How do you deal with the isolation of being a SAHP?

[April Dawn]

I need some advice from the seasoned SAHPs here.

I am mostly a SAHM. I do have a temp part time job, but it's not many hours and could end at any time. It is evening/weekend hours, so I am home alone with the kiddo during the workweek. I find being home all day with my one year old son incredibly lonely. I mean, I love spending time with my son, but I need to have real conversations with adults. I used to work in a very busy environment, all day talking to different people, and I really, really miss the constant interaction. Thank God for the part time work I'm still doing; I think it's the only thing keeping me sane at times (unfortunately, the only time I can work is when DH is not at work, so I miss seeing him, but that's a whole 'nother story).

Anyways, how do you do it? How do you go all week long with just a one year old to talk to and not end up feeling incredibly isolated? For months I have been contemplating going back to full time work (or at least trying to; who knows when I'd actually get a job) just so I can talk with people and listen to people. But I don't know that it's the best thing for DS... there's got to be a way to stay home AND not be so isolated. I take him to parks and things near my house, but it's still just us. I have one weekly playgroup, but it's not really enough time, and anyways I usually have to spend the whole time chasing DS and not being able to be a part of any of the conversations going on. I seem to see my pre-baby friends less now, as they often want to meet at times that don't work with a toddler's schedule. Any suggestions? Or do all SAHPs feel so isolated, and I just need to get used to it?

[shells_n_cheese]

I think many, many SAHP feel isolated from time to time. I know I do. Maybe more from time to time... I feel isolated A LOT.

I live over 2 hrs from family and friends, and only have one good mommy friend where I live, and our schedules conflict so we end up meeting up maybe once a week -- definitely not enough. I am going back to school in January, but it will evening classes, so though I am looking forward to the adult interaction, I will still be alone most of the day.

I don't really have any advice, just wanted to let you know you are not alone.

[MrsH]

While it's definitely very common, it's NOT something to just get used to and live miserably with! Though the good news is that in even just a year or two from now, the chasing will be so much less and meeting up at playgrounds becomes like the best thing in the world.

Could you trade care with another mom once a week so that during that time, you could go hang out with a friend? Could a friend come over during baby's naptime?

What is your "leisure" time agreement with your dh? We worked out that he plays hoops one night and on Saturday morning, and I go out with friends (or have alone time) one night and at some point during the weekend. It really helps with getting together with friends who don't have children.

If you have a mother who has a child as well, can you get together for a walk, pushing the babes/toddlers in strollers? This works well outdoors or during the hour before the mall opens. They're contained and usually pretty happy just looking around. Or could you get together with a friend and split the cost of a mother's helper for a few hours? A neighborhood kid could play with the babies while you and your friend catch up.

Become familiar with the programs in your area as well. Our city has a great family network that offers parenting classes with free childcare. Perfection! Many churches offer nursery care during the service. Your child is probably a little young for library story hours, but some also have songs for the younger set. That could be a time to at least be around other parents, even if you don't get to talk at length.

I also joined a babysitting exchange group which has been a true life-saver. We barter childcare through www.babysitterexchange.com. We meet one evening every two months, and have biweekly playdates and coffeetimes. That stuff is all so we can really get to know one another. Then when I have a dentist appointment, or a friend in town, or just need some me-time, I put in a request and 9 times out of 10 someone can help me out. It's a free and effective way to get some real childcare help and build community.

Good luck, mama. Keep trying and the isolation will get less!

[larzanna]

Ugh screaming toddler have to make this quick, but....
I have signed myself up for so many mom groups that some days i have to pick which activity to get out and do! I could NEVER sit home all day with just my DS (17 months)

-Library story time is a great place to talk to people
-a kids museum also works
-check out local birth centers or hospitals for parent groups
-meetup.com has groups near you that you can search through, so does yahoo.
-what about a gymboree/kindermusic type class?

Also, you really do just have to talk to people at playgrounds ect. And if you see someone at the playground and you start chatting, go back the same day/time to see them again...maybe make a friend. Its HARD to do this, but i can tell you it works!
Then when you have started meeting people...you kind of whittle them down to the ones that you really have things in common with, even most mainstream groups have one or 2 "crunchy" people lurking that you can invite to something and get to know better.....



good luck

[PeachBaby]

How about Skype?

[november]

It does get lonely sometimes, doesn't it?

I've been making a much better effort to get out and do more stuff lately. Taking her to the park, going "window shopping", visiting my grandparents. I even went to a play group today for the first time an that's a big step for me because I am PAINFULLY shy, lol. But she seemed to really have fun so it was worth it and I'm sure we'll go back. I'm hoping to get to know a few of the other moms as well - all of my friends have moved away so I don't have anyone to get together with. I also found out about a reading time at the library that I think we're going to check out tomorrow. Our town doesn't seem to have a LOT of resources like this so I am trying to take advantage of what we do have. But you're right, even still - that's only a few short hours a week. But if it gives me something to look forward twice a week - that's better than nothing! I'm really dreading winter when it's too cold to go outside and be more active - I haaaate being stuck in the house.

I've also joined a bowling league so my DH watches her one night a week while I go have my mommy fun. It really is a blast and it's nice to be *just me* again for a few hours. Also, I joined a gym about 2 months ago and that has been really nice as well. Getting to focus on me and my health for 45 minutes 3-4x a week is nice, it really is.

Since I've started doing these things, I don't feel quite so lonely, but it still does happen. I am also on a small message board w/ a handful of very close friends I have known for years and years and that helps a lot because it's support/advice/friendship that is easily accessible for all of us.

[KSDoulaMama]

We make sure to get out of the house EVERY day. If we do not leave the house, I get depressed. Even when I am feeling lazy or tired. I have Seasonal Affective Disorder and I need to remind myself that getting out of the house really helps.

On one day per week we go grocery shopping, on another we have playgroup through our local Parents as Teachers program, one day a week we go to the library story time program, and once a month is our Nursing Families meeting.

The other days we just sort of fill in with whatever. We might go for a walk, do other errands that need to be done, visit my wife at work for lunch, or occasionally go to the coffee shop and hang out for a bit while I work on a knitting project or something. A couple of times I've stopped by my old workplace to visit because everyone there loves a baby! I've recently started getting to know another woman with a little girl in town and we've gotten together for a playdate.

I find as long as I can get out of the house I do okay. I also make and sell baby apparel which keeps me busy being crafty, and I volunteer to lead a Girl Scout troop.

[April Dawn]

Thanks for the replies. Judging from what you all have to say, I honestly just need to readjust my expectations. We DO go to library story time and parks and museums and usually at least one errand a day. I just don't feel like any of those things actually give me any adult interaction. I just can't expect to talk to people all day like I did when at work full time. But, it's just for a few years while DS is little!

Oh, and I am starting a book club this weekend. I don't know how frequent it will be, but it's something! I definitely can't plan weekly outings like a few of you have suggested - I work evenings/weekends when DH is home, so I don't have time. But even something once a month would be an improvement over the current situation!