posted by provocativa

I've been there, mama, especially when I didn't take my calming supplements (magnesium is my best friend!)

One of my favorite tricks was to tell the baby to wait while I did something for / with dd1. Dd1 couldn't tell that all the baby's needs were met. . . . she felt validated by the fact that not only did she have to wait for dd2, but dd2 sometimes had to wait for her. I would make up story lines, like you just wait there DD2 while I snuggle with DD1, Dd2, you need to be quiet while I color with dd2. It really improved their and our relationship.

That's such a smart idea, thank you!

[Chloe 777]

Thank you all so much for sharing. It's nice to know I'm not alone.

Children are very forgiving indeed. I do remember being spanked though, and it's horrible. More than anything it hurt my pride, and I never want to make my kids feel that way.

Tsubaki, you're lucky to have your aunt. Most people around me accuse me of spoiling my children, for not spanking, not practicing cio, allowing them to self wean, and worst of all... co-sleeping!! It's nice to have a close relative who supports you.

Thank goodness for this forum!