Being asked this question: "Where are they from?"

[Beppie]

DH is clearly from India (in my view!) and I am white-American. We were with our three young daughters at the doctor's office recently, and after the doctor's 10-15 minute visit with us, she says on her way out, "The girls are beautiful! Where are they from?"

I was dumbfounded. From? I was confused and at first named our town where we live... then I realized she thought they were adopted. Finally I said, "oh, he's from India, so they're half Indian." Our girls' skin is rather white, but they have the beautiful large brown eyes and dark hair of people from India. anyway... I was so confused, I mean, DH was there with me and we were both talking to her! And she thought they weren't his kids?

Just had to vent! Anyone else have this happen to them?

[Theoretica]

Yep! I usually grin and just say "from me", although if I'm really feeling ornery I"ll say "from my uterus"

[~Nancy~]

I am also white, with an Indian husband. My children look very Indian.

When I am alone with them, people frequently ask, "where are they from?"

I just answer them very matter-of-factly, with a pleasant expression and tone. "They are not adopted. My husband is from India"

In my opinion, the people that have asked me, "where are they from", are not doing so with any hostility. They just honestly thought my kids were adopted. And for whatever reason, they were interested enough to ask.

I don't want my kids to see me get upset by this question. I don't want them to start to think it is a bad thing that they look more like their dad, and not like me. So I don't let them see me get flustered or annoyed when asked that question.

[shotmama]

i don't get that, but i do get, 'oh she must have gotten all her looks from dad,' whether my hubby is with me or not. makes me sad. never thought about my reaction affecting her though. i will take more caution especially when she gets older.

[luv_my_babes]

I've been asked (by perfect strangers btw!) about my dd and yds. I am half Peruvian/British and Dh is Lebanese/Irish. My dd and yds really inherited the Lebanese and Peruvian and have a lovely dark complexion w/hair and eyes to match.
Anyhoo, some lady in a store asked me about dd.... "what is she?" My response? "She is a human".

[SubliminalDarkness]

Yes. I have gotten similar comments, too. It is frustrating, but as was said, it's not usually meant in a malicious way. People are just sort of clueless.

A couple of 'gems' were once, long ago, when I was nursing DS1 and someone approached me and said, "You shouldn't nurse other people's babies." And she seriously meant it!

Another was when DS2 was a baby and DS1 was 5 or so, and someone approached me in Costco and asked me where I "got them from." She went on to tell me that she and her husband were looking to adopt internationally, and my kids were so gorgeous, she wanted to "get" kids like mine. I was dumbfounded. I told her they were biologically my kids, thank you very much.

My kids don't look anything like me. I realize that. My DH is from Pakistan and my kids definitely favor him(I'm blonde, blue eyes, very pale). *shrug* It is what it is.

[IsaFrench]

another one that's a bit ... "rude too" = was asked at the park last month if my children were .... my grandchildren (I'm 47, they are 11, 9 and 3 !)

[~Nancy~]

Nicole - I have also been approached by people who were interested in an international adoption, wanting to know "where I got" my beautiful children! I wasn't trying to be sarcastic at all, I was just kind of flustered, and I said, "We made these children ourselves" Not sure why that came out of my mouth!

I also was approached once while nursing my son. Actually, it was a lactation consultant. She was thrilled that I was nursing an adopted baby, and was hoping that I could provide support for other adoptive moms that wanted to do the same. But once I told her that the baby was my biological child, we ended up having a great conversation, and I did become a contact person for her clients that wanted support for nursing twins (my older two children are twins)

[~Nancy~]

It was actually my husband that pointed out that I should watch my reaction in front of our children. I guess once he saw me look particularly defeated when a stranger was dumbfounded that our daughter was my biological child. He noticed our daughter quietly observing me.

[SubliminalDarkness]

Originally Posted by ~Nancy~

Nicole - I have also been approached by people who were interested in an international adoption, wanting to know "where I got" my beautiful children! I wasn't trying to be sarcastic at all, I was just kind of flustered, and I said, "We made these children ourselves" Not sure why that came out of my mouth!

I also was approached once while nursing my son. Actually, it was a lactation consultant. She was thrilled that I was nursing an adopted baby, and was hoping that I could provide support for other adoptive moms that wanted to do the same. But once I told her that the baby was my biological child, we ended up having a great conversation, and I did become a contact person for her clients that wanted support for nursing twins (my older two children are twins)

I desperately wanted to say my kids came from my vagina, but didn't really think that was appropriate....

[cappuccinosmom]

In my opinion, the people that have asked me, "where are they from", are not doing so with any hostility. They just honestly thought my kids were adopted. And for whatever reason, they were interested enough to ask.

This...

Where we are, anyway, mixed-culture families are very unusual. The non-white kids are adopted. So to me it's...<shrug> People ask out of interest, and in the context of their experience which is pretty limited. I can get mad about it, or I can give an answer that will inform them, nicely, and their experience will suddenly be a little broader.

[Theoretica]

Originally Posted by cappuccinosmom

This...

Where we are, anyway, mixed-culture families are very unusual. The non-white kids are adopted. So to me it's...<shrug> People ask out of interest, and in the context of their experience which is pretty limited. I can get mad about it, or I can give an answer that will inform them, nicely, and their experience will suddenly be a little broader.

I think it depends on the tone. I've been asked "were did they come from" and I've been asked "what nationality are your kids", the latter feels less offensive and I'm much more likely to answer in kind either way.

Now, being asked how much they COST...that kinda got me a little snarkytwitched.

[muslimahmama]

I am a white-American, my sons father is South Indian. HE is often mistaken for being African-American, simply because he has dark skin. I think it's silly, because he clearly looks Indian to me.. of course I lived in India for two years...

My son? Apparently, he looks Mexican. I have had SO MANY people ask him if he speaks Spanish. One recent uncomfortable moment.. I was visiting my sisters husbands family.. one of his distant relatives teaches immigrant kids in an after school program.. he would NOT stop talking to my son (he is not yet three) in Spanish. Like saying "Can you say Uncle in Spanish? It is Tio" and more..

My bright kid just mimicked the word back to him.. after about 30 minutes of this, my son mentioned his auntie in India and I was able to say "My ex is from India.. and my son was actually born there.."

I find it so weird that people think he is Mexican, but it happens a lot.

People in the store.. even if I am wearing Hijab (I am Muslim) still think he is Mexican. His daycare teacher asked him on the first day if he spoke Spanish.. etc

[Owen'nZoe]

Originally Posted by muslimahmama

My son? Apparently, he looks Mexican. I have had SO MANY people ask him if he speaks Spanish.

My sons are half Arab, and people make the same assumption with the oldest. I can't really blame them - there aren't a lot of Arabs where we live, but there are a lot of immigrants from Central and South America. He has the same skin tone and hair color. I've never been asked where he is from, but I have been asked if my husband is Mexican.

My other son is blond and fair. DH insists that he gets funny looks from strangers when the two of them are out alone together, like they are trying to size up whether he kidnapped a child. I think he might just be paranoid, though.

[Novus]

We have the exact opposite situation from you, OP. DH is white American, I'm Indian and DS looks *just* like DH, right down to the blue eyes and dark blond hair. When he was younger, I was constantly mistaken for his nanny. My responses started getting pretty snarky at one point because I was so sick of being questioned about it every time we went somewhere.

Then, we spent lots of time outside over the summer and he tanned up some (enough to be called "olive" skinned, at least), plus he calls me "Mama" now, so I don't get the nanny question as much anymore. The funny thing is that now, I baby-sit a friend's child (who is also white, blue-eyed, and has dark blond hair) during the day and most people assume that he & DS are both my kids. I constantly get questions about how far apart they are and when I say "Two months," I get a lot of

[cyclamen]

People ask me this all the time, only it's, "Where are you from?/What's your nationality? I just had to ask you because your daughter has a very interesting skin color."



I usually just say something like, "We're American." If they continue, I may add in a tone of voice that suggests I think this is an inappropriate topic for new acquaintances that, "I am ethnically mixed, and so is her father." I refuse to get more personal than that, naming countries and explaining marriages. If the person asking wants to get out their own genealogy, then we can have a conversation, but not before.

Of course, you could always pull a Don Draper. "I'm from the Midwest. We were taught it's not polite to talk about yourself." Hah.

[Adventuredad]

Happens occasionally since I'm Swedish and wife is Mexican. Some ask if they are adopted even though their skin is not very dark. I never felt questions like these were rude, more about being curious and doing small talk.

People around us are likely confused about our origins at times since our kids, 6.5 and 4, are already tri-lingual and we use all three languages between us.

[RaeDyCo]

DH is Indian (but born in UK, moved to Canada as a child) and I am white Canadian.

DS1 looks like a mix -- light brown skin, brown hair, light brown eyes. People have asked if his father is Italian, Spanish, Mexican, South American, Indian...

DS2 def looks like my family -- light skin, light brown hair, very blue eyes.

When I am out with both boys, I have been asked if they have different fathers. Nice comment! I said to one lady "Are you asking if I cheated on my husband?". I think I'd rather be asked if they were adopted.

When all four of us are together, it is obvious that both boys look like DH, just with very different colouring.

[Julybug]

I am pale-American , and my husband is South Indian. He's on the less-dark side for South Indian (he's one of the palest in his family), shaves his head and has a mustache & goatee. He is frequently mistaken for African-American, Middle Eastern or Hispanic (usually Mexican or Puerto Rican), depending on context. Living in the NYC area, there are lots of people of all different backgrounds - most frequently people have assumed African-American around here. We were vacationing a few years ago in Puerto Rico, and people routinely assumed he was local (or Nyorican, ha ha) and spoke to him in Spanish. The funniest part about that is that I was a Spanish major in college although I'm rusty, so I understand more Spanish than my husband does.

Our son is visually a hybrid of the two of us. We've had several people who hadn't seen him in a while tell us that just in the last week (he's 15mo). He tans with the least amount of sun, but gets pale during the winter, so our skin tone tends to be more different during the summer. I have blonde hair and hazel eyes and pale skin, and my son has medium-brown hair and brown eyes with a hint of green. But I definitely noticed that during the summer, last summer and this one, strangers have asked me questions about him. People don't assume I'm the nanny (I had wondered before he was born if that would happen), but I've been asked, "He's so cute! Is his Daddy dark?" I've also been asked, "His skin tone is lovely! What is his background?" Which personally I think is the somewhat more polite way to ask.

I dated a guy briefly back in high school who was half Indian, half pale-European-American. He had light-medium brown hair and a cinnamon-toned complexion. Both he and his sister were gorgeous. I find it interesting that I ultimately wound up having a mixed Indian-European kid! I am excited to watch him grow up, in a lot of ways, not the least of which to see how his looks evolve over the years.

[Thao]

DH insists that he gets funny looks from strangers when the two of them are out alone together, like they are trying to size up whether he kidnapped a child. I think he might just be paranoid, though.

I have a friend who is Creole (a mix of French and African) and has one child with her first husband (black) and another with her second (white). Her older son looks solidly African-American, and her little daughter like Shirley Temple. They are also pretty far apart in age, 20-something and 5. One day when the son was babysitting and took his little sister to the mall, he was stopped and questioned by a mall guard for that very reason . And this was in the Seattle area, which is very liberal!

So your husband may not be paranoid...

I do get asked sometimes about where I got dd, but I don't get offended by it. Like cappucinosmom said, it's natural for people to be curious about something they don't see often. I actually joke about it with dd and with others in front of dd, so she just thinks its funny. But I'm a white woman with an Asian-looking child. All that happens with me is people think I adopted her from China. I think I might feel differently if I were a dark-skinned man with a light-skinned child.