I love my relatives, but... (venting)

[mrs.t]

I am so tired of the comments from older relatives about how it's "cruel" to not be giving DS solids yet, or the questions about why he couldn't have a little bit of water in the summer. I have explained that breastmilk is more hydrating than any liquid. I have also explained that I was waiting until DS was 6 months to introduce solids. I get that our parent's generation mostly did not breastfeed, but wouldn't it be better if people could presume that I have done my research and know what I'm doing? It's so frustrating to spend hours reading and learning about parenting, or teaching myself how to breastfeed, only to be questioned by someone who has not been a new parent for many years. I know people mean well, but I'm an educated person and of course I want the best for my son!

How do you all handle the rude comments without being rude right back? That is not my style, I try to educate people, but it seems like no one is listening.

[ElliesMomma]

i DON'T try to educate people, particularly not my relatives!
i keep my own counsel with regards to parenting; i trust myself and i think i present this confidently and no one really offers their opinions on my parenting, nor do i offer my opinions on their parenting.
that's how i handle it.

[Knitting Mama]

I'm so with you, I get tired of people asking when we're going to start solids (Cecilia is one day older than your baby) as well as a thousand other things-- cosleeping/bedsharing, babywearing, etc. Anymore, I just let it roll off my back. I had to stop reacting so strongly because it was making me nuts. So I just chalk up people's comments to them either a) trying to "help" or b) feeling like my doing things differently is a direct insult towards how they raised their children (this one I feel is especially true of my in-laws, as I am raising Cecilia much like my parents raised me).

[mrs.t]

Thanks...I do think that for the most part they are trying to "help" but I just wish they trusted me to know what I'm doing! I don't really care, and it doesn't change how I'm doing things, I just wish everyone would keep their opinions to themselves!

[cristeen]

"Thank you, pass the bean dip"
"That's an interesting thought, pass the bean dip"

I've stopped trying to educate. Most people are not interested.

Or you could always go with "Why on earth would you suggest something so strange?" But that might be a bit too confrontational.

[MamaPhD]

I didn't realize before having a kid, how deeply personal parenting decisions can be. Seriously, I would rather discuss my sex life with my distant cousin I haven't seen in 12 years than discuss breastfeeding. I'm not sure why that is! I find that kinda fascinating actually. If you're pretty close to your said relatives, I would say something like, "oh, yeah, I hear parenting is like fashion, every generation with a different style." or "Yeah, I did read that people used to do that back then." as a mild way of saying you guys are way outdated. Then just leave it at that. I usually keep it at just one sentence. If you're not close at all, really just breathe in, breathe out, and then let it go.

With my parents (I'm super close to them), it's actually kinda fun to ask about what doctors recommend her do to me when I was a baby, including something as specific as how my mom HAD TO feed me half an apple (pureed) every single day from like 2-3 mo. Fascinating! I love apples!

[Tattooed Hand]

Originally Posted by mrs.t

I am so tired of the comments from older relatives about how it's "cruel" to not be giving DS solids yet, or the questions about why he couldn't have a little bit of water in the summer. I have explained that breastmilk is more hydrating than any liquid. I have also explained that I was waiting until DS was 6 months to introduce solids. I get that our parent's generation mostly did not breastfeed, but wouldn't it be better if people could presume that I have done my research and know what I'm doing? It's so frustrating to spend hours reading and learning about parenting, or teaching myself how to breastfeed, only to be questioned by someone who has not been a new parent for many years. I know people mean well, but I'm an educated person and of course I want the best for my son!

How do you all handle the rude comments without being rude right back? That is not my style, I try to educate people, but it seems like no one is listening.

LOL, not at you but because this was my situation. DD is still mostly BF at almost 10 months due to multiple food intolerances. But the comments have stopped. I'll be honest, I had to get rude, especially with my mother. She just would not relent and even tried to give DD food behind my back. So I told her to back off and this was my child and she had no right to go over my head and she'd better back off and stop harping on things she didn't know squat about. Things were not great between us for a couple of months, but sometimes you need to redraw some boundaries. Things are fine now and she respects my parenting choices, at least to my face, which is all I care about...

[Adaline'sMama]

nak

I got these comments all the time (up until about 3 weeks ago, when we started solids). I told relatives that I didnt want her to have solids because I wasnt ready to change gross diapers. That shut them right up. Of course, they assumed I had a different reason, but no one wanted to argue that. A conversation would go like this:
"I just dont see why you wont let her have any baby food, you know they make it organic now"
"Oooh, no way. That will make her poop all gross"
End of discussion.

[Super~Single~Mama]

Originally Posted by Adaline'sMama

nak

I got these comments all the time (up until about 3 weeks ago, when we started solids). I told relatives that I didnt want her to have solids because I wasnt ready to change gross diapers. That shut them right up. Of course, they assumed I had a different reason, but no one wanted to argue that. A conversation would go like this:
"I just dont see why you wont let her have any baby food, you know they make it organic now"
"Oooh, no way. That will make her poop all gross"
End of discussion.

LOL! Genius!

[dakotablue]

I like to blame the ped. Granted we didn't do well visits with a ped from 2 months until 10 months

I just said things like My ped says for allergies or my ped says for his growth...yadayada. Then if they say its crazy just shrug and say I trust him/her.

blaming the ped has stepped us out of a LOT of fights, including the current one about extended nursing. DS has allergies extended nursing may cure them and I don't want him to have them later if we can help. My ped believes in the WORLD WIDE HEALTH standards of breastfeeding until 2.

No argument he's the doctor (but most times its me being the doc and blaming him)

[mrs.t]

Thanks everyone!

Dakotablue's post brings up a good question...I often wonder how many of us are "closeted" extended nursers, cosleepers, etc. A friend of mine admitted that her 2 yo daughter was still sleeping in the family bed, only after I admitted that DS sleeps much better in our bed. My best friend also admitted to cosleeping with her youngest, she has 4 children and was very "traditional" with the first 3. It's not out of shame, I am totally fine with my parenting style because I'm only doing what works for us, but I try to avoid the debates with girls my own age. I know plenty of my co-workers use CIO, stopped nursing before a year, vax on schedule, etc.

I have sort of a "don't ask, don't tell" policy about my parenting style...the relatives are a different story because they are in my home and see first hand what I'm doing.

My next battle is having some family over and explaining to them why we don't have the nursery set up for DS yet...

[whozeyermamma]

Hey; my MIL said it was 'not fair" that I refused to give CAKE to my THREE month old DD (she's now 7.)



I just emailed her regarding this little DS (3mo) "I know you're worried about how he's growing, but here's some info on why cereal doesn't help babies sleep longer - and here's one on the benefits of exclusively breastfeeding for six months."

I'm hoping she doens't bring it up again but I doubt that will do it. Of course, it's absurd that she's worried about him given that he's 15 pounds now but ...

That said, I agree with PP - you'll never change these people - I fielded the same questions about BFing, cosleeping, no cio, etc, etc with DD and I'm doing it all again.

[Catubodua]

this has worked for me:

"You parented the way you wanted to, now I am parenting the way I want to."

then, stop talking. no arguing, justifying, explaining, nothing.

it takes one or two times before it'll sink in, but most folks catch on and stop bothering you.

if they are persistent say it over and over and over. if they are even more persistent, ignore them.

[Quinalla]

I try to educate someone once, if they obviously are not open to it, then I stop trying and just ignore them and deflect if necessary. A noncommital "Hmm." "Oh." or going into broken record mode "We are waiting until 6 months to try solids." over and over. If someone is really irritating me, I would probably do the "I've done my research and this is my decision so please stop pestering me. I'll let you know when she can have food/water/etc."

[Tattooed Hand]

Originally Posted by Adaline'sMama

nak

I got these comments all the time (up until about 3 weeks ago, when we started solids). I told relatives that I didnt want her to have solids because I wasnt ready to change gross diapers. That shut them right up. Of course, they assumed I had a different reason, but no one wanted to argue that. A conversation would go like this:
"I just dont see why you wont let her have any baby food, you know they make it organic now"
"Oooh, no way. That will make her poop all gross"
End of discussion.

That is hilarious. After our first post-solids diaper my husband asked if I could EBF DD until she was potty trained.

[carmel23]

Originally Posted by cristeen

"Thank you, pass the bean dip"
"That's an interesting thought, pass the bean dip"

I've stopped trying to educate. Most people are not interested.

Or you could always go with "Why on earth would you suggest something so strange?" But that might be a bit too confrontational.

: please pass the bean dip.

[mrs.t]

I like this thread, keep 'em coming!

My strategy has been to ignore any and all comments, but it just makes me so angry!

[Knitting Mama]

It makes me angry too, so I vent here and am the picture of kindness to their faces.

[jillmamma]

I use the 'doctor say so' excuse too, and point out that people have studied infant nutrition a lot since I was little, and therefore some recommendations have changed since they now know more. I also remind them that they did the best they could based on what they knew, so now I'm trying to do the same thing. Something to look forward too...now that I'm on my third kid, I get WAY less comments.
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[JudiAU]

If I am feeling playful I will going on at great detail explain The Evolution of the Human Colon and the precise development goals a diet of bm only will support...until the conversation withers. It isn't always nice, but sometimes I am in the mood to make the conversation wither. Or sometimes I just use my sister's line, "solids are too much work. It is fun at first but then you have to feed them every day."

If I am not feeling playful, Pass the Bean Dip works pretty well too. In fact, I should do it more. I have a bad habit of responding to "helpful" comments about CIO with bland comment like, "Oh like in an orphanage? Isn't that what they did in Romania. (i.e. how you should teach a baby not to cry by not responding to them)